Long term boyfriend is still in the closet

[ccaopd]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for quite a while (well over a year), and whilst he is openly gay to his friends, he isn't to his family. I can't go over his house when any of his family are home. He has his straight friends over, and talks to some of them more often than he talks to me, because they just drop by his house to hang out, and chill. I feel kind of worthless in the relationship because he's not willing to come out to his family, yet he's also unwilling to lie to them about where he is (I don't ask him to lie, but when I want him to spend the night at my house, or come see a movie with me, he will often say no because he doesn't want to lie to his family).

Part of his reasoning is that his sister never came out as straight, and that she would occasionally bring boys home and it was up to the family to assume they were dating...following this line of logic, shouldn't he bring me home and let the family assume we're dating?

I just don't know what to do. When I'm at his house, I always have to leave before his family get home so we're not caught (WOW, imagine being caught playing video games or watching a movie. His family would definitely assume two guys playing a video game MUST be fucking each other).

I don't want to force him to come out, but at the same time, it really saddens me that I can't meet anyone in his family when he has met EVERYONE (cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles, parents cousins) in mine.

Sorry this has been so long...was more of a rant/asking for suggestions on how to discuss the topic with him.

NB: most of the points I've made here, I've made to him and his opinion is "idk, i just don't feel the need to" or "you can come over", but then when I go to put it in practice, he won't let me. And I don't want to press the issue and have him come out to his family and then have him blame it on me.

 

[ccaopd]

TL;DR

Boyfriend won't come out, I feel like shit.

Any suggestions?

 

[Screwdriver4]

dump him

can't have his cake and eat it to... his own internalized homophobia needn't come at the cost of your happiness

 

[Incognito]

I don't think you should force someone to "come out" because that's a personal decision that affects his life and not yours. However you can break up with someone because you're not prepared to be living in a hidden relationship.

If you're not happy with the situation. Feel stupid 'hiding' at his place, annoyed he doesn't come and stay with you (/ that you don't spend enough time together), become irritated by his paranoida at being 'found out', or would prefer a guy more confident with his own identity then you should talk to him about it.

Decide whether you can put up with it, or if you want things to improve (e.g. insist he comes to stay with you more often) or that you should part ways.

On a side note the closeted guys I have dated have never told me "I don't want to come over because I can't lie to my parents". I mean by hiding the fact they're gay and secretly dating other boys- they are lying already.

Just my thoughts..

 

[bisuperboi2007]

My boyfriend is exactly the same. He is out to mostly everyone and his dad, but he isn't out to his mum, sister or grandparents, but I am not going to force him to come out to them because I don't want to pressure him into doing it if he isn't ready and like Incognito said it's a personal decision that will affect his life.

 

[Rolyo85]

On one hand, yes, you can't and shouldn't force him to come out, that is a personal decision. You can only encourage him in a positive way.

On the other, he is acting like an asshole, and his excuses are bullshit and stink of internal homophobia. He doesn't want to lie to his parents about staying over in your place? He is already lying to them 24/7, and has been ever since he realized he liked dick!

His sister didn't come out as straight? Wow, logic for third graders. Some balls have stripes, and all things with stripes are orange, therefore OBVIOUSLY all balls are orange? Um, no, not really.

There is something not right about this situation - either he is lying to you about something, or he is just plain dumb and egocentric.

Either way you need to have a serious talk with him and consider moving on with your life.

I have never dated a closeted guy. Don't know if I can put up with all the bullshit drama...

 

[anchihiro]

Dump him, this isn't an equal relationship.

 

[TX-Beau]

Alright. While we all sympathize with someone who is in the closet.

NO ONE has a right to the closet. It's simply this unfortunate place some of us who can't get past our fear find ourselves.

If we don't out people it's because we know how hard it is to live that horrible life, and how hard it is to find your courage - not because closeted guys have a right to demand we respect their closet. There is nothing respectable about the closet, it's the big lie.

So when your BF starts prioritizing the lie over your relationship that tells you that his fear is stronger than his feelings for you - but here's the catch, if and only if you have sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms that he will make progress or you will leave, and you have to mean it.

Otherwise - if you're just going to stick around no matter how worthless his closet makes you feel, there is no point to discussing it.

Don't talk to him about his sister, don't talk to him about his excuses for staying in the closet, all you want to talk about is how his fear is hurting you.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. This is what I would do. I'd let him face his closet consequences. It will affect you also, but you won't be putting your own hand on the closet door. I'd stop doing anything that made me feel like shit starting with never being at his home. This scurrying out the back door as is family is about to enter the front is ridiculous.

It might mean you'd see him less, but you'd see him on terms which are supportive to your well-being and he'd be able to draw a clearer contrast between your open life and his closet. I don't think he deserves the best of both worlds. By going along with this you are enabling him.

 

[Ganoderma]

Hi Ccaopd,

Welcome to JUB and I hope you feel better after the answers other people over here have already given to you.

So your boyfriend (X) tries to have a 'split life'.

(1) he is gay and he is your boyfriend, he is open to your family, to all of your friends, and to a part of his friends as well. So X is a gay guy and is dating Y (=you).

(2): X is a 'straight guy without a girlfriend'. So all the time, X gives various signals to all of his straight friends and anyone in his family that he is 'straight without a girlfriend'. Towards my opinion, there are terms to defend the these that X is lying to his family and to all of his straight friends that (1) he is gay and (2) he is dating you.

How does he ever see that these both lifes will come together? How about his next Birthday Party? Does he want to organize 2 B-day parties (one with his family and with his straight friends, and one with you and with his other friends)? That's ridiculous? How does he see this?

I have a strong idea that his ideas / his opinions in regard to the continuation of his relationship with you are similar like walking along a road with a dead end. Likely, you are already almost on the end of this dead road.

So what will happen when one of his straight friends (or cousins of whatever) will bump into him when he is together with you, in any public or semi-public area?

'Y' (=you) is my boyfriend is a perfect and easy way to come out, to his family and also to all of his straight friends. Indeed, straight girls don't need to come out, but also don't need to hide they are dating a guy. So why should he hide that he is dating you?

What kind of problems is he facing when his family will know that he is dating you? And how about his straight friends? Does he has 2 types of friends?

Anyway, I would like to wish you alot of strength. I would not bother at all if his friends and family got aware that you are existing, eg. because you did not care to keep this secret.

The guy holds a big secret to his family and to his straight friends and that means he is not honest to them, and that makes his 'story' that he does not want to ly to his friends / family somehow not appropriate.

Why should he blame you? That's non-sense. He is the guy who should blame himself. He started a relationship with you, and being open to friends and family is just 'part of the deal'.

Be aware (or tell him, if you have not yet done this) that his fear to come out will never disappear when he stays in the closet. So he will keep this fear during the rest of his life / for the next 2 years (etc) when he does not want to open him. Only opening himself is the clue to get rid of the fear, and the sooner the better.

Best wishes and good luck.

 

[Ninja108]

Sad to say but at some point..your happiness has to come into play as well.
You are being made to feel like garbage because your bf can't accept who he is but is willing to use you while lying about who you are.
It will be tough but I'd say it's time to end it.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's quite a few posts in the CO&R forum where we list one of the reasons to come out is because of a serious relationship that you don't want to hide from friends and family.

And that's really what this is about, isn't it?

By your own admission, not much is going to change if he were to tell his family- at least in terms of your relationship with him. It would however profoundly change his relationship with his family and perhaps it might change the fact that he lives with them.

From your post, it sounds like your own relationship with your family is a close one and that your boyfriend has been welcomed into that relationship. In contrast, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has that type of relationship with his family. That's a factor in all of his.

It's interesting to note that while your post reveals that you've been dating for a year, there's not much about how serious the relationship is or how the two of you feel about each other.

What's not clear is whether this is about what is best for your boyfriend or what is best for you. Would his coming out to his family- or more importantly, his telling them about your relationship- benefit your boyfriend? Or would it benefit you? Or is this a way of validating the relationship?

 

[terry61_99]

I am not sure if any of the guys who are saying you should break up with your bf are in or out of the closet, (sounds like they might be out) but I thought I would add my 2 cents. I think you are getting the short end of the stick and my advice is that you should consider breaking up with him, it's not fair to you. And just to be clear...I am in the closet. Best of luck!!! Hope it all works out for you!

 

[ccaopd]

I spoke to him about it all, and let him know how I'm feeling, and he said that he's just scared to come out and doesn't know how to do it because he's not that close with his family (he's comparing his family to mine, where my sisters and I are more like friends than siblings).
He knows it upsets me, and in the past two or so weeks he has been getting better with public affection...a little kiss here or there in public places (like the middle of a shopping centre), or a proper kiss good bye in the car when I drop him off.
So there has been improvement And hopefully he'll come out to his family soon (he said he wants to do it soon). If he hasn't done it by New Years Eve, I am going to talk to him a bit more seriously in the first few days of next year.

 

[Rolyo85]

Coming out doesn't get easier with time, so he doesn't need to build up to it. Just offer him your support, offer to even be with him when he breaks it to his family. Don't wait for months to have another "talk". Things are very clear, and there isn't anything to "think about" or "wait for".

 

[ccaopd]

Coming out doesn't get easier with time, so he doesn't need to build up to it. Just offer him your support, offer to even be with him when he breaks it to his family. Don't wait for months to have another "talk". Things are very clear, and there isn't anything to "think about" or "wait for".

I think it can get easier with time. As you get older, you don't rely so heavily on parents. If his parents were to react badly and kick him out, he would have no home (of course I'd offer him to live with me and my family) and he would lose his job (as he uses his mums car). Once you're older and you have your own house/car/assets, there isn't as much at stake as when you're younger.

 

[Rolyo85]

Actually, the older you get, the harder it is, but it's not my life, so I won't argue. I'm just saying, there are ALWAYS reasons to not come out. Those aren't the one that matter though.

 

[vaporlockd]

Yikes harsh.
I'll try give you the perspective from the closeted bf. I was with a guy for about a year as well. He was completely out to everyone. I was and am not out to really anyone. I've met his family and friends. His friends were great and accepting. His family was cordial but still not cool with it. It was nice to meet his family but it wasn't a deal killer. I wasn't dating his family... I was dating him. While it was nice to spend holidays and whatnot with them, I ultimately went home with him, not them.

Now on my end, he had never met my family. He REALLY wanted to but how would a closeted guy do that? He never said it, but I knew it hurt him to not be able to meet them. It wouldn't fly in my family. I'd be cut off and disowned.

Do you think it didn't tear me up inside that I kept him from meeting my family? Kept my "secret" life separate from the fam? God yeah it killed me.. I hated it. It hurt him and that hurt me. I'd have loved to have the fairy-tale Christmas around the tree with everyone, celebrating birthdays and holidays, the made-for-tv everyone-is-best-friends movie. But it wouldn't have happened like that. I'd let him meet them, I'd get shunned and then I'd be excluded from every family function forever. So what good would that have done anyone?

While it still bugged him, he understood and quit prodding me about it.. because in the end it was about me and him, not us and everyone else.

Sorry, just gotta stick up for the closet guys since I am one and understand how it feels. I don't want to be in the closet, but sometimes I have to be for the sake of general happiness.

 

[Rolyo85]

There is no general happiness when you're living a lie. There is you being miserable for the sake of people who don't really love you if they would shun you for being gay.

Just saying. Unless you're financially dependent, all you're hiding in the closet is your comfort zone.

It's harsh, but almost everyone on this forum (me included) speaks from experience. I wasn't out until a year and a half ago. Now I am. Nothing in my life has changed for the worse. Everything has changed for the better. Perhaps not everyone will be so lucky, but I assure you the guy you are dating (about you and whom it's all about, as you say) will be much happier when you're free, and you'll be much happier with him once you're free. He'll be your support too.

Those are facts.

 

[vaporlockd]

I understand your viewpoint but I'm happy with my life. I'm not living a lie. I just don't chose to divulge my sexual preference to everyone. I live my life as I want, my family just doesn't need to know about it. They don't ask and I don't tell.. how is that a lie?
I'm financially dependent but I still want my family around, they mean a lot to me.
Life may be easier if I came out. It may not. I can't predict the outcome. All I know right now is that I am happy with life as it currently is. I guess if it came down to a guy requiring me to come out or break up, I'd break up. To me, that's a shallow thing to ask of someone.
I have no doubt I am the minority on this forum, but I am happy with things as they are. I don't want to lead the OP's post off topic, we will have to agree to disagree on this subject