Lube - Archived Blog Posts

[Lube]

I can't believe how much I'm reading here lately about guys savoring their 'virginity', whatever the hell that might be for a man.

Virginity is for fairy princesses who lose it only to their one true shining knight in armor on the white horse.

It has nothing to do with reality. Or men.

If you want romantic sex, fine. But don't confuse it with virginity.

Read my blog post about meeting guys. Go to where the right men are: the ones who share your interests.

Some guys like a good hard fuck, and some guys like romantic sex with candles, etc. Some guys like both. Just because you like romantic sex doesn't mean you have to save your 'virginity'. It just means you want a guy who isn't only interested in a hard, fast fuck.

Big difference.

 

[Lube]

NOTE: This blog entry is meant to be a splash of cold water on your face; it's not meant to be mean or insulting. Just trying to wake you people up, OK?

What's so silly about being closeted, is that we all think we're so clever and good at it.

But it's 2009, people, and friends and family (and even coworkers or fellow students) aren't dumb.

And the more you try to prove how hetero you are, the more embarrassing it is to everyone involved.

"I'm too busy working to have a girlfriend": fools no one.

"I'm too busy working at school to have a girlfriend": fools no one.

"I just haven't found the right girl yet": fools no one.

Not discussing your personal life at school or work just clues people in that you are gay (or a child molester or something).

For some reason, closeted guys think that because they don't look like Liberace means that people automatically think they're straight.

You closet cases are fooling no one.

Do you understand that?

More scientific evidence:
People are good at guessing.

 

[Lube]

Does your friend say he's straight, but you have doubts? Read one.

OK, let's get something straight: people don't generally change their sexual orientation, right? What people change is their self-perception or self-reporting of their sexual orientation.

Think about that.

Most people assume they're straight, because that's the societal norm. Just like most people assume they/you are right-handed until shown otherwise. It's no biggie; it's just common sense.

So everyone reports "straight" initially. No one thinks they're different (or at least most don't). Most people don't want to be different.

Anyway, there's so much negativity associated with homosexuality that most people would prefer to be straight (at least initially). We think our attractions to other men are deviant or temporary or "just wanting a nice body like his" (yeah, yeah, right!). It takes a while (sometimes years or decades) for us to accept the fact that we're gay.

I mean, did you realize you were gay the first time you masturbated? Probably not. It took you months or years to come to that conclusion.

Some people accept it much faster than others. (Me? I was a very slow learner!)

Some people never accept it and run to their religion to save them and become hyper-conservative/traditional. That's a risk. That's something that may happen to your friend.

Or, he may, over time, accept himself for what he is.

So the fact that, today, he says he's straight, doesn't mean much. In the long term.

Just be a positive role model as a gay/bi man.

 

[Lube]

If you've been in the closet for more than 5 years, or have lived a lie for many years like I have (married to a woman), or if you feel that your desires have suddenly changed in your 30's, then you have, well, a "history".

And to those people who you knew you as you went through this earlier "straight" period, you can't really come out subtlely and just suddenly talk about your dates being guys. I mean, you could, but I can see why these friends/family would be jolted by it.

In that case, coming out subtlely is mainly for new people you meet. New friends, new coworkers, and new family & in-laws.

So what do you do with the people who knew you when you were "straight"? Well, these people you do have to come out to point-blank by saying, "I'm gay".

But that's it. You don't need a party. There will be no fireworks going off. Just find a quiet time & place to say it, and just say it and move on. Don't feel like you have to explain it; don't feel like you have to tell them what position you like or when it started or anything like that. (Do they tell you what they do in bed? Of course not.)

Just state it like it's the new reality (it is!) and they have to accept it. Don't look for acceptance. <---- That's a very important point. And it's the reason why we recommend waiting to come out until you're comfortable (or fairly comfortable with yourself).

It's your life and you live it by your rules, not theirs. State it as undebatable fact.

For me and many others, coming out also means you have to accept the fact that you may lose some or all family or friends. You might not lose anyone, but you have to prepare yourself for the fact that you might.

 

[Lube]

Please, read this thread.

 

[Lube]

Many times on JUB, guys will ask about coming out. Specifically, who in the family needs to know? Sometimes we're OK telling parents, but wonder about grandparents. "Is grandma or dear aunt Sally too delicate a creature to tell?," we ask. Or "that generation can't handle it," we justify to ourselves.

Well, here's my experience (gleaned from a post of mine here on JUB):

Basically, when I came out to myself 3 years ago, I decided this closet shit was for the birds. I was never going to go back in the closet, nor hang around people who were perpetually there. You could say I became militant about it. But I was tired of lying to myself and everyone else. It accomplished nothing.

Anyway, fast-forward 2 years to when I met my bf. He seemed surprised by my semi-militancy but said he was out. Ha ha. Well, it turns out he had never actually said he was gay to anyone. Now, you can argue (as I, myself, have) that coming out doesn't mean screaming "I'm gay" and waving rainbow flags. However, when the point came up directly, he would lie.

My favorite example happened just a couple months ago. I went to visit him at work for lunch. He introduced me to a coworker. The coworker was like, "So, how do you guys know each other? Is [Lube] your... neighbor?". I laughed inside, but didn't say anything; it's his coworker, so my bf had to say something, I felt. He paused... and paused... and paused... and said, "yeah, he's my neighbor". I was stunned and laughing and incredulous all at the same time (all in my head--I didn't say a word).

After we got home we had a good laugh. Obviously, the coworker doesn't think we're neighbors, but my bf, it turns out, just can't physically say 'gay' or 'boyfriend' to other people. Generational? Perhaps. But it's something I can't abide.

But... rather than forcing him to say it (or breaking up), I gave him another option: What if I say it? Well, he has no problems with that. So that's the new plan.

It worked splendiforously recently when, over Christmas Eve dinner, I met his ex-wife's parents. Talk about a generation gap: they're about 90 years old. Now, surely his ex-wife (who I've met several times, and who seems to be a wonderful person) had told her parents about my bf and me. Well, when I met them, I just said, "Hi, I'm [Lube] and this is my mom [Sara]," at which point the ex-mother-in-law surprisingly asked, "Oh, and you are...?" as in, "Why are you here--what's your relationship--how do you know these people?".

Well, I hesitated a second and then thought, "Hey, man, I don't care how old these people are. They're not stupid. Surely they know what's going on. If she can ask a question like that, I'm entitled to answer it."

So, without skipping a beat, I said, "I'm [Ed's] boyfriend." With a smile and a handshake. Ha ha. I don't think she expected me to say that. She hesitated for a couple seconds, recovered, and then we had a splendid evening together!

Now, everyone might not have the same experience. These were very bright people who traveled a lot. They've been exposed to a lot, I'm sure. Sure, they're "older" and from a "different generation", but, hey, too fucking bad. Sorry, that's how I feel.

I'm not going to cower so that someone else doesn't have to feel uncomfortable. I did that too long in my life. I'm over it.

But I totally understand that everyone doesn't feel that way.

Whatever works for you.

 

[Lube]

I'm often accused of thinking that "everybody's gay". I get accused of "judging" whether someone is gay, and told that is bad. (As if being gay is bad. Who's judging here, me or them? Is it bad to try to discern if someone's left-handed? So why is it bad to try to discern if they're gay? Who's got issues here?)

But you know what? Life is not black and white. People are not always honest with themselves or others. In my opinion, you cannot successfully go through life believing what everybody tells you (look what happened to Europe in WW II).

I'm not just randomly picking some guys (or all guys) out as gay. Yes, it's a guess, but an educated guess. There are all sorts of situations in life (positive and negative) where you have to try to discern what reality is:

• Do you not wonder if your sister is pregnant with your first niece or nephew when you see her belly grow, even if she denies it?
• Do you not wonder if your parents are on the road to divorce if they constantly fight, even if they deny it?
• Do you not wonder if your bf is trying to figure out what you want for your birthday when he asks more questions than usual at your favorite store, even if he denies it?
• Do you not wonder if your bf is cheating on you if you find a used condom that isn't yours and wasn't used on you, even if he denies it?
• Do you not wonder if a new JUB member is bogus if his stories and escapades seem just too good to be true?

So then why is it bad to wonder if someone is gay if you notice gay things about him, even if he denies it?

If you believe everything people tell you without questioning it, you end being a broke client of Bernie Madoff, or an unhappy consumer of the latest gadget from Home Shopping Network.

Elucidating fact from fiction is a life skill that you would do well to acquire.


I've also been told I come across too strong.

I do come across strong. That's for two reasons. One, is the old "been there done that", and no one should go through what I (and millions like me) went through. Two, is that I see a lot of denial here at JUB. Even from out gay guys.

How can out gay guys be in denial, you ask? Oh, not about their own sexuality, but about others' sexuality.

Time and time again I'm surprised by posts from guys ("guys" meaning guys and gals) who apparently need incontrovertible, documented proof that someone is gay before they'll even consider it. (A literal 'gay card'?) As I posted above, that's a terrible way to live life, because you will be duped over and over again.

I'm just trying to present a little reality here. Reality is not what people tell you; and sometimes not even what you're trying to tell yourself.

Reality is independent of what you want it to be.

 

[Lube]

Here's a good one for every guy dealing with his homosexuality, thinking "I'm not like those other fags":

http://www.observer.com/2010/culture/bromosexuals

In the end, I'm gay, you're gay, just suck it up and deal with it. Dump the str8-acting act, 'cause that's all it is.

 

[Lube]

Just because the Kinsey scale / bell curve (normal distribution) explains a lot, it doesn't necessarily follow that every trait (e.g., sexuality) follows it.

There are the concepts of dimorphism/threshold traits, in which there are 2 or more distinct expressions of the trait, rather than a continuous, smooth bell curve:

http://www.nature.com/scitable/topicpage/Dimorphisms-and-Threshold-Traits-1140
http://www.uic.edu/classes/bms/bms655/lesson11.html

I'm not saying that this means there is only gay and straight; I'm simply saying that while it's easy to throw around the terms "bell curve" and "Kinsey", there are other potential explanations. Don't take it as a fait accompli.

 

[Lube]

OK, I'm tired of people accusing me of being inconsistent, wrong, or illogical when I say that typically or on average group X can have more or less of some feature than group Y, even if not every member of group X has more or less of that feature than group Y.

Let's use height as that feature, since we won't get into fights as to the definition of the feature (height): it's easily measurable. So let's get to specifics; here are some data points for 5 people from each group:

X1 = 10 feet tall
X2 = 9 feet tall
X3 = 8
X4 = 7
X5 = 6

Now, group Y:
Y1 = 9 feet tall
Y2 = 8 feet tall
Y3 = 7
Y4 =6
Y5=5

First, let's look at average height. X = 8. Y = 7. So on average, group Y is shorter than group X. Simple math.

How about a "typical" comparison? Well, if you compare them in order (sorted by height), every member of group Y is shorter than the corresponding member of group X. So, typically, they're shorter.

So typically and, on average, group Y is shorter than group X. Indisputable. Perfectly logical.

Now, that doesn't mean that every member of group Y is shorter than group X. If you look at X4, there are 2 members of group Y that are taller than he is.

So I can't say that every member of group Y is always shorter than group X. That does not follow the data. But typically, and on average, they are shorter.

Looked at another way, if you have some innate desire to prove how tall you are if you're a member of group Y, you might always hold out X5 (6 feet tall) and Y1 (9 feet tall) as your examples and say, "See?! There are members of Y that are taller than X!! I know these two guys, Y1 and X5, and Y1 is much taller than X5!!".

And you'd be correct that, in this one edge case, yes, a member of Y is taller than a member of X. That is indisputable and I would not say you're wrong.

What is wrong is to then use that as evidence to generalize and say that members of Y are not generally any different in height than group X, because you know these two specific people who disprove that.

THAT IS WRONG.

You are using 2 edge cases to generalize to "average" or "typical". WRONG.

You have to look at everybody in both groups as a whole. Edge cases prove nothing.

So....

When you replace "height" with "masculinity", then this is the case that I'm making: Typically, and on average, gay guys have more effeminate features/interests/whatever than straight guys. Yes, it's a theory of mine. I don't have indisputable evidence that it's true.

But it is logically, internally consistent. If I propose that typically and on average straight guys are more masculine, it doesn't mean that I'm saying that there are no masculine gay guys, and it doesn't mean that you can't find many gay guys who are more masculine that straight guys.

What it does mean is that typically, and on average, if you compare 2 random guys, the straight guy would typically be more masculine.

Perfectly logical.

We can debate all day about whether my theory is true, but you cannot say that showing me a gay guy who's more masculine than a straight guy makes me illogical. Because it doesn't.

 

[Lube]

It was an interesting thread towards the end.

They closed it.
Now what am I supposed to do between bouts of shoveling snow?

 

[Lube]

Perhaps I'm too militant to some here.

But did the racial equality and feminist movements progress by people sitting on their duffs and refusing to make waves at home or in business?

So how is the gay rights movement going to progress if we refuse to make waves?

You can be out, or out and PROUD.

It's your choice. Not everyone has to be Gloria Steinem or Martin Luther King. Just don't criticize me for being like them. Ok? Thanks

 

[Lube]

From something I posted today:


To all the good-hearted people who are trying to help VirginBubba:

VirginBubba is in to BDSM. It sounds very foreign to guys who aren't into BDSM, but guys who are into BDSM do in fact like pain and/or humiliation as a sexual input but it has nothing to do with low self esteem.

Please do not try to "cure" their attraction to BDSM because it's no more curable than a gay man's attraction to men.

A BDSM relationship, though outwardly appearing to be based on misanthropy, hatred, vindictiveness, and/or mean-spiritedness, is really a loving relationship based on mutual attraction to all things BDSM. For example, the OP himself said:

Originally Posted by VirginBubba
5: i want to be hurt and abused but i hope that he will do it with love and not just a im bored lets just fuck u over

BDSM guys are just like any other gay guys, they just like it rough. Some may have esteem problems, but that's no different from vanilla guys with esteem problems. Please separate helping with esteem problems from "helping" with BDSM "problems".

Google for BDSM and you'll find lots of hot, sexy, well self adjusted guys. Move in BDSM circles, and you'll find guys who are waiters, delivery men, doctors, lawyers, pilots, ITsupport guys, and every other career.

BDSM is not a problem to be cured. Low self esteem is. Please keep them separate. Thanks.

 

[Lube]

The next time you're apt to think "I don't need to come out because no one needs to know about my sexual proclivities, and it affects no one else," try reading this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/15/us/politics/for-some-same-sex-marriage-is-not-politics-its-personal.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

You have much more of an impact than you think you do.

 

[ATVRIDER]

I would agree for the most part, however, if I were to come out right now I would be kicked out of my home and disowned. Both of my parents are homophobes so I really have no choice until I'm done with school and out for good. I enjoyed that article though so thank you for that!
~Dustin

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

I would agree for the most part, however, if I were to come out right now I would be kicked out of my home and disowned. Both of my parents are homophobes so I really have no choice until I'm done with school and out for good. I enjoyed that article though so thank you for that!
~Dustin

That's a whole different kettle of fish. You're still a young person that financially relies on his closed-minded parents. No one will fault you for staying the closet. This issue pertains to people like Anderson Cooper, who is not beholden to his family, yet dances around his gayness like it's a game and is something too shameful to reveal. Even Matt Bomer got tired of that shit and stopped hiding his boyfriend as if he was a deformed conjoined twin living in the basement.

 

[Lube]

Don't read my earlier blog posts, OK?

Jeez.

Thanks. &#128536;