Luvin my roommate...

[Muscles4daze]

I know you feel bad for your friend, but he needs to feel the full consequences of his actions. maybe then he'll wake up. don't play nice and make sure everyone knows the *truth*. if you can talk to him, tell him that you know he reacted out of fear about being gay and that you're there to support him.

Sorry I don't agree man, I think he needs to stay far away from this guy (at least for a while), I am pretty sure his friend still see's him as the enemy and most likely will blame him for every thing that has ever went wrong in his life.

 

[Twistedup]

well, it's been over a week now, and i absolutely feel like shit. i didn't go to school all week, and i lost my job because i had to move in with a friend across the city or be homeless, and have no car. i can't bring myself to tell my mom what's happening. a bunch of mutual friends were in town over the weekend for a wedding, and i didn't even go...just stayed at a friend's house and got totally wrecked.

a few of my friends that were in town called me and asked me if i needed anything or if they could help me at all...i'm pretty sure he outed me to everyone...probably made up some fucked up story to go along with it too, cause everyone was real distant like when i talked to them.

then out of the blue, my ex girlfriend called me and told me to go stay with her and her fiance in el paso(she's one of the very few i've been out to for a while).

also, i got a call from a guy who was at the wedding who i went to high school with, but who i was never really close friends with this evening. he lives like 500 miles away and out of the blue was like, "hey if you ever need anything in denver or want someone to talk to, hit me up." i mean, i really appreciate it and he is a nice guy and his heart is in the right place...but why the fuck call me now? all the sudden?

this is a fucking nightmare. i'm really having second thoughts about not outing him to his parents. only thing is...now i'm thinking about driving back home and doing it in person so i can relish the anguish and hate on his bigot redneck dads face when i tell him. normally i'm not really a vindictive person, but...

i know that it is like breaking some sort of gay cardinal rule, but aren't there exceptions? this guy has cost me my house, my furniture, my dog(yeah she got put down yesterday), my job, and now i think is trying to polarize our friends against me to save his own face. and i fucked him!!!

i just don't know. i'm really, really, really thinking about fucked up shit right now. should i go through with it?

 

[Twistedup]

Not in the slightest. At least, not if you restrict your bedroom activities to other out homosexuals.

Lex

another problem that really fucks with me...yeah, i'm definitely gay, but i'm not really turned on by out gay guys...none that i've ever met anyway...i think i'm gonna be doomed to perpetually repeat this and similar scenarios forever. that and alcoholism.

sorry to say this guys, but being queer fucking sucks.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

You've had an extraordinarily terrible experience, but there are good people out there that you will find attractive.
In a scenario such as this, you really do find out who your friends are (such as the ones from El Paso and Denver opening their hearts and homes to you).
It's probably a very bad idea to visit and confront the father. You said he has a temper (probably worse than his sons), and that could turn into an equally painful experience. If you must, write a letter to his parents but don't mail it immediately, hold it a few days and re-read it to make sure you've said everything youu wanted to say in the proper way.
However, if you continue to live in the same city as this prick and he continues trying to hurt you and you try to hurt him back, when will it ever end?
Perhaps your best option would be to move to one of the other cities with friends who have invited you. It would be a fresh and exciting new start. With all you've already lost, what else can you lose?

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>another problem that really fucks with me...yeah, i'm definitely gay, but i'm not really turned on by out gay guys...none that i've ever met anyway...i think i'm gonna be doomed to perpetually repeat this and similar scenarios forever. that and alcoholism.

Honestly, you are. At least until you get your head out of your ass, drop the outdated preconceptions, and start living your fucking life.

You know the difference between "out" gays and closeted gays. "Out" gays don't care if people know that they're gay. That's it. When you decide to come out, you're not forced to kick your voice up an octave, swap out the jeans for rainbow hot shorts, and start liking Cher. Being out just means you can date guys without sneaking them up the back staircase, and praying that nobody catches your eyes lingering on that guy's ass a bit too long. Coming out can be stressful, but it tends to mean a lot less stress on the other end.

I think you've found your silver lining to your big-ass black cloud - you're out. You don't have to pretend anymore. If some of your "friends" stop calling or coming by, fuck them - they're not friends. Friends like you for you, not what team you play for. Hell, you have people you barely know offering hands to you, and you're looking at that aspect like it's something horrible. No, it's not - it's fantastic. It means you're not alone in this. It means you've got places to go. I'm not the one who said "Come to Denver", but if you do, I'll gladly have lunch with you (my treat) and introduce you to a bunch of people - male, female, gay, straight - who love life, are extremely happy, and don't give a fuck who you fuck.

I'm sorry this came down the way it did, but it's clear that this guy was fucked in the head. I'm sorry about your pooch. But there's not much to be done now. You can't "out" him to his parents. They won't believe you. You're a fag, he's their son - who they gonna believe? Let karma kick his ass for it (as I'm sure it will), take stock of what friends you still have, thank them profusely for sticking by you, pick up what's left of your life, and start over.

Lex

 

[Twistedup]

well, i feel like maybe had i taken some of the advice i got here in the first place and just talked to him about this whole thing before it exploded...maybe we could have worked something out...maybe i would still have moved out but would still have some of my furniture and my pup...maybe...but i didn't. i went stubbornly on my own way, and look how it turned out...

so i guess i won't out him...to his parents. our friends, though, i think i'm just gonna come clean to and tell them the whole truth...maybe even send them a link to this thread...i don't know. that way they can judge how they want and probably it will get around to his parents anyway(we're from a small town)... you're right, though; his parents won't believe me...hell they already hate me anyway because of all the trouble we got into in high school.

as far as leaving arizona, though, i just can't do that. i moved here to finish school, i have it all paid for, and i'll be damned if i leave without doing it.

 

[backpacker]

I'm so sorry to hear about the way things turned out, especially you being physically attacked and the loss of your dog.

Don't second guess how you handled the situation. You did what you thought was best at the time and it's certainly not your fault that he turned violent. Had you said something sooner, it may have better, but it may have be worse. You'll never know and it's not really important. Just focus on what is, rather than what if.

I agree with not outing him to his parents. As already noted, they probably won't believe you. Second, it could easily set him off and result in another attack on you. As far as your friends, I wouldn't say anything if they don't. If they ask what happened, just say "he has some personal issues that he's in denial about and it ruined our friendship". If they indicate that he said you are gay, then I would lay the whole story out. If he has told people, somebody will say so. That will be the perfect opening to get the whole story out to your friends. The type of person who will repeat what he said, is also the type that will spread your side of the story.

You may want to contact the guy from Denver and ask him what he heard. If your former friend told everyone that you are gay, then that's probably why he's calling. He may gay or at least gay friendly and wants to offer some support. I'm also willing to bet that he will tell you whatever was being said about you.

Focus on school and try not to think about this too much. Don't isolate yourself. When friends call you to hang, take advantage of the opportunity. Remember, these people have been your friends for a long time and most won't abandon a friendship over something that someone else says. If they do, they weren't much of a friend. Also, look for new friendship opportunities at school. School is a great place to make new friends. Good luck!

 

[G-Lexington]

BP pretty much nailed it.

Think about it. This guy finally got drunk enough to work up the nerve to ask a guy to have sex with him. He did, and it was the best sex he ever had. But he's so afraid of being gay that he fucking attempted to eridicate that memory by eradicating everything you own. Every night, he's going to have to live with that. And he's going to have to try to push the thought away of how much he loved gay sex, and how he can probably never bring himself to have it again.

He's in his own hell now. Leave him there.

Focus on you. If you want to stay in AZ and get your degree, killer - do it. Stay social, make new friends. Think about looking into the GLBT student union. It's a great place to meet people (not just people to go to bed with), and to get more comfortable with yourself.

Do call your Colorado non-friend, and do as BP recommended. Thank him for his offer of support, and ask if you can chat with him if you need to. That might be even better than a place to stay.

If your friends ask, stick with the "we had issues" line. If they ask if you're gay, say yes. You can tell them the whole story if they really want to hear it, but don't press it on them.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Great advice from Backpacker, Lex, and others.

Keep in mind that this guy learned from his father how to deal with things he cannot control: with violence.

He also learned from his father that being gay is bad--real bad.

He's having to deal with those issues. Yes, he's a horrible person for what he did (that's no way to handle the situation!), but have some compassion for him. Show him (in a way his father/family never could) that it's OK to have doubts, that it's OK to deal with them in a constructive way.

You're not going to turn him around overnight. But just writing him a letter may very well be the start of him dealing with his own homophobia and fears and doubts. He may never write back, and you may never be friends again, but you may find out someday 40 years from now at his funeral, that he kept that letter his entire life because it meant so much to him.

He may be a lost cause, but letting him know (in a letter) that what you 2 did that night was beautiful and wonderful and in no way negative could really help him start to deal with his demons. Don't tell him you love him, just that you care and that you're disappointed in how he reacted, but you understand his background and hope he learned from it and will never do anything like that again.

You wouldn't believe what a big difference that could make in his life. (And I think it would give you some closure, too.)

He's really really scared right now.

Don't be vindictive.

 

[Twistedup]

well a bit of an update here...

i called the courthouse to find out what happened when he went in. i guess in this state, the state presses charges, even though i didn't really want to. now, he's officially a felon. this means he'll lose his job as soon as they find out. also, by law he isn't allowed back to the house, even though i no longer live there...dunno what he's gonna do about that.

i really wanted to just let the whole thing go, and between my fantasies of ruining him through his parents and my delusions that we would just ignore this whole thing and be friends again, i've been really fucked up this past week. well, i've gotten some really good advice here and have decided that i need to follow it more.

well every day since then i haven't really slept. i do, but i wake up every hour or so and have been having fucked up dreams. i need some kind of closure to this. i've even tried calling him a couple times to talk about it but gotten no answer. well, here's my current idea...

i think i'm gonna take him to civil court. i was about to put my tail between my legs and leave the city, but fuck that. i have shit to do here and if anyone leaves it should be him. so...i'm gonna sue him. for my paintings, for vet bills, for a new set of couches, for all my video games he smashed, lost work compensation, and most importantly, for emotional distress. i think that given the pictures i have, and the police reports, and the vet bills and court orders, in addition to police witnesses, there is no way i can't get quite a pretty penny out of him. as of now, i'm gonna go through with it on monday. i know i shouldn't be vengeful, but this will leave his life as tattered as i feel he's left mine...and it will make me feel much better...i think.

what do you guys think? i'm hoping this will make me feel better and put and end of sorts to this whole fiasco. it will, however, finalize the end of our relationship for good, though, and eliminate the possibility of him ever apologizing down the road, which is what i really want, but don't think i can wait for. or, should i just let this sleeping dog lie? if i do this...will it only blow up and make things worse? i really don't know, and i understand that no one really can know...but i'd appreciate some suggestions.

 

[paboy67]

hey dude,

I've only just read this whole roller coaster ride of a thread.

shit.

it has obviously been tough for you.

question - do you really want to take him to court and go through all of the drama that that will entail - and do you really want to do that to him on top of him having a criminal record over the issue already?

I reckon it will only make a bad situation much worse - especially if you are going to have to stay in town to finish your studies.

I would think about it - very carefully - before taking any action.

you have had a shit time - and have been left with a lot of mess to clean up after he went berserk - and you have also lost your best friend - but maybe you have only lost him until he comes back in years to come. if you push this further now, that is not likely to happen.

and will exacting revenge reallymake you feel any better at the end?

 

[G-Lexington]

One of the cards in the decks of Lex that I pull out every so often is this one.

"I want/need closure" is quite often just another way to say "I want things to end in a way that is satisfactory to me". And, also quite often, such ending is simply not available.

Taking him to court is just a variation of outing him to his parents. It's a way to attempt to get back at him. And one that's just as likely to blow up in your face.

Think hard about this, because this isn't something you can dip your toe into. I have no idea what his story will be, or how it will play out. But let me make a couple guesses.

I'm guessing that he'll say he did what he did because you either "wouldn't stop hitting on him" or "tried to take advantage of him while he was drunk". (My guess is he won't admit to anything actually happening.) Whatever the story is, he's going to stick to it like SuperGlue to a steel girder. You're going to hear evidence by his family and (former) friends about what a conniving schemer you were, and about how straight and upright this guy is. You're going to hear all about all your attempts to get into this guy's pants - all the pornography you made him watch, all the innuendo you laid on him, all the times you plied him with drinks. It'll be a bizarre mix of fantasy and wishful thinking, with just enough sprinkling of truth that you'll have to admit to some of it. You will be painted as a typical homosexual circa 1955 - a deviant, a schemer, and a guy who would stop at nothing to inflict his perverted lifestyle on a true friend.

And you'll have to listen to this presented not as theory, but as cold hard fact. Over and over again. While you sit there silently. With perhaps one friend to say that you'd never do that. (Presumably) without a good lawyer to guide you through it.

...still sound like a great idea?

He destroyed your possessions, your home, your life. That, like it or not, is your closure. What he did to you is horrible. But, as I said in a previous post, he's in his own hell now. And you can add "convicted felon" to everything else he's going through.

It's gonna be hard. But you're going to have to let it go.

Lex

 

[unclaimedblessing]

When people do mean, malicious and destructive things, they should be punished for them.
He has been punished in criminal court now.
As others have said, pursuing this is civil court could blow up in your face and the last thing you need is more hurt and humiliation.
Cut your losses and move on.

 

[Twistedup]

damn you guys and your logic.

i don't know if the whole 'painting me homo' thing would work for him though. i still haven't come out to many people, and not to anybody who i don't totally trust. plus i've got plenty of friends and ex-girlfriends to back me up. hell, for the point of it i could even find a new one...i wouldn't bring the reality of the situation into the courtroom at all; just say that we had a fight and he got drunk and did all that shit for no apparent reason other than work stress of unpaid bills or some shit. i'm sure he would never even approach the homo thing as an argument. as far as our friends go, i could easily polarize a vast majority of them to my side, but it would require making some shit up and i don't think i have it in me to do that.

i guess i won't.

i though i had it figured out...but...again...you're right. well i guess i'll just write him a letter. probably work on it this evening after a few beers. maybe i'll throw it up here for some 'proofreading' before i do anything with it.

i'm soooo glad i found this place. who knows where i'd be without it.

 

[G-Lexington]

Good. Write the letter, mail it, and move on. Don't expect any sort of response from it, but it'll be nice to get it out.

Lex

 

[amyleeisjesus]

I normally find Lex's posts quite informative and agree with the majority of them; in this case, though, I absolutely would not advocate giving him a free pass to destroy your possessions and hoist medical bills upon you with no monetary repercussions. No matter the potential for "ugliness" in the proceedings (which, like you, I'm skeptical of), you deserve to have him be held responsible for his actions. It doesn't matter what his excuse in court is because there's no justification for it. He can say you're a homo siren who wouldn't stop beckoning him to the bedroom all he wants. It's not a defense.

Also, for a civil matter on this scale (<$5,000?) you shouldn't even need a lawyer, so that shouldn't be a factor in the equation.

 

[backpacker]

...
i called the courthouse to find out what happened when he went in. i guess in this state, the state presses charges, even though i didn't really want to. now, he's officially a felon. ...

The following assumes that you are in the United States.

He has only been charged, not convicted, therefore he is not a felon. At least not yet. The criminal process typically takes a good amount of time. While he may have been charged with a felony, there is a good chance that it could be plea bargained down to a misdemeanor. A lot of that depends on the strength of the evidence and how hard the victim pushes for felony charges and serious jail time. Even if the charges are not reduced to a misdemeanor, the degree of felony may be reduced. If he doesn't have a criminal record, there is a good chance he won't serve any time.

With regard to damage to your personal possessions, the criminal court will probably order restitution. You may want to ask the prosecutor if there are any victim assistance funds available to help you get back on your feet.

If you decide to pursue a civil case, my understanding it's best to wait until after the criminal case has been resolved. Chances are slim that a civil court would allow the case to proceed if he raises Fifth Amendment issues regarding self incrimination. Remember, he can't be forced to testify at a criminal trial and anything he says under oath in a civil trial could be used against him. For that reason, civil cases typically wait until after the criminal case. You will probably want to consult an attorney to confirm my understanding and get proper legal advice.

Sending him a letter is not a good idea. Whatever you write can be twisted around by his lawyers and will probably damage your chance at getting paid for your stuff. At this time, you are best to keep your distance.

I know this is a very emotional time for you. Your oscillation from revenge to not wanting anything bad to happen to him is certainly understandable. My advice would be to wait a few weeks before taking any action. That will give your feelings some time to settle down and you will naturally gravitate toward what is best for you to do.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

 

[paboy67]

hey twisted,

ask yourself if you would take this case to Judge judy (and if you do please let us know when you do)

if you wouldn't throw it in front of Judy, then don't go to court.

advice above to wait - and to reconsider writing the letter is good.

hard advice - build a bridge - and get over it.

meaning - get over him and get on with your life - the more you stew on it all or drag it out, the more he has won.

 

[rareboy]

i guess in this state, the state presses charges, even though i didn't really want to. now, he's officially a felon.

He's only a felon if convicted.

 

[Twistedup]

ok, so i hate to beat this horse, but i'm, yet again, in need of some advice.

so i found out through a mutual friend that he did in fact get charged as a felon, and although not convicted, i''m pretty sure he will be because of what he did to my dog, evading the police, and doing $2000+ in damages. maybe not...but he probably will.

anyway, since i've moved out i've spoken with my sisters, both of which sent me items in the mail. also, my school/credit card/student loan stuff was all being mailed there for a good three weeks before i changed my address. well i've called him on his personal and work phones and left messages saying that i need my mail and that if he wants i can have a friend go pick it up or something. i've also sent an email to him...not about the situation, not about how i feel, simply that i want my fucking mail...no response. i know that it is illegal to open someone else's mail, so is it legal for him to hold it from me? i'm really worried about some of the stuff contained in there and i'm pissed off about the packages my sis sent me.

should i try another way of contacting him? should i gather a few pals and just go over there? can i get a sheriff to contact him and demand he release it? i don't really know what to do. the last email i sent to him was this morning, saying that if he didn't contact me or our friend to get it to me by friday i would do what was necessary to get it.

only i don't really know what is necessary...