Married men and the Gay community

[Lube]

Well, I was married for over a decade, grew up in the 70's and 80's when homosexuality wasn't tolerated much and when the AIDS crisis was in full force.

But I never cheated on my wife. I was in denial. "I'm not gay," you see.

So I don't really fit into the category the OP was talking about.

Like Soilwork, I have no respect for guys who cheat on their none-the-wiser wives.

As soon as I admitted to myself I was gay, I was determined to come out and be happy with who I was. I came on JUB a little over a year ago as a frightened man who was just beginning to understand who he was.

A year later, with the help of many JUBonians, I've come out to everyone: friends, family, coworkers. Everyone. I never had sex with a man until I separated from my wife and asked her for a divorce. I respected her too much for that (unfortunately, she didn't respect me as much, but that's another story). I'm now divorced and will soon be moving in with my boyfriend. And I couldn't be happier.

Like someone else said, it's 2007. In most parts of the US, there is simply no reason to be in the closet.

And certainly no reason to hide behind a veil of hetero marriage.

 

[Soilwork]

Let's not forget that closeted gay men think that they're allowed to do whatever they want. The people in their lives are just props, so it's ok if they use them.

The world of a closeted gay married man is one of being self-centered.. not giving a shit about anyone but himself.

They think the world owes them whatever they want and owes them the lattitude to vote Republican, shit-talk out men with guts and fuck men in book stores.




(speaking of which, where's BiMarriedMale?)

 

[Soilwork]

by the way, Lube... you rock.

 

[Joshua_me]

From another perspective...

I made the mistake of hooking up with a married man I met online several years ago.

He never made any secret of the fact that he was married, and I was young and stupid, and ended up falling for him emotionally, when I thought it was just going to be a physical thing.

His wife was a surgeon and she was hardly ever at home, so I'd fly all the way to Long Beach a couple of times a month just to be with him. -In their bed- no less. Typing all this 'out loud' makes me feel like an idiot, but that was what happened.

I *know* she was aware what was going on, but seemed content to turn a blind eye to things... All of this changed when one day she announced that she was pregnant, and at that moment I decided to end things right then and there...What we were doing was F-ed up enough, but I wasn't about to drag an innocent kid into things.

My point to all of this is directed to the married guys out there that are fucking around on the DL. It's not always just about you, you know... You risk hurting the feelings and breaking the hearts of the guys you are seeing on the side...

We're more than just tricks sent here to get you off because you don't have the guts to be who you are...

Nothing happens in a vacuum, you can affect people more than you know.

 

[Joshua_me]

Plus, you know it's just plain selfish.

It amazes me how some guys will just follow their dicks without the slightest regard for how many people could get hurt in the process.

I'm not trying to sound holier than thou, I've done some stupid shit in my time, (see above) but I'd like to think that I took into consideration other people's feelings aside from my own.

 

[JR]

One of the dearest people in the world to me is destroyed. Her husband of 17 years announced he needs to leave to be with his new boyfriend. It is a tragic disaster unfolding daily.

The kids are going to be a mess. The wife is questioning the last 20 years of her life and what a middle-aged woman with children is supposed to start doing with her life.

As one person begins the exciting new life he has apparently always wanted, the others are destroyed and left with the stigma of being idiots whose lives have been a hollow lie.

It is simply cruel.

 

[josher]

^^ JR, I have no problem with someone ending a marriage because they've finally come to terms with their sexual identity.

But your friend's husband has apparently begun his "new life" before the old one was over.

Cruel doesn't even begin to describe it.

Of course straight men do it all the time as well, dumping their partners for a new woman. It just shows how little respect (not to mention affection) they have for their partners.

 

[rotary]

Which countries?

Cuz last time I checked this is what happens to gay men in oh, so many countries!!

My point is, in honor of all those gay men who have to hide who they are for fear of their lives, gay men in non homophobic places should come out and not live a double life.

Of course I'm not talking about countries like Iran. That goes without saying. I mean western nations and the like.

 

[SFMusic]

.... It is, after all, my choice.

Did your wife choose to marry a gay man?

 

[teadrinker]

This is in fact a very complex and difficult issue, and taking a simple high moral ground, while enjoyable, is not useful.

For a while I was a sort of unofficial counsellor to an online group of bi-married men. Many of these men were going through hell; they were married, deeply in love with their wives and kids, but wrestling with their desires for men. For folk who are just straight or just gay, sexual desire is fairly simple, but for the true bisexual (and let me tell you, there are plenty of them), there are no easy answers. Here are some of the options taken by men in the group:

1) do nothing, stay married, try to ignore their m2m desires.

2) stay married, but be involved with another man (this is the option decried by most posters to this thread).

3) leave their families and set up with another man (of course, then the tables are turned; they are now wrestling with their desires for women).

4) large doses of anti-depressants.

5) (attempted) suicide.

Please please guys, try for a little understanding. Try to walk a mile in the other guy's shoes. Try to realize too, that human sexuality is highly fluid: as well as straight and gay, and the continuum between them, there is also a sort of sexual pendulum for many men which can swing in different directions at different times.

As a final remark, I should point out that sociologists have long commented on the fact that "bi-phobia" is rife in the gay community; for this reason many bi men prefer each other's company.

I'll go back under my rock now.

-T.

 

[ambiguity]

^^Teadrinker, while I understand what you mean about how a bi man would suffer either way - and your points are all well taken - this thread was almost exclusively about men who are gay, not bi, and how they decide to try and cover up their sexuality by pretending to be something they are not. It is one thing to stay hidden on your own, but to also use others to help in the cover-up is very wrong. If the women ever find out - and often they do - it can have very adverse affects on those people. They could be reticent to even start a new relationship due to a general mistrust of men. It can also lead to deep seated bitterness toward gay people in general, just because they ended up being used by one.

 

[RonnNY]

Quote:
Originally Posted by RonnNY
.... It is, after all, my choice.

New Quote:
Did your wife choose to marry a gay man?

Yeah, she chose to marry me. She loves me, and I love her. Sorry if you can't understand that.

 

[teadrinker]

^^Teadrinker, while I understand what you mean about how a bi man would suffer either way - and your points are all well taken - this thread was almost exclusively about men who are gay, not bi, and how they decide to try and cover up their sexuality by pretending to be something they are not. It is one thing to stay hidden on your own, but to also use others to help in the cover-up is very wrong. If the women ever find out - and often they do - it can have very adverse affects on those people. They could be reticent to even start a new relationship due to a general mistrust of men. It can also lead to deep seated bitterness toward gay people in general, just because they ended up being used by one.

In that case I'm sorry for my outburst, and if I spoke from misunderstanding the thread then my apologies to you all.

Maybe I should stick to trivial threads about tea....

-T.