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married but gay?

diane06

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I don't understand.

Is anyone here married to a woman if you are gay? My cousin said when he was young that he married because he didn't want to be gay, he was trying to live the straight life and of course it didn't work out. It couldn't work out. The marriage lasted about a year. But that is different than a man who is married and wants to stay married. I don't understand. I just don't.:(
 
Hi again, how are you doing? What's going on with your husband? Have you talked more? Any news on the legal front?

There are many men here who are married to women and for a number of reasons. I don't want to speak for them (and I hope they hop on here and speak for themselves), but I would bet that most love their wives very much.

Most here know that I was once married myself. I think, in one's early 20's, it's easy to fool yourself on many levels. For one thing, it's easier to perform sexually because hormones are so good, and you convince yourself that you can have it all: The straight life, kids, the house in the suburbs, and a good career. That "strange attraction" that lurks just beneath the surface can be contained, and one's little secret with one's self. What no one knows can't hurt anyone. Etc. Etc.

Some men fantasize having a "fuck buddy" as the term goes. (Not to be taken literally, necessarily--translate into "sex buddy"). This would be one dedicated good friend with whom you suck off or jack off or get naked with. In the fantasy, it's usually another married guy and it's their little secret that no one knows about. They satisfy those urges with each other, and it's contained there and no one knows, is hurt, or is wiser. This fantasy is very pervasive, actually, and it is acted upon. But, I think it's more fantasy than reality most of the time.

When I worked the Gay & Lesbian Hotline, I was struck with how many calls I got from married men in their late 30s to mid-40's. After hundreds of calls, I pieced together that that age range precipitated coming-out crises left and right. Why? It seems that this is the period when hormones start waning and it becomes more difficult to perform sexually except with a person to whom you're very attracted. Thus, those of us who "got it up on a dime" in the 20's with practically any stimulation, had to work at it now. Coupled with "mid life crisis" thoughts--my looks are fading, is this all there is to it, my life is passing, etc.--this is the time when men who have an attraction to men start exploring big-time. That can lead to the difficulties your husband encountered, or other "outing" type activities that bring those attractions front and center in a man's mind.

Know, though, that many men view sex differently than women. Whereas women very much tie the sex act into emotional connection, many men can compartmentalize their feelings and behaviors. Thus, it's easier for men to engage in sex, per se, and not feel anything for the man involved. Thus, it's entirely possible for a man to be very much in love with his wife, yet get his rocks off with another man, and go home to his loving wife and not think a thing (except perhaps guilt and shame at those pesky same sex attractions in the first place). This is somewhat of a generalization and not ALL women need emotional connection and not ALL men can or do engage in meaningless sex. But, the differences are pronounced and well documented.

What this all means for you, no one knows. That's why, based on your earlier thread, it's so important for him to be in counseling to sort all this out and see where you both stand.

Good luck to you. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
(*8*)
 
The truth is I am not doing very well at all. Some days I think I am doing good, then the next all I want to do is cry. I feel cheated on in some ways, then other times I feel that what he did, he did it so it wasn't cheating. I guess for me, what it boils down to is that I just wasn't enough for him, therefore I feel cheated and betrayed. I know everyone has different ways to look at this, just like cyber cheating.

The legal issues hopefully will be resolved in a month or so, he hired an attorney to help him through it all, he just wants to hurry and put that behind him. He sees a counselor next week for an evaluation. But the counselor is one who specializes in addictions, which is what they think his actions stem from. I on the other hand think it goes much deeper than that. So we've been trying to find some place to help us both to understand. Today has been one of those days that I just want to call him and cry and plead with him to make me understand, but how can he make me understand when he doesn't himself?

I think there is a bi issue with him. I don't ever see him admitting this. He's always been one of these manly men, ya know what I mean? There is no way he'll admit to himself, let alone me.

I'll probably go to my grave wondering about this issue.
again, thanks for your reply.
Diane
 
>>>I think there is a bi issue with him. I don't ever see him admitting this. He's always been one of these manly men, ya know what I mean? There is no way he'll admit to himself, let alone me. I'll probably go to my grave wondering about this issue.

Again, this is what the counseling is for. To dig down, find out where the problems are, and work on solving them. I hope for your sakes you're able to find a counselor who can do this for you two. Good luck. We're all pulling for you. (*8*)

Lex
 
Diane, I'm not sure what you mean by a "bi" issue. Are you thinking that he's bi but doesn't know it or that he's bi and doesn't like it?
 
diane, check out this therapist he's seeing. My experience has been that addiction counselors tend to see things in terms of "addictions" which can be off-the-mark in this case. While jacking off to men in a park *may* be a "sexual addiction" (whatever that is), it very well may also be, in his mind, his only outlet for same sex behavior--behavior that is expressed in this way, and not "addictive" in the least. This would be like going to a real estate attorney to file for bankruptcy.

Framing it as an "addiction" misses the point, almost entirely. He needs to delve deeply into his psyche and figure out who he is. Then, he needs to be upfront with you. Having an "addictions counselor" take him down this mine-field laden inner journey worries me.

You deserve some answers, and the sooner the better. I hope you get some and I wish the best for both of you. Just know that, if he IS bi, that does not necessarily mean the end of your and his relationship. That's solely for you two to decide. Granted, this bit of information may be a surprise (to put it mildly) for both of you, but remember, he's still the same man he always was. You just know a bit more now, and he perhaps realizes a bit more. Hang in there. Keep in touch with us.
(*8*)
 
Diane, hang in there. You are going to have some rough days, but it will get better. As bad as this seems now, you will probably look back at it in a couple years and see it was a blessing in disguise. As you said in your first post, you knew something wasn't right even before he was arrested. Now at least the problem is out in the open and being dealt with.

To answer your question, yes there are many gay guys who are or have been married. There are also many bi guys who are married. I'm sure there are many reasons for this and I certainly don't know or understand them all. Fortunately I never made it to marriage, but I did long for the socially acceptable "normal" life (i.e. wife, kids, suburban home, etc.). Some guys believe they can repress their feelings, while others don't even understand what their feelings are. I also believe that sexuality has many shades of gray. Some guys are totally straight, some are totally gay and many are somewhere in-between.

You mentioned that you feel you weren't enough for him. I understand where that feeling could come from, but please don't blame yourself. This issue is totally about what is going on in his head. There is nothing you could have done to change that. My bet is that he has struggled with this for decades.

I'm so glad that you are checking into counseling. I must say, I'm very impressed with the way you are handling all of this.
 
-Grow up
-Possibly college
-Get a job
-Get married
-Have kids

People think that's what your suppose to do, and what "makes" you happy, and the "right" thing to do.

Non of my relatives know i'm gay, so all my relatives keep asking "Do you have a gf yet?". My mom finally got it thru her head that when i said i dont want to get married, that i mean i dont want to get married.....like the marriage i would want would ever be legal in NC anyway.....*sigh*. Anyway, she asked me "your not gonna give me grandkids?", First thing that popped in my head "I'm suppose to have kids to make you happy instead of wanting kids for myself?", anyway, i told her no and that my sister can have kids when she's ready.

The reason i dont tell relatives i'm gay is cuz they're religious and think people who are gay is cuz they either are fucked in the head or they're evil (actually that came from my mom), blah blah blah, u get the picture.
 
Diane

There are probably many thousands of gay men who married, either because they were conditioned from birth that gay is bad or that they just could not come to terms with their sexuality or that they truly may have fallen in love at a particular time with the woman they married.

When men who know they are gay cynically marry an unsuspecting woman in order to conceal their true self from family or the business world, they have commited a terrible act and one always hopes that their spouse manages to strip them of everything on the way out. It is usually more complex than this though; most men in these relationships only gradually become aware of the huge hole in their lives and some only come to terms with their true sexuality many years after they have been married.

It has nothing to do with you not being enough for him. This only diminishes you and that is not the issue here.

The best thing in the world is for each of you to have your own freedom and to hopefully remain caring and supportive, despite the great disappointment in a failed marriage.

You have every right to feel cheated and betrayed, but I think that after you have some counselling, you'll hopefully understand that it wasn't born of malice or a desire to deceive.
 
Diane, I thought these two passages in two posts above were particularly compelling:

To answer your question, yes there are many gay guys who are or have been married. There are also many bi guys who are married. I'm sure there are many reasons for this and I certainly don't know or understand them all. Fortunately I never made it to marriage, but I did long for the socially acceptable "normal" life (i.e. wife, kids, suburban home, etc.). Some guys believe they can repress their feelings, while others don't even understand what their feelings are. I also believe that sexuality has many shades of gray. Some guys are totally straight, some are totally gay and many are somewhere in-between.

and

FRZBGLFR said:
I have been married 3 times and each time I did it because I thought I could bury the gay side of me. I thought by living the life that I was tought to live from my parents and people at church that I would be happy and have the best. Well that really wasn't the case. I am now on my 3rd divorce and it will be finalised at the end of the month. It has been a hard time for me with all my wives. I never cheated on them with man or did anything with a guy. That happen between wife 2 & 3 and I ran away from him to wife 3. I understand your comment about the confusion and he being a manly man and not admiting anything, but he has to someday for his own peace of mine. Yes he is probably bisexual. But what you need to do for you is just accept that he is and can't admit it, and deal with it the best you can and move on. It is gonna take some time but I think you will be fine.

I have had to come to terms with the fact that being gay and having an attraction to men is a part of who I am. It doesn't define me, but it is a part of me and now I am much happier because I can't deny that part. I have a partner now and he has been in my life for a very long time and we are both discovering a life together. I spent 3 marriages and many years searching for what I wanted and even though I knew it was right in front of me in my best friend. I didn't want to see it and turned the other way. I do feel sometimes that I have wasted those years of my life and not only my but my wives aswell. The only truly good thing out my marriages are my two amazing children.

What is happening to you now is not your fault remember that. You have done nothing wrong......

There aren't any easy answers to this, but I think this captures not only my own experience, but what I have experienced in other married men who have been in your husband's situation. I hope it helps. Know that NONE of this is your fault and nothing about you enabled/nourished this happening. This is about your husband.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
 
Diane, my heart breaks for you and your husband. I am one of the married gay men here. I have been married for 22 years and I have been faithful to my wife the whole time (well ok there was one time i kissed a guy once....sort of moment of passion...no excuses...i know) any way i was told that if I got married I would go to heaven, be freed from my "sin" and basically cured.

Well that didn't happen. I was in therapy for victims of sex abuse and one night my therapist says to me: "you know, when you finish this group, you are still going to be gay" I was so floored, shocked, hurt, sad, humiliated that I didn't know what to do. I went to my brother in laws house and told him, drove home (three hours) and told my wife. that was like 2 years ago maybe three now and we are still trying to figure out what to do...

I love my wife, she is my friend, i love my children, i don't care to much about the church or god right now cuz i fucked up for them...and i have hurt the people i love the most. I recently came out to my two oldest daughters and they are very accepting of me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so alone, I can't have sex with my wife appropriately so I don't have sex, I just can't get into vaginas and all. I don't know if this has helped you but i am sorry that you must go through this...
 
The reason why gay men marry straight women is, and has always been, homophobia. In socities where gay men are routinely murdered by private citizens or by the state, or where homosexuals are not afforded the same rights and liberties as heterosexuals, it's easy to understand why gay men might prefer to pass as straight if they can.
 
Hi Diane,

Sorry you are hurting. Reading all the posts in these threads is a reminder of how close I came 20 years ago to getting into a similar situation. I don't remember reading where you are located, but I have seen support groups advertised in several cities. Might be of assistance?

http://straightspouse.org/who.shtml

Peace!(*8*)
 
Hi Diane,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Ok having lived with this myself, I can only give you my story....

I too have always know i am bi/gay or whatever, i knew that i would always be confused about my future and how i believed i wanted it to be..... i grew up in Zimbabwe, where being Gay was just not an option, there was and still is not really any gay scene , and if anything is done its behind VERY closed doors.....

Anyways, i truely believed that i would always have to live the life that was considered normal, which i decided was just the way it had to be , being gay was just not an opion !

I meet and feel in love with my wife , and we where together for 6 years... most of the time it was good, there where alot of family issues and we where not really suited to each other... we have a gorgeous son who is 5 nearly and in 2005 we finally decided that life together just was making us happy.

The decision to split had nothing to do with me being gay/bi , it was about the fact we never really where meant to be together.

Only after we split did i finally decide to live my life the way i wanted, we had moved to the UK in 1997 so the opportunity to be " me " was alot easier.. if not VERY scary!

I was still not sure if it was the right thing to do, and i went out alot , having fun with the intention of just having fun and seeing where things took me.

I had encounters with women , and then i meet the person who made everything i ever thought about life possible..... and to my suprise , it turned out to be a man...

I quess they the saying about things happening for a reason is true. I was not looking " true love " at the time , it found me, and i can honestly say that it could of been a women or man.

I look back on my life now and , even though i only started my " real " life aged 32, its been the most amazing and fulfilling time in my life. i have experience true love , don;t get me wrong , i loved and still love my wife very much , we have a good relationship , and i thank god for the past becoz without it i would not have the most important person in my life, my son Logan.

We all have our journeys to go on , and sometimes life takes us down a path that , we feel is not the right one, only to teach us a lesson at the end, which you take with you always.

I hope that your situation will resolve itself and you and your husband are able to , no matter what, remain friends.

You obviously love/loved him very much and if anything, i think he will need a friend at this time, when he tries to discover what is goin on in his life. Its a pretty scary time for us all, when you look in the mirror and discover your not the person you thought you where and looking at you is a differenet , exciting and slightly scared person , who you so want to get to know.

Be there for him and try to understand, i am sure he has no intention of ever hurting you .

good luck..
alx
 
Hi Diane,

I too, have advice: Calmly walk to the kitchen pantry. Select a sturdy frypan with a good solid handle, perhaps the one his mother gave you shortly after you were married - an insinuation that your cooking skills needed improving. Then start swinging- Smash lamps, knock off the trinkets from the sideboard - don't forget the wedding picture hanging on the wall. When he reacts to the commotion let him have it - and aim for the genitals. Spare...no.... mercy.

That's the way I would have wanted it. But she showed no emotion. We were divorced before I understood and accepted I was gay, but she had her suspicions, and I took 14 years from her life and she hasn't even dated since. Diane you are very far from alone. I'm sure there is other support networks out there for women in your situation but you have stumbled into our little queen sized corner of cyberspace, and we welcome you.

Now pour yourself a sherry and read the following thread started by married men coming out:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=82857

Remember that behind every post on this thread the writers have multiple other posts that you can search on my clicking on their screen name. We understand the hurt and frustration we have caused, and if we could change it we would. But try as we might we cannot change the past and all we can do is pick up the pieces and move forward.

For reaching out and trying to find answers that deep down you don't want to hear earns you my deepest respect and admiration. Good luck to you.
 
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