Making my ex come back to me

[Gekishinken]

Hi all,

My ex broke up with me the day after Valentines Day over text message and phone call. He said to me "You're the nicest person i've ever met, but I didn't want to lead you on anymore." Obviously I was perplexed. He said he loved me first, asked me to be his boyfriend first and even had discussed us moving in together. He said he had decided a few weeks ago to do it, but didn't have the courage to do it in person because he didn't want to hurt me. At first, I was angry he didn't do it in person, but then realized it's because of how he is and his self esteem issues.The breakup was not mean or hurtful though. It just sort of happened. I also know the reasons why he broke up with me. He said that, essentially, it was too strong too soon. We had been going out together going on 5 months.

Obviously I know he's regretting his decision. You don't tell someone "You're the best boyfriend ever", spoon with them, kiss them passionately and text them 24/7 and then dump them the next day and not feel anything. That's totally irrational and makes no sense. I even got an e-mail from OKCupid saying he was looking at my profile. Can people give me some tips on how to make him really regret his decision and come back to me?

FYI: Last night I went out with some friends. During the No Contact period, I sent him a text saying "I just walked by the place we went for New Years Eve. That was a fun night!" He responded with: "Yeah. Have fun and stay safe." I didn't respond after that. Maybe i'm reading too much into it, but he wouldn't have taken the time to respond almost immediately if he didn't still care.

 

[lambdaboy]

It hurts but this can happen in any new relationship. At least he was honest with you it hurts but try to work through it you have your whole life ahead of you guy.

 

[jaysizzles]

Give him time to sort out his feelings. It seems like he's conflicted. He's stated his feelings for you, but him saying it was "too strong too soon" lets you know that he needs space that he didn't have while the two of you were together, and that he's not emotionally ready to make a commitment. You trying to pressure, contact, or manipulate him in order to get him back right now will likely continue to scare him off. He needs to figure this out on his own.

Perhaps the only thing you should do right now is let him know that you respect his decision, but also that if there is a way to proceed in the relationship that is at a pace he's more comfortable with, that you'd be willing to discuss it with him...if you are so inclined to do so as well. Not to be a pessimist, but don't hold out much hope.

 

[Gekishinken]

So that's it? I have to just pretend everything is ok and pretend life is fine? The longer I go without being with him the harder it becomes. I find it so hard to believe someone could one day say one thing and the next do a 180, especially when I wasn't the one pressuring us to move ahead fast. It was him

 

[tarallucci]

Perhaps the only thing you should do right now is let him know that you respect his decision, but also that if there is a way to proceed in the relationship that is at a pace he's more comfortable with, that you'd be willing to discuss it with him...if you are so inclined to do so as well.

I would recommend this as well. Tell him you're there if he needs to talk.

 

[Rolyo85]

So that's it? I have to just pretend everything is ok and pretend life is fine? The longer I go without being with him the harder it becomes. I find it so hard to believe someone could one day say one thing and the next do a 180, especially when I wasn't the one pressuring us to move ahead fast. It was him

Yes, this is exactly what you should do.

Honestly, "how to MAKE someone do something" is almost always the wrong question to ask in a romantic situation. The guy is clearly conflicted, and despite your words, he clearly felt smothered in the relationship. Whether his self-esteem issue drove him to act the way he did, or you aren't entirely honest in your OP, your general attitude comes across as selfish. Don't take this as an attack - I don't know you and I have no reason to attack you, I am just interpreting your post.

You are stalking him (tracking his OkC activity), you assume he regrets what he did, without - it seems - having discussed this with him, and instead of trying to understand how he feels and what he needs, you come here asking us how to "MAKE" him regret leaving you.

This comes across as entirely about you when it should be about the relationship. The dude clearly needs time off, and finding a way to force him back to you will only fuck the potential of him coming back on his own terms.

The only useful advice you will get here is to let him know that you care about him and that you will give him space. If he doesn't come back, then you know where you stand and you can both move on. But if he does, it has to be because he decided to, not because you manipulated him.

 

[vidarr]

You saved yourself a whole lot of drama by letting him go.

People who say one thing and then do another shouldn't be trusted. He needs to mature more mentally before you even think of taking him back.

 

[KaraBulut]

The first clue is the title of the thread: "Making my ex come back to me".

You can't make him do anything.

So that's it? I have to just pretend everything is ok and pretend life is fine? The longer I go without being with him the harder it becomes...

You're confusing his caring for you with his wanting to be in a relationship with you. It's two different things.

For whatever reason, this is what he wants. You can either give him the space that he has told you he wants or you can make the process even more painful for the both of you by not allowing the both of you the space, time and perspective that you both need.

It's true that it might be worse before it gets better but eventually you will move on. You may find someone else or there's a slim possibility that the two of you might be able to get back together. But based upon your description of the situation, he just wasn't feeling it and didn't want to get further into a relationship that wasn't right for him.

 

[DarkHelios]

The title of the thread is a warning sign. You can't make anyone do anything.

You're making a whole lot of assumptions about what he's thinking. Nothing you've said makes it obvious that he regrets his decision.

For your own benefit, take his words at face value. Mentally accept that it's. If at some point he wants to initiate something again, great, but if you sit waiting for it, you're just asking to be disappointed.

Break-ups suck. You don't need to pretend life is fine. Actually staying out of contact for a little while will probably help. Do not interpret any contact as interest because it's probably just wishful thinking at this point.

 

[Seasoned]

Is it over? Many relationships have several starts and stops. Right now you're holding out hope and that puts your life on hold. The big problem with relationships is how the element of security becomes tied up with the partnership. A person can somehow consider themselves to be built up because someone has professed their love. We don't need a relationship to feel whole and if we do were only half on our own.

As others have pointed out, it's not possible to make anyone do anything and maintain any sort of healthiness. I have no idea why he was unable to tell you he wanted to breakup in person, but anyone not able or willing to discuss everything and anything face to face with their partner is not ready for a healthy relationship.

Proceed as if it's over and if it's not allow him to take the initiative to reconnect.

 

[mcbrion]

The first clue is the title of the thread: "Making my ex come back to me".

You can't make him do anything.


You're confusing his caring for you with his wanting to be in a relationship with you. It's two different things.

For whatever reason, this is what he wants. You can either give him the space that he has told you he wants or you can make the process even more painful for the both of you by not allowing the both of you the space, time and perspective that you both need.

It's true that it might be worse before it gets better but eventually you will move on. You may find someone else or there's a slim possibility that the two of you might be able to get back together. But based upon your description of the situation, he just wasn't feeling it and didn't want to get further into a relationship that wasn't right for him.

KaraBulut is completely correct: it's an illusion to think you can "make" someone come back to you. It's hard to let go, but it sounds like you're reading what you want as what he wants. This is simply inexperience on your part. You are confusing his caring for you with his being in love with you. You risk hurting yourself further by pursuing a love relationship with him, but you may not learn this until you try to get him back several times - and find yourself more disillusioned each time you do it - and it fails again and again, only faster each time. If he has self esteem issues - and you have said as much - you are trying to rescue someone you believe you can "save." That is the worst illusion of all, because people have to save themselves. Love can lift someone up higher, but it cannot save someone drowning in their own pain. It's unfortunate, but it just doesn't work like that.

 

[daddyfaux]

So that's it? I have to just pretend everything is ok and pretend life is fine? The longer I go without being with him the harder it becomes. I find it so hard to believe someone could one day say one thing and the next do a 180, especially when I wasn't the one pressuring us to move ahead fast. It was him

Unfortunately, it's more common than you think. My first boyfriend and I had an amazing relationship, at least from what I thought and he led me on to believe, just to dump me overnight when things were perfectly fine. We were together for 6 months, didn't fight, he didn't show any signs of being interested elsewhere, and one weekend it was all over. Over text, followed by a phonecall.


There's a certain hill new relationships go over before turning into a long-term relationship, and a lot just don't make it over. It can be for a variety reasons, and if he doesn't give you specifics, you'll question it and torture yourself with why he left for a very long time, until you're confident and accepting of being alone or if someone new comes along.

It just comes with relationships and pursuing them unfortunately.

Just remember, he's the one who left you, and hurt you very bad in the process. Your brain is going to filter through good memories only and the feelings of longing and heartbreak will be pretty bad for awhile, but eventually you'll get the point with yourself where you realize someone who let you go in that kind of fashion doesn't deserve to come back in. And who knows, there's a chance he might come back and you'll see that the relationship you once had with him isn't repeatable anyways.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, there is no way to force someone who left you to regret it. He left, he had his reasons, he told you his reasons, I don't see how a bunch of strangers on the net are going to have more insight than you do.

Perhaps instead of trying to force him to love you you should try working on being self sufficient for yourself.

 

[offthewall14420]

Obviously I know he's regretting his decision. You don't tell someone "You're the best boyfriend ever", spoon with them, kiss them passionately and text them 24/7 and then dump them the next day and not feel anything. That's totally irrational and makes no sense.

Why not? Lying is quite common.