I know that this is by no means a unique situation to be in, but it is causing me a lot of grief and I was hoping, if not for advice, then at least perhaps for commiseration…
I am a married gay guy increasingly falling in love with a married straight guy. I am trying to sort through the pieces in my mind of how I ended up in this impossible predicament but I guess unsurprisingly it has to do both with me and with him. My husband and I are both in our mid 30s. We’ve been married for 7 years and together for 15, since college. We work well together as a couple in general. We have different interests/hobbies but similar values systems and goals in life. I trust him with my life, as a husband should. However, over the years, things cooled off a bit in the passion department. We are barely intimate these days, but I think that both of us are too embarrassed or afraid to talk about it and so we have become more or less roommates who share a bed and a bank account. Don’t get me wrong – we still get along perfectly fine in all the other ways: we rarely fight, we have interesting conversations, we enjoy spending time together. But there isn’t really a romantic feeling to it anymore. This has been bothering me for a long time, and I assumed it was just what happens after people are together for this many years. But I’m still only in my 30s, and so naturally have romantic and sexual urges. I know that I should be working those out with my husband, but somehow it feels like we’ve developed an unspoken agreement not to talk about it, focusing instead on what’s good about our relationship. Honestly, at this point, I’m less sexually attracted to him because of our sexual estrangement, so it becomes a vicious cycle. I think all of this sets the stage for where this other guy comes in.
The Other Guy is a few years older, straight, married, and very good looking. I met him standing in a long line for a COVID test (how romantic), as it turns out that we live pretty near each other. We started chatting and I could tell almost instantly that we clicked. We had such an easy rapport and natural chemistry. He struck me as extremely intelligent, witty and creative, but also a genuinely nice guy. He seems to be the kind of person who makes friends without even trying. We exchanged numbers and started texting more or less every day, for increasingly long periods of time – up to hours – on a huge variety of subjects. He seemed to know something about pretty much everything, and has had a lot more interesting life experiences to draw on than I have. After a week or two of this, we went out on a double date – he and his wife, and my husband and I. The dinner was a smashing success; everyone had a great time and we were off to the races. Before long we were having double date dinners every week, and he and I also started hanging out just the two of us once or twice a week. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about, and with every meeting, I felt more drawn in by his charisma. Honestly I’ve never met anyone as magnetic as he is. I couldn’t believe my luck to have found him to spice up my life, after feeling in such a rut (especially what with COVID lockdown). More than that, I couldn’t believe that someone as cool as him wanted to be friends with me. I even wondered whether there was some sort of long con going on here, but, no, he is just a great guy who in only a matter of months has become my closest friend (well, not counting my husband, of course).
When we hang out just the two of us, we spend several hours out together. If someone didn’t know the backstory, they’d think we were on a date. And really, to me, it started to feel that way. But because he’s straight, I felt like it was okay to be on a “date” with him – it’s not like we’re going to end up kissing goodnight at the end (though he does have a strong hug game). But then again, I have started to wonder a bit if there isn’t some mutual attraction there. We’ve talked about some really intimate and personal things, and I can tell that we do perform a little bit for each other – try to put our best foot forward, in that way people do on dates, and we even flatter each other with compliments. There’s that good-date electricity in the air between us when we’re together. I can especially feel it in how he looks into my eyes when we talk. I’m probably just overinterpreting all of this, but really it doesn’t just feel like two dudes hanging. All of this has made me wonder whether he could be emotionally attracted to me in a more-than-a-friend kind of way, even if not sexually, if that’s even a thing. He told me that he’s never been attracted sexually to men, and I believe that it’s true. He’s one of those super-chill straight guys who likes going to gay clubs because the dancing is better, has chosen to live with openly gay roommates in the past, and knows more gay lingo than I do. He’s from a liberal family in a liberal region and not religious. So, if he wanted to get it on with a guy, I feel like he would have done it already without a second thought. He did, however, tell me in some detail about his VERY extensive sex life with women before he was married.
Somewhere along the line, I admitted to myself that I wasn’t just viewing him as a friend anymore. And now recently, I’ve started wondering whether it may even be “love”, or at least something like it. When we’re together, I feel high as a kite and don’t want the evening to end. More than that, I think about him all the time even when we’re not together. Every time I get a text, my heart skips a beat that it might be him, and then if it’s not, I feel let down. I overanalyze everything – whether I should text him or wait for him to text me, or worry that I’ve said the wrong thing or that the bromance is simmering down. I know this all sounds pretty insane, and I admit it feels like it too. I don’t WANT to feel this way, but I can’t help it. My husband is no dummy – he notices these things too and I can tell that it bothers him a little bit how much time I spend texting with The Other Guy. He’s also made some passive-aggressive comments that were honestly deserved. I’ve tried hard not to mention him in conversation with my husband so that it’s not throwing it in his face, but we do go out with him and his wife every week still. But somehow this still hasn’t gotten us talking about the deeper lack of intimacy in our own relationship.
So, overall, I know there’s no solution here. The Other Guy is straight and married, and of course I’m married too. At least on my side I’d call it an “emotional affair,” and even though The Other Guy may not feel that way exactly, something tells me that our bond is more than just a run of the mill friendship for him too. I guess I should be satisfied with this, and maybe even happy that I can get a bit of a thrill back in my life without any possibility of cheating on my husband (at least physically). But I need to somehow get it through my head that this is all it is and all it can be. I need to stop thinking so much about The Other Guy and focus more on my actual relationship. I’ve thought of trying to distance myself from him, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Have any of you had an experience like this? Advice? At least some kind of word of support?
(Sorry for the super long post!)
I am a married gay guy increasingly falling in love with a married straight guy. I am trying to sort through the pieces in my mind of how I ended up in this impossible predicament but I guess unsurprisingly it has to do both with me and with him. My husband and I are both in our mid 30s. We’ve been married for 7 years and together for 15, since college. We work well together as a couple in general. We have different interests/hobbies but similar values systems and goals in life. I trust him with my life, as a husband should. However, over the years, things cooled off a bit in the passion department. We are barely intimate these days, but I think that both of us are too embarrassed or afraid to talk about it and so we have become more or less roommates who share a bed and a bank account. Don’t get me wrong – we still get along perfectly fine in all the other ways: we rarely fight, we have interesting conversations, we enjoy spending time together. But there isn’t really a romantic feeling to it anymore. This has been bothering me for a long time, and I assumed it was just what happens after people are together for this many years. But I’m still only in my 30s, and so naturally have romantic and sexual urges. I know that I should be working those out with my husband, but somehow it feels like we’ve developed an unspoken agreement not to talk about it, focusing instead on what’s good about our relationship. Honestly, at this point, I’m less sexually attracted to him because of our sexual estrangement, so it becomes a vicious cycle. I think all of this sets the stage for where this other guy comes in.
The Other Guy is a few years older, straight, married, and very good looking. I met him standing in a long line for a COVID test (how romantic), as it turns out that we live pretty near each other. We started chatting and I could tell almost instantly that we clicked. We had such an easy rapport and natural chemistry. He struck me as extremely intelligent, witty and creative, but also a genuinely nice guy. He seems to be the kind of person who makes friends without even trying. We exchanged numbers and started texting more or less every day, for increasingly long periods of time – up to hours – on a huge variety of subjects. He seemed to know something about pretty much everything, and has had a lot more interesting life experiences to draw on than I have. After a week or two of this, we went out on a double date – he and his wife, and my husband and I. The dinner was a smashing success; everyone had a great time and we were off to the races. Before long we were having double date dinners every week, and he and I also started hanging out just the two of us once or twice a week. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about, and with every meeting, I felt more drawn in by his charisma. Honestly I’ve never met anyone as magnetic as he is. I couldn’t believe my luck to have found him to spice up my life, after feeling in such a rut (especially what with COVID lockdown). More than that, I couldn’t believe that someone as cool as him wanted to be friends with me. I even wondered whether there was some sort of long con going on here, but, no, he is just a great guy who in only a matter of months has become my closest friend (well, not counting my husband, of course).
When we hang out just the two of us, we spend several hours out together. If someone didn’t know the backstory, they’d think we were on a date. And really, to me, it started to feel that way. But because he’s straight, I felt like it was okay to be on a “date” with him – it’s not like we’re going to end up kissing goodnight at the end (though he does have a strong hug game). But then again, I have started to wonder a bit if there isn’t some mutual attraction there. We’ve talked about some really intimate and personal things, and I can tell that we do perform a little bit for each other – try to put our best foot forward, in that way people do on dates, and we even flatter each other with compliments. There’s that good-date electricity in the air between us when we’re together. I can especially feel it in how he looks into my eyes when we talk. I’m probably just overinterpreting all of this, but really it doesn’t just feel like two dudes hanging. All of this has made me wonder whether he could be emotionally attracted to me in a more-than-a-friend kind of way, even if not sexually, if that’s even a thing. He told me that he’s never been attracted sexually to men, and I believe that it’s true. He’s one of those super-chill straight guys who likes going to gay clubs because the dancing is better, has chosen to live with openly gay roommates in the past, and knows more gay lingo than I do. He’s from a liberal family in a liberal region and not religious. So, if he wanted to get it on with a guy, I feel like he would have done it already without a second thought. He did, however, tell me in some detail about his VERY extensive sex life with women before he was married.
Somewhere along the line, I admitted to myself that I wasn’t just viewing him as a friend anymore. And now recently, I’ve started wondering whether it may even be “love”, or at least something like it. When we’re together, I feel high as a kite and don’t want the evening to end. More than that, I think about him all the time even when we’re not together. Every time I get a text, my heart skips a beat that it might be him, and then if it’s not, I feel let down. I overanalyze everything – whether I should text him or wait for him to text me, or worry that I’ve said the wrong thing or that the bromance is simmering down. I know this all sounds pretty insane, and I admit it feels like it too. I don’t WANT to feel this way, but I can’t help it. My husband is no dummy – he notices these things too and I can tell that it bothers him a little bit how much time I spend texting with The Other Guy. He’s also made some passive-aggressive comments that were honestly deserved. I’ve tried hard not to mention him in conversation with my husband so that it’s not throwing it in his face, but we do go out with him and his wife every week still. But somehow this still hasn’t gotten us talking about the deeper lack of intimacy in our own relationship.
So, overall, I know there’s no solution here. The Other Guy is straight and married, and of course I’m married too. At least on my side I’d call it an “emotional affair,” and even though The Other Guy may not feel that way exactly, something tells me that our bond is more than just a run of the mill friendship for him too. I guess I should be satisfied with this, and maybe even happy that I can get a bit of a thrill back in my life without any possibility of cheating on my husband (at least physically). But I need to somehow get it through my head that this is all it is and all it can be. I need to stop thinking so much about The Other Guy and focus more on my actual relationship. I’ve thought of trying to distance myself from him, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Have any of you had an experience like this? Advice? At least some kind of word of support?
(Sorry for the super long post!)
