Married and confused

[JMCED12]

I know these stories happen all the time but I'm truly conflicted and I'm hoping for some insight an outsiders perspective could possibly give.

I'm 32 years old and have been married to the perfect woman who loves me unconditionally for the last 6 years. I have always known I was attracted to men but always saw myself marrying a woman as I feel like I have a more intimate connection with them. I spent the majority of my life alone and looking for a good girl to settle down with. We share all of the same interest. We go backpacking, fishing and hunting together every chance we get. We recently purchased 11 secluded acres and have started finishing out a tiny house together in order to be debt free in the near future. We both make descent money and can afford to take random spur of the moment trips. But I still find myself craving gay sex. In the limited experiences I've had with men have been fun and exhilarating. I want to suck dick and take it in the ass so bad sometimes its more than I can bear.

More times than not if I watch porn and its gay and if I start watching straight porn I generally find myself switching to gay. But there are stretches of time where I crave straight sex and straight porn. My wife knows about these proclivities and has even pegged me a number of times but had to stop due to her religious convictions even though she really liked it. I domt know of I can go my whole life not satisfying this part of me but I also don't want to lose her. I feel like I should let her go for her own good. I'm just scared that I will throw all of this away and ultimately end up alone for the rest of my life having discovered im not even gay.

We have had lengthy discussions on the topic and she was almost willing to give me a 3 month walkabout to try and figure myself out but ultimately decided she couldn't go through with it and I would have to leave for good. Neither of us want this as we both feel like we have met our soulmate. I trust this girl woth every fiber of my being and to throw that away would be stupid. Tell me I would be a dumbass to throw it all away. Or should I let her go for her own good? I'm so conflicted.

 

[MusicMan321]

Hi there and to JUB from what you have said it sounds like mostly alot of married men are probably in the same situation as you are. And you said she knows about your sexual about guys or just the porn? On this site their are lots of other married men you can talk to and I think it's hot knowing a married man has little things towards men in private

 

[JMCED12]

Thank you..She knows that I want to and have had sex with men. It hits me like a ton of bricks and it takes alot of will power knowing that I could get on Grindr or go to a bath house and get laid. But I won't do that to her so I suffer in silence because there's nothing more to be said between us on the subject. We are proceeding with our lives and she even wants kids but I know it plagues her mind that one day I might give in and leave.

 

[Alistair]

More times than not if I watch porn and its gay and if I start watching straight porn I generally find myself switching to gay. But there are stretches of time where I crave straight sex and straight porn. My wife knows about these proclivities and has even pegged me a number of times but had to stop due to her religious convictions even though she really liked it. I domt know of I can go my whole life not satisfying this part of me but I also don't want to lose her. I feel like I should let her go for her own good. I'm just scared that I will throw all of this away and ultimately end up alone for the rest of my life having discovered im not even gay.

It kind of sounds like you’ve already made up your mind and your looking for agreement?

 

[MusicMan321]

Thank you..She knows that I want to and have had sex with men. It hits me like a ton of bricks and it takes alot of will power knowing that I could get on Grindr or go to a bath house and get laid. But I won't do that to her so I suffer in silence because there's nothing more to be said between us on the subject. We are proceeding with our lives and she even wants kids but I know it plagues her mind that one day I might give in and leave.

well that's good she's ok with the fact that your open to her about what you are into sexual with guys. Most married men try to keep that part to themselves as being bisexual to the wife cause they figure it wouldn't work out or if he says something to her and she's ok but mostly the guys ice chatted with same no they aren't out but good luck to you

 

[ShadowCat]

Sneaking around NEVER works out they always find out! I speak from experience both unrelated and related to this topic perse. It almost seems like you are telling yourself that you are happy but in fact you are seemingly miserable. Yes you claim to have found your "soulmate" but what if you have hitched your star to the first wagon that came along without ever exploring anything else? It seems like for as "welcoming" as she is with your bisexuality she is also very unwelcoming. She tries pegging you a few times liked it then stopped for "religious reasons" more like I think she did in fact like being in power and in control and the fucker not fuckee but was also scared she was lighting a fire under your want for men and was pushing you more to that route.

 

[Pierresro]

I can only tell you about what I went through. At 18 I met the girl I would marry at work. I went into the army and as with before we were married I was in the closet. We were married 8 years and I came out ot her. SHe was actullay sad for me and even wanted me and my gay partner to live in the basement of our house. The basement was finished not what you might thnk, but even my partner said no. At that point I had two sons one 3 and the other 7. I couldnot live the lie any more. My sons now grown have noproblem with my bing gay, my exwife still comminuicates with me. BUt I just could not live a lie. I know how hard this is for you and wish I could be of more help!

 

[KaraBulut]

...We have had lengthy discussions on the topic and she was almost willing to give me a 3 month walkabout to try and figure myself out but ultimately decided she couldn't go through with it and I would have to leave for good. Neither of us want this as we both feel like we have met our soulmate. I trust this girl woth every fiber of my being and to throw that away would be stupid. Tell me I would be a dumbass to throw it all away. Or should I let her go for her own good? I'm so conflicted.

Your story is very similar to other stories from guys who have same-sex attractions but who are married to a woman.

Where your story is different is that it's not clear what your "choice" is.

Many of the stories on this forum are, "I'm unhappy in my marriage with my wife. I've met a guy and I realize that I belong in a relationship with a man".

What you're saying is, "I have a great relationship with my wife but I crave sex with men" which is something different. It is a more difficult dilemma because you're making a choice between a stable relationship with your wife and an ill-defined search for sex with guys.

I won't tell you that you "would be a dumbass to throw it all away". What I will tell you is that you and your wife need to figure this out. That's probably going to mean talking with a therapist for you; you need to figure out whether your same-sex attraction is strong enough that you will not be happy unless you are in a relationship with a man.

Your wife also needs to be involved in a discussion about the future of your marriage. There are couples who find ways to make a marriage work but still find other means to satisfy their sexual needs outside of the marriage.

Much of the answer to this dilemma is upon you. You will need to figure out whether you are gay, bi or straight. Until you figure that out, it is creating uncertainty for you, your wife and your marriage.

 

[cabinfever]

I could be wrong but my first thought is that you are a sexually submissive straight man. I used to have sexually submissive straight men for sexual partners when I was single BECAUSE they didn't think the sex "meant" anything emotionally - which is why they ended up being my preferred casual sex partners - no chance of any emotional crap or guilt trips and hidden meanings after casual sex. The other thing - they usually picked me up - not the other way around. I never intentionally sought them out.

I think you are wise to tell your wife - BRAVO! Too bad the religious thing gets in the way because as a sexually submissive male having her dominate you would be a perfect solution. Is the religious belief staunch? - or do you think she has room to grow out of it?

Have you asked her if it would be OK to have a sexually dominant woman on the side? I am asking because I wonder if it would make a difference whether it was a man or woman or it it a solid NO for both?

I think it is something you have to figure out. If you stay with her and remain honest - are you going to be OK missing a piece of yourself - putting it to rest?

Sometimes denying your sexual nature can make the desires even stronger and might lead you into less than desirable situations.

 

[JMCED12]

Thanks everybody for your input. KaraBulut I talked to my wife about the therapy thing and she thinks it's a good idea. You seem to have a good grasp on what I was trying to convey I do have a good relationship with her and love her deeply. Cabin fever I get what you're saying about the sexually submissive part as I do like it when she dominates and fucks me but its still not the same as a real dick and real man so I don't think im 100% straight. And the other woman is definitely out of the question and so is her wavering on the religious thing. She grew up in a strict Christian household and it is very important to her, she just strays sometimes when she's been drinking and gets up the nerve to do it. I know she's a big girl ( not literally she's like a 110 lbs and 5'3) and can make her own decisions but I'm worried that I'm wasting her time and fertile years if I can't control myself in later years and this all goes down the drain anyway. I don't think I can put this piece of me to rest. I've been fighting this fight for a while.And as vain and self absorbed as this sounds I might be wasting my youth as well as im in decent shape and look like I'm 18 even though I'm 32.Not knowing what it truly feels like to surrender myself and be in the moment with a man since I was always so closeted, nervous, in denial and ashamed when I played around with them. I'm going to dig in and do alot of self examination in the coming weeks. I'll post and update if anyone cares. Thanks again for lending an ear and offering your honest opinions its nice being able to air this out and to be heard.

 

[KaraBulut]

... I'll post and update if anyone cares...

We do and please do update us.

 

[voltronforce]

It sounds like you are bisexual and having normal thoughts. I know that can be hard when in most cultures we are expected to be monogamous so that means some desires go unfulfilled.

 

[cabinfever]

We do and please do update us.

^^^This^^^

I hope you find a workable solution!

 

[JMCED12]

I know I said I would update in a couple weeks but things got a little crazy. My father decided to kill himself 2 weeks after my last post so my sexuality and confusion have pretty much been non existent with the severe depression and anxiety that have come about as a result. I'm just now starting to feel somewhat like myself and subsequently have been super horny and craving the D. I keep telling myself I should just let her go and find a better man but figured I should at least try to figure this whole thing out before I throw in the towel. I have started looking for therapist in my area the past few days when I get a rare free moment but to no avail. I found some online therapist but they are a little expensive.

 

[KaraBulut]

I know I said I would update in a couple weeks but things got a little crazy. My father decided to kill himself 2 weeks after my last post so my sexuality and confusion have pretty much been non existent with the severe depression and anxiety that have come about as a result.

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is never easy. Losing a parent to suicide just amplifies those feelings.

I'm just now starting to feel somewhat like myself and subsequently have been super horny and craving the D. I keep telling myself I should just let her go and find a better man but figured I should at least try to figure this whole thing out before I throw in the towel. I have started looking for therapist in my area the past few days when I get a rare free moment but to no avail. I found some online therapist but they are a little expensive.

Therapy is now covered as a medical benefit. Your insurance should pick up a large portion of the cost, outside of deductibles and copays. You might also look at your famiy's employment benefits as many employers offer an Employee Assistance Program that includes counseling benefits. Also, some therapists will work with patients on the cost of therapy.

Given all that is going on with you at the moment, talking it out with a therapist will help you find your bearings. It's worth the money.

 

[MusicMan321]

Sorry about the loss of your dad hope you are doing well from what you said in your posts it sounds like your going through a lot good luck in what yiur interest are for you

 

[Biggijstar]

So what happened man bi staying married