Lots on my mind

[SDR117]

Welp, I'm nto new to the site, but I'm new to the forums as can be assumed by my post count (for the time being. I talk a lot, so it's bound to rise quickly.)

Anyway, I've got so much on my mind.
Like... ton's.

And I've discovered over my 18 years that guys often times make better listeners than girls for the sheer fact that guys understand guys better than girls do. We feel the same way lots of times and have most times "been there - done that". So, I figure I can turn to those who are probably best able to help. You guys!

Okay, first... what am I?! I know that I'm not gay, though I totally respect and accept those who are. However, I don't know if I'm bi or of this is just a serious case of being curious. I've never slept with either gender, and honestly haven't been a relationship that's lasted longer than about a week. That's rather sad considering I've been around since the Soviet Union was still around. ('91). Which beings me to my next point. I want to know what it is to be in a relationship. With someone! To have that one person who can lay with you on the couch and play with your hair while the pair of you watch a movie or a ball game or something. To have someone to kiss goodbye before I leave in the morning and to welcome me home of the evening, or vice versa. To have someone to eventually tell me they love me, mean it, and not be a family member.
I know that all may seem a little strong coming from an 18 year old, but I've always been mature for my age, and I'm mistaken for 20-some all the time. Though I don't think I look it.

Anyway, I know that in time I'll discover who I truly am and that it's totally a "me" issue and no one can help me decide other than yours truly. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that in time, I'll be okay. My mind will clear up, and I'll be able to say with confidence what I am and what I am not.

I'm looking for friends who better understand me, because they're feeling the same or at one time did.

Any help/advice/guidance is well accepted and appreciated. Hell... it's even desired. So, bring it on!

PM me any time, add me to any of the messengers that I use, reply to this post... whichever.

Thanks in advance.

Yours,
-sdr.

 

[StlKj]

Welcome to the boards! You should know that you're not unusual in the things that you want from a relationship, but it's probably healthy to realize that the majority of people your age don't find that kind of relationship fresh out of the gate. Don't worry so much about labels for now--why not just start seeking out people to date? Are there guys and girls you are attracted to locally? Is there opportunity to explore what you like where you live? If so, find someone you're attracted to, do some flirting, ask them out and see how it goes. Your best bet is just to put yourself out there and engage in a little trial and error.

 

[LaughingMan]

Experiment. That's pretty much all I got. If you've never slept with anyone, the only thing you have to go on is what you fantasize about.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to (the posting side of) JUB!

What you're looking for isn't unusual. And if you've read this section of the forum much, you can probably guess what I'm gonna post. But, just in case you haven't hung out here much, I'll post it anyway.

Relationships like the one you describe aren't found.
They're built.

To sum up, you meet someone, you click with them, they click with you, and you start building the relationship. You get to know each other, you open up more, you start shifting your lives around a little (compromise here and there) so you fit together well. And you keep working on getting to know each other, doing things for each other...and then you get to the point where you can sprawl over each other on the couch and talk about anything and nothing.

If you've had good friendships in the past, you'll see a similar pattern. You tend not to share your innermost thoughts with guys (or girls) you just met - you share them with people you've grown to know and love (platonically) and trust. It takes time to build to that point. You don't meet a guy and then decide not to be his friend after 24 hours because "I can't talk about my dreams with him". That stuff comes later. Once you're familiar with and comfortable with him.

So what do you do? Give it a try. Start getting to know people. Date. Don't be too quick to dismiss somebody because you don't feel ready to snuggle up in the blankets and talk about your future plans after date #1. Take it slow, get to know them. Feel free to take your time, although you might notice that, on average, guys will be wanting to take it to the bedroom quicker than girls.

Which brings up the million dollar question, and one which you haven't really addressed much. What gender do you date?

You say you know you're not gay, but you don't go into any detail on WHY you don't think you're gay. Maybe it's because girl parts turn you on, in which case, cool - you're straight or bi. But the picture you drew of your ideal relationship could run one of two ways. Either you're looking for a really good friend you can share anything with, or you're looking for a boyfriend. And not to put too fine a point on this, but the main difference between the two is whether or not you have sex with him.

So let me ask the question. Let's say you have this guy. Picture him with you. And it's all that you say - you can hang out and lie on the couch up against each other, talking about anything at all.

Do you want to have sex with him? Assuming he does, too?

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, passing over the question of orientation - Lex pretty much covered that; I find that all of my relationships have been different. Depending on where I was in my life and development, my needs changed and the guys I chose had different attributes. The one thing that remained the same is that all my relationships required work and compromise.

I think we all do ourselves a huge disservice by modeling relationships on fairy tales. You get moments of the fairytale, and in a good relationship, you'll get a lot of moments like that, but you also get little habits that annoy you, times when you need space, times when he needs space, and all the rest of the things that are part of human nature. What I find is important, and enduring, is a solid friendship, a lot of compromise, and a lot of communication.

 

[Lube]

It's the Lex & Tex tag team again. Can't really improve on what they've said. Good advice.

(The other posters' advice was good, too, but it didn't rhyme. )

 

[SDR117]

Welcome to (the posting side of) JUB!

What you're looking for isn't unusual. And if you've read this section of the forum much, you can probably guess what I'm gonna post. But, just in case you haven't hung out here much, I'll post it anyway.

Relationships like the one you describe aren't found.
They're built.

To sum up, you meet someone, you click with them, they click with you, and you start building the relationship. You get to know each other, you open up more, you start shifting your lives around a little (compromise here and there) so you fit together well. And you keep working on getting to know each other, doing things for each other...and then you get to the point where you can sprawl over each other on the couch and talk about anything and nothing.

If you've had good friendships in the past, you'll see a similar pattern. You tend not to share your innermost thoughts with guys (or girls) you just met - you share them with people you've grown to know and love (platonically) and trust. It takes time to build to that point. You don't meet a guy and then decide not to be his friend after 24 hours because "I can't talk about my dreams with him". That stuff comes later. Once you're familiar with and comfortable with him.

So what do you do? Give it a try. Start getting to know people. Date. Don't be too quick to dismiss somebody because you don't feel ready to snuggle up in the blankets and talk about your future plans after date #1. Take it slow, get to know them. Feel free to take your time, although you might notice that, on average, guys will be wanting to take it to the bedroom quicker than girls.

Which brings up the million dollar question, and one which you haven't really addressed much. What gender do you date?

You say you know you're not gay, but you don't go into any detail on WHY you don't think you're gay. Maybe it's because girl parts turn you on, in which case, cool - you're straight or bi. But the picture you drew of your ideal relationship could run one of two ways. Either you're looking for a really good friend you can share anything with, or you're looking for a boyfriend. And not to put too fine a point on this, but the main difference between the two is whether or not you have sex with him.

So let me ask the question. Let's say you have this guy. Picture him with you. And it's all that you say - you can hang out and lie on the couch up against each other, talking about anything at all.

Do you want to have sex with him? Assuming he does, too?

Lex

You, my friend, need a talk show. "Dr. Lex".
Sounds nice.

Anywho, I guess I may have came on a little strong in my first post on the thread.
I don't want to fall in love, with either gender, overnight. I think it's foolish to think that such an event could happen, hence my non-beliveing in "love at first sight". But that's for another time.

I can't honestly say why I feel this way... because if I knew... I wouldn't have turned to you guys. There'd have been no need.

I am as equally attracted to men as I am to women. Physically, socially, emotionally, etc. Both genders, to me, are gorgeous (most times), they both keep me laughing and entertained, and I love the physical touch and closeness from both genders. I find myself with an even number of guy friends as compased to girls, and I find that each gender has the same opinion of me. I've always held the belief that gender doesn't matter as long as your feelings for the other person are true and sincere. If it's love it's love. At least that's my philosophy.

To answer your other question, if I find myself compatible with this guy, I've nown him for a while, we feel comfortable with each other, and both think that we are ready, able, and willing to move to the next level, then certainly, if we wanted to have sex, of course I would. Noted that the same applies to a female.

What gender do I date? I've dated several girls, but like I say, none lasting more than about a week or so. Because until now, I've never had a really clear idea of what I'm wanting and I've felt insecure about myself. Probably a bad idea to end things with her, because I didn't know what it could've blossomed into.

-sdr

 

[G-Lexington]

OK then. It looks like "bisexual" then, at least for now. (It may end up that you find yourself moving fully towards one way or the other eventually, or not.) So now you know what you need to do. Meet some straight girls and gay/bi guys, get to know them, ask them out. See what happens.

I should point out that at your age, the hormones tend to be a bit more...insistent. Don't be surprised or discouraged to find that most guys (and not a few girls) would rather not hold off on the sex. That's their call, and it's your call whether or not to accept that. If you'd rather date someone celibately until you get to know them better, that's YOUR call.

Lex

 

[SDR117]

OK then. It looks like "bisexual" then, at least for now. (It may end up that you find yourself moving fully towards one way or the other eventually, or not.) So now you know what you need to do. Meet some straight girls and gay/bi guys, get to know them, ask them out. See what happens.

I should point out that at your age, the hormones tend to be a bit more...insistent. Don't be surprised or discouraged to find that most guys (and not a few girls) would rather not hold off on the sex. That's their call, and it's your call whether or not to accept that. If you'd rather date someone celibately until you get to know them better, that's YOUR call.

Lex

That's what I had been thinking. I think tha each of us question our sexuality at least once during our lives, even if it's just for a matter of seconds. Some of us, like me, take weeks, months, or even years to figure it out. It's an on going journey for me.

I don't care either way really, as far as sex is concerned. If the person I'm with wants to go at it 4 times a day, fine by me. If not... we'll have to see.

-sdr

 

[rareboy]

Honestly.

Relax.

Breathe.

Stop building fortresses with words.

And trying to figure everything out.

Just live.