LONG story for those of you with time.

[Rolyo85]

Ok, first of all, drinking recreationally is fun. Try it, it won't turn you into an alcoholic. Just saying.

Now about your situation. I will first talk about the weed thing. I am NOT a fan of pot. I have tried it a few times, and still would, if the occasion seems right for it, but I have never smoked pot consistently, and I do have an issue with the people who do. It changes the way they act, the way they interact with you and in general turns them weird. Not to mention passive and unambitious...

That said, to each their own. BUT he lied to you about it for two years. I am not even gonna go to the obvious "if he hid THAT, how much more has he hidden?", but I will point out that if you are doing something you know your significant other won't approve of, the way to go about it is not to hide it. It's to discuss it, see if there is a solution, and reach a mutually agreeable decision. "You wouldn't like it, so I lied" is WAY too easy, and shows weakness of character that can be extremely damaging. Did he only do it for this? Or would he do it ANY time there is something he wants that you wouldn't approve of?

I am generally not a fan of never-ending stories. Relationships usually have a reason for not working out, and that reason doesn't disappear over time. I also don't like your reasons for being afraid of finishing it. Insecurity is an EXTREMELY destructive reason to be with someone. You already WERE with another guy, and you make it seem like YOU were the one who broke it off. So you don't have bitter sad brokenhearted jaded reasons to expect you wouldn't find another guy.

I came out AFTER undergrad. You've already had three times the experience I do. You should not chain yourself to someone obviously not entirely stable, who is also hiding things from you.

 

[Rolyo85]

Everybody does. That's why this forum exists Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk more.

 

[hotatlboi]

My concern is finding a guy who is older and more mature that is willing to deal with my... issues. (I have clinical anxiety and it is really really bad).

Please don't take this the wrong way or as me not respecting your choices but I think with something like this you should be even more open to alcohol and/or weed, as I can tell you from personal experience that they both help immensely with anxiety, and no I'm not addicted to either.

 

[Stoopid]

I don't feel like you need to be in a serious relationship. You're still young, take a break from all that stuff and focus your energy on something more worthwhile.

I'm young too and I've never been in a relationship before, and after reading all of that, I don't think I ever want to be honestly. If I were you, I couldn't handle all of that and would shut off that mess real quick. Cheers!

 

[Seasoned]

It seems as though insecurity and drama can go hand in hand especially in an addictive relationship. At this point it's not so much what he's doing or not doing, but, rather, what you're afraid he's doing. Constant worry about the status of your relationship or how easy it is for your partner to be distracted AND continuing in the relationship is unhealthy. You are correct in making the hereditary link in terms of addiction, but you seem unaware that it's made you co-dependent and prone to other addictions, such as relationship addiction.

You seem to be compromising again and again in order to stay in your relationship and that is wearing you out. You do a lot of minimizing when it comes to your boyfriend's behavior. There's a big difference between smoking pot and being a pothead just as there is between drinking alcohol and being an alcoholic. You have been affected by alcoholism and the sooner you study up on how that has affected your life and how it has set up up for continuing problems with relationships the sooner you'll be able to make healthy choices.

I wish you well on your journey of self discovery and I hope you make the choices which enhance your future. Switching plans to stay with your boyfriend is not something I'd recommend. Good luck to you. PM me if you'd like. I know a lot about the impact of addiction on relationships.

 

[KaraBulut]

I just wanted to see what you guys thought about this situation. If you took the time to read the whole story. =/ Anything will help right now, I just don't know what to do....

How many red flags do you need?

He's needy and manipulative.

No one watches movies until 4AM with a guy who sends naked pictures.

He's doing things that make you uncomfortable, whether it be drinking, smoking pot or other habits.

Every time you are seeing someone else or you are moving on, he shows back up and causes problems.


Take the move to CSU as a sign that it's time to move on.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

I agree with KaraBulut and Seasoned when they recommend you not change your plan to go to CSU.

You mention relationship breakups several times, but you never say why they broke up. It might help to know, if we are going to give you good advice.

 

[hotatlboi]

What an awful advice, I suffer Social Anxiety Disorder and this is something treatable, go to a therapist or a psychiatrist, they will give you the right treatment.

I can't believe someone would advice drugs and booze to other person.

Just like you I NEVER drink, smoke or do drugs, never in my life, It's not mandatory and if you've been able to have fun on this healthy way so far, it'd great to keep it that way, according to my shrink people with anxiety issues are the ones getting addicted to drugs.

Look I'm not trying to start an argument, but there is solid medical evidence that alcohol in moderation has real health benefits, in addition to the fact that it makes things easier socially.

It's his choice, and I respect it, as I respect yours. But please don't say that I am not a healthy person, because I made a different choice.

I had a lot of social anxiety as well before I drank at all. I didn't go to a shrink, but alcohol did help me a lot.

And if you go to a psychiatrist they will probably prescribe an anti-depressant or something, which is fine, but that's a "drug" too, as is alcohol. There are different approaches to the problem.

 

[Rolyo85]

Not really a necessary argument, but I also agree that alcohol in moderate amounts is very helpful both socially, and personally.

 

[bankside]

Sorry to hear the news. So early in life it is difficult to find someone whose path in life will complement your own. But it is worth trying.

A fresh start in a new community is for the best.

 

[hotatlboi]

Sorry to hear about the breakup. Probably for the best though, like you said you wanted totally different things which isn't very compatible.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, that tells you stuff was probably kinda happening from before that. No need to confront him or anything. You're not together anymore. Just understand that it was a mistake keeping him around as long as you did, and you wasted a lot of your time.

And stop stalking him. It's creepy.

 

[palemale]

Alright guys, my situation just got a million times worse.... So I told you that we broke up last Tuesday... after the break up, Adrian told me that he needed some time to go be alone. So he wanted to go back home to our hometown for a while which is an hour away. He didn't take his dogs with him, which he usually does, so I was suspicious from the beginning.

After 3 days, I get too suspicious. THIS IS WHERE I AM CRAZY AND FUCKED UP. I decided to check his bank account and see where he was spending money... Not to my surprise, he was in fucking Michigan....

Turns out, he went there and met up with Lucas. They hooked up on the last night there... I just feel so cheated... I know we are broken up, but.... seriously... 4 days after we ended our FIVE year relationship?....

This is good news. The next time he breaks up, stops sleeping and eating, starts drinking heavily, etc, he'll be someone else's problem, not yours.

 

[hotatlboi]

Your situation didn't get worse, it got better. You made the right choice to break up with him. What he does now is not your problem anymore.

 

[chance1]

^ def

IF you were not sure before
you are now

good luck

as for "you should drink or smoke" i think that's not an appropriate "to do" for anyone

that's up to the individual

i say that as a social drinker - i don't smoke

 

[Rolyo85]

He is NOT your best friend and hasn't been for years. He is your EX BOYfriend, and cutting him out completely is not just possible, but necessary if you want to get over this. It's good that you're seeing someone about it, but you should start in your head by making the distinction. He stopped being in the "friend" category the moment you started dating and lost his right to get back in it when he started lying to you.

He doesn't feel bad because he "wanted to do it"? Wow THAT's mature...

 

[bankside]

If he couldn't be a decent boyfriend, he'll do no better as a friend.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah you need to get out of the habit of caring where he is and what he says about that. It's no longer your concern, nor is it your business.

Not easy sure, but that's what breakups amount to. The only thing you should be concerned about now is getting him out of your house as quickly as possible, and fuck watching his dogs, they're his responsibility, not yours. If he want to run off and hook up with some guy - tell him to go to a kennel.