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Married, gay, where now

joeG23

joeG23

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After a couple of months 'support' from the jub family, I came out to my wife earlier this year - Friday 13th! It was a very emotional time, as you can imagine - we're married more than 20 years, get on well with one another and have young kids we adore and are really proud of. I'd come out to a close friend earlier that evening. I don't know what I was hoping for when I came out. I was and am relieved that I am not holding my 'secret' to myself, I imagine i hoped I would begin to live a more honest life, and a more open one with other friends. But that hasn't happend, she's worried that by outing myself I am in a sense outing her and the kids, which I can understand and respect. And I've not had the opportunity with the others (I have only a few close friends). So now we're both in the closet.

Initially we talked a lot, bought books on married gay men (she didn't read them) but talk tailed off - from her perspective things have changed. She reads any gloomy mood as dissatisfaction with my sexuality and is constantly 'worried about me'. I have lots of other pressures than my sexuality. But it is there.

I work in an environment where there are lots of younger people, but everywhere I look there are good looking guys who I obsess about (if I was hetero I'd probably be doing it too I suppose). But they are unattainable. The gap - of not having a guy - is a huge one to fill and every hot guy I see becomes a reminder of the man I cannot have.

I have a strong sense of duty and obligation to my family and am being torn apart by my own personal 'selfish' need and the realisation that it is unlikely to be fulfilled.

In recent months I have been hitting chatrooms, messing around on cam, but have also made links with a couple of guys who I regard more as friends than virtual fuckbuddies. But, if anything, that makes the sense of isolation much harder.

This is more a moan than a question. Sorry guys and thanks for those of you who have lasted the pace. It's the 'how can I have my cake and eat it' quesion. How do I reconcile my lives and get some degree of peace and equilibrium?
 
all i can think of is: where do you want to go from here?

does your wife expect you to lead a hetero life from here on?
what are you really considering? do you think you can stand it?

i admire that you have stood by your word this long. i really do.
 
"I have a strong sense of duty and obligation to my family and am being torn apart by my own personal 'selfish' need and the realization that it is unlikely to be fulfilled."

First I congratulate you for the courage and personal strength to come out to your wife. That took guts.

But I don't feel that your being "selfish" to acknowledge your sexual desires and feelings about other guys. You decided to come out and act honestly. Now you need to be honest about your other needs.

I think before you can be totally free to experience true love and lust, you need to come to some sort of agreement with your wife and family. I am not a believer of "open marriages or relationships." Intimacy works best with only two. You can still be a good provider, father, mentor, and friend when divorced and living on your own. I'm sure the freedom of loving will make you a better person, father. I've seen this in other couples. It can work.

I wish you all the best.
 
I'm probably on your ignore list, and my opinion probably doesn't mean much to you.

But hey, everyone is entitled to my opinion, so here goes.

Sometimes your "duty" isn't what you might think it is.

In this case, I think that your duty and obligation is to allow your wife and best friend to move on. She too deserves a lover who craves to be with her, she too deserves to be with a partner who connects with her on every level, including a sexual one.

You've put in a valiant effort to stay married because you love her and your family, you want to make your family work, but I think that at this point the best way to SAVE your family is to move onto it's next stage. She can still be your best friend, and she can still be a major part of your life.

But I'm not sure she SHOULD continue to be your wife. Both of you should move on while staying close not only for your family's sake but for your own. You and she will always have a special bond and simply living in different places and having different lovers isnt' going to change that.

Being a role model doesn't mean never accepting defeat, it means to know when it's time to make hard decisions, and I think, my friend, that time has come.
 
Soilwork, you are what we call here 'a critical friend'. Your words contain much wisdom, and I appreciate them. It would have been easier if my coming out had gone the route many married revelations seem to. We've found an easy acceptance which deals with things on the surface, but in reality leaves them unresolved.
 
well, then it sounds like you need to force a resolution, doesn't it?

This is the only life you get, you know... nobody is going to do the looking back with regret for either one of you.

The hardest part of love really is letting go, no matter how many cheesy 80s pop tunes wore that cliche out.
 
OH, I'm guilty of staying in a relationship with someone for YEARS even though it was over too.

My last boyfriend Carlo and I were together for 13 years. We're technically still married. (Canadian)

However, after we honestly looked at our lives and our wants, we realized that we had really become two very good friends who loved each other very much and didn't want to hurt the other one even though our romantic relationship had come to an end.

We broke up. It hurt and was hard but we both knew it was for the best.

I moved to LA, and a few months later so did he.

We're now very close friends and he and his new BF and me and my new BF are inseparable. We ride together, hang together and spend a lot of time together.

He's still a very close friend and we're in each other's lives... but we're now in love with different men and our lives are much better.

I'm not sure how my situation is any different from Joe's.
 
Wait.. who said he'd lose custody of his kids?

And who says he needs to move that far away?
 
justaguy said:
There is one crucial difference between your situation and Joe's though. Joe has a couple of kids. It would be a huge change from being in a family situation, tucking the kids in bed, being with them all the time etc ..... to seeing them on weekends for overnight stays. And likewise for the kids.
Click to expand...

I can offer some perspective on that aspect. I have a 4 year old daughter with my ex gf. To be honest, she is the reason we stayed together as long as we did. I couldn't fathom not living with her, tucking her in, cooking dinner, etc. It's been 2 years and I still tear up from time to time when I think about all the little things I miss by not being a live in dad.

But... after a very traumatic year, my ex and I are close friends again. We parent very well together (maybe better than when we were together). I see my daughter on a regular basis and she spends several days a week with my parents and family.

It was tough for my daughter at first. but now that her parents are happy and she has adjusted to us being apart, she is doing amazingly well.

We made the right decision by breaking up.

Oh, and listen to Soil.
 
Thanks Simon, I'm glad things are working out for you and for your daughter. Soilwork likes to think he's tough - but he's a big softie really and has a well of good advice. I'm still trying to find my equilibrium - I know things have to come to a head (no pun intended) and hope I can be courageous when the time comes.
 
Joe... dont' give away my secrets.

Most people here think I'm an a#1 asshole and that I'm mean to anyone who doesn't do my bidding.

Ok, that last part is fair, but I'd like people to believe the first part too.

I know how hard this has been for you, and think you're being a great father and husband to consider everyone that you brought into your life.

Good luck in all you do and please let us know how it's progressing, no matter where it progresses.
 
I came out two years ago to my wife and it has been journey to say the least. I have read many men's stories and not two were alike. There is such a dinamic between the spouses and how you feel about each other, how you get along, etc. I have offered my wife to split, but she doesn't want to so we keep working at what our relationship means.

My only advise to you is to be honest at all times.
 
Thanks guys. The problem for me is that I know the theory, I just have problem with the practice. I also know that enduring some pain now would be better in the long run for everyone. I just can't face up to a discussion about my sexuality with my wife, and neither can she. We are both in some sort of denial, and I just keep hoping that something will turn up to sort it all out. In the meantime, I know I am heading down a road which will led to an affair of some kind (if cyber isn't already that) and the inevitable consequences of that. I thought that coming out to her would be the beginning of something. So far it's been a bit of a dead end.
 
14 years ago, I was where you are now--a gay, married father of 2. Best things I did along the way were:

1.) First 2 years: extensive travel to gay meccas to fully experience my homoerotic social and sensual nature - I did Key West, Palm Springs, Montreal, SF, NYC, Hotlanta -- about 4 one week trips per year, which allowed me to develop a wide range of relationships from close freinds to f-buddies, and passionate repeat lovers in between; I needed to be 100% AWAY from my wife to be myself-- and glad I took the time for myself;

2.) I ultimately (after 1.75 years negotiation) moved out of my marriage and created my own true-to-self world, with a carefully negotiated divorce-- yes, very slow and very painful, although the kids at 9 and 11 ultimately chose to live in my world 80% of the time and I became the proverbial gay dad -- providing an "Auntie Mame" (do read the Patrick Dennis novel) world of art, creativity and theater for my kids (who have turned out as fantastic adults);

3.) Ultimately I came to forget about my wife altogether- there was nothing she could actually DO for me emotionally or otherwise. I had to forgive and embrace myself -- that only took 10 years to accomplish entirely...but as for my wife (we were together 17 years), while she was very "supportive" (and I read all the books you did), there came a point -- about 2-4 years down the gay trail-- that her lonliness and sense of abandonment brought her to a spirit of vengence, blackmail and poisonous gossip. (This is the reason the kids ultimately petitioned the court to be placed in my custody.) Your sexuality will provide her an easy, credible handle for bashing you-- when the day comes. Be ready: be yourself now, build a life. Your kids do and will always love you for who you are-- their dad.

Good luck staying the course. It's a long long journey, but well worth it. My kids thank me today for having moved out, moved on and made a place for them to grow up around a parent who loved who he was and loved them as they were.
 
Chief, thanks so much for sharing your story.

As hard as it is to swallow, sometimes we need to be reminded that there has to be a fight for everything good... there has to be a journey to that happy place.
 
Thanks Chief. Somehow I have got to find the strength to face up to reality I guess, and do what I constantly urge others to do - seize the day and make the life for themselves they want to live.
 
A lot of good stuff to think about. I have your problem Joe, I always hope that things will sort themselfs out, but they don't. I still do magical thinking sometimes. I guess in my case I am afraid of emotional emptiness. My wife is my friend still, so that part is hard. Any way good luck to you and thank you Soil work and Chief for your comments.
 
Magical thinking, what a great phrase. I have a high need for affection and as a result find it difficult to say no to people, or to do things which will hurt them and in turn lead to their possible rejection of me. It leads to dishonesty and an unwillingness to be open, frank and honest. I also believe that it is wrong to be 'selfish' and am therefore unwilling to do something which will affect others detrimentally - wife, kids, family. I know that it is better to be up-front and to deal with the consequences in a mature way. But the words fail me when I need to find them.
 
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