Lost, and slightly frustrated.

[Heisenburg]

I think it's best to begin with some facts about me before I start explaining my predicament. So, I'm a black 18 year old living in the UK and currently studying for a degree. My parents are strict Muslim and I have been brought up as such, but I'm not really religious (I'm a theist, but I'm pretty uncertain of my actual religious position right now). I'm also gay (I think so, but again I'm slightly unsure because I'm attracted to a fraction of women and I don't really get the urges for women that I get for guys), and this is primarily my 'problem'.

Before I get stick for saying my sexuality is a 'problem', I don't mean it in a general sense, I mean that it's causing a lot of circumstantial issues for me. Coming out to my parents and family is not something I want to do any time soon, in fact, I'm never going too. I love my parents and friends; I'm really close to my mother because she has literally given up everything to raise me, and I've known my friends for 14 years. The problem is they're all staunchly homophobic. I don't really blame them because they've been indoctrinated to believe that homosexuality is wrong, and they've not been put in a position to question these ideals(like I have). They've made it clear that they despise homosexuals, and I'm genuinely quite worried that if I ever came out I'd be disowned, thrown out of my house and lose my friends and family. I accepted this, and swore that I would never let my family find out, in fact, I'm pretty sure that I decided to be celibate (I'm a virgin btw).

At first, all was well and I was able to supress my feelings by having masturbating every so often, but recently it's become incredibly hard. Why? Well, as well as my parents being homophobic and all, they're are also really overprotective and controlling (not in a horrible way, haha she's actually really nice, but she's just been brought up with this of style of parenting and beliefs). Again, I can understand that coming and settling in a new country, with no relatives and all is difficult, and that as a defensive mechanism they've sort of hid us (me and my brother) away (I'm exaggerating, but yeah my mum constantly questions where I've been if I come home past 7 or 8 on a week day, so you can imagine ). As a result, I'm pretty socially awkward and really struggle to make new friends. I don't want to be timid and anxious anymore though; I'm young, and I feel like I'm wasting my life sitting at home all day whilst others my age are having fun (I mean the only thing I do is go to the cinemas and it gets repetitive after a while). So, I've decided that I want to take risks more often and sort of live a little; with that though I've of become really horny recently and consequently, a frequent on apps like Grindr.

Saving my virginity for someone who I really like was important to me - I mean it kind of still is but it's completely overwhelmed by my sexual frustration and I honestly forget about it completely when I'm on Grindr and the like. I never actually thought people would be interested in me, and so it didn't bother me to shut those emotions off. But suprisingly, guys are interested and it's making me excited, and hopeful (even though they just want sex, I can't help feeling that it's a step in the right direction? ) In particular, there is this guy who wants to hook up and I really have no excuses not too (and I kind of want too) because I'm available when he is, and he lives quite far from where I do (less chance of getting caught), but I'm incredibly nervous- perhaps even scared. Not about the sex itself, but about putting myself out there. I'm terrified if someone I know sees me, and then tells my family or friends about it. I feel like every issue I've dismissed and neglected is coming to a crossroads, and I have to decide what to do, but I can't. I have no idea what to do in all honesty. I realise that some of you might tell me to just go ahead and meet this guy, but I'm not sure you realise the enormity of the repercussions or my position.

This has already been a great outlet, but I was just hoping somebody can perhaps empathise and give me some good advice on what exactly I should do. I plan to move out as soon as I finish my degree and start working in a new city where I can do whatever the hell I want, without the fear of consequences, but until then I'm stuck.

Btw, I sort of missed out that my entire area is similar to my family and friends in that they're extremely conservative and hold these sort of views. My mother is also popular amongst the community, so, they all know her and more importantly, me (which is why I'm worried).

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Welome to JUB, Heisenburg.

Do you live with your parents? How long will your degree take?

 

[Heisenburg]

Welome to JUB, Heisenburg.

Do you live with your parents? How long will your degree take?

Thanks!

Yeah, I live with my parents. My degree is 3 years.

 

[easyman]

Welcome to JUB bud,

Religious based homophobia is really common. Like you said, its just the way they've been raised and what they've been taught to believe.

I feel for you mate, I really do.
I'm bi-sexual and I had a hard time coming to grips with it, as did my mum, whom I'm super close too. I don't think you should tell her yet.
At first I was going to suggest you move out, but I see that you've decided to do that when you graduate. what are you studying, how long do you have left in your course?

As for the guy on grindr....what do you know about him? Would you really want to travel a long distance just to have sex with a guy you don't know?

I'm not saying this is what you should do, but this is what I would do.
Your number 1 goal: Focus on my coursework and earn my degree. Talk to your parents about moving into a dorm perhaps while at uni, that way you might meet other gay guys and find a good connection with one. Try and find one really good friend who isn't the same religion as you, preferably a girl. You'll find lots of girl-friends. Trust me! Every gay guy needs a fag hag lol. this way you'll have someone to talk to about your feelings.
Once you earn your degree, get your own place and live your life the way you want.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Thanks!

Yeah, I live with my parents. My degree is 3 years.

Stupid unattentive me. You had written that already.

Your plan to move out after you finish the degree is excellent, however chatting with men or even arranging dates while you still live in your parents' house is the most risky route you can possibly take. "Funny" things will happen and you will have to make up stuff they might not believe.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Heisenburg,

Welcome to JUB and good that you have told all this to people over here. You are a smart and a clever guy and I can understand very well that your mother / family is very protective towards you (and she wants to know all you are doing). On the other hand, you are becoming an adult (you are 18), and that also means that your mother cannot go on with controlling large parts of your life. I tend to think that you should just tell this to her (you are not anymore a boy of 10 yo).

"I plan to move out as soon as I finish my degree and start working in a new city where I can do whatever the hell I want, without the fear of consequences" is the best option.

Often / quite often / always people like your parents / family are brainwashed, meaning that they are unable to change their ideas about gay people. This also means that they will never understand you, whatever you are saying to them. That is just how it is with relifundi's (= religious people who think in dogma's).

So when this is the case, and its often the case for fundamental muslims, you only have one option. Leave them, don't let them interfere too much in your world, and make your own plan (and you have already a plan).

Ofcourse, there is a possibility that your parents will accept you who you are.

Feel free to react and/or ask other questions.

Best wishes & take care.

By the way: be carefull with meeting other guys through Grindl when you don't feel comfortable about the guy. Please realize yourself that you have alot to offer, so there is no need at all to meet any guy who would like to meet you.

 

[Heisenburg]

Welcome to JUB bud,

Religious based homophobia is really common. Like you said, its just the way they've been raised and what they've been taught to believe.

I feel for you mate, I really do.
I'm bi-sexual and I had a hard time coming to grips with it, as did my mum, whom I'm super close too. I don't think you should tell her yet.
At first I was going to suggest you move out, but I see that you've decided to do that when you graduate. what are you studying, how long do you have left in your course?

As for the guy on grindr....what do you know about him? Would you really want to travel a long distance just to have sex with a guy you don't know?

I'm not saying this is what you should do, but this is what I would do.
Your number 1 goal: Focus on my coursework and earn my degree. Talk to your parents about moving into a dorm perhaps while at uni, that way you might meet other gay guys and find a good connection with one. Try and find one really good friend who isn't the same religion as you, preferably a girl. You'll find lots of girl-friends. Trust me! Every gay guy needs a fag hag lol. this way you'll have someone to talk to about your feelings.
Once you earn your degree, get your own place and live your life the way you want.

Thanks for replying so quick man, I appreciate it

I'm studying Biology, but I'm only in my first year.

As for the guy on grindr, I really know nothing about him. I mean I'd rather lose it to someone who I genuinely care about, but yeah I'm really sexually frustrated so I feel like I'm ready to just lose it and get on with my life, but at the same time I don't want to regret it.

As for my degree, yeah I'm trying to focus on it, but even that's getting me down. I haven't made any friends at uni, so yeah it's really depressing too haha. My course is also not what I was expecting and apart from a few bits and bobs, I'm not particularly enjoying university academically. The first week was pretty hectic for me, and because I don't live in halls or go clubbing I didn't really have much to talk to anyone about, like for example, I'd ask if they watched the latest episode of the walking dead, and I'll just get blank stares followed by "so yeah I went to this club and blah blah blah". I have nothing against those who club and all, in fact I'm kinda jealous they get to partayyyyy and I'm stuck at home all depressed lol, but it gets to a point where you just want to smash your head through the wall because they don't talk about anything else. Hopefully though, it'll sort of die down or I'll meet people I connect with. Haha yeah I doubt girls will know I'm gay. So far though, I've messed up every oppurtunity to talk to a girl, gaah, it's so intimidating even though I don't bat for that side.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB and congrats on your first support post.

You're in a spot where a lot of guys in different cultures find themselves- gay, the people around them opposed to homosexuality and not in a position to make a change to have more freedom to be openly gay.

What we always say to anyone in your position is to do whatever it takes to get an education. It will be your ticket out of the situation. As long as your parents provide a good home and there's not an abusive situation, then focus on school and putting away some cash for the future.

Sadly, until you become financially independent, you may find yourself living two different lives- one with your family/old friends and another life with new more accepting friends. It is not an ideal situation but it is a situation that many people have to be in at some time in their life. That is one advantage to being in school- you can make new friends and find people who can get to know the person you are today- not the boy that you were years ago when you made many of your current friends.

Once you have an education and a job, then you can make better decisions about how "out" you want to be.

As for your friends who make homophobic comments... it's never acceptable to be silent. All it takes is one person to say, "Hating isn't cool" to change the way people behave. You may not be able to change their attitude or their religious beliefs about homosexuality but you can change the words they use and the way that they treat gay people by speaking up... just as you should speak up again anyone who is a bigot, misogynist or who doesn't treat others with respect.