Lovers, friends, or neither?

[groosalugg5]

About three years ago I met a guy and we ended up messing around with each other. He was (and is) the only guy I've ever been with and the only people who know about my bisexuality are the people who know about it from my association with him (though he's in the closet too...he's dated people). We kinda discovered our sexuality together, but we were never official (though it has been brought up in the past). This year has been difficult because he has had two boyfriends.

To make a long story short he has cheated on both boyfriends with me multiple times. I consider him to be my best friend and would like to be more. He says that he's just having fun, dating other people. He hints that it'll be worth it if I stick around. To make it even more complicated his current boyfriend is always around. The boyfriend doesn't trust any of my friend's other male friends except for me (and I'm the one he's cheating with). They both ask me for relationship advise about dealing with each other and I hang out with them often. It's very awkward.

In a better world, I'd be able to move on to the next person but how do I do that? I'm not ready to come out and it's hard to meet people. In a perfect world I think I'd be with him, but things aren't working out like that. Because the boyfriend is always there it's hard to be either a friend or a lover to the guy. What should I do? I don't wanna be the "other person," but I wanna have some kind of a relationship with him and with the current situation I get to keep my friend and have the occasional benefits. Everytime I try to leave or slowly phase out the relationship he says or does something to bring me back in. The truth is that I really care about him.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm a bit confused how a guy can have a boyfriend AND a "guy on the side", but still be in the closet. How much juggling is this guy doing?

Anyway.

You're gonna have to sit down and decide precisely what it is you want, given the situation as it now stands. Because honestly, it doesn't look like the situation is going to be changing anytime soon. Why should it? He's in a perfect spot. He's got a boyfriend AND a friend who not only will have sex with him (knowing full well about the boyfriend), but keep quiet about it. And he knows he can string that friend along with vague promises of "making it worth it" somewhere down the line.

If I had to guess, I'd say your options are pretty limited. You can try to go back to being "just friends", but you appear awfully smitten with this guy, and he seems able to manipulate you into dropping your pants when that's what he wants. You can try to force him into choosing between his boyfriend and you, and making your relationship "real", but given his track record, is this a guy you'd want to have a relationship with? He obviously doesn't care about his boyfriend's feelings that much.

Or you could call an end to it and move on. Easiest to stay, hardest to do, probably best in the long run.

Lex

 

[SilverRRCloud]

About three years ago I met a guy and we ended up messing around with each other. He was (and is) the only guy I've ever been with and the only people who know about my bisexuality are the people who know about it from my association with him (though he's in the closet too...he's dated people). We kinda discovered our sexuality together, but we were never official (though it has been brought up in the past). This year has been difficult because he has had two boyfriends.

To make a long story short he has cheated on both boyfriends with me multiple times. I consider him to be my best friend and would like to be more. He says that he's just having fun, dating other people. He hints that it'll be worth it if I stick around. To make it even more complicated his current boyfriend is always around. The boyfriend doesn't trust any of my friend's other male friends except for me (and I'm the one he's cheating with). They both ask me for relationship advise about dealing with each other and I hang out with them often. It's very awkward.

In a better world, I'd be able to move on to the next person but how do I do that? I'm not ready to come out and it's hard to meet people. In a perfect world I think I'd be with him, but things aren't working out like that. Because the boyfriend is always there it's hard to be either a friend or a lover to the guy. What should I do? I don't wanna be the "other person," but I wanna have some kind of a relationship with him and with the current situation I get to keep my friend and have the occasional benefits. Everytime I try to leave or slowly phase out the relationship he says or does something to bring me back in. The truth is that I really care about him.

The truth may as well be that BOTH of you have discovered a very comfortable way of having your cake and eating it, too. Oh, sure, you care about him and somehow, in his own twisted way, I am sure, he cares about you, too.

For you, he is an ideal friend with benefits and no obligations, whatsoever. For him, you are a secured point of redundancy. If his present BF gets on his nerves, he still has a buddy to mess around with. And here and there, a little change on the side is welcome ever so often.

Actually, there is little to be said about your secretive menage a trois. If each and every one of you is comfortable with present arrangements, you'll carry on with the business as usual.

If not, you'll try to change the equation, won't you?

SC

 

[nihilis]

To make a long story short he has cheated on both boyfriends with me multiple times.

There's your answer. What's to stop him from cheating on you? If you're just in it for the sex and you have no moral qualms about being the other guy, then just enjoy yourself. I couldn't do it, but you're not me. If you're expecting anything more from him, especially commitment, then you need to really think about what you're doing, because chances are, it'll never happen and you're the one that'll end up fucked, and not in a good way.

 

[theFallenGod]

I hate to break this to you my friend.. but you need to ditch this fuck-up and quick.

It is obvious that you have deeper feelings for this guy than he has for you..

And he has no respect for you or his boyfriends....

He's stringing you along, telling you what you want to hear so that he will always have a willing fuck buddy conveniently around when he isn't getting sex from anywhere else.

Your best bet would be to find someone more compatible with you emotionally instead of being this asshole's sextool.

Seriously, if you have any respect for yourself, you will completely sever all ties with him and move on... he's using you and it's obvious that it is hurting you... and any time something is hurting you it's not good for you.

 

[groosalugg5]

Thanks for the feedback guys...really. Being in this relationship with him is painful. I've tried to move on in the past but I always end up back with him. It's not just sexual. I really do care about him and I feel on some level he cares about me. I do think that one day he may come around and see the potential in being in a relationship with me. I know that he comes off as an asshole in this story (and he sometimes can be), but he's a good guy at heart..just maybe a little selfish. One thing that does worry me though is that he may cheat on me if we were to get together. He's cheated in the past. I don't know if I could trust him. I do think that he may do better with me because we have history. On my end he's all I've ever known.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>On my end he's all I've ever known.

Then go out and get more experience. (He obviously won't care.) Once you have something to compare it to, you'll realize how pointless your current situation is.

Lex

 

[nihilis]

Being in this relationship with him is painful. I've tried to move on in the past but I always end up back with him. It's not just sexual. I really do care about him and I feel on some level he cares about me. I do think that one day he may come around and see the potential in being in a relationship with me. I know that he comes off as an asshole in this story (and he sometimes can be), but he's a good guy at heart..just maybe a little selfish. One thing that does worry me though is that he may cheat on me if we were to get together. He's cheated in the past. I don't know if I could trust him. I do think that he may do better with me because we have history. On my end he's all I've ever known.

Except for the sex, you just described one of my friends and I. He's mega-closeted, and I'm still closeted myself, but we spent the past year developing an increasingly intense relationship. It almost got sexual one night, and the next week he was on e-harmony looking for a girlfriend, which he now has. I feel the same way you do, I love him, I know he's a good guy, and I know deep down that what we shared was real, as opposed to the fake bullshit he's going through with the girl. Maybe someday he'll come back too, but I can't wait for that day and neither can you. Anyone who treats people like a backup plan is not boyfriend material, and not worth the time or effort. Get out now while you can, God knows I am. If he comes around someday, at least you'll (or we'll) be better equipped to deal with it. If not, then all the better.

 

[groosalugg5]

I feel the same way you do, I love him, I know he's a good guy, and I know deep down that what we shared was real, as opposed to the fake bullshit he's going through with the girl. Maybe someday he'll come back too, but I can't wait for that day and neither can you. Anyone who treats people like a backup plan is not boyfriend material

I think I may have needed to hear that. Our situations do sound similiar, and I don't want to just be the backup plan that it seems like I am. I am going to try to move on. If he comes around he does and if he doesn't he doesn't. As much as I'd like to say I'm going to leave him behind completely and find someone better...I can't. But I am going to try to get myself out of this situation and maybe I will be better equipped to handle the situation after I have some time apart. Thanks.

 

[nihilis]

think I may have needed to hear that. Our situations do sound similiar, and I don't want to just be the backup plan that it seems like I am. I am going to try to move on. If he comes around he does and if he doesn't he doesn't. As much as I'd like to say I'm going to leave him behind completely and find someone better...I can't. But I am going to try to get myself out of this situation and maybe I will be better equipped to handle the situation after I have some time apart. Thanks.

All we can do is our best. I'm still crying over this many nights. I'm pretty emotional by nature, but I haven't cried so much in one year as I have this last year. Eventually your body and your head just get tired of rehashing the same shit, and something has to give.

Am I going to completely ditch the guy? No, like you, probably not (at least not on purpose). I'm also not going to wait for him to come around either, and neither should you. No one said it was easy, and Christ knows I can tell you it's not. Just try making small changes, and eventually things will have changed enough that you're stronger, more confident, and better able to deal with the situation. I know we can do this, we're better than this, and we deserve all the best that we can have. Good luck kiddo.

 

[groosalugg5]

Well it all blew up in my face. Most of my situation is out in the open. I've been playing my role as "best friend" because I have to if I want to spend anytime with my best friend. It started to look as if the bf wasn't going anywhere. I talked to my friend and told him that it was difficult for me to hang around him and his bf and not be hurt by it. Something I said affected him because that night he told his bf that I was not just a friend, but more like an ex who still likes him. This has resulted in the boyfriend being upset with me (justifiably since I'm been smiling in his face all this time secretly wanting his man). Thing is, I wanted to tell the truth from the beginning. It wasn't my idea to lie about it all. Not only is the bf upset, but I haven't heard anything from my friend. I'm thinking that after hours of listening to "He (I) am the bad guy!" maybe he's started to take the side of his bf, which would leave me completely isolated since no one else even knows I'm gay. I have no one to talk to about this but you guys.

 

[G-Lexington]

These sound like guys you don't want or need in your life. Take some time to bitch, cry, throw a pillow around. Then decide what you need to do to move forward. Because move forward you must.

Lex

 

[groosalugg5]

So I finally spoke to my friend (and the bf who is always with him). Pretty much my friend took it upon himself to tell the truth about our relationship (while leaving out the part that he was cheating with me and only mentioning things from the past). The bf is upset and has called me all kinds of names, called me ugly, pretty much said "fuck you go kill yourself." According to him my friend talks bad about me behind my back. My friend says he doesn't talk bad about me and in regards to our friendship he says we're still friends but he needs to think about some things...in the meantime he is over there thinking things over with his live-in bf. He's obviously at least somewhat influenced. Right now I just want a face to face conversation alone with my friend so I can see where his mind is and what the hell is going on.

 

[nihilis]

Pretty much my friend took it upon himself to tell the truth about our relationship (while leaving out the part that he was cheating with me and only mentioning things from the past).

So he didn't tell the truth. He was still lying.

Right now I just want a face to face conversation alone with my friend so I can see where his mind is and what the hell is going on.

This guy sounds like he has a knack for putting people to sleep. Meeting him face to face isn't going to solve anything. The real truth is that he's all about himself. He doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets what he needs out of people. He may care about you but he's seriously fucked up and needs to figure out what really matters. You don't need to be there while he's doing so, you've got to separate yourself from this or you'll go insane.

 

[JackFTwist]

groosalugg5, am I an asshole for pointing out that your best friend has not been faithful, but then, neither have you?

That is not a judgment.

No one in this story seems to know what they want and as has been suggested, everyone has been getting something out of the behind the back stuff with others.

I don't think that more conversations will do anything but be more drama.

No one is ever going to trust anyone anymore and without trust it is all doomed to failure.

I suggest some time in counseling getting to the point when you can come out of the closet (which means living honestly with yourself and the world) and working through with a professional counselor all the issues that are going here. We can't do it. You need one on one time with a professional counselor.

Yours is not a new story which doesn't make it any less painful because it is in fact your story. What happens in your story is your doing what you need to do and I - as lovingly as possible - suggest it is time for consistent work with a counselor because you have a lot to resolve - and having that trained professional to work with and talk to will be the best you ever do.

 

[rareboy]

He sounds like poison.

Bury him with the rest of the toxic trash and move on.

 

[groosalugg5]

He actually called me yesterday and we talked for about 10-15 min (we were both on our lunch breaks). Again he denied my request for a face to face meeting saying "How would my boyfriend feel about me meeting up with a guy who likes me?" In the past he has always said that his loyalty was with me...that if it ever came down to it he's known me for years and the same can't be said about this new guy and this new (3 months?) relationship. He was wrong because somewhere along the way the relationship became serious and now he's 100% committed to him. He said he thinks it's better if we don't speak for a while while this all blows over. He says that he's still my friend and he's there if I ever really need him. I just feel really betrayed. I kept his secret for him (and because it benefitted me by allowing me to stay in the picture) and now that he's revealed (part of) it, they're cooler than ever but I lost my best friend and gained an enemy.

I never thought it would end like this...I never thought it would end. Just a week ago he said he could see us being friends for a long, long time. The boyfriend won this fight (as he proudly declared online) and I'm the loser in the situation. I just put on a brave face and go through life as usual, but deep inside I'm broken because things will never be the way they used to be (friendship-wise) and I'm all alone with my issues. If, in a couple of weeks my friend comes around, I don't know how I'd react. I know the friend-with-benefits part is over. If he ever came back we'd have to build our relationship all over again because it's pretty much gone now. He's been such a big part of my life that I hate to see it end like this and don't know how I'm gonna get over the way it all went down. I spend most of my days depressed (before this...depressed about other things). Add this to the pile and I'm devastated.

 

[KaraBulut]

If I understand the situation, you're a confused closeted bisexual seeing another confused closeted bisexual who is cheating on his boyfriend with you.

Honestly, if someone came to you with this scenario, would you have any question about whether this situation is going to work out for anyone? Is there really any question about what you need to do?

The problem here is that you are emotionally involved in a situation with someone who is a mess. And this sounds more like an addiction than a relationship or a friendship.

Stop focusing upon this situation that is only going to hurt you in the end. And stop wasting your life with dysfunctional people and dysfunctional situations. Honestly, there is a whole world of people out there that really would like to be with you- go find one.

 

[nihilis]

We're about three months apart in terms of dealing with similar situations. I got all the lines, all the declarations of love, and all that bullshit too. He told me we'd still stay close and he wouldn't forget me when he started dating. He's since used every opportunity he can to throw the girlfriend in my face and prove she's number one now, not me. I don't know if it's because he's mad at me for not resisting his homoerotic come-ons, or at himself for getting so close to and falling for a guy. We've danced around each other for a year, and I'm throwing in the towel.

It's going to hurt. It's going to change, and it's going to be hard. But it's also going to get better. You need to let yourself feel all the things inside of you: rage, pain, sadness, loss, fear, betrayal. Go eat a baby or throw a cupcake or drown your sorrows in goose feathers. Get it out of you. You have to, or you won't heal up.

One day you'll wake up and realize that you don't feel like crying anymore, or that you can think of him and realize that while you still love him in a certain way, you know you deserve better. Doors will open, life will move on, and you'll come out if this stronger and more well adjusted.

When that happens, inevitably he'll either come crawling back and you can consider whether you want to rebuild things (on your terms if he really loves you), or you'll be free of the situation forever and he'll still be stuck in the vortex of chaos, lies, and betrayal that he's trapped himself in. Either way, you win I promise.

It's a new year, and as cliche as it is, use the time to renew yourself, set some goals, and move forward. It's going to be a good year, but only if you believe it will.