Lonewolfbear - Archived Blog Posts

[lonewolfbear]

I suppose I should have started my blog off with some kind of introduction about what I'd be writing about, but since I can't think of anything good, I'll just start off with this ditty that's been in my head since yesterday.

(Sing the following to the tune of Barbra Streisand's song "People"

"People,
People who watch Fox News,
Are the stupidest people,
In the world."

(It's been demonstrated in a poll.)

Fox News: we distort, you get manipulated.

 

[lonewolfbear]

Yes, I am silly ... sometimes. Get used to it. But sometimes I'm serious too. I wrote the entry below in Jan 05.

--
The Book of Revelation pictures a woman riding a beast with many heads and horns (I think the number of each is not important). What else could this represent than that loose association of great nations headed by the US? What else fits? Europe doesn't fit, because there is no one nation or individual who heads the group, whereas the US is clearly the head of the great nations of the world. Actually it is widely believed (even by some bible prophecy fundys) that America is Great Babylon.

Revelation pictures the heads and horns of the beast rejecting Great Babylon as its leader. Before the Bush regime I couldn't fathom how this could possibly happen, because America and Europe were so tight. But I've been amazed as right before my eyes Bush proceeded to alienate the entire world and especially Europe. This falls right into line with Revelation.

What we're going to see in the near future is this development proceeding to the breakup of the alliance between America and Europe. We're still in the very early stages of this, but when Bush attacks Iran the split will get much much bigger. The entire world will HOWL with RAGE when Bush attacks Iran. You can repeat Bush's crocodile justifications until you're blue in the face, but that will not convince a single non-Bushite that America has the right to be the unilateral judge, jury and executioner of it's unilaterally perceived rogue nations.

How stupid is it that a nation pretending to be all about democracy and freedom responds to it's perceived complaints with military force. HELLO!?! Democracy is all about solving disputes without force, without some self-appointed king forcing his subjective opininions down everyone else's throats.

Anyways, Bush is bringing the prophecy of Revelation to fulfillment. But it will get worse. God rails against America, Great Babylon. God is going to punish America, the country the merchants of the world fornicate with.

And it's not because there's too much homosexuality. It's because America beats it's breast, calls itself the greatest in the world, calls itself the champion of freedom, and then proceeds to act aggressively to take away others' freedom. Calls itself the champion of democracy, and then scorns the United Nations, the world's only world-wide democratic body and acts unilaterally.

HINT: democracy means not acting unilaterally. Debate it, vote on it, and respect the decision.

HINT: freedom means turning the other cheek when you happen upon homosexuality or something else you disapprove of. Freedom means "live and let live."

HINT: The only thing Jesus committed violence against was the money changers, not homosexuals or prostitutes.

Link: http://www.world-destiny.org/babel.htm
--

Om shalom,
Allen 8)

 

[lonewolfbear]

In Hebrew "Yom Kippur." That's today. I am Jewish, but no longer practice Judiasm. My spiritual beliefs have expanded to include concepts that Judiasm, and indeed any one religion, are too limited to include. I reject organized religion and at the same time say "they're all good!" As such there are several things in Judiasm that are at the center of my spiritual beliefs.

And on this Day of Atonement I would like to take this opportunity to ask forgiveness of all those I may have wronged or slighted this past year, and I pray to God for forgiveness as well. I pledge to make the maximum effort to learn from my mistakes, as a sign of my committment and faith.

Om shalom!
Allen 8)

 

[lonewolfbear]

OK, time for another un-serious one. Gotta keep balanced ya know...

(This is kinda like "God Bless America" meets Monty Python


God bless Vespucci-land
Land that I love
Stand beside her
And guide her
Through the night with soft light and a hunk

From the strip mines
To the strip malls
To the strippers, white with foam,
God bless Vespucci-land, my home sweet home.

 

[lonewolfbear]

OK folks, time to get serious again, real serious! I can just hear that wild applause from the audience...

--

This happened many years ago. I went down to LA for the weekend to see an old friend and almost lover. He had planned to go out to dinner with friends, including a committed couple who were always referred to as something like "Sal and Dave" [<-- not real names]. Dave turned out to be this gorgeous muscular guy who totally turned me on (to the point where I got, you know, discombobulated). When we went to the restaurant I ended up sitting right next to Dave. We started chatting and it turned out we had many interests in common, in particular spiritual/psychic stuff. We chatted up a storm, me all the while sh*tting in my pants thinking "OMG, I'm having a real great connection with this gorgeous guy but he's already in a couple." At one point I said something like "when were they going to give us our water?", and Dave turns to me with this amazed expression on his face. Turns out he was just about to say the very words I had said. It was like I had literally taken the words off of his tongue. Then later on while we were eating the same thing happened in reverse -- Dave said something that was on the tip of *my* tongue. Talk about being in synch! I was amazed. What a connection!

After dinner we decided to go back to my friends place and watch the movie "Hairspray," which at that time was unknown but Dave had seen and raved about. My friend had this big L-shaped couch. I was still sh*tting in my pants, wondering what to do or not to do. I decided to just try and keep the connection going without any other expectations. I was hoping to be able to sit next to him, so I sat right by the L-turn in the sofa. Dave sat down right next to me on the other leg of the L, and Sal was on his other side. During the movie, with the lights down, I couldn't avoid doing a little footsie with him, to which he responded positively. I then quietly reached my hand towards him, and he reciprocated. That movie was good, but this was even better. To keep up the connection, I decided to offer to do Dave's astrology chart, which he accepted. I went into the bedroom to get a slip of paper to write down his stats on, and he followed me in! Whoa! I was in uncharted territory now! We had a real great passionate kiss there in the bedroom before I got the paper and his stats. He told me his existing relationship was unexciting but it was safe.

I went back to the Bay Area all atwitter wondering why this had happened (in the spiritual/psychic sense) and what I should do. I decided there was no harm in simply trying to keep in touch, but he stopped answering my emails. At one point I decided to call him to get his address to send the chart to. Turns out I phoned him at the only moment I could have reached him -- he was home sick from work. I sent him the chart and that was the last I heard of him. I kept on thinking "why did God tease me like this? Why did God dangle this totally gorgous thing in front of me, not only dangling it by my nose but "allowing" an electric connection to happen, a connection that was impossible and doomed from the first." When I asked a psychic about this she said that this was to show me that such a connection was possible for me. I guess if I had been smart I would have studiously avoided coming on to him in the first place (stifling the enormous attraction I felt), but then I never would have had my very first experience of 2 people coming on to each other naturally, in a very unforced almost accidental way, and sincerely.
--

Om shalom!

 

[lonewolfbear]

Bill, now passed away, was one of those unique individuals one finds now and then. Extremely smart (multiple degrees), well rounded (played music, very into gardening, workout fiend) and somewhat iconoclastic, a Puerto Rican living among Cubans (and he told me a couple jokes about that relationship), a really muscular littler guy. He was a hard gainer and so was eating humongous quantites of food all the time. It was funny when we went out: him this littler guy buying up the restaurant, me this big bear watching my calories. His garden was a riot of huge exotic plants that looked a like an overgrown jungle. The first time I saw his house I immediately got the feeling that this was considered the weird house, and Bill the weird guy, on the block. Inside his house he had this humongous fish tank, with wires going everywhere. There were lots of ants, which Bill was content to leave be. He knew what they wanted (sugar) and I guess that gave him enough ability to control the situation to not be bothered. He worked for the government as a customs agent food shipment inspector, a job in which he apparently crossed paths with many quite unsavorable and downright dangerous people.

He responded to a personals ad I had somewhere. I saw his extremely woofy muscular pics, my eyes popped out, and I immediately responded positively. We started one of those torrid email relationships. The problem was that I was in California and he in Florida. In addition, he always got plane sick (I swear I'm not making this up!). So we contented ourselves with the email relationship, which was very satisfying, because he was a very intelligent and very interesting person. We had a good friendship going. It seemed like a promising relationship if we could solve the distance problem. Bill kept on saying "give it time," which made me think he was pretty committed. Our relationship was less like a rocket ship madly taking off with torrents of fire and more like a jet plane which had gotten underway but was still slowly taxiing down the runway.

Finally, after about a year I was able to take vacation and see him in Florida for a couple days. Frankly, it wasn't a very exciting time. I found out later that he was already feeling sick when I got there, but while I was there he just kept on saying that there was alot on his mind (family issues and so forth), he apologized for not feeling more amorous and he repeated his "give it time" advice.

When I got back to California we continued corresponding, and I soon found out he was sick, some kind of Cancer (not AIDS). He was stoic about it but told me it was everywhere. He went amazingly quick. Geez, our promising relationship never had the chance to get off the ground and Poof! he's gone. This was another time I was thinking that God pulled the rug out from under me when it was looking good. It was like, here today, gone tomorrow.

 

[lonewolfbear]

3 of 3 will have to wait a while, because it's still in progress! And the outcome is uncertain. It's kinda like a hurricane -- currently you can say that it's headed in a certain general direction, thus the "ones that got away," but you can't be sure it won't take a turn to a different direction. So I'm not sure when I'll tell that story.

 

[lonewolfbear]

FYI, the jury is still out on the 3rd one who may or may not have got away. However, here's another serious thought I thought I'd share.

A long time ago I was a graduate student at MIT (flunking out, but that's another story). I was a teaching assistant, and one of my office mates was a great guy from Peru (I think) named Jorge Pesciera-Cassinelli (love that name, which is partially why I always remember it).

One day I was sitting out in the courtyard outside our offices thinking. At the time I was going thru the normal love issues a gay graduate student who had recently had his first experience goes thru. I'm not sure how Jorge glommed onto this, he wasn't gay and I never confided any of this to him. But he came out, walking somewhere, and as he passed by me he said to me: "Allen, you have to take love from where-ever it comes from."

He may have said more than that, but that sentence has always stuck with me and I'll never forget it. Great advice, and so appropos to the subject of "boys" relating to "daddy's", don't you think?

 

[lonewolfbear]

TOTGA 3 - Poem #1


Whirlwind
started by a half-innocent remark
never expecting a reply
matched here, matched there
fire heats up...
a complication
a multiple relationship
he says he's unsatisfied
he says I'm just what he wishes he had
fire heats up.
He says he needs to be careful
the relationship has binds
we say all the right respectable things
(caution, responsibility, integrity, maturity, feelings)
yet we cannot help coming on to each other
stronger and stronger
fire heats up
unbearable and yet the sweetest of things
so close and yet so far
unattainable and yet seemingly inevitable
full of mystery –
is it death or is it life?

Spirits whispering in my ear
intuitions like warm applesauce with cinnamon and nutmeg
or a hug from your mother
oracle readings like I've never experienced before
stark, direct, unmistakably understandable
spirits whispering in my ear
how insistent they are
they seem to have inhabited my oracles like never before –
real, there, speaking to me
a consistent story told over and over
"Priests and magicians will be used in great number. No blame."
And so it was, in more than one way
Never a message so clear, insistent, consistently repeated
Spirits whispering in my ear repeatedly
Even the astrology partner reading: extraordinary,
leaping out at me like no other chart I've seen –
powerful, loving, sexual, intensely communicative, huge number of positives with a few negatives to add that necessary tension – very powerful.
Spirits whispering in my ear from many directions
Even my cousin, just getting into counseling and spirituality
with her own weird relationship happening with a married guy,
but they know they're soulmates.
She asked me for an oracle reading.
I tell her about my own weird relationship
and after I fly home, a few days later,
she calls me out of the blue coast-to-coast to say
she's gotten a strong feeling that it would work out
and she had to tell me.
An extraordinary thing for her to do (like, wow! we rarely talk)
Spirits whispering in my ear from many directions
Spirits from without, talking to me

And spirits from within are talking to me
They are saying that nobody else looks as good
nobody else has that sense of reality
They all seem fake,
a dance more than a relationship
I'm so bored
sex isn't enough
love requires like
I require a deeper thing
Nobody else touches that deep place in me as much
Having tasted that level of communication
that sweet nectar of depth
how could I accept nutrasweet?

And so I walk in confusion
It seems over
and yet the spirits still whisper in my ear,
as if intent to instruct me well
They seem so concerned about me,
so attentive
so unlike their usual inscrutability
It is madness to believe it isn't over
It is irrational
It is foolish to hold on
And yet the spirits within keep feeding me
intuitions from within like applesauce
with cinnamon and nutmeg, and warmed up
And the spirits from without keep whispering to me
They are not surprised at all at what's happened,
while I'm here going thru a depression,
strangely short considering the depth of my heart's hurt.
How can that be?
What strange thing is lifting me up
And defying the madness?
And making poetry well up in my heart?
I must walk both not believing and holding on to my faith
I am protected by my commitment to not being oppressed by desire
and by my learned spiritual detachment
Yet I will always remember that wonderful soul and magical spirit,
however brief and unformed it was,
and the depth of soul communication that is possible.
is this death or is this life?

The mystery continues.

 

[lonewolfbear]

Mist, wet but not rain
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
Kinda day it is
-------------------------------
2/13/06: I re-read this yesterday after not having looked at it for some time, and decided it doesn't really say all I want it to -- I had to leave out too much in reducing it to a haiku. So I'm abandoning the Haiku form -- this is more what I wanted to say:

Misty day, everything wet but it never really rains
It's like it can't decide what state it wants to be in
So we get the worst of both worlds:
the ground's all wet and the day is miserable,
yet we aren't even at least getting our reservoirs replenished
It's a "Boulevard of Broken Dreams kinda day."
--

 

[lonewolfbear]

Thursday I talked to him and he sounded fine, even in good spirits. My cousin saw him Friday and told us he looked a little puffy. The people at the bank he always goes to and a maintenance person at his apartment complex also saw him Friday. But the neighbor across the hall reported he didn't pick up his paper Saturday morning like he religiously does. It just sat there. Same for the Sunday paper. Another neighbor said she was getting close to calling about it. My sister had tried to call my father Sunday morning, but he didn't answer. She tried again later in the day and he again didn't answer, which was odd because he rarely went anyplace on Sundays. She called my other sister, who after a while decided to call the police to check it out.

It took the police a while to get into the locked apartment building. We were worried, but my father could have gone out and had an accident or something. Then we got a call that his car was there, so it didn't look good. When they did they found my father's apartment door open, like it usually was when my father was home. He was sitting on the couch, slumped over, dead at 86. The medical examiner's report said it was from a heart attack, hypertension and a chest mass. We got the call very late Sunday night. Just like that he was gone, and the maelstrom of death was upon us like a tsunami. All kinds of business to take care of at a time when I wasn't wanting to focus on business.

All of us siblings live on the west coast and my father lived in R.I. So we had to arrange flights and lodging as well as planning the funeral and talking with the lawyer about my fathers affairs. We ended up staying in R.I. for a week and 2 days, and just barely got everything done. All 3 of us were busy well into the evening. The only relaxation came when we visited my (very sick) uncle in Albany, NY on the weekend.

Thank God I had 2 siblings to help with this. And thank God my father had gone against his normal tendencies and had seen a lawyer about getting his affairs in order, and had told us where he kept his records. Even with that it was complicated, because my father had been the prime guardian of my mother, who's in a nursing home with progressive dementia. What a lot of work! And how insidious to have to do all that at a time when you want to be thinking about your father, your relationship with him, etc. But I guess it's been like that for children from time immemorial. What a funny animal is death.

My father was never a friend to me, or hardly anyone -- he wasn't what you'd call a people person, as my sister said. In fact, he was the difficult to live with type, often a real pain in the neck. I'm sure he totally disapproved of my being gay, which he knew about, though never mentioned (he always treated me civilly). So it wasn't like I was losing a major friend. Also, my father was good and ready to go. His only purpose in life since my mother came down with dementia had been to take care of her. But now she was in the nursing home being taken care of, and she didn't even recognize him when he visited. And he hated to see all those sick people on the Alzheimer's ward. And he was having a hard time dealing with his deteriorating health. He had always been one of those always totally healthy types, so wan't used to being sick and dealing with medical business. So in a way it was a blessing that he went and went quickly with a minimum of pain and not lingering on at all. He went pretty much just like he wanted to go.

And yet, in spite of all that, seeing him go, knowing that he's gone, has left a huge void in myself that really surprised me. It went totally beyond anything rational or anthing about our relationship. My Director at work had a good line (he's gone through it) -- he said he knew it was a pretty organic process. Amen. It's like it's wired into the blood and has nothing to do with the brain. It's weird. We no longer have what serves as a family home. That was the weird thing about cleaning up his apartment. Even thought it was only an apartment, it still served as home base. Now gone. But as least I know he's in a better place. He struggled with the personality he chose. I find myself able to talk to him more freely than I ever could when he was alive. I actually like that part. I respected him as my father, even though he was a pain in the neck. But now I'm kinda liking him as a soul.

 

[lonewolfbear]

(It's been a long time but I feel the need to write.)

You have been on my mind lately in a deep way. A real puzzlement, a real spiritual challenge. Emotion running strong like a river after a winter's rain. Seeming (<-- unless I'm being played) great mutual attachment along side a grand canyon of separation. The irresitable force against the immoveable wall. Something I can't control, and don't even understand. Spiritual detachment fighting the heart's longing, a longing which won't go away, and which is like a terrible but beautiful child. The spiritual detachment is like the voice of wisdom which I cannot fully hear, though I strain. In another way it's like a puzzle. There is SOME way spiritual detachment fits together with honoring the heart's longing and allowing it to dance in sunlight (instead of banishing it to emotional Siberia). But I can't figure out how they fit together. Spiritual Detachment appears like a stern master which will brook no compromise, and The Heart's Longing a terrible child which won't stop crying. They fight.

I almost took the anger route, almost sent you an email with anger in it, but held off, partly due to the urging of my cousin, who's been great. She said I needed to be empowered first, and recommended I read "Mama Gena's Owners and Operator's Guide to Men" (by Regina Thomashauer) which, even though directed solely at women, has some good lessons for anyone. I thought "yeah, yeah... I already know what I have to do -- I have to conquer desire, which is the cause of all sorrow (a fundamental spiritual truth from the East). In the words of the I Ching, I have to stop letting myself get oppressed by desire. This I can control. I create my own reality (I can still hear my teacher at Heartsong School saying that). When I get down I am letting myself get oppressed. I must learn how to stop that -- Spiritual Detachment must be victorious!" But I agreed to read that book because I felt it would help me learn how to respond in a better way.

Though I have some problems with Mama Gena's style, there were some good lessons in there (and I'm only about 60% through the book), e.g. the necessity of surrendering to your desires (which to me is the same thing as following your bliss), always remembering that you don't NEED that man, avoiding anger totally (cuz it's counter-productive), the great importance of communication. My spiritual consciousness thought: "Surrender to your desires? How can that square with overcoming desire, the cause of all sorrow?"

I haven't been able to get through the book very fast (I need periodic breaks from Mama Gena). The last several days I haven't read any of it. Instead those lessons have been percolating in my head. When I was first getting into the book I thought it was a good kick in the pants for me. Especially that part about not NEEDING that man. Just like the message of the I Ching and my inner spiritual intuition. For me that was an affirmation of spiritual detachment, which is something I've been working on. That is it's job -- to remind me that I don't NEED that man. Somehow, just hearing that from Mama Gena comforted something in my heart and strengthened my detachment. The child stopped crying and let my spiritual self take it's hand. Spiritual Detachment seemed less like a stern master and more like an older brother or a trusted advisor. But the puzzle of your orbit and mine in different solar systems yet mutually attracted, the irresistable force against the immoveable wall, remained. It was still a struggle.

Then the December holiday season came, something I always struggle with. The increased stress made me lonely. We happened to have one of our sporadic message exchanges and you told me you were depressed too. I really needed you, I really wanted to talk to you more. I finally reached the point where I couldn't stand it anymore, so I sent you several messages without waiting for you to reply, a little bit defiantly (usually I wait for a reply) but still avoiding the path of anger.

And then yesterday it all came together in my mind. First it felt so good to have gotten those thoughts off my chest, even if was only to send you messages without getting a reply. And then I realized that my bliss was to express these things. I got a poetic feeling, that felt really good and liberating. I can't control what you do, or what situation you may be in -- detachment is the only option other than despair -- but as Mama Gena says, I don't NEED that man. But what I do need is to communicate my thoughts. That's my bliss, that's what I can control. I can liberate the poet in my heart, who will go on flights of fancy, soaring way up high and plunging way down low in the dance of beautiful romance. It's the romance that is really my bliss, and I can still have it. This realization is what prompted me to write this entry, and to plan on writing a couple more. I got so excited at my first sitting to write. I was both having my spiritual detachment -- in doing what I was doing without regard to whether you reply or now, sort of letting you do what you will -- and surrendering to my desires, following my bliss -- in letting the romantic poet in my heart out to lament and celebrate, to get those things off my chest. And when I did this, my heart felt glad. No more crying. And my spiritual self, the master of detachment, smiled at me more like a supportive parent than a stern master. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, LOL, but I think I've made real progress.

 

[lonewolfbear]

My soul says be quiet.
Regardless, my personality looks for a form of expression.
Hazy clouds of unformed poetry drift around,
Half baked books like chaotic construction – part of the frame done, a bit of the detailing done even before there's anywhere to put it.
The ideas circulate like a rich primordial soup,
like clouds forever forming and never raining.
They never naturally come together,
As if they've been sprayed with some kind of oil
That keeps them from sticking to each other.

My soul says stay quiet,
to let the rich primordial soup simmer,
to let the clouds drift around, ever building themselves, albeit slowly, almost imperceptably and incomprehensively.
My soul says your time will come, the accident will happen that sets everything in motion.
But for now let your consciousness continue growing.
We and ultimately you want you to stay quiet.
It is why you chose that particular body. http://www.justusboys.com/forum/images/smilie/icon_biggrin.gif