Lonliness

[altlover85]

First off, hi!

I hope and pray I'll meet that perfect guy and that he'll like me back. I tell myself, 'it'll get better, it'll get better' anyways...

There is no perfect guy. He doesn't exist. And that's not the end of the world.

There's probably a great guy out there for you who you haven't met, but no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws.

Just try your best to not put anyone on a pedestal. I know that's easier said than done, but it's the truth.

Yeah yeah, I have a cute round face. People tell me, but I hate it, I don't want to have a 'round' anything. I don't think I'm being shallow either, I just have preferences, and I hate what I look like now.

Yes, you do have a cute face. And that's something to be thankful for. You can't really change an ugly face into a cute one as "easily" as you can change a not perfect body into a leaner and more fit one.

As hard as it is, try and accept you for you and know that you're a work in progress.

Are you a student right now or what? Do you have any plans to move out in the near future if you aren't going to school?

No matter what, I know that being lonely can suck, but things can change and I'm sure they will for you.

You're at least trying to change your life and reaching out here, which is great!

 

[HunterM]

Does that work? Balancing like that?

Most of, if not all, my friends have moved to college.

It does work. It's about how much calories are going into your body and how much calories/fat are being burned. The more you exercise, the more you are increasing your metabolism to burn calories. I know some people eat big portions of food and do not gain weight. It's because they are very active in sports and have high metabolism.

Since your friends have moved away, you need to fill that void with new friends. Join a community team sport. Volunteer your time at a local non-profit organization.

I think someone has already posted this. Volunteer at your local Humane Society. You said you would love to have a dog...some day. Here's your chance to learn more about them and responsibilities to keep a dog. It will prepare you to be an inform dog owner when it is time to get one in the future. Learning to walk and care for a dog requires leadership skills (that you will learn). Having leadership will empower you in all aspects of your life such as at work, school, dating (relationship), relationship among friends, etc

 

[JohnstonKommer]

altlover85: I know what you're saying, and yes I'm trying to stay positive.

Hunter: That sounds like a good idea, and I would love to volunteer. Sadly transportation is always an issue, but I'll look into it and try.

Really my outlook will be dramatically enhanced once I get into shape. Until then I'm afraid nothing will change. I don't care what anyone says, weight and overall 'attractiveness' matters in getting a job.

 

[altlover85]

Really my outlook will be dramatically enhanced once I get into shape. Until then I'm afraid nothing will change. I don't care what anyone says, weight and overall 'attractiveness' matters in getting a job.

It may matter, but it's certainly not the be all and end all as far as getting a job goes, especially if you choose a job where you aren't in the public eye.

I'm not trying to be insulting because you look fine to me, but I'm simply stating what I've learned from working for companies where people do a lot of work on the phones.

 

[Ganoderma]

Re: Loneliness

Hi JohnstonKommer,

I would like to congratulate you. You have experienced a very tough time, and I clearly read from the answers you provide in this thread that you are on your way to grow over the past.

I would like to suggest to you that I think that it is very likely that you will be able to 'set aside' all the bad things which have happened in the past, and that in due time this will be no longer any issue for you.

However, this does not mean that you are already on the end of the road towards this ideal situation. No way, but there is a substantial progression, at least towards my opinion.

Often, these things go step by step. And often, people need to built in some kind of 'securities' (be it good friends, be it a fixed job, be it permanent housing, it can be anything). And I have the strong opinion that you are right now comfortable with your own sexual orientation.

I tend to think that it is very normal that you often have these feelings of 'loneliness'. I mean, you are still living together with your very old grandparents, and you are still not sure what will come next (work, school etc.). And you will not yet have built up a network with friends / aquaintances etc. Take your time, and go ahead bit by bit. Other posters have given you a variety of advise, and choose the ones you think that fit you.

I think that doing work as a volunteer (for the time being) is a very good option for you. It can be anything, helping old people, helping underprivileged people, helping homeless animals etc. Ofcourse, it must fit with your needs and your skill, and you must be able to commute easily between your place and this site. Maybe you can just help some neighbours in the nearby surroundings of the place where you are now staying.

I tend to think that it is a bad idea that you will 'take a dog'. Currently, your situation is not 'stable'. Very likely, you will not stay in this place for the next 15 years. Who knows, maybe very soon you will move to another city, or to another part of the US. Having a dog (=meaning you are responsible for it for the next 15 years) is not a good combination in your current situation. Besides that, 'having a dog' also means that you must feed this dog (so you need extra money etc). Why not look around in your neighbourhood that you might have a regular walk with one of with some of the dogs of people over there (maybe people who are busy with their job, or are sick etc).

Anyway, take care & good luck. And try to eat some healthy food as well.

Definately, you are on the road to feel comfortable with your new situation.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Thank you Ganoderma. Yes, I understand the responsibility to take care of an animal. I plan to move away as quickly as possible.

I try to eat healthy, believe me, but the refrigerator and freezer are like the frozen food aisle at the supermarket. Just about one of everything UNHEALTHY. The pantry is nothing but outdated home-made jam and hotdog chili ingredients X_X

 

[Kabluey]

On the exercise front, as well as any health benefits, it really does help improve your mood and helps you focus, once you get in to it.
Wasn't a massive fan of exercise until the mental boost started to kick in, can help you feel better about life's complications and give you more energy to solve them.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

I've only felt that a few times, when I lost alot of weight a few months ago. Unhealthy food just depresses me and makes me feel awful. That's all I can find here. I just need to exercise more regardless how I feel...right?

 

[erobert]

I know what you're going though now as I'm going through a similar situation myself. I'm living with my elderly uncle and aunt in the suburbs until I can afford a place in the city (or roommates at least) Who would think you can feel lonely in NYC with soo many peope around you all the time. It's possible believe me, I still haven't made any friends here due to being shy.

Also, I'm not self conscious about my body image but do think I am a bit on the skinny side, like underweight for my age.

So I'm making an effort to work out (in my bedroom for now) until I can determine which gym in the city to go to.

They say working out is a natural way to improve mood and fight depression. To change your circumstances you need to change you inner situation, if you know what I mean.

I think a mistake I made which I hope you'll avoid is not being proactive enough with making new friends in college and especially after graduation.

I recommend looking into meetup.com groups in your area or taking up a volunteer position somewhere that interests you. There's a lot of good advice in this thread to making friends and improving you social life.

Take yourself out also on the weekends, being around other people in a place that interests me not only helps but can lead to you meeting someone who's like minded. It could be a friend or BF- you never know.

If anything you can meet people right here on JUB. I built myself a NYC welcome wagon consisting of a few JUBBer's.

Sure, they're not my friends but I was very thankful for them making the transition smoother.

Anyway, sorry if I was rambling or talking too much about my own situation but I hope it helps.

 

[Kabluey]

I've only felt that a few times, when I lost alot of weight a few months ago. Unhealthy food just depresses me and makes me feel awful. That's all I can find here. I just need to exercise more regardless how I feel...right?

Yep - need to force yourself to start exercising, because unfortunately the feel-good factor doesn't kick in beforehand, once you've done a bit you will start feeling better.

Also, good advice there from erobert - easy to be shy if it's your natural state.
That said you can start at any time, don't need to establish a pool of friends for life at college age only. People come and go, you just need to open up and avoid avoiding.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

First I need to say that I feel awful for not keeping up with this, you guys are so helpful and I've neglected you all. I've been busy some :/

I know what you're going though now as I'm going through a similar situation myself. I'm living with my elderly uncle and aunt in the suburbs until I can afford a place in the city (or roommates at least) Who would think you can feel lonely in NYC with soo many peope around you all the time. It's possible believe me, I still haven't made any friends here due to being shy.

Also, I'm not self conscious about my body image but do think I am a bit on the skinny side, like underweight for my age.

So I'm making an effort to work out (in my bedroom for now) until I can determine which gym in the city to go to.

They say working out is a natural way to improve mood and fight depression. To change your circumstances you need to change you inner situation, if you know what I mean.

I think a mistake I made which I hope you'll avoid is not being proactive enough with making new friends in college and especially after graduation.

I recommend looking into meetup.com groups in your area or taking up a volunteer position somewhere that interests you. There's a lot of good advice in this thread to making friends and improving you social life.

Take yourself out also on the weekends, being around other people in a place that interests me not only helps but can lead to you meeting someone who's like minded. It could be a friend or BF- you never know.

If anything you can meet people right here on JUB. I built myself a NYC welcome wagon consisting of a few JUBBer's.

Sure, they're not my friends but I was very thankful for them making the transition smoother.

Anyway, sorry if I was rambling or talking too much about my own situation but I hope it helps.

Thank you Erobert er- Mr. Harold (lol). No no, ramble all you want, I do it myself. I like details. But I agree I need to meet more people. I'm not sure about meetup.com, but I'll look into it.

Yep - need to force yourself to start exercising, because unfortunately the feel-good factor doesn't kick in beforehand, once you've done a bit you will start feeling better.

Also, good advice there from erobert - easy to be shy if it's your natural state.
That said you can start at any time, don't need to establish a pool of friends for life at college age only. People come and go, you just need to open up and avoid avoiding.

College is like a fantasy now. I think and dream about it, but I just get stuck. I need a job and that's going nowhere :/


Honestly fellas, I'm terribly depressed, annnd that causes issues with everything. I wish I had depression pills and anxiety pills. I can get so depressed and VERY anxious.

Long story short. The past week I am/was talking to a guy across country. It's fun, we have a lot in common. We were attracted to eachother and we got really close. So that was great, any mundane task or anything was easy, simple, cause I was happy, ya know? I had him to talk to and everything was awesome. So we got closer, then too close if you know what I'm saying.

SO BASICALLY, distance is too much, and he likes some other local guy. So I said sure, as long as nothing changed between me and him. He promised, things changed anyways, he seems to have lost interest, and is dating said local boy. I didn't want to give him up because I've NEVER had a friend like that, then things got weird I guess. :/ So he's pushed the JUST FRIENDS thing and across country, it's rough like that, especially after being closer. Like taking a step back. Everything seems weird and as much as I want to be just friends and I want that to be, he just doesn't seem to want to talk about anything anymore or anything....

so the status is now: Just Friends, but it hurts like hell. I hate heartbreak. That sharp heavy feeling in my chest. And it won't go anywhere.

So now I'm depressed...and shit, I can't think or see straight. So damn cloudy in my coffee er- mind.

 

[jknightuk]

Welcome back... and thanks for updating us all.

Sorry to hear you are still feeling down/depressed. As for anti-depressants, I have to take those at the moment following all the hassle I've been through.

I would love to say they help, but... nope. They relax you, by all means but that's about it. Don't worry: not trying to make you worse!!

I really wish I could be there right now to help you through this... even tho I don't know you. It's just you seem to be goin through a similar situation to me. I know I said "Don't give up" before... I mean that. You have got to fight this depression head on, and don't let it take over your life.

By chatting on here, see it as a kind of release for your feelings. Don't hold back... and just type what you feel. Maybe, just maybe someone else (like myself) will be able to guide you through it. Even if just one or two people manage to help you: it's a start!

As for feeling lonely? I'm like it a lot. Sure, I live with my ex partner... but, I still have that echoing lonliness feeling inside me. I can't face being upstairs with him (although we are good friends now) so I stay downstairs. But I do miss the comfort that a relationship can bring.

All the best, and I hope things calm down for you real soon

 

[Kabluey]

Long story short. The past week I am/was talking to a guy across country. It's fun, we have a lot in common. We were attracted to eachother and we got really close. So that was great, any mundane task or anything was easy, simple, cause I was happy, ya know? I had him to talk to and everything was awesome. So we got closer, then too close if you know what I'm saying.

Sounds promising on at least one front - once you open up with someone, they find you attractive, likeable, maybe even lovable.
Distance is an issue with this guy, and that's tough. That doesn't mean that someone closer to home won't fall for your charms too though

 

[JohnstonKommer]

People around here suck, and not in fun ways. I've tried and I've gotten out there a few times. I'm on every dating site on earth. I met that guy right here on JUB. [Gay] Guys locally are just...ugh. They're either super weird, and by weird I mean new age crazy hair colors, think they're some alternative type of human being because they're gay and "open minded". Ugh Please, yuck. Either that, or they're completely superficial. Everyone has preferences, yeah, but being bitchy about it is so unattractive. I dunno. Guys around here are kinda...dumb. (from the sample I've seen online).

 

[TheOscar]

Hey JK!

I'm in a similar position, too. I envy those with someone else or I sometimes just wish I had someone and not for sex (haha), but to have someone to be there with you and for you. That's how it is sometimes, though. And I'm not saying that this is something you should just live with or something that's permanent; it's not that at all! But sometimes you get into these points of your life that are less, umm, favorable.

Life is like a wheel of fortune and you are on the wheel. Sometimes the wheel is down below in the unlucky, depressed, sucky zone, but don't forget that it's a wheel and thus it's always spinning. Soon you'll be on the top and happy and enjoying life. I hope that made sense. XD That's just how it goes sometimes.....

But be that as it may, other posters have suggested positive things. Volunteer work, I say, is what you should do. Find some place close by that you can volunteer at. That should get your mind off of things and maybe meet someone or at least make a friend or two, hopefully.

You aren't in school right now? Perhaps maybe you could go to college next semester, if you can do that or want to?


I am currently trying to get more involved on campus and want to start some volunteer work (but I have been rather lazy in applying to this nearby clinic....) to help me out. But I have the same feelings you do, too.

And maybe sometimes time is the best cure. >.> You can meet someone at any time!

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Oscar...I love you. ^-^

I would love to volunteer, and college, damn, sounds awesome. I've got to find something though. I need to start saving money, but I need pay. Volunteering is great and I enjoy it, I just don't know where nearby I can help.

Yeah I've been whipped around by so many people it feels like. Time to have a backbone. Not sure it will make me happier though.

 

[MoltenRock III]

People around here suck, and not in fun ways. I've tried and I've gotten out there a few times. I'm on every dating site on earth. I met that guy right here on JUB. [Gay] Guys locally are just...ugh. They're either super weird, and by weird I mean new age crazy hair colors, think they're some alternative type of human being because they're gay and "open minded". Ugh Please, yuck. Either that, or they're completely superficial. Everyone has preferences, yeah, but being bitchy about it is so unattractive. I dunno. Guys around here are kinda...dumb. (from the sample I've seen online).

If I had a $1 every time I have heard that stated, I'd be the wealthiest bum ever. I've heard it said about virtually every city both big and small in the US. I've heard it said about dozens of cities around the world. The only thing I've noticed... is that is always said by a person who is lonely and unhappy with their lot in life. Why do you think that is?

Additionally, no outside thing is going to make you "happy", fulfilled, or content. That comes from within. Moving away to a dream city, getting the perfect boyfriend, sculpting a set of abs, landing an ideal job, or making a lot of money, may seem like an answer for "unhappy" people, but none of them will change the "unhappiness". "Happiness" comes from within.

 

[Rolyo85]

Personally, I'd make myself extremely happy if I could sculpt a set of abs... Just saying.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

If I had a $1 every time I have heard that stated, I'd be the wealthiest bum ever. I've heard it said about virtually every city both big and small in the US. I've heard it said about dozens of cities around the world. The only thing I've noticed... is that is always said by a person who is lonely and unhappy with their lot in life. Why do you think that is?

Additionally, no outside thing is going to make you "happy", fulfilled, or content. That comes from within. Moving away to a dream city, getting the perfect boyfriend, sculpting a set of abs, landing an ideal job, or making a lot of money, may seem like an answer for "unhappy" people, but none of them will change the "unhappiness". "Happiness" comes from within.

Well I'm not saying I'll be magically happy if I had a boyfriend. I'm not talking about happiness persay. Loneliness and that crave for companionship could be fulfilled by a boyfriend though. But I'm not going to get a boyfriend for the sake of a boyfriend. That's what I meant about all the guys locally. I've not met ONE that was halfway decent.

Personally, I'd make myself extremely happy if I could sculpt a set of abs... Just saying.

Yeah, me too. I think happiness comes from within on a level, but outside influences can effect your joy and happiness.

 

[Telstra]

Try to distinguish the difference between being alone and being lonely. Alone is something to relish because one is able to do or not do with no interference. Lonely is the craving for companionship and a feeling of isolation. BTW, walking a dog can be a guy magnet.

always good advice from you.
Sometimes in a crowd with a sea of people but you still feeling lonely.

To the OP, I feel there are so many things to do to replace the loneliness.