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long: my adult brother is a piece of shit

E

evanrick

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my brother and i have been in an apartment for a couple years, we have usually had no problems with sharing responsibility but lately hes been dodgy and acting very idiotic for incredibly selfish reasons:

he says hes going back on his cleaning task in exchange for lower rent, he takes out trash in exchange for $60 a month, he hasn't done this in two months and is supposed to every week along with other things. now hes demanding help or he wont do it anymore.

as a punishment i turned off his internet

i let him have my computer for $200, for which he "lumped into" something else he owed me for. he doesn't know how to maintain computers at any level, thats why his last one died and why he has to use mine.

he says im "not taking care of the place" when its I who have had the refrigerator fixed by maintenance after his "months of uselessness" on the issue.

he says im not "Taking care of myself" either which is absurd, since i just had major surgery and have been off work for the past 2 weeks recovering, which apparently doesnt enter into his mind or matter for when it comes to my responsibilities. he has blood sugar hes let get out of control to where he had to be hospitalized!

so far this month hes been accusatory, and finally is using this as an "excuse to leave" of course of which i am to blame, which is fine by me, but i don't think he has the capaticy to comprehend how absurd his positions are.

hes shorted me on rent, 2-3 times
hes not doing his tasks that he agreed to
he says im not keeping up the lease by cleaning enough
he doesnt understand why i can get things done and i cant, never gives me ANY credit for ANYTHING
says i wait till the last minute, when its he who doesnt file his taxes and he who doesnt turn in extremely important paperwork, i have to do it for him, physically force him to sign things

im done "explaining" things to him and how the "real world works" because hes living in one of his own. he acts like a child so will be treated like one. of course i cant give him 100 examples on how hes wrong. he does this for attention and does this as an excuse for his own behavior, am i am not playing along.

the only thing i am going to do is call our dad, because theres im done being the adult and im tired of being treated like "something to be used". all of this fits his old behavior patterns.

just waiting to leave now, since he refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior.
 
You need to bring up the list of arrangements that were agreed upon when you both moved in.

Tell him he has x- amount of time to correct and or get caught up with what he owes, and follow through with any ultimatum you see fit to make him know ,,,,,,your serious about it....or someone is going to have to move out...
 
In this situation, i don't see two of you can live together.
It will get worse and worse until physical violence take place.
Try to be civil and go your separate ways.
 
I love all my brothers - from across the state.

How much sibling baggage is there between you two?
 
You're entitled to your opinions, of course, but once someone is labeled "a piece of shit" things are pretty much over. It seems as though some care taking has been going on in terms of expenses and I wondering if there's more to the story in terms of behavior or lifestyle choices.

You don't need added stress while recovering from surgery.
 
Seasoned said:
You're entitled to your opinions, of course, but once someone is labeled "a piece of shit" things are pretty much over. It seems as though some care taking has been going on in terms of expenses and I wondering if there's more to the story in terms of behavior or lifestyle choices.

You don't need added stress while recovering from surgery.
Click to expand...

oh i didn't notice this because i was concentrate on the post.
Yes its over, suppose to thro "shit" away.
 
Telstra said:
In this situation, i don't see two of you can live together.
It will get worse and worse until physical violence take place.
Try to be civil and go your separate ways.
Click to expand...

Telstra is right, leave as soon as possible. No point in hanging around. Your brother made his bed, let him lie in it.

As for the civil part - I do not think I could be civil under these circumstances. I would expect that the two of you will not be in speaking terms for the next 10 years or so. Based on what you have written, I doubt it would be a big loss.

If your brother happens to be the apple of your father's eye, things might get complicated. Just be prepared for a fallout with your folks if this is so.

Best of luck.
 
Find someone else to take over your part of the lease and move out. If your name is on the lease, ask him to leave and get another roommate from craigslist. You are in a large city so I assume either of these options could work for you.

And FYI its never a good idea to "punish" an adult. Just split everything in half from the beginning and maintain that arrangement. If your brother or any other adult cannot abide, move on from that arrangement, r ask them to put the expenses in their name.
 
checkinthingsout said:
Find someone else to take over your part of the lease and move out. If your name is on the lease, ask him to leave and get another roommate from craigslist. You are in a large city so I assume either of these options could work for you.

And FYI its never a good idea to "punish" an adult. Just split everything in half from the beginning and maintain that arrangement. If your brother or any other adult cannot abide, move on from that arrangement, r ask them to put the expenses in their name.
Click to expand...

That is a really good point.
Should make a thread about why not a good idea to punish an adult.
 
WOW! Evan, that is way too much drama! If you can financially afford it, move out and live alone. You will enjoy the peace and quiet without the drama.
 
It's difficult to change family dynamics, people don't "grow up" and change, traits and characteristics seem to follow in to adult life.
I would suspect that in you childhood together your brother was a user and you were always there to help him out.

He is not your life project, he is not yours to fix. By letting him use you, you are enabling him to continue to be irresponsible.

Look for a way to get your own place if possible, take care of yourself.
 
Sorry to hear about your relationship problems with your brother. If at all possible you need to separate, but I suspect that may not be easily possible. Good luck.
 
i ended up calling my dad and asked him to call my brother just so he doesnt do anything stupid, i dont know if they spoke or not but my dad sees my brother as the more "loyal" son because he doesn't stand up for himself against our dad the way i do. doesn't matter to me because my dad is a crackhead and always broke, my parents got divorced 20 years ago, etc etc.

my brother is pretty much incompetent when it comes to real decisions and lives in his own world. he doesnt know how to use a cell phone plan, cant pay his rent without my help, doesnt know how to write check or meet deadlines, doesnt know how to communicate at all, doesn't understand basic things about leases, finances, scammers, cant tell a druggie from a pile of shit, assumes people are always honest, is incredibly gullible arrogant and conceited, doesn't read directions or understand how to get information to help himself, misuses things for stuff they are not meant to be. and can only really function when someone is there to hand-hold him and there's a lot of people i know like that.

so yep im moving out hopefully sometime this month. going to leave most of it behind.

hes completely irrational when it comes to ideas of fairness. hes always playing some passive aggressive game to try and manipulate things he doesn't own or control, like my car and my own room. at times he is productive and contributes but it changes to being entitled again.

i always joke to my friends that one day we are going to take him out to the middle of nowhere and set him loose to go back into the wild.

i think he will be better off and unfortunately i couldn't leave sooner.
 
evanrick said:
so yep im moving out hopefully sometime this month. going to leave most of it behind.
Click to expand...

Have you managed to move out?

My brother and I do not get along. I was very much more at peace with myself (and the universe) after I moved out of the family home in which resided my brother and my folks (I am Chinese, a/the son is expected to live with the folks in the house until the folks die).
 
It doesn't sound as though your childhood, in general, was a bed of roses to even start with, so the fact that you and your brother got along prior to recent developments leads to questions I haven't seen asked.
Did you get along when you were growing up? And if this change is recent, why do you think that it suddenly changed?
In any case, the hostilities you have towards your father can't be doing you any good. As Buddha is reputed to have said, "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." In other words, you're angry with your father from quite a long time ago. And yet, knowing this you turned to him to talk to your brother, and now you're even angrier. What did you hope would happen, given you say you've stood up to your dad and he favors your brother?
Whatever the case, leaving the apartment is just the beginning. There are some very toxic feelings inside you, and they won't go away on their own, over time, although the innocent will tell you that it will. You've built these feelings up over 20 years, and in your own best interests, if you can afford it, therapy can assist you in finding an even keel, not just in the months to come, but for the rest of your life. I hope you look into that, because this same thing can happen with another roommate. And it will trigger the memories of this situation, and could escalate into something worse. Please take care of your head, as well as your body.
 
It sounds like a lot of drama and you don't need that just coming out of a major surgery, you need to cut your lost and start over your brother sounds like he maybe bipolar with all the highs and lows ups and downs mix with whatever your past family drama that either hasn't been resolve or to painful for him to deal with.
 
I moved across the state
got along growing up but mostly since he's older he thinks that gives him some card to play. Him and dad are violent towards me. Mom ODd on heroin in 2006.
The change has been erratic. i became very strict towards him to protect my belongings and shut 99% of ppl out.
Tried ssri but i couldn't leave the bathroom and couldn't sleep from legs shaking.
Now been exercising etc feeling 3/10 but happier than before.
 
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