Long term boyfriend is still in the closet

[Frosty]

Don't pressure him to do it, let him do it when he's ready. Why does it hurt you if you didn't do anything? You went into the relationship knowing he was in the closet and would have to accept to deal with it until he's ready or get out of the relationship. You have to decide if it's worth it to you to stay in a relationship with someone who's closeted and wait until he's ready or break it off and leave. It's a tiny problem to you, it's a HUGE problem for him losing his job, house, and family. Of course he can live with you but what happens if you guys break up?

We were all in the closet at one point and you don't even know how old is boyfriend is so I don't understand why everyone on here is painting his boyfriend to be some giant asshole. It might be hurting the OP a little but I think it'd be WAY more hurtful for the boyfriend if his boyfriend was trying to push him out of the closet and ask him to risk losing everything for someone he's known for a year if he's not financially and mentally ready for it. Based on the original post, asking him to come out now would be a very selfish thing to do. Your family's perfectly accepting of your sexuality so it's easy for you but he might not be so lucky.

 

[Frosty]

Coming out doesn't get easier with time, so he doesn't need to build up to it. Just offer him your support, offer to even be with him when he breaks it to his family. Don't wait for months to have another "talk". Things are very clear, and there isn't anything to "think about" or "wait for".

It does get easier with time that's why people wait until they're ready. Coming out in Jr. High is WAY more difficult then coming out after college when you're financially independent and mentally prepared for it.

 

[Rolyo85]

The issue is uncomfortable for all here, and therefore some responses are more aggressive than is probably necessary.

Everyone had to struggle, and in different ways. Some feel that if they had to struggle, it's not fair for others not to. Me, I just know I wasn't fit to be in a relationship while in the closet. You can't BOTH have the romance, AND hide it. It doesn't work, and you don't know what to do with it. Romantic relationships aren't some isolated concept floating in nothingness. They spring out of other social interactions, and are part of them. When you are socially incomplete (as all closeted people are), your relationship will also be incomplete.

And I am sorry if I think that anybody who claims to be happy in that state is lying to themselves. Like it was already said, let's agree to disagree.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Vaporlockd,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask as much questions in this forum as you would like. There are alot of people over here who give answers to these, and other questions. But these people (fellow JUB-ers) are not equal to each other, so you also don't get replies / answers with similar viewpoints.

So pick and choose the type of answer / reply you like, and do the things you feel comfortable with.

So you are a guy of 28 and you are living in North Dakota (at least according to your profile), and your family does not know you are gay (though you have a long-term boyfriend), and you have no plans to tell your family that you are engaged with a guy.

I was wondering how often you get questions from people of your family when you will introduce them to your girlfriend? I mean, you are 'single, 28, and still looking around'. He man, why no girlfriend?

Excuse me very much, but

Do you think it didn't tear me up inside that I kept him from meeting my family? Kept my "secret" life separate from the fam? God yeah it killed me.. I hated it. It hurt him and that hurt me. I'd have loved to have the fairy-tale Christmas around the tree with everyone, celebrating birthdays and holidays, the made-for-tv everyone-is-best-friends movie. But it wouldn't have happened like that.

and

I understand your viewpoint but I'm happy with my life. I'm not living a lie. (....). All I know right now is that I am happy with life as it currently is.

don't agree with each other. Excuse me very much, but you tell us 2 viewpoints of yourself. So (1) the current situation kills you, and (2) I am happy with my current life. Hey man, this does not fit with each other. A guy cannot eat both sides of a cake.



On top of that, I disagree with your statement that you are not lying to your parents / family.

A guy of 28 with a good relationship with his parents who is hiding from them that he has a long-term boyfriend, whilst they are waiting on the moment that you will (hopefully soon!!) present them your girlfriend (and give them grandchildern) is lying. Sorry mate, but I cannot make anything else of it.

Ofcourse, I fully agree with you that it is your life, and that you are the only one who must decide what to do and what to tell and not to tell. But please don't try to convince me that you don't ly to your parents. You do, and please be aware of it.

Again, no problem for me that you ly (and keep lying) to your parents (especially when they are relifundi homophobes), but be clear about it.

I would like to recall the words of Rolyo85: You can't BOTH have the romance, AND hide it. It doesn't work, and you don't know what to do with it. Romantic relationships aren't some isolated concept floating in nothingness. They spring out of other social interactions, and are part of them. When you are socially incomplete (as all closeted people are), your relationship will also be incomplete.

So do you really think you can have a complete relationship with a guy when you keep on with living in the closet?

Please excuse me if you might consider this as a quite confrontational.

 

[bobmart21]

yeah, it does get easier. "just saying", not relying on family is a big part of an independent life in order to be proud of oneself. Then you can come out without a concern over how your gonna get your next meal or nights sleep. "just saying"

 

[TX-Beau]

Being independent is a big part of growing up for anyone, and yes in that one specific way it MIGHT get easier, but not really, none of us see a whole bunch of gay men coming out to their families the moment they become independent.

That just doesn't happen. Unless the sole and only reason the guy was in the closet was money - which is rarely the case.

The vast majority of the time the guy continues to hide. Because being in the closet isn't about the relatives, it's not about the money, it's about a guy's discomfort with himself - his fear about himself - his own inability to accept himself, and once he resolves those things, he comes out, no matter the money, no matter the family. Thousands upon thousands of gay men have come out to hostile families, got kicked out, got beat up, had a whole bunch of things happen to them, but they came out anyway. Why? That's not what's keeping you in the closet.

No one keeps us in the closet but ourselves.

And yes it does get harder, the longer you live your lie, the more foolish you're going to look if you do come out, the more invested in your deception you become, the more comfortable with the justifications you employ to rationalize your deception, the greater expectations you've built up in other based on your lie.

Sometimes to the point of wives and children who get to share the trauma if you come out.

When you're young, you're an open book and especially these days, it's not really that hard compared to times past. When you're 40, you have over half a lifetime of lie to live down.

 

[TX-Beau]

It always gets me when guys in the closet tell themselves that guys who are out don't understand - it doesn't surprise me when they won't listen to the advice guys who traveled that same path give them, but it's kind of sad that they can't bring themselves to listen. I understand why this it, but that doesn't make it any less unfortunate.

They get anxious when you talk to them, they get defensive, because what you're saying challenges all the justifications they are hiding behind.

But really, that's the beginning of freedom, understanding that you are unable to accept yourself. It's the first step, admitting that your issues are with yourself.

From that realization, all the rest follows