Hi again, how are you doing? What's going on with your husband? Have you talked more? Any news on the legal front?
There are many men here who are married to women and for a number of reasons. I don't want to speak for them (and I hope they hop on here and speak for themselves), but I would bet that most love their wives very much.
Most here know that I was once married myself. I think, in one's early 20's, it's easy to fool yourself on many levels. For one thing, it's easier to perform sexually because hormones are so good, and you convince yourself that you can have it all: The straight life, kids, the house in the suburbs, and a good career. That "strange attraction" that lurks just beneath the surface can be contained, and one's little secret with one's self. What no one knows can't hurt anyone. Etc. Etc.
Some men fantasize having a "fuck buddy" as the term goes. (Not to be taken literally, necessarily--translate into "sex buddy"). This would be one dedicated good friend with whom you suck off or jack off or get naked with. In the fantasy, it's usually another married guy and it's their little secret that no one knows about. They satisfy those urges with each other, and it's contained there and no one knows, is hurt, or is wiser. This fantasy is very pervasive, actually, and it is acted upon. But, I think it's more fantasy than reality most of the time.
When I worked the Gay & Lesbian Hotline, I was struck with how many calls I got from married men in their late 30s to mid-40's. After hundreds of calls, I pieced together that that age range precipitated coming-out crises left and right. Why? It seems that this is the period when hormones start waning and it becomes more difficult to perform sexually except with a person to whom you're very attracted. Thus, those of us who "got it up on a dime" in the 20's with practically any stimulation, had to work at it now. Coupled with "mid life crisis" thoughts--my looks are fading, is this all there is to it, my life is passing, etc.--this is the time when men who have an attraction to men start exploring big-time. That can lead to the difficulties your husband encountered, or other "outing" type activities that bring those attractions front and center in a man's mind.
Know, though, that many men view sex differently than women. Whereas women very much tie the sex act into emotional connection, many men can compartmentalize their feelings and behaviors. Thus, it's easier for men to engage in sex, per se, and not feel anything for the man involved. Thus, it's entirely possible for a man to be very much in love with his wife, yet get his rocks off with another man, and go home to his loving wife and not think a thing (except perhaps guilt and shame at those pesky same sex attractions in the first place). This is somewhat of a generalization and not ALL women need emotional connection and not ALL men can or do engage in meaningless sex. But, the differences are pronounced and well documented.
What this all means for you, no one knows. That's why, based on your earlier thread, it's so important for him to be in counseling to sort all this out and see where you both stand.
Good luck to you. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
