Low self esteem after breakup ?

[chiaroscuro]

Hey guys... I'm looking for some advice as I don't feel I really have anyone to talk to about this. I spoke to friends and even family a bit about it at the time, but as far as they're concerned i'm over it.

I guess it's natural to feel really down on yourself after being dumped ? But how do you snap out of it.

Last year I was in a relationship which ended very messily. I don't even really want to go into great specifics.... but he ended up finishing with me without really explaining or talking about it. I guess he thought by being cool and distant I'd 'get it'. We had pre-booked a holiday and couldn't get it of it as we'd spent a lot of money..... I kinda hoped that seeing me again would smooth things over.... but on the contrary, it ended very badly. Without going into details, there was a fight and he ditched me totally.

I was actually really hurt. I really loved him..... I had no choice but to accept the situation but the problem is I've still not been able to shake the hurt. I've kind of internalised it i think... I took it very personally and I let it get me pretty down. When I was growing up my self esteem was a bit shit, I don't even know why. I always felt pretty inadequate and I often channeled it toward my body or looks..I was a bit of an ugly duckling or late bloomer. My confidence grew in my early 20s after I came out and started meeting guys and having some relationships. I even became confident in my looks back then because I would get a lot of compliments.

But since I came out of a long term relationship, the guys I have met....and the guys I have fallen for...have ended up leaving me feeling heartbroken and worthless. I know we're not responsible for how others treat us, and we can only do our best, but why has it shattered my self esteem so much ?

I don't feel I can trust guys anymore. My confidence is gone. I've started fixating on my appearance, focusing on this flaw or that flaw, and thinking I'm somehow not attractive enough. This is maybe just a focus for a feeling of not being good enough ? I know I'm fairly photogenic I don't have a problem getting attention from guys if I go onto social media or dating sites. But I've kind of convinced myself that maybe I'm ugly in person. I avoid going onto such sites and meeting guys now because I feel unattractive and kind of unlovable right now. It doesn't matter how many compliments I get.....I'm having a hard time imagining I'll ever find someone who loves me and doesn't just want to use me.

I'm sorry for the wallowing self pity....I just wondered if anyone else had felt similar? How did you pull yourself out of it?

Thanks.

 

[aaggii]

Meet new people. In real life, I mean. You can let them contact you via dating sites but try to actually meet them. This ¨I don´t trust anybody anymore etc etc¨, I think most of us do it after a broken relationship or great friendship and maybe as we age we learn to think about the posibility of things going any way but ours and this helps us stay a bit calmer when bad stuff happens. Low self-esteem is a problem and if you don´t manage to overcome it yourself, you might want to try some real help, like talking to a psychologist, for example. If you are a student or work, you might have the option to do it for free.

Instead of allowing yourself to think about all the negatives and insecurities in your life at the moment, keep yourself busy by doing what you like and (like I said) meeting new peeps. Not everybody is a bad person, even though sometimes it seems that way.

 

[BottmBoy]

I've been in the same position and what I can say is alwayss remain positive. You can't let anyone get to you babe. It's going to hurt really bad at the start but once time passes it'll heal the pain and you'll get right back where you started. For the time being try to find someone, something to keep your mind at ease. I meditate and love talking walks with my pup. Trough any break-ups you just can't let anyone get to you regardless of what happens It's a risk you take when you get into a relationship (which sux) but once you've gone trough all the hurt and the more you practice at finding peace within yourself, the more you'll be prepared. Focus on yourself, build your self esteem again, trust and self worth, life is to short to let some idiot destroy it~!And in time you'll find the right one.

 

[maxpowr9]

After my ex of 3 years, it took me a year to get back into dating when I was comfortable with myself. I was depressed for about a month but I eventually got out of that funk: mostly due to getting a new job. There is no set thing or way to get over someone as each circumstance is different.

 

[palbert]

I think self-esteem naturally craters after a breakup, and particularly where you have been the one rejected. Give yourself time; try to meet new people and make new friends; formulate a self-improvement plan, anything to show progress and build confidence, be it weight loss/gain, exercise, a hobby.

Best of luck.

Welcome to JUB!

 

[HunterM]

^ agree with the self-improvement plan. Forget about dating for a while. Focus on personal goals you would like to achieve, new hobbies to try, travel (by yourself or with friends and family) to places you want to see. Build up your confidence by achieving personal goals. Meet new people; make new friends. Keep your social life busy with friends and family.

If you are in a new relationship, think about what you are bringing to the table. What are you offering to your potential date in a relationship? Don't focus on looks alone. Focus on inner strengths and qualities...focus on substance as well.

Focus on making yourself independent and happy. Don't rely on others to make you happy. Once you're able to do that...then you exude confidence. Confidence attracts people toward you in business and in your personal life.

Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

Low self esteem is fairly common and can be quite harmful. You've been dealing with it for most of your life and seemed to have gotten better when you started getting guys' attention. That is the common trap. We think we've improved our self esteem, but, in fact, it came about from others, not ourself. True self esteem is not based on looks, it can't be because even "perfect" looks last usually no more than 20 or so years. Some would say less. Then what?

I believe self esteem begins as an inner kernel of truth and strength that grows based in a self understanding of our uniqueness and place in the world. The humbling insignificance of being one of billions takes on new meaning when realizing that no two of us are the same and for one reason or another we're all needed.

We do best in relationships when we enter them whole. If you allowed your relationship to define you or to complete you, you set yourself up for all kinds of trouble--lower self esteem, staying at all cost, etc.

You need to think that your potential partner is just as lucky to have found you as you are finding him.

Now, how do you get to that point? I'd start with a good self-help book on the topic of self esteem, preferably, one with a workbook of exercises. Therapy also can help.

It's said that one ought to regroup for a year after a break up. Use that time to heal and develop. I wish you the best.

It seems you were denied closure when he left you. If you'd like to chat in more detail please pm me.

 

[chiaroscuro]

Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it and I'm glad I wrote this actually. I think I just needed someone to tell me it's OK to feel like this ....and I really appreciate the advice.

I'm going to write down some of your comments actually. Last night I downloaded a couple of books on CBT and body image and self esteem. I'm halfway through the first and it's helped me understand how my thinking about this has been a big part of the problem.

I'm going to work on myself before I try to put myself out there again. If my self esteem had been more solid I probably wouldn't have felt so shit about myself afterward and started feeling unattractive and unwanted just because one guy, for whatever reason, decided it was over.

I've withdrawn a lot since then, so I will try and go out with friends more. The funny thing is I'm generally pretty well liked, and get on with people easily.....I think the problem was I didn't like myself enough. That goes back to childhood stuff I think. But I'm going to work through it.

Reading the body image book made me wonder if I have a mild form of body dysmorphia because I focus on things that other people tell me they don't even notice. Or maybe that's just a manifestation of low self esteem. I can't afford therapy, but the book is helping already I think.

Thank you again

 

[HunterM]

^ bravo!!!

Best wishes to you

 

[Seasoned]

^I'll second that!

 

[mirlox]

Reading the body image book made me wonder if I have a mild form of body dysmorphia because I focus on things that other people tell me they don't even notice. Or maybe that's just a manifestation of low self esteem. I can't afford therapy, but the book is helping already I think.

That is something quite interesting to read about; sometimes we are so insecure of ourselves that we try to find 'problems' to blame it on, we just don't want to accept that we are creating a fuzz for nothing at all. Take on how women care so much about cellulite and stretch marks and most men don't even know what the heck those are.

I myself have blamed my body hair for not thriving in relationships, but I know that it was my fault for not trying hard enough to get into one.

Good luck and congratulations on finding the right path!