Make $140,000+ but still unhappy...

[benixo]

sounds like you need to get away and take a vacation. in my experience its easiest to be who you are when nobody else knows or expects something of you. its a perfect time for you to live for yourself!

 

[zingerz]

i know what you need. a friend, a real life friend that can connect with you and understand your problems. cause i have a sure feeling that if you tell this friend. then you will feel really really liberated, but i don't know if that will give you the courage or not to come out to "the world" (people around you), but you need this. you need to feel good about yourself, and if you come out to one person you can trust you will feel that way.

 

[zingerz]

or a girl! i first came out to my bestfriend who was a girl. i mean my situation is obviously not the same as yours, but i felt the same way, like, most people do when they come out: OUT RIGHT LIBERATED.

 

[kevbo]

maybe I'm waiting for a guy to make it worth while for me to come out? I don't know...

One of the more important things to learn in life is that waiting for someone or something to come to you is a waste of time, it usually never happens. and if it does, it takes too long

grab the bull by the horns

 

[StlKj]

Life doesn't suck.

Living it in fear does.

 

[StlKj]

^^And this kind of response is exactly why these types of threads should be posted in the Coming Out no flame zone.

 

[The Warmth]

Wow, you've mellowed out Jasun. I remember making a thread in Coming Out under a different moniker (I've been posting since 05, turned 18 on Feb of 08) and getting REAMED by you for essentially expressing the same thing.

bidude, the answer is simple, but the first step is the hardest fucking thing. I can guarantee you though that the fear before you take it is the worst part. After that, it's all good.

 

[gmoney]

Jasun! Be nice! I love you dude, but not everyone has the courage, or support to "come out" and accept their own sexuality as easily as you might have. We all need our own time and space to deal with what we realize is obvious once we reach a certain age.

 

[3stripes]

My opinion, for the rapidly deflating value that it is worth, is that you are just at the right point. You are beginning to realise that doing everything "right" according to other people isnt going to make you happy.

Guess what that means? Doing things "right" according to people on here aint going to make you happy either.

So work out, for yourself, what is right for you. And get on with it!



as a complete aside

Wow, you've mellowed out Jasun. I remember making a thread in Coming Out under a different moniker (I've been posting since 05, turned 18 on Feb of 08) and getting REAMED by you for essentially expressing the same thing.

Yeh, apparently he's learnt a thing or two. One hopes that he can learn a thing or two more because there is a big wide world out there.

 

[StlKj]

The fear of others rejecting us is most often a sign that we have already rejected ourselves. Why do you live your life according to them? Because it's easier than living your own, and because you have already condemned yourself for being gay. After all, why wouldn't they find you repulsive, since you already do? You were already jumping to the conclusion we would think you must be ugly since you're in the closet, even though you've most certainly come across any number of men on these boards who are attractive and still closeted. You feel ugly, dead and fucked by life.

Why would anyone ever accept you being gay when you can't accept it yourself? Take some of that salary and hire a therapist. Don't marry someone whose life you will eventually ruin if you do one day come out. Stop burying yourself under everyone else's wishes--you're not dead yet; stop living as though you are.

 

[StlKj]

Jasun, I realize you don't subscribe to the school of "You catch more flies with honey." I don't know that substituting the honey with a flyswatter helps you get your point across, though.

One thing I've often appreciated about Jasun--he realizes that there are two types of support, and most people are only motivated by one of them. Either you respond best to "you can do it, buck up little camper," or you respond best to "get your head out of your ass and get to living." Some people absolutely require a kick in the ass to get motivated, especially if they've been raised by just such a motivational system.

There's a fine line between kicking someone in the ass, and beating someone down. We've seen both of those in this thread. Hopefully, someone's approach will help get through to the OP.

 

[KaraBulut]

My entire life has been decided by my family... the college I should attend, what I should major in, what car I should buy, and now WHO I should marry. I got fucked by being born gay and being born into a very traditional family!!

The thing with family issues is that it helps you to understand where you came from and how you got to where you are, just it doesn't help a whole lot with determining what you can or will do in the future.

If you're not happy with your life, change it. It is that simple.

The issues that you have to overcome are not as much your family as it is your fear of what you may lose by coming out.

As for people to talk to- there are plenty hear who will listen.

 

[gmoney]

Yeah.

Easy.

That's what my coming out was.

Easy.

Life isn't easy. Life is a game and the ones who win are the ones who play it.

My apologies, Jasun. I should never have assumed coming out was easy for you, though I did have that perception.

My point is, that if this guy is anything like me, his first rational is to think it's not normal, and it isa curse! I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I had just "wishing" it would go away.

No matter how hard you try to deny your sexuality, it's still there. I hope this man realizes that soon and doesn't have the years of turmoil that I did.

 

[3stripes]

My apologies, Jasun. I should never have assumed coming out was easy for you, though I did have that perception.

Yes, please apologise to Jasun. He always apologises to everyone else.

Please dont operate on assumption, he never does.

... ... ... ... ...

 

[hotb0d]

Well seem to me you already know what the problems are in your life. And I think you know how to fix them...now you just need to find the courage to do it. I think you will find that special someone if you are to honest yourself first. I'm assuming that you're capable of being independent from your family, so then what's holding you back?

just come out...it could be one of the most liberating experiences of your life.

 

[belamy]

Jasun, you make it sound like coming is so easy. Well, you need to realize that everyone has different coming out experiences and not everything is simple as joining a gay baseball team.

You do not know the shit that I have gone through in my life. You'll never understand my reasoning for doing the things I've done or will do. Nor do I expect you to understand it. Imagine a life where your dad NEVER supported you, NEVER told you he loves you, NEVER cared so much as to help you with your homework. Imagine never being able to bring your friends over to the house because your dad's a fucking nutcase and you never knew when he going to blow up. And your mom never once thought about getting a divorce because that would bring shame to the family because of the fucked up society you lived in. Imagine crying yourself to bed wondering WHY YOU, why you had to be gay and born into this family. You'll never understand the shit my mom and siblings had to go through to make me the man I am today. You think I'm making over 140k for myself? Think again. I can go on and on, but I'm not going to justify myself anymore to you or anyone else. Hell, maybe I'm not gay and maybe I just desire another man because I was never loved by my dad?

And for those that think I should be on anti-depressants... everything isn't solved by damn pills! I usually don't get emotional like this, unless I'm not staying busy (like tonight).

To everyone else who gave me positive support.. Thank you! I will find my own way and time to "come out". Peace out and good night.

Best thing you can do (that suggestion about taking meds sounds as bad as what you said your dad is): you seem very vulnerable right now, and if you are depressed, confused and don't have the inner strength to face the trouble of fighting for the life you want you'd better not try right now.
Being gay almost always means you will have to live going upstream. It's nice to fancy oneself being happy with a boyfriend and a life like everyone else, but if you wreak havoc in your current life without having very clear in your mind what you really want and what you want to do I'm afraid you may end up adding even worse shit than what you may have now.

 

[StlKj]

bidude711, did you read Jasun's post above? He said coming out was the most horrible thing he ever experienced, especially at the time in which he did it (the 80s were not exactly a hot bed of acceptance). He didn't say at any point that coming out would be a cake walk. If it was, none of us would have to "come out." We'd just be out.

No one has said that coming out is easy, but really, is the life you are living now any easier than coming out? Coming out is a process by which one starts to finally LIVE one's truth--at this point, you're describing yourself as dead inside. Is coming out to the possibility of finally being happy really harder than the pain and deception you are currently living?

It's completely possible that all your loved ones will turn their backs on you. It's also possible that because they love you, they'll be far more accepting of you than you could ever imagine. Remember, as you fear the price of coming out, to also face the cost of not doing so.

 

[StlKj]

And for those that think I should be on anti-depressants... everything isn't solved by damn pills! I usually don't get emotional like this, unless I'm not staying busy (like tonight).

Um, I didn't see anyone suggesting medication. A couple of us did recommend a therapist. Even if you weren't gay, it sounds like your family life growing up might be a good reason to see one just to make sure you can build healthy adult relationships.

Go back and reread the responses in the morning, bidude, when you've had some time to put the evening's emotions behind you. If you read them carefully and unemotionally, maybe you'll see that only one post in this whole thread slammed you--the others, even Jasun's, were pretty encouraging and/or supportive.

Good luck to you.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey guys,

This thread now resides in Coming out and relationships - a no flame, on topic zone.

Please keep your posts on topic from here on in, and offer Bidude the support and advice that this forum is renown for. Its a position that most of us have found ourselves in or find ourselves in now, and its one best handled with freindship and encouragement.

Thanks guys!!

 

[cm98059]

Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.

Save yourself a lot of heartache. Love yourself, and love will find you. Go ahead and take that step. I think you want to end the charade, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.