Looking for some advice on this situation

[tigerfan482]

Hey guys. This is a long post, but I'm currently in a situation that has me kind of down and confused and I am looking for some outside perspective and advice on it.

So I met this guy on Grindr, which is kind of abnormal for me since I'm more into relationships than hook ups. We talked for a couple of weeks before meeting. I was honestly expecting just a hook up, but this guy spent time talking with me, went out to dinner, etc. and it was really nice. So we start talking some more and I find out a little bit of his story. He was in a relationship for almost 4 years with this guy. They started having problems with sex (the other guy wouldn't do things the guy I met wanted to), so they started an open relationship. Well this didn't go over well with the other guy and he started seeing someone else 6 months before finally leaving the state with the guy he was seeing and breaking up with the guy I met.

Fast forward a year later, and I meet this guy who I think is great. His Grindr profile said he was looking for someone to give him a reason to delete the app. So I get this back story and find out that he has become friends with his ex on Facebook. They have conversations where his ex tells him he isn't happy with his current boyfriend and that he's cheating on him. The conversations seem to go back and forth between his ex hinting that he wants him back and not acting like he cares (i.e. not telling him he still loves him, saying he doesn't want to get back together, etc.) I got this all from the guy I'm interested in. The guy I'm interested in still seems to have feelings for his ex (understandable) and seems to be on the fence leaning to the side of wanting to get back together with him. Today I found out his ex has unblocked his phone number.

Now I really like this guy as he seems perfect and exactly what I'm looking for, minus the ex situation. I know that this is a lot of baggage and that I may very well get screwed in the end, but I really am developing feelings for this guy. He says he doesn't want to date right now, but he also talks to me constantly and we've hung out for the past 3 or 4 days in a row and have had a great time. I do get a lot of mixed signs from him though, such as he'll sometimes be on Grindr, Jack'd, A4A, etc. (red flag I know) while we're together driving somewhere or out doing something, but other times he'll seem completely engrossed in doing things with me and won't look at his phone for hours. It seems almost like he's interested, but is afraid to go any further because these feelings he has for his ex and his uncertainty of how that will pan out.

I know this seems like a pretty toxic situation, but I'm facing two problems. One, I've had situations in the past where I've backed off and taken things slow/cautiously and I've wound up losing the person I'm interested in. Second, I'm really, for lack of a better word, smitten with this guy right now because he is absolutely everything I am looking for in someone. I want to take it slow and see what happens, but I feel like I've already become emotionally invested much quicker than I wanted. I don't want to misread the situation and get myself in deeper and set myself up for more hurt, but I also don't want to completely abandon this and it turn out that things work out in my favor but I'm not there to take advantage. I've been in his situation before in wanting an ex back after a long term relationship, so I know both the pain he feels, the desire to get his ex back, and the experience of the getting back together not really working in many cases and breaking up again. I want to be there for him and hopefully be the one he comes to if it doesn't work out if he decides to get back together with him (which would require him moving 6 hours away), but at the same time, I don't want to put my life on hold for this.

This is just an emotionally draining situation and I'm having a hard time reading the various factors in this situation. I know that should be an indicator right there, but I just can't bring myself to give up on this with so much uncertainty and the level of interest I have in him.

Can anyone offer any insight, suggestions, advice, or even similar experience that may help me see things more clearly from an outside perspective? Anything anyone can offer is much appreciated and will be very helpful in seeing through my own very clouded judgment.

 

[vidarr]

Considering that you've already hung out with this guy and gotten to know him fairly well, if it were me I would expect him to stop using grindr and any other hookup sites.

The fact that he hasn't shows that he still wants to keep his options available.

I'd try backing away for a while and see if he notices.

Honestly though, I personally wouldn't have anything to do with a guy that is involved in his ex's life so much.

Huge red flag for me there.

 

[Georgiadude]

This has heartache and pain written all over it. If you're able to maintain a strict friendship with him that's fine but I don't think you're able to do that. He's still communicating with his ex and using apps. If he feels the same way about you that you feel about him He wouldn't be doing those things. You're setting yourself up to be hurt. I'd definitely pull back. That little voice is telling you something isn't right. Listen to it

Steven

 

[KaraBulut]

He says he doesn't want to date right now, but he also talks to me constantly and we've hung out for the past 3 or 4 days in a row and have had a great time. I do get a lot of mixed signs from him though, such as he'll sometimes be on Grindr, Jack'd, A4A, etc.

....I've had situations in the past where I've backed off and taken things slow/cautiously and I've wound up losing the person I'm interested in.

The difference here is that you don't have this person, so you can't really lose him.

You may have the wrong perspective overall. You're looking at this as if this guy is the catch and that you may do something by commission or omission that will cause you to miss out on a relationship. The way that you should be looking at it is that you are the catch and he's the one with all the baggage.

You won't be able to make him stop with the social apps, end the toxic ex situation or make a commitment to dating you. However, you can make it clear that you're not going to wait around for him to work out his problems. If he wants to take things to the next level, then he's got to stop looking backwards and he has to make some changes.

It's as simple as, , "This is what I want. If you aren't looking for the same thing and you aren't willing to make a commitment to me, then I'm not going to waste my time or your time here".

 

[indudela]

I was in a similar situation. I knew I should've run away. Being just friends with him was not an option because I got very much emotionally attached, and I pushed it by dating that guy. Even though when we were dating, he was constantly on A4A, Grinder, etc. At the end, he cheated on me by sleeping with his ex, and I ended getting hurt so badly. He went back with his ex. My advice: RUN AWAY from this toxic situation.

 

[palbert]

This has "lose - lose" written all over it. Get him and be hurt; don't get him and be hurt. Run away.

 

[bruce379]

Listen to Kara bulut. He made the most sense.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, he told you he wasn't dating, so he's not dating you - you are dating an idea in your head. Stop imagining happily ever after and take a good real LOOK at the guy.

Obviously he's not "everything you wanted," or you wouldn't be having drama over him BEFORE he even agreed to date you, and since he's not dating you, he can do as he pleases and fuck who he wants. He's got no obligations to you. Personally, I'd go look for another guy.

 

[orton86]

I've been in this situation before.

I met a guy on Grindr, who had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. We were having a lot of fun. We were constantly texting throughout the day, and we would meet for dinner in the evenings. But I felt that he wasn't ready to pursue other people just yet. I could tell he was still thinking about his ex.

I gave him some space for a week or so and guess what? Later on Facebook, he went back to his boyfriend and made it FACEBOOK OFFICIAL.

Your situation: it sounds like he is missing him. He's holding out hope that they will get back together.

Do what I did and give him some space. He'll make the decision sooner than later.

 

[Seasoned]

I wouldn't define any if this as toxic as things stand right now. Why don't you take your cue from him and do what he's doing, keep looking, hooking up, dating while staying in touch with him?