long posting about anxiety

[evanrick]

Backstory:
Ive always been a "worrier". Ive always had self-esteem problems, as long as I can remember. I started having panic attacks as a teen. I developed a heart problem. I have PTSD from childhood trauma. That was a few years ago. My doctor at the time prescribed me paxil for my anxiety and propranolol (lowers blood pressure) for my heart. Most of my anxiety came from fear, social fear, fear of being "outed".

More recently Ive been suicidal, but I am not now. My anxiety wont stop, my stress levels are extremely high, my palms are sweaty, my hands and legs shake.

Ive saw a therapist yesterday, I was in the ER on Wednesday, and am going to see a neurologist on Friday. But I don't know what will happen now.

Ive discovered the medical system in America is NOT designed to treat the causes of anxiety but only manage the symptoms, and can even make them worse.

Ive been trying to track down the cause of my anxiety, my stress, why I feel my anxiety is worse than ever, and is not going away.

Chronic stress will trigger chemical build ups in your body, which can make anxiety symptoms worse. The "triggers" for anxiety, social anxiety, are "Traumatic" events and your body responds as if your life is in danger. Over time this response becomes harder to manage, the symptom is being constantly anxious.

Now I know what is making my anxiety worse, but stopping the stress will take a lot of time.

The only problem with managing stress is taking time off from work and school, removing all stress from my daily life. But my condition has gotten so bad lately, that I feel if i do not take drastic action now it will make the road to recovery longer.

In fact, my anxiety has become so bad, i am getting symptoms of more serious conditions.

I don't want to burden my family with my illness, and seeing more doctors will only lead to more band-aids like paxil.

I am even hoping the neurologist will find a tumor that can explain this sudden change I am feeling.

If i stop going to work, I will lose my health insurance, I could lose my job, and I cant afford to stop working.

I do not know what path to take, I do not know what happens "now".

I am doing things to reduce my stress like exercise. I just ran up and down the street to expel energy. I am eating better and avoiding caffeine.

But ive already started thinking ahead, that if my condition starts to interfere with my life even more, that if I have to stop going to work, how will I take care of myself.

This is the worst period of my life I have ever been through. I have been through bad times before, and always persevere.

I am taking things one day at a time. I see myself getting better.

 

[BrianPGH]

I have major issues with anxiety & depression, too. Mine began around 4th grade. I was ridiculed, mocked, threatened, harassed, bullied, etc., until -- literally -- the day I graduated, and ended up with the emotional scars to show for it. Depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, and at one point I was even suicidal (though that hasn't been the case for about 19 years now). I also have a tendency toward agoraphobia.

I've actually never been to a doctor for my anxiety issues. I only work part-time and don't have health insurance, but beyond that, and as you said, I'm not thrilled with the inept way the medical system treats those with these issues.

One thing that I've done, and I strongly suggest you look into this too, is found a panic & anxiety support group, and I've been regularly attending meetings since March of last year (I've only missed two, and that was for reasons unrelated to my anxiety).

The meetings have helped in a MAJOR way. Everyone in the group is old enough to be my parent or grandparent (I'm 38 ), but there's no age gap or awkwardness -- what each of is dealing with, is universally relatable to others with the same problem. We discuss and practice different coping mechanisms, breathing exercises, diversion therapy, etc., and it's all extremely helpful. Some of it is new to me, but some of it I already knew through various books I've read on living with anxiety. But even the coping mechanisms I was already using, I've noticed are more effective now with the reinforcement from the group.

Another great thing about the group, is that I'm constantly encouraged by the progress the other members have made and have shared. When they tell me how bad their anxiety was originally, and how far they've come, it gives me so much hope for my own situation. They all hold full-time jobs now (except those who are retired, but they keep busy too), and they all travel.

My heart goes out to you, evanrick, and I completely understand what you're going through, the "what ifs," and everything. I wish you all the best with this -- the things you're already doing are great, and I hope you continue to make progress with them. I also hope you're able to get yourself to a point where you can live happily and comfortably. I definitely believe you can and will.

In the meantime, please take my suggestion -- it could help you even more than you realize.

 

[tipmyscales86]

Ok I've been down this road before too with anxiety, depression, and being suicidal. For me to this day it still takes persistence and discipline to avoid falling into that trap again.

The first step I took was basically removing all anxiety-inducing situations by withdrawing myself from society all together. I only spent time with family and a couple close friends, people I was comfortable around. I needed to take a step back, introspect, and figure out who I was, what I wanted out of life, clear up issues from my past that contributed to my anxiety, and give myself a clean slate.

Sometimes in the rush of life between having a job, going to school, and trying to fit into social situations makes us lose a grasp of ourselves, living aimlessly day to day, and not allow us to fix problems we are dealing with which contribute to anxiety. Once I was able to...

- find my identity
- appreciate what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't have
- accept that my issues from the past were not worth beating myself up over and just the result of me and others being human beings with flaws
- build up the confidence that I had a place in this world and that it was important to me

...it allowed me to find some inner peace I had been lacking and move onto my next step. That step was finding a structure to my life. I started it with fixing my diet and exercise. I used to have a very unbalanced diet and ate whatever I wanted without working out much. I was lucky that my metabolism didn't allow me to balloon into obesity, but still, eating bad foods all the time messes with your mood. I designed my own strict diet in which I have a bowl of cereal in the morning, salad and fruit for lunch, and smaller portions of food I enjoy for dinner. I then started going to the gym and swimming pool every morning on weekdays. Once I got these very basic things in order with my life, I felt ready for other things to follow. I went back to school, I joined the GSA at my school, I date regularly and find it easier to make friends.

There are still times where the old feelings of anxiety and depression creep back into my mind, but it is not anywhere near as overwhelming as it used to be. I just remind myself that the feeling is temporary and will pass, and then turn my attention back to the goals I've set for myself. I hope sharing my experience can be helpful to you or anyone dealing with this. It sounds like you are taking some important steps to help yourself. I agree with you that prescription meds are just band-aids that only provide a temporary fix for a much deeper problem. Best of luck finding your way through this, but I really believe you can do it if I could.

 

[Seasoned]

I am finally being treated for anxiety, which I had all my life. I also have had a few panic attacks. My advice is to seek a referal to a psychiatrist who is in the best position to prescribe and monitor meds. Therapy is another useful tool. Not all meds are created equal and most have sexual side effects.

You may be thinking that you are living one day at a time but if you re-read your posts you'll notice you mention some what ifs. If a day at a time is too much you can break that down into smaller units. There is a normal ebb and flow with life, but "falling," or "sinking" into depression needs some type of intervention. Clinical depression can feed off of itself, putting the person in danger. Suicide can be an outcome of clinical depression and I took note that you weren't suicidal. If that should change seek help immediately. Do take god care of yourself. There are a lot of us here on your side.

Mental health issues sometimes require treatment. All mental health issues are not equal. It's no different than physical health issues.

 

[bankside]

evanrick, it sounds like your commitment to caring for yourself is itself becoming a source of stress. You seem to have already collected a lot of knowledge about how stress works on the mind: You're right about the feedback loop.

Maybe for the moment you could put aside the quest for the source of the stress and continue your efforts to break the feedback loop? I don't know if it's possible to "make peace with being stressed" but maybe a truce is better than an all-out war on stress? By no means am I suggesting you should put up with it or brush it under the carpet, or deny there is an issue. But set some modest goals, keep up the vision of your calm future, and give yourself permission to get there slowly.

You've got the right idea with exercise and diet. I would advise against "drastic action" because anything drastic usually is a source of stress itself. Just try a few small concrete steps. Check your progress every few weeks, and let yourself build up a bit of a reserve of resiliency. It sounds like you're already headed in that direction.

Take care!

 

[KaraBulut]

Your first step should be to get a physical to rule out things like mitral valve disease and migraines that can cause the symptoms you describe.

Once the physical causes are eliminated, what is left is the psychological causes.

Stress is healthy. The problem is not the stress. The problem is how people handle/cope (or fail to cope with) stress. Find a therapist (not necessarily a psychiatrist) who specializes in anxiety disorders.

 

[wi2486]

I am gay, and am deep in the closet. My result of my anxiety being so high is fear of being outed and hated by my family and friends. I also suffer from depression brought on by the anxiety. I'm secretly dating someone and am depressed that I can't see him a whole lot or talk about our relationship due to fear of the reactions from my peers and family being negative. Basically I'm living a double life and hating myself for not being true to myself. There are days I am motivated to come out but I run scared back deep in the closet. My advice would be to face your problems and acknowledge them, and you have! If you can't find a great theripist that can help you make goals to get rid of the anxiety then talk to your closest gay friends, they can help you. It helped me a lot. It can be intimidating being around people but you have to find friends who are like you that you can feel confortable around and talk to them. I'm sure your not the only one who is suffering from anxiety and maybe they can help you. BUT HEY, know that your not alone! Please take care of yourself!

 

[Slazzer]

evanrick and wi2486; I understand how anxiety and depression can affect you. They will both feed off of each other. The intense pressure that you feel from society is like a million tons on your shoulders.

We want to please others and we especially have an intrinsic need to feel accepted by our friends and families.

Living our lives in a way that feels natural to us and makes us happy, will often conflict with what others want for us, or think will make us happy.

This conflict leads to increased stress and anxiety.

From my personal experience, I think that the sooner we tell society and our friends/family, who we are.....that we are happy with who we are.......and that we will not conform to what they think is best for us; the sooner we can begin to heal.

I waited until later in my life to do this, and I truly wish that I had taken a stand earlier.

It would not have meant that I would have lived a depression and anxiety free life.....but I believe it would have made it easier to conquer those demons.

With that said; I understand that most young people are dependent on their immediate family structure for their most basic needs of housing, clothing, and food. This will usually make coming out seemingly impossible. That is most likely why I waited until I was independently established to free myself.

My heart goes out to you both, and to all of the others who are in your shoes.

Wishing you all the best,

Slazzer

 

[Fire]

Y
Once the physical causes are eliminated...

Find a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.

This, this, a thousand times this. Anxiety disorders, as many who have dealt with them can attest, are remarkably persistant and rarely remit without therapy. From your post it sounds like you've been trying to manage on your own, as many with anxiety do. Did it never occur to you to seek out treatment from a mental health professional for your mental health problem?

The tone of your post also suggests that you plan on trying to handle it alone in the future as well. If that's the case, I'd ask you to consider how that's worked out for you so far.