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Married, but in love with men...

  • Thread starter Thread starter heymaniii
  • Start date Start date
H

heymaniii

Guest
I will have been married for twenty years this week. We have a great relationship and family. But I have been interested in men since I can remember. I did the right thing by my family and church and got married. For the last 6 years I have been meeting men for sex and it is great. I am in counseling for it and my wife is aware, hoping for me to reform. I wish I could just meet up with a few play friends married and or gay and just stay married. Anybody else in this situation?](*,)
 
I'm sorry to hear of your situation and I'm glad that you're getting counselling. I'm not very good at giving advice to married guys but all I'll say is that I commend you for coming out to your wife instead of hooking up with guys behind her back. I'm not sure if I condone such acts, but I wish you all the best.
 
Hey there, I usually get on my high horse about this kind of thing, 'cos I find it pathetic that someone would cheat behind a wife's back - but you've told your wife about it and you're addressing the problem, so I commend you on that.

Unfortunately, it isn't going to make a difference. All you'll succeed in doing is continueing the current situation of a miserable tempted husband, a miserable patient wife, and some seriously confused kids.

You've made the first step by acknowledgeing that it needs addressed, but you need to do the right thing and end your marriage with your wife, move out, tell your kids, and live the kind of life you have always dreamed that you could.

This will allow your wife to carry on with her life, giving her time to find someone who she can be with and be happy with, it'll give you time to do the same. Once you're both happy, you'll have a great relationship. She sounds like a nice woman if she's being patient about the whole thing.

If there is no animosity between you and your wife, then your kids will probably be fine. If you drag this on and waste your wife's life, then your kids will resent you for messing their mother about and wasting her time.

The people who pressured you into this horrible scenario can go fuck themselves, but you can't blame them entirely. They're just the influence, the decision was yours, and it's about time you made another one for everybody's sake.
 
Sorry guy for your situation. But, I have a problem with the words "Did the right ting" for whom???? The right thing I think would have been to walked away from the relationship and enjoyed your lifestyle. I know a lot of guys, including ministers, who have done the right thing and are so miserable. The truth as far as the church is, they will take your money, accept you (because you are married so must be straight) but dont even let a hit to any one that your gay. If you dont know Kirk Tally, the gospel singer, great guy, goggle him and learn what the church did to him. Now that I have venter, believe it or not I AM A CHRISTIAN!!Cheers!
 
(Playing Devil's advocate): Marriage is a ceremony created by people for the satisfaction and benefit of people. I don't believe in "the sanctity of marriage" concept for one split second. A promise, however, is a matter of conscience, integrity and civilization, and I do hold that concept sacred because if we didn't, we would have complete chaos in this world.
 
As much as I want to criticize, I’m not. But I am curious to know, why did you get married in the first place?
 
You should try it, you might not like it as you think.
 
How were those 20 years of marriage? What made you pursue men after 14 years? Was it a sexual thing? Did you not get satisfied at home anymore? Having sex with other people when you are married is cheating, unless of course you have an understading with your wife to actively engage in sex with different partners. You should evaluate if you are happy with the family that you have built and if that happiness is worth the sacrifice of not pursuing sex with men anymore. If you are not happy with your current situation, then you should be honest with your wife and your family; you will not be able to lead a happy life if you have to lie to them every time your genitals lead you to sex with another person. Good luck with your decision!
 
You can't have your cake and eat it too...specially, since there are people being hurt in the process...I think you have reached the point in your life and in your marriage where your true sexual preference had been confirmed and therapy isn't going to work. Give yourself a break and live and enjoy the rest of your life being free to be who you are and to do as you please; and let your wife do the same. It's not too late for her to find another man that she can be sexually compatible with.
Life is too short ...
 
Some of you guys make it sound so simple. If it were now and I were making the same decision I know what I would have done. Back in the mid 80's when I made this decision to marry, someone I did and do love it was not as simple. At that time gay in the area I lived in was just clubs, sex and orgys. I was younger then and a lot of dirty old men hitting on me all the time.

Now men are more free to live the life they choose. I appreciate you comments, thank you. Just remember when you judge, you should think about the time these decisions were made.

I know there are a lot of men in the same boat. I realize I will always have this attraction, I know I can't have both. It is a tough decision to make. We also have a home, cars, friends, finanaces to consider too. Only someone in a long term relationship can understand where I am at. That can be gay and straight.

I know a lot of gay men in committed relationship who play around behind their SO's back.:!:
 
Please do apologize if I sounded judgemental, for that was not my intention at all. I have been married for over ten years now and although I am lucky enough to share my interest openly with my family, I understand how difficult it must have been for you to keep these feeling in the dark for so many years. Your family is very important to you, as it should be, and you should put that consideration ahead of anything when deciding your future. Sometimes, the best decision is the one that benefits the group, and not necessarily you.
 
Thanks educa, for your understanding. I just wrote the original blog to get unbiased opinions.
 
I hate it when people pounce on these kind of posts from on high - "you should never do this", "don't get married if you know you have these feelings" etc etc.

What they fail to appreciate is the overpowering pressure that society and family still exerts on men to fit in and behave like good little heterosexuals. This pressure is constant, all-pervading and cannot be ignored. It's why men get married to women even though they feel attracted to other men.

Hooray! if newer generations don't feel that pressure, but spare a thought for others - who aren't quite so young or don't live in large metropolitan centres where opportunities to meet others of your own kind are more readily to be had.
 
Paladin said:
IWhat they fail to appreciate is the overpowering pressure that society and family still exerts on men to fit in and behave like good little heterosexuals. This pressure is constant, all-pervading and cannot be ignored. It's why men get married to women even though they feel attracted to other men.

Hooray! if newer generations don't feel that pressure, but spare a thought for others - who aren't quite so young or don't live in large metropolitan centres where opportunities to meet others of your own kind are more readily to be had.
Click to expand...

Yup, make no mistake. The pressure has been here ever since. And it ain't getting any better. And we all feel that pressure all the time. That bit has not changed.

What has changed is the fact that a few guys had the guts to withstand the pressure and not cave in. Other guys, who were actually watching the events, soon realized that the whole 'pressure thing' was nothing more but a soap bubble filled with some nice hot air. Even if you caved in and turned into 'a good little heterosexual', they wanted you to be, you still had to put food on your kitchen table, pay your kids' dental bills, and you still got laid off, even though you were struggling to pay off your mortgage and save up a few bucks, so that the kids could go to college... your wife possibly cheated on you and, if you got a divorce, you were ruined completely...

Over the time, it dawned on many gay dudes that 'pressure' was largely immaterial. Caving-in in a comformist fashion sounded appealing at first but offered virtually no tangible benefits. In simple terms, you were being screwed big time and you even did not know it...

...

Nothing in life is really easy and simple, if it is worth doing.

It is your life and you need to make decisions that would be right for all of you.

Do whatever you deem is right, but do not compromise and do not cave in to any pressure.

SC
 
I completely agree and I commend filipbong for saying what I was thinking when I read the thread.

At least you came out to your wife; you've done something that many can't seem to bring themselves to do. You've proven that you can be honest.

The next few steps are up to you.

filipbong said:
You can't have your cake and eat it too...specially, since there are people being hurt in the process...I think you have reached the point in your life and in your marriage where your true sexual preference had been confirmed and therapy isn't going to work. Give yourself a break and live and enjoy the rest of your life being free to be who you are and to do as you please; and let your wife do the same. It's not too late for her to find another man that she can be sexually compatible with.
Life is too short ...
Click to expand...
 
heymaniii said:
I know a lot of gay men in committed relationship who play around behind their SO's back.:!:
Click to expand...

So long as your wife is fully aware of what you do and who you do it with, then I don't see that anyone else has a right to stand in judgement of you and what you do. Whatever TWO consenting adults decide to do with their lives is up to them.

It works the same for gays and well as str8's. Committed relationships (whether they be open, closed or in between) are based on trust that the other person will be true to whatever has been agreed. When you break that trust, you run the very real risk, that you will break the relationship.
 
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