Lost and Lonely

[BBhalo]

Where to start. This may be long. Sorry if it didn't make sense, I am not the best writer. My head gets ahead of my hands sometimes.

I know most will just over looks this and not care but I feel this is my best first step in a possible mental recovery.

I am a 32 yr old living in the midwest. I came out to my family when I was 25. But here is the thing, I have never had a sexual relationship with a guy before (or any relationship for that matter). I just know what I am attracted to and just knew that it was never going to be a woman. I don't know if that really makes sense but maybe that is just part of my confusion. I don't really have very many friends (probably 2 total) and I have no gay friends. Over the past few years I am coming more and more comfortable with my sexuality but I have never taken the steps to seek a partner or relationship. I am not hiding it when people ask but I don't come out and just tell everyone.

This year has be a huge stressor for me. I received 2 promotions within the past 10 months with the company that I have been with the past 12 years. I was asked to move from the city that I had lived in for 11 years to a much smaller community about 3 hours away. This area is significantly more conservative but it is a college town so myself and my siblings thought it would be okay. It was an opportunity that I had to take a chance on. But leaving the city where 3 of my 4 siblings live and my 2 only friends has been way harder than I had thought. The only thing I have is my best bud, my dog. (I know sad)

Sorry I will get to the point. I need to know if I can actually find someone. I know what I am attracted to but don't think that this type of man would ever give me the time of day. In my loneliness, I have been engrossed in stories on nifty and I sometimes feel sick to my stomach that I will never be able to experience an ounce of these love stories (I know they are fictional but one can wish). I long to cuddle with a big strong man that will take care of me.

Being a 32 yr old virgin, I am not the most attractive person. Slightly overweight and just overall not someone that is desirable. My biggest problem is that I have no self confidence (zero in social situations). Even though I talk to strangers every day at my work, I still don't feel comfortable in social settings. I struggle with being rejected and usually just keep to things that I know I can succeed at. And approaching a man that I find attractive would not be one of them. I don't have a lot to offer anyone, I am not rich, not attractive and not very successful.

So my question is, what do I do? Do I move back to area that I know better? Do I just give everything up and start over somewhere completely different? Would a man ever consider starting a relationship with a 32 yr old virgin that is maybe a 4 on a good day? I want a relationship, I want love but how, why....

If you have read this far, thank you. Just getting this out into the world in a safe place will be a lift off my shoulders even if no one responds.

 

[Cormac135]

Are you in the new town yet ?

If so give it a go, join a gym and lose that little bit of weight and maybe you'll find someone there or indeed in the new town, the old place seems safe but safe isn't working for you when it comes to finding partners, strike out and give it a go.

 

[KaraBulut]

The first question that you should ask yourself is, "Are you the person that you would want to date?".

If you answered "No", then it's time to make some changes.

A reality check: having a relationship isn't going to fix your problems. In some ways, a relationship is like another job- it brings good things to your life but it also comes with a lot of work. Probably you're going to find that if you fix some of the problems in your life, a relationship is going to be easier to find and, more importantly, easier to keep.

There's some piece of this story that is missing. You've said you have few friends- why? You've said that you're slightly overweight- why? You've said you don't have much of a social life- why? You said that you don't have much self-confidence - why?

And more important: Once you answer "Why?", what are you doing to change it?

 

[SeaCore]

Hoo—! This is... Quite familiar. I can... Definitely relate.
It's time to be a bit vulnerable. The both of us.

I'm basically 27 and... I asked a guy out for the first time ever a few weeks ago. And since the moment I decided to take that plunge a lot changed in an instant. Like an epiphany. Really, it changed a little before that.
So. I've had a lot of crushes on a lot of guys before now and a few girls. But this guy... Was the first time I ever felt like I would regret it if I didn't at least try and fail at having the chance to go out with them instead of letting the chance pass by.

Much like you, I really don't have much experience with failing. I've put so much pressure on myself not to fail that I never really learned how to cope with failing. And I realized that I had been playing life on easy mode, at least to a degree, by intentionally staying in a place where I couldn't fail. And I was doing a disservice to myself by not letting me have the space to make mistakes that I am willing to give to others. And that we should be given.

Part of what helped me-is, and I already know someone that thinks I'm wrong on this, is that I imagined and accepted the possibility that I would be rejected and made peace with that. I imagined me successfully handling rejection. And I decided that I don't have to take failing so personally. Because it's not. It is not a reflection of either of us if we're not good at something we have no experience with. And people are complicated. Just because I was rejected it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me or that I'm broken. I just wasn't the person for them; who knows what they're looking for and what they're prioritizing and why. And I know I have good traits about me. And so do you. You sought out help dealing with your feelings. That's admirable. You were honest, that's admirable. You've been promoted twice, there was demonstrably something about you the company found admirable. And other people will too.

But we need to be willing to be vulnerable, if we don't clash, we don't change. We need to be willing to take chances, get messy, and make mistakes. I discovered that it wasn't that bad. I was rejected. And the strange thing is. I'm happy. When I think back to that moment. It makes me happy. I think partly because I'm proud of myself for getting out my way.

I think Karabulut is also right. And maybe they don't want me to say this, but I'm gonna. Karabulut is asking those question so that you can find acceptance within yourself. Consider this. Are the things you're insecure about flaws? I'm a little out of shape but it doesn't bother me. I don't think it should. I can do the things I want my body to do. How it looks is not a big deal to me. And how it looks to others isn't a big deal either. Maybe I'll lose some guy's interest. That's fine. I want someone that is willing to accept me for me. And I'm not a fitness buff.

This is plenty long and loosely structured. I wish it was to convey everything that I want to. But—
You aren't alone and you aren't broken.

I have a few things I'll share with you through PM if you're interested.

 

[BBhalo]

Thank you all for responding.

SeaCore you peg me very accurately. I am extremely fearful of failure. Even though I have many flaws, I have always had high standards. When I don't meet these standards I attack myself and shut down. I know I have to treat myself like I treat others in my life but I don't, and it is a lot easier said than done.

KaraBulut, "I am not someone that I would want to date". I understand that is a problem and I HAVE to change. Not to go to far into the psychiatrist realm, many of my insecurities have come from my childhood. I grew up in a highly successful family. I am the youngest of 5 and all my 4 siblings have always been the best and successful their entire lives. I was always in their shadow and could never meet the standards they set.

I have been in my new town for about 5 months and have been very busy with work. I know I need to find a balance and have trying to find the courage to join a local gym but instead have settled for just using my apartment facilities. But I need to get out, I get that and I will. I have to make non-negotiable options with myself. I have to give things ago and move forward instead in one place. But its very scary, cause what if in the end all the mattes is that I am inexperienced in so many areas.

Thanks again for taking the time out of your day to respond. It means a lot.

 

[72-Jay]

I can't really give any helpful advice, but I can relate to parts of this as well. I've also never been in a relationship with anyone (guy or girl), and have few friends.
Though there's differences too.. I'm not out (but not 100% closeted either), I don't try seek a relationship or anything (don't even know how to go about such things .lol. nor do I believe I'm capable of it), and if anything I feel I truly am better off single (even as nice as the daydream of having someone to love/cuddle/etc with is)
I'll also note that I'm also more than a decade older than you...and while I am 'single', I don't consider myself 'lonely'

 

[KaraBulut]

...I understand that is a problem and I HAVE to change. Not to go to far into the psychiatrist realm, many of my insecurities have come from my childhood.

Perhaps that is the cause but really, it's the symptom that has to be dealt with. The social awkwardness is really going to be key and addressing that will address many other problems that are connected to it.

Starting with some individual therapy and then attending a support group would help- both to help you get some insight into your social interactions but it's also a safe place to talk about your feelings about feeling socially awkward in an environment where others can relate to your issues. It's may give you some ideas about how to meet people and how to work toward having a healthy social life.

I have been in my new town for about 5 months and have been very busy with work. I know I need to find a balance and have trying to find the courage to join a local gym but instead have settled for just using my apartment facilities. But I need to get out, I get that and I will.

Working out in your apartment is a good start. Moving on to a public gym is going to be helpful for you since it's a chance to just meet other people- in a gym, a lot of the same people are there day after day, so it's a chance to have casual interactions with people. Occasionally, you'll meet someone that you can hang out with outside of the gym- even if it's just a grab a shake or coffee after the gym.

You're on the right track in setting short-term goals. It's a new year, so it's a good time to set practical goals like, "I'm going to leave work on time at least 2 days a week and I'm going to use that time to go work out at the gym". Those small steps will not only make you feel better physically and mentally, it will also help you feel more confident about your body... which removes another obstacle that is hindering your social life.

 

[fonsoal01]

Hi mate. I've just been reading your post from a few months ago and thought I'd like to offer some words of support. If you're found a nice man, stop reading right here. I think there are a real lot of people out there who haven't yet been with anyone - I was 26 before I reluctantly slept with a woman and was probably 27 before I had sex with a man. It's worth considering that most people over a certain age carry some weight and to a lot of people it just doesn't matter - many guys only want to be with other guys who have similar body sizes because it makes them feel more comfortable. I'm fairly slimish but I much prefer a bit of weight to a really slim guy. I was really getting the anxiety that you were feeling over not having been with anyone - lots of guys get this even just being with someone new or after a long time not having sex, this is really normal and many guys would expect this or also be like this themselves. There isn't any right or wrong way to be with another guy - many guys don't go past blowjobs because they can't handle fucking. I am a little confused about your self-rating of 4, I'm guessing maybe you're thinking physical and you also seemed to rate yourself on if you had a lot of money (that's often a negative in my books). I'd love you to re-think if your a nice person - that's the number one thing to rate yourself on (looks only go so far).

 

[darian]

I can relate to much of what you have said. I didn't have sex with anyone until 37yo.

What I now understand after many years is that we need to love and accept ourselves, just as we are, as valid human beings worthy of attention (it's a form of self-esteem), before we can expect someone else to love us. Once we accept ourselves, then we can change ourselves based on what we want, not dance to someone elses tune.

It disturbs me that the answer is usually to go to a gym and become what we think someone else wants: that just entrenches superficiality. People are much more than simply their external appearance.