Married, bi, interested in bottoming

[mindfulness]

HI,

I'm getting to the point In my life when I'm embracing my sexual its more than ever and want to take a next step. Looking for advice and people who might have been here before.

About myself: to general population I identify as straight but between wife and close friends I'm bi. Told my wife i was interested in men when we were dating in college after being with her for two years and was floored when she didn't break up with me immediately. Friends told a few years afterward. I very much struggled with my feelings for years...I have had gay sex but it has been a rarity. In fact, that was cheating on my then-girlfriend and I was upset with myself. I did confess to her after we got married, awhile ago, she forgave me. In sum we've been together for almost 11 years and under the circumstances it's amazing.

I've become more open about talking to her and friends, have a stronger level of comfort in the identity and have a gay friend that I talk to about these things, let's say all this in last 18 months.

Then, I discovered dildos, best practices for anal masturbation (after years of infrequent, half-hearted, ill-prepared tries), a certain strain of porn that caters to this...AND EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED!!!!! One dildo wasn't enough, had to get another, started using them frequently and for hours at a time. I'm horns like all the time now and it translates to straight sex, too. Me and the wife are doing it (i.e. straight sex) multiple times a day like we haven't done since college. Intrusive thoughts at home and at work, constantly.

I've told the wife that I'm interested in letting her in on the dildo play, she's receptive. But, that brings us to today and here's my problem-- I kind of don't want her seeing me in that position. How will she react? Will it be an "a ha" moment when she realizes she's with a gay man and what has she done? Then there's the porn. What will she think of this crazy, sissy anal trainer porn, the straight-up gay porn that she'd get exposed to as part of my routine with the dildo? Will she make the assumptions I don't want her to make, e.g. do I want to dress up, am I not really into girls, etc.

I am feeling like it's only a matter of time before we get a man involved in the relationship (I don't fucking know how either) and for me this moment is a kind of testing the waters First time between ,the wife and I that she's seeing it, not hearing about it, and so I want to tread carefully.

Hoping someone can relate and share, thanks for reading...

 

[mbynpm]

I hope that you have been able to progress here. I understand your feelings. Keep us posted.

 

[Curiousbottom]

You need the real thing not your wife wearing a strap on. I think what you really crave is hearing the moans of pleasure from the guy as he fucks you. I think you need a one on one situation with another guy so you can relax and properly take his cock.

 

[mindfulness]

You need the real thing not your wife wearing a strap on. I think what you really crave is hearing the moans of pleasure from the guy as he fucks you. I think you need a one on one situation with another guy so you can relax and properly take his cock.

I definitely agree with you!! It's a stepping stone, I think; i don't mean to say that I want my wife to be a permanent substitute for a man but our sex life is such that we can have a ton of fun and a ton of sex while helping me along.

 

[seioussuction69]

Some guys stay married and closeted and secretly fuck around with guys their entire lives, so you've got that problem fixed. Yes, you're very lucky to have an understanding wife. The only relationships that matter are the real ones, so it's great that you two are able to talk openly, and that you have accepting friends. Is your wife attracted to other women? Has she ever talked about other men she's interested in? Adding a man to your sex lives is not exactly a good idea...yet. With a 3-way there is always one person who is going to feel left out to a degree. Seeing you with a man might be more than she can ever handle. Then again, I have a bi buddy who is married and his wife likes to watch him with men while she uses dildos....but that's not a typical couple! It's not the same dynamic as you having sex with a woman infront of her: she can compete with another woman. Seeing you getting off with a guy will drive home the fact that she can't compete with a man. I would really be careful how you approach talking about this, she might draw the line. Maybe she will be okay with you having a guy on the side, all marriages are different. You go away on a "business trip" and she won't want to know the details. As for showing her the kind of porn you like, that's a tough one. Unless she enjoys porn, don't bother. There are lots of women who love & buy gay porn (my sister for one) because they like watching gorgeous men and don't want to see women. But it's a different dynamic with you watching it with her, or her getting an eyeful of what guys can do together. Unless she has a strong kinky side, not many women want to watch their men fucking themselves with dildos while watching anal trainer porn. It sounds like she's aware you like sex with women, otherwise your sex life with her would be awful and require Viagra. She knows you're bi, but you might have to explain to her that you need to be with a guy, and that this is the way you will be for life. You know by now that ignoring your desires won't work. However, it's only natural that she's going to worry that you'll fall in love with a guy. And as much as you obviously love her, there is a chance that could happen. You also have to be honest with any guys you go with, some guys won't bother with a married man. If you find yourself more into a guy, at least your wife won't be blindsided and try to destroy you in the divorce. I can sympathize with your situation, it's dicey. But only you and your wife can decide what works for your marriage. Go with your heart AND your head. Just make sure you don't end up an elderly married man who never explored his sexuality to the fullest.

 

[mindfulness]

Some guys stay married and closeted and secretly fuck around with guys their entire lives, so you've got that problem fixed. Yes, you're very lucky to have an understanding wife. The only relationships that matter are the real ones, so it's great that you two are able to talk openly, and that you have accepting friends. Is your wife attracted to other women? Has she ever talked about other men she's interested in? Adding a man to your sex lives is not exactly a good idea...yet. With a 3-way there is always one person who is going to feel left out to a degree. Seeing you with a man might be more than she can ever handle. Then again, I have a bi buddy who is married and his wife likes to watch him with men while she uses dildos....but that's not a typical couple! It's not the same dynamic as you having sex with a woman infront of her: she can compete with another woman. Seeing you getting off with a guy will drive home the fact that she can't compete with a man. I would really be careful how you approach talking about this, she might draw the line. Maybe she will be okay with you having a guy on the side, all marriages are different. You go away on a "business trip" and she won't want to know the details. As for showing her the kind of porn you like, that's a tough one. Unless she enjoys porn, don't bother. There are lots of women who love & buy gay porn (my sister for one) because they like watching gorgeous men and don't want to see women. But it's a different dynamic with you watching it with her, or her getting an eyeful of what guys can do together. Unless she has a strong kinky side, not many women want to watch their men fucking themselves with dildos while watching anal trainer porn. It sounds like she's aware you like sex with women, otherwise your sex life with her would be awful and require Viagra. She knows you're bi, but you might have to explain to her that you need to be with a guy, and that this is the way you will be for life. You know by now that ignoring your desires won't work. However, it's only natural that she's going to worry that you'll fall in love with a guy. And as much as you obviously love her, there is a chance that could happen. You also have to be honest with any guys you go with, some guys won't bother with a married man. If you find yourself more into a guy, at least your wife won't be blindsided and try to destroy you in the divorce. I can sympathize with your situation, it's dicey. But only you and your wife can decide what works for your marriage. Go with your heart AND your head. Just make sure you don't end up an elderly married man who never explored his sexuality to the fullest.

Duuude, all of this is such incredibly appreciated advice. You are amazing.

So a few responses because I want to keep the conversation going...

You asked two questions; 1) she has expressed interest in women but I don't think it's anything as serious as my interest in men; 2) Great question, it just so happens that by-way of testing waters I showed her the post on this forum THIS EVENING about "which of these 14 hunks would you fuck" and while I sense she enjoyed looking at the guys I did find myself asking her later if my discussing the post with her was a turn-off because she went to bed very soon afterwards. She said it wasn't, that she was tired, etc.; totally valid answer and I don't suspect she was misleading by any means.

The "I would be really careful" line really resonates with me. The sex with her has been better than it has been in years (just great stuff), but I'm right there with you in the sense that "you never know." Intellectually she's into my fantasies but in reality she might feel emotions she doesn't expect. Your thoughts validate some thinking that goes through my head.

With that said. The dildo play has been a present and important fact in our relationship. We have sex a lot more, and I've begun to tell her that part of the reason I have more Sexual Energy is because of the dildos. Must be intriguing thought because we went from having 0 sex to daily sex in the period when I started using them 2-3 times per week. She seems--thankfully, amazingly, and increasingly less-doubtfully--open to my attraction to men.

I'm not sure if we're at the point where we mutually attract to men, but there's banter there. Before I would do it with a guy with her around I think it's necessary to be there and I understand that thought. There's times when let's say I'm 100% attracted to a man and I communicate this to her, she's 50% bought-in, I do think it's a matter of time before we're 100% together.

Loved your input and I'd read your posts before, I appreciate it. Don't like the avatar just because I've never eaten bananas.

 

[seioussuction69]

Hey there Mindfulness, glad you liked my advice. That's great that you showed you wife this website, she must be pretty accepting, most women would have real problem with it. Most women would consider even corresponding to someone in a very sexual forum would be a form of cheating. I'm pretty sure if my boyfriend was chatting with horny women online, I wouldn't like it. What's interesting is that you said you went from having zero sex to having daily sex once the dildos became part of your routine. You wife might be quietly accepting your use of dildos because of the great sex you two now have. Most women wouldn't mind giving their husbands anal pleasure, like fingering him during a bj. A wife with a kinky/dominating streak would enjoy fucking you with a strap-on. But if you have dildos that look exactly like dicks (and not just the basic vibrator) and start buying lots of them in various sizes, she might feel weird about it. If you're using them without her when you jerk off, and she knows, she might begin to wonder if you'd prefer to be with a guy. If I knew your wife this would be easier. But playing this slowly and carefully is what I would do. I've been with women, I just prefer men. Sucking on a gorgeous dick is what I want to be doing when I die, as where sometimes a vagina looks like roadkill to me. One great option for you two is to go into couples therapy, or see a sexual therapist. That way you two can talk things out in a calm environment with an expert, this often leads to people revealing things they normally wouldn't to each other. If you have kids, that adds another element. Sooner or later, they will need to know what the deal is. Having an open marriage seems like your only option at this point, and only you 2 can know if that will work. She can experiment with women, or men. You could agree not to meet the others sexual partners so it won't bother you. Or you could invite them to join you. Have you ever had group sex? Would she be into that, or going to a unisex bath house? There are swingers clubs, adults only resorts, group sex therapy...there are lots of options. Would you cheat on her and keep it a secret? Would you feel betrayed if she did the same? Do you see yourself still with her 10, 20 years from now? You should find a gentle way to tell her that no matter how much you love her, you want a man. Just know this might end in divorce, maybe not a nasty one, but it's still rough. You also have to ask yourself what you want from a man: sex or a relationship, or both. If you just have a physical need to be with a guy, you can easily scratch that itch! If she gives you the green light to go have fun, remember women don't always say what they mean. Kind of like when they are cranky and you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing" or "if you loved me, you'd know". She might agree to let you play just to keep you happy. It's amazing what some people will put up with so as not to end up alone. Reading her body language is essential. The longer you have been, or stay, married the harder this all is going to be. If your wife is very honest and blunt, coming clean quickly might be best. I really can't imagine a wife that would be thrilled that her husband has a guy(s) on the side, jealousy is a human trait. If she's the Sharon Stone type, keep her away from ice picks. Don't be surprised if she someday demands you make a choice: her or guys. I had a girlfriend ask me that once, and the decision was easy: GUYS! As much as I enjoy women, there is an electricity with another man that can't be denied. One way to tell for sure which way you want to go is kissing. Sucking a guy off is amazing, but some guys don't want to kiss or have any emotion involved (fuck that). If you can kiss another man passionately with your clothes on, and feel like you want to melt into him, that should be all you need to know. Her main fear, even if she hasn't told you, is that you'll leave her for a guy. You have to get ready to face that it might happen. Then the shit will hit the fan, no matter how gently you break it to her. Imagine if she told you she liked women, and she fell for one, how would you feel? You can't hate someone for being true to who they are. But it's going to be hard. Hopefully you'll find a way to make all this work, keep me posted.

 

[spemat35]

My girlfriends and I have always been bisexual both. I have the luck with that. I am BISEXUAL and I romantically was such a self hating token, I would have entertained the possibility of carrying on about it. Romantically, it really happened with one man and a couple others were close but I cannot deal with men and their know it all shit.

Like, this comment section. We're bisexual. Gay and straight people are not competent enough to grasp this. These dudes tell women bi men don't exist to cock block us. Really we didn't just get cleared on that old AIDS lie you all blamed on us... hetero people shot their own HIV epidemic up and spiked with every group. I was a more sexually friendly bisexual and have gone pretty much all out and am safe and responsible. That has to be the thing right off and that isn't always helpful either.

The fact that bisexual women are basically treated like 2nd trash sluts in this dialogue is absurd. The idea that male bisexuality is easier or harder to female bisexuality is ridiculous. Gay and Straight men are the right and left arm of misogyny and homophobia. Also, bisexual men, go to bisexual women and discuss with other bisexual men and women issues that we need to be working on from within. I am only 36 but was called "bisexual" and didn't know or care why but I do know there is always the "on our side-ism" thing with them over their issues.

But if BISEXUALS need to do anything, it's help our own where they are, have visibility and a comfort zone to be who and what they are on whatever terms. The minority of us is counted as "LGBT". The "Mostly Straight" seems like that long winded psycho babble homophobia candidates but they don't lie if you ask them but some see it different. It's a kink for a lot of people and socially they have no personal responsibility to overly embrace that rainbow flag thing. I mean, this comment section is loaded with my own getting schooled by the limited viewpoint of the group they.

Before I seem like I am just here to attack the gay men, I am not. Of course, I have no clue where they come up with their interesting theories but the point they make is the problem I see with these scenarios... bi wife/hubby does the out thing and uses the "homophobia" trick their partners into tolerating the same thing MOST BI MEN AND WOMEN WON'T play and that burns both ends there.

Bi women are the funniest because the moment they hit the guy with the "I want to explore my fantasies" or whatever the heck you all say now, 9/10 of the hetero leaning bi people will see the "pride bi people" as a threat. And they don't really know where out of left or right field I will be batting. I see bi men crying about "bi women having it so much better" but our demographic in general has the lowest hate crime rates.

Some years lower than anti-hetero hate crimes and out of all of the violence and hatred has been mutual and often both between bi women and lesbians and gay men and bi guys. Ironically, these little things are minor to most but it us a pattern of consistent behavior. I am a fan of unmarried equality and don't support political agendas. I respect that there is a strong far left queer thing. I hope that experiment fails with few casualties. It has really faded out. Bi men didn't grasp the queer label for long.

 

[snakeeater1]

I’m a married bi guy and my first gay sex was as a bottom! He had a small dick and we laid on our side (spooning) and it didn’t hurt! Later on I was a bottom for a guy with a big cock! I was laying on a bed Face down and it hurt like hell going in and hurt until he cum! .. so position and size mean a lot!.. My advice, choose carefully for your first time, and use lots of lube!….