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Long Distance Relationship

A

asian87

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So I'm posting this because I need some support. Here is the story (sorry for my limited English).

About a year ago, I met a man online, he is much older than me, and that time we are both interested in friendship (possibly more). We were very similar in many things that we began to exchange emails almost every day talking about anything and our friendship grew very quickly. I was totally confused because it grew so fast. I realised that it would be unrealistic going any further and so I told him that because of the distance between us, we should limit our relationship to friendship. Like a real gentleman he agreed.

At that time, he was planning to go on vacation and said he could come visit me. After a discussion we came to the conclusion that we were potentially setting ourselves up. He took his holiday in another country. After a couple of months, we were still keeping in touch by email and chat daily (our feelings were still growing) till the day he wrote in an email that his feelings for me is growing in spite of him trying to hold it back. I had to bring him back to earth saying that it is unrealistic because we can not fall in love online and so long as we can not be together. He was touched by this. Twice he did the same with me, bringing my feet back to earth when I could not hold it back anymore.

So one day, I found a job opportunity for him, which he applied for immediately (because he is ready to move for a potential lover). It's now almost 6 months and still no words from them. We have both given up about the job now. I keep looking for a job for him because I want to live with him (although I may have the opportunity to move for him after my studies). On the other hand, I worry if he were to relocate for me because he is 51 years old and having some health problems, I afraid he moves for me and then someday we find that we are not made to be together.

I recognise in his words that he concerns himself in my happiness and success. I'm not fond of him because I need love, but for what he is. Once he even said that if I meet another man, he will be happy for me. In turn if one day he tells me he met another man, I think I will release him (despite that I may not take it afterwards). He is such an amazing man, I want him to be happy too.

As you can see we are quite a good match.

So I am soon going visit him soon but I will endeavor to prevent feelings from taking control over me when I see him in person.

I'm confused :confused: because I don't know what awaits us in the future. We are so compatible but distance is getting in our way.
 
Thanks you for the reply. Well this is very complicated because we both know there is a difference between love and in love with. I just don't know what I feel for him but it's certain that true love can only develop when the two persons are really together.

I just have to be patient enough and hopefully things will start working out. Easier said than done though.

Has anybody here had a similar experience? And any other advice that may help me deal with this?
 
Oh boy I and him live 11 hours away by flight which is not in our favor and I often get depressed because of that. We had been making a couple of tentative plan to meet since last year, obviously they failed because we have to save a lot of money. Fortunately this time I'm going to see him but I hope he may come visit me not too long after. I'm crossing everything for us.
 
I think you should meet him first before you even consider living together or either of you relocating.
 
In addition to the problem of distance, which is potentially surmountable, there are other difficulties that work against you.

There is the age difference. The two of you are at different stages in your lives. You're just starting to think of career while he should be thinking about his pension plan.

I don't know where he's from, but with a 11 hour flight there are probably significant cultural differences. Could he be happy living and working in your country or you in his? Vacation is one thing, but living in a country as a foreigner is another.

Will he be able to get health insurance coverage? You say he already has health problems. His coverage from home won't last beyond 3 months or so out of the country. Are those problems bound to worsen?

One or both of you is communicating in a foreign language, I presume English. Your English is quite good, but what about his?

What about legal problems if you are living together. A quick Google on Mauritius suggests that homosexuality is illegal there. Could that become a problem. Could your family make difficulties for him if they disapproved?

You will likely have created an imaginary image of him as a person (and vice versa) since the two of you have never met. Will reality be able to live up to that?

Sorry that I'm sounding so negative ...
 
I know age difference is noticeable, personally it does not really matter to me, other than I will certainly live longer. I know how hard it would be when we can not be together anymore, but at least I know I lived with a good man who could love me back. I don't know if all my family would accept my sexuality although they won't do him anything wrong, but this concerns me, my wellbeing and my life and I can't accept that people decide what I have to do.

He is English speaking, also for culture is not going to pose much problems because there is not much of difference, yet for him he may need some time if he were to move here. (once he was willing to relocate for a guy living in Thailand although culture difference was significant). We talked about it many times and it seems that he is ready about these, as well as leaving his relatives and selling his assets if there is need to. As far as homosexuality goes, it is legal in Mauritius since 2006.

I'm totally realistic about this situation. He is too. In fact we are so realistic that we don't even talk about this subject now. I'm not sure if I'd let him move here for real, because there are so many things he shall set aside (family, assets...) and there is still no certainty this relationship will work out. I don't want to set him up.

It's just that we are reserving any opportunity.

I hope we get to know each other, and talk about when I meet him in March.

oh dear it's so complicated...
 
Finally we met and spent four wonderful weeks together. The goodbye, however, was very painful. Things seems to be working well between us in person, very well in fact.

I just don't know when the next time will happen again. I hope not too long.
 
wow, coudn't have called that one coming. congrats and hopefully things will work out.
 
Also, doors are opening for both of us. The company he applied for a job responded saying they will be in if he's suitable for a job. Plus I may stand a chance studying in in his country.

Crossing everything.
 
Long distance relationships can work, at least for a while. Ideally, one of you will relocate to live with the other one. If you have the opportunity to go live in Australia you should do so. I doubt that his relocating to Mauritius to live with his gay lover is a good move on his part (from a practical stand point).

I've know a couple who maintained a long distance romance between Malaysia and the USA for over two years, and now the Malaysian is working in the USA on an H1B Visa but they are still living in different cities, but at least they are close enough that they can see each other on the weekend. They would love nothing more than to live together, but because of circumstances beyond their control they must continue to live is separate cities.

My heart goes out to every couple who is forced to maintain separate lives because of unfair, outdated immigration laws. Good luck in the future, you will need it.
 
lurchinurchun,

Thanks for the above input and it is much appreciated.

First, if I'm not looking for guys closer to me is because it doesn't seem to work out although I've been active on some gay sites. They were mostly young guys looking to play, or otherwise they didn't seem mature. I'm also a chaser (I like chubby men) and men older than me. That's because they're mature and make me feel like secure. That will be it unless I can find a young guy with such qualities.

Well mentioning his age and health wasn't meant showing it was a problem. I was simply saying that I know a lifetime relationship with an older man will certainly end earlier.

As for relocation, we are simply taking any opportunities as doors open. Then if we get the opportunity to move, we have to ponder and make secure decisions. It's not a perk.

I know I may sound hard like a shell. I'm putting so much effort in it because I think it worths it. I'm prepared. If it doesn't work for us, I know I've done my share.
 
I'm not sure where I mentioned it, perhaps in my blog or in other posts, that physical appearance is not important into building a relationship. I guess you know that you'd likely approach a guy you find attractive (just as a first contact).

Last November, he had a small inconsequential attack and was advised to break from work for 2 weeks. Since then I'm encouraging him to be healthier. He had been trying unsuccessfully until I became the incentive.
 
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