Losing Something Good

[PlayingwithChance]

I'm not one for lengthy posts, so I'll keep it short and simple.

I was in a relationship, my first one, for 4.5 years. This guy was great, loved me for who I was, and we were very close - I still think he's probably my soulmate in the sense that I will never find anyone with the level of... emotional comfort we had with each other.

I broke up with him. Why? First off, distance. I'm away from him for almost a year, VERY far away. Second, I was not ready to commit to something for the rest of my life. I didn't have the emotional or sexual maturity in order to stay faithful. I need to know what else is out there, what love, sex and relationships are about beyond what I experienced.

I was hoping to get it out of my system, to "go around the block" and eventually be ready to be the committed, loving boyfriend that I want to be for him.

But now he's dating another guy, and it has surprisingly hit me hard. I want him to be happy, and so I will not interfere or dangle my feelings in front of him. I just feel... sad that I could not "fix" myself sooner, that I could not sort out my heart and my head in time to be ready to give us a second chance.

Has anyone been through this before? I know I've lost something amazing - the kind of relationship people could spend their entire lives looking for, I found on the very first try. But too early is just as bad as too late, and my inexperience interfered.

Sigh.

I guess I'm just looking for words of wisdom here, because there's not much I can do. I'm going down a path of exploration, having hookups and all sorts of new experiences that time after time only provide temporary relief. But I have gone down the road, and I need to keep going until it leads me somewhere... I was hoping back to the love of my life, but it's starting to look like it leads off a cliff.

 

[8tomtoms8]

It is my belief that we end up with who we are meant to end up with. He may have been a great guy but you weren't ready for a committed relationship yet. That doesn't make you bad or stupid, it just wasn't your time to be with him. If he felt the same way you did and do, then I think you two will get together again. You had to do what you have done as far as hookups to get it out of your system. Maybe he needed to do the same thing. I think I would talk to him about it and see how he feels. He may miss you as much as you miss him. You really have nothing to lose at this point do you???

 

[KaraBulut]

I guess I'm just looking for words of wisdom here, because there's not much I can do. I'm going down a path of exploration, having hookups and all sorts of new experiences that time after time only provide temporary relief.

Well, are your hookups and new experiences going to make you a better person? Are they going to make you more mature? Are they going to make you monogamous?

If you want to explore and find yourself- there's nothing wrong with that.

But there's no long-term plan here to be a person who can be in an adult relationship- only a short term plan to indulge yourself.

There's an element of jealousy here but it's not all about the ex's new boyfriend. Some of it is about your ex's ability to find something that deep down you probably want, too.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You know, we want to be like everyone else. But for thousands of years, billions of heterosexual couples have married their first love and stayed monogamous their whole lives. So why couldn't you?

What do you mean emotional and sexual immaturity? You gave up a life partnership because you couldn't stand the fact that his penis was the only penis you'd ever get to enjoy. Well now he's moved on and you're lonely. Happy, now? Have your hook-ups since then matured you? It is selfish to break a man's heart to go have sex with other guys and then want to come back after you've had your "fill." I hope the love of your life finds himself a man who will truly appreciate and love him for who he is.

 

[jimm04]

lost and found...

 

[momp57]

I had an ex that did this to me after 5 years. He just had to break it off though he couldn't verbalize exactly why. He got jealous when it appeared I was on the mend, when I dated, and when(with the help of anti-depressants) I lost weight. Even his parents made clear to him that he was making a mistake. After he had his time to "go around the block" he came back to me and begged my forgiveness. He recounted how he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and that there would never be anyone for him like me. And I, though it was the hardest decision I'd ever made at that time, told him that I would never be able to trust him again when he said "forever" and that I'd take my chances elsewhere. He still regrets leaving and has been in a codependent on-again, off-again relationship for a while and I found my happily-ever-after almost ten years ago.

 

[rickm28inil]

You know, we want to be like everyone else. But for thousands of years, billions of heterosexual couples have married their first love and stayed monogamous their whole lives. So why couldn't you?

What do you mean emotional and sexual immaturity? You gave up a life partnership because you couldn't stand the fact that his penis was the only penis you'd ever get to enjoy. Well now he's moved on and you're lonely. Happy, now? Have your hook-ups since then matured you? It is selfish to break a man's heart to go have sex with other guys and then want to come back after you've had your "fill." I hope the love of your life finds himself a man who will truly appreciate and love him for who he is.

A bit harsh, but being the one who was hurt by his first love for the same reasons you give Playingwithchance, I have to agree with Just_Believe18. My ex realized his mistake and I had already moved on and was dating someone else. He talked to me and told me that I was the only one for him and what a mistake he'd made. I appreciated that, but I pursued a LTR with the new guy I was dating.

My advice would be to talk to your ex about your feelings. He may feel as I did and tell you so, or he might feel the same as you. There is no sense in keeping your feelings bottled up. And, regardless of the outcome, you have hopefully learned something about yourself.

 

[G-Lexington]

It's good that you're aware that you screwed up by pulling out of the relationship. But as you know, he is/was under no obligation to put his sexlife on hold while you sowed your wild oats. He moved on. Good for him. And now it's your turn.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Hmmm. A lot of harshness in this thread. People have been burned.

I guess it comes down to your phrase "sexual and emotional maturity".

Are your "new experiences" helping with that? I believe they can be. If there are things you want to try but your bf didn't want to, that's valid. Have you actually gone out and done them, though, or are your hookups the same-old same-old?

Also, have you dated other guys in order to expand your "emotional maturity"? If not, have you really done what you set out to do, or are you just wanting more sex?

Think hard about these questions.

 

[PlayingwithChance]

I suppose I should add a little bit more background.

I met my ex when we were both 16. We were in a relationship for 4.5 years. He was my first everything - my first kiss, my first relationship, my first time.

As for dating other guys and experiencing new things... well, it's only been about 3 months. I've had a few new experiences, some good, some bad, but thus far have not found what I'm looking for.

The thing is, I don't even KNOW what I'm looking for. I'm 20 years old, and so lost. I had a great relationship with my ex - we were best of friends, and still are. But, as with all long term relationships, the passion subsides, and then the hormones kick in. And so does the curiosity, being that he was my first EVERYTHING. I stayed completely loyal to him despite my unbearable urges - I suffered through them for years because I love him so much and would never hurt him like that.

It just came to a point where, having moved away for work for an extended period of time, the waning passion finally gave way due to the distance, and I lost myself - and I'm still searching for whatever it is that I need.

I know a lot of you think I am garbage, that I am selfish, etc. But I have feelings, needs, and fears too. I supported my ex through the break-up, calling him almost everyday, and I even called his mom to make sure she could keep an eye on him so he wouldn't do anything drastic. It doesn't justify the fact that yes, I hurt him, but I was literally still a kid when I met him - "forever and ever" was a fantasy phrase you threw around too easily, especially if it was your first romance. Little did I know what "forever and ever" entails, and the level of commitment and maturity it requires.

The reason I will not tell him how I feel is because he is now dating this guy. This guy seems like a keeper, and I want that for him. If he can find someone who will love him for who he is, someone who is ready and mature, then I want that for him, because I genuinely do love him - he is my soulmate, and means the world to me, and if it means letting go of him so he can be happy while I potentially lose the one person I was meant to be with... well, I'll just have to live with that. I want him to be happy, I just wish it could have been us, someday, somehow, when I finish sorting myself out.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ That sounds a lot better. I understand your feelings because I felt them too in my first relationship. It's just a shame you gave up something so good. After all, he still wanted to be in it, right?

If it was really that bad, did you guys talk about opening the relationship?

 

[drhladnjak]

First, you're not a horrible person. You didn't fuck around while still dating him. You didn't lead him on.

I don't think you should even necessarily feel like you made a huge mistake. You broke things off because they weren't working for you at that time. You made that decision with the information and feelings you had at the time you made it. Looking back now, you don't feel the same way but it's not like you could have predicted the future. Also remember that you're comparing how things used to be with how things are now. As much as you're unhappy and unsatisfied now, it sounds like you were still somewhat unhappy and unsatisfied before. That things now are worse than before does not mean things can't be still better than both now and before sometime in the future.

As others have said, you need to move on. What's done is done and your relationship with one another has changed in ways that cannot be undone. Turn this into a learning experience. Time will heal this wound, but you've got to be able to move on.