Married men coming out

[megustamyn]

I’ve seen many postings from married gay men who are lost, confused, depressed, lonely, etc.


It may be good to have a thread where men who have been heterosexually married tell their coming out story as a form of encouragement.

I don’t have much to tell because my daughters’ mother disappeared from our lives when they were very little and my mother raised them. There was no family drama around my coming out although there was internal turmoil that was relieved through therapy, support groups, family and my church.

My partner’s coming out was more dramatic. His wife caught him in bed with his lover, who was also a colleague, by. He lost his job, his lover and his house and thought he would lose his children. He had never been involved in the gay community but went to New York to find it where he met me about a year later. He’d had a pretty bad year when we first met and he needed my support to get back on his feet, but we’ve been together for many years. It took a while, but we have now good relationships with his children, his parents and other relatives and even his ex-wife.

 

[Eagle653]

Great idea for a thread.

As most regular readers of this forum know, I was married for 17 years, but we did not have children, so at least we didn't have that complication on top of everything else. Within a brief time of the marriage, I realized that my wife had some mental issues that grew more profound with time. While I had always known of my attractions to men too, they never seemed significant to me, and I'm the type of person who can compartmentalize my life tightly. I always have, and probably always will, to the point that certain aspects of my life sometimes never overlap at all.

Around 15 years into the marriage, I knew it was not going to last for a host of complex reasons. Coincentally, at the end, as the marriage was disintegrating anyway, I met a man whom I fell in love with. It started as a crush, I guess, but grew into the most solid love I'd ever known. My feelings for him surprised even me, and precipitated a coming out crisis. What I knew was always there, more or less in the abstract, became very real and undeniable. At that point, I knew changes had to be made in my life.

My wife and I decided to divorce and, in the midst of that, I came out to her. She had a large family, with whom I was close. She outed me to everyone and they immediately broke off all contact with me. That happens--divorces are, by nature, ugly and I expected to lose touch with them anyway, although I missed them and was sad that they didn't see how complex the whole situation was, nor her craziness as a factor in play too. But, oh well.

Once I got out of that situation, I then realized how depressed I had become over the years. Life had new meaning again. Finally (as I've said elsewhere), my heart, head, and genitals were in alignment with one person. I'd never had that before and it felt so good. We've been together for 11 years now and I have him to thank for sticking with me, waiting for me to sort out my feelings, and waiting for me to commit to him. He showed me that life was good, that living honestly as a gay man was possible, and he restored a lot of self-confidence and esteem that had been lost during the "forgotten years" and in the traumatic coming out episodes.

The divorce was ugly, as we inadvertently each hired barracuda lawyers who instigated court battles, delays, and everything they could think of to spike the fees (my partner was even summoned as a witness to adultery, but my lawyer got it squashed). In the end, it cost me over $100,000 in property and cash settlement--and that's without a child custody battle.

Looking back, I did so many things wrong and made so many mis-assumptions, partly because of immaturity at the time and for some other reasons--from getting married in the first place, to staying in it so long, to coming out in some of the most clumsy ways imaginable. But, you know what? I'm finally happy, and I think I finally got it right. There is, indeed, life at the end of the tunnel.

Each marriage and each coming out (or not) route is so personal to the parties involved. Would I recommend my route to others? Hardly. It was just me doing the best I could at any given moment. Some men choose to remain married and closeted; others remain married and come out; others divorce and remain closeted; others divorce and come out. When I've gotten to know men in each category well, I've tended to agree and respect their very personal decisions. It's only when I see someone very unhappy and depressed over their situation that I become concerned and try to give them options. Sometimes there just aren't easy options. That's when it's really sad.

 

[Elwood]

O:K my turn. Well as a kid I fooled around with my best friend until the age of 13, he got a girlfriend and was no longer interested in man to man sex. Then at 16 I got a job working at McDonalds and I befriended a guy named David we became very good friends very quickly. One day I was on the phone with him and he said something along the line of I would like to suck your toes or something like that. I said really and from there we figured out that we liked each other and we started to date. I secretly dated him all through grade 11, everyone just thought we were good friends. I remember his parents would go away a lot so I would sleep over at his house all the time. It was great we had so much fun together and no one was the wiser.

Well David went away to Austria to attend college, I saw him a few times after he left but unfortunately we drifted apart. David was my only boyfriend after him I did what all my other friends were doing, dating girls. Sure the was the occasional hook up with guys but nothing serious. I had maybe three or four girlfriends between the age of 18 and 27 and at 27 I met my ex-wife. At this point all my guy friends had serious girlfriends and I wanted the same (or so I thought). We were dating and for a while the feelings for men went away!After a year of dating we moved in together. Two years later she got pregnant and a 9 months later my twin sons popped out.

After the birth of our children our relationship slowly went down hill. Three years after the birth of our children I was absolutely miserable we were fighting all the time, and I was thinking about men all the time. I remember buying gay porn and hiding it in the basement were she would never find it. I started smoking pot on a daily basis, it numbed me so I wouldn't have to deal with her. I then started gambling and it got out of hand,now there was something else for us to fight about.

I then started working in the film business with my brother and best friend and I remember always complaining to them about my life and how miserable I was. The new job was great and good money but very long hours. So that became just one more thing for my ex to complain about. I loved the long hours because it kept me away from my ex. Well fast forward two years I am still smoking pot on a daily basis still gambling and still fighting regularly with the ex. One day her and I were fighting and I said "If you are so miserable why are we still together?" to which she answered " because you won't leave"

Well that was it for me, I thought to myself I used to be such a happy go lucky guy I was always smiling and happy. What happened to that guy? I had a Doctors appointment and I decided to speak to my DR. I told him about my pot smoking and my gambling and the occassional visits to the sauna's when my wife and kids were out of town. (something I am not proud of by the way) After a few visits with my DR, he said that it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist. By now I had made the discission to leave my ex. and I thought well if anything therapy will help me with leaving my ex.

I went into therapy and it was the best thing I ever did. Through therapy I was able to accept the fact that I was gay. It also really helped me with leaving my ex. My parents had a messy divorce when I was 24 and I didn't want mine to be like that. Oh yeah I should also mention that my therapist convinced my to get into gambling therapy. So I was seeing two therapist a week I think I had all my angles covered. Well after six months of therapy I finally moved out and got a place of my own. At this point I started living a gay lifestyle going to gay bars doing the gay online dating sites etc. I was still very much in the closet at this point though.

Two weeks after moving out I quit smoking cigarettes, and two months later I quit smoking pot. I now also had my gambling under control. Through therapy I figured out that I was doing these things to deal with my unhappiness. The old me was back I was happy go lucky again smiling and laughing to the point that people actually commented. Of course I could not tell them the real reason, I had accepted being gay.

Well fast forward another two years and I have started the coming out process, before Christmas I told my ex-wife that I was gay, she was really cool about it and said well that explains some things. I also told a very good friend of mine that I have known since kindergarten, he said " Well as long as you are happy that is all that matters" My next step is telling my kids two nine year old boys. I am currently doing some research on what is the best way to tell them. After getting the good reactions from my ex and my friend I no longer care who knows and If anyone asks I will tell them yes I am gay.

Wow that is the first time I tell my gay story from start to finnish, sorry for the long post but I actually think it was therapeutic.

P.S I for the life of me cannot remember David's last name, I would love to get in touch with him, so if your name is David and lived in Montreal in 1983 and this story sounds familiar P.M me.

 

[smaq44]

Hello, my name is Mac and I’m a gay married man.

As ludicrous as it sounds, I didn't realize I was gay when I got married, although I knew I was attracted to men. As the years progressed, this attraction became a great source of shame for me until I finally accepted that I am gay and have learned to celebrate who I am.

Some here have labeled me pervert and liar. How could I not realize it? I’m trying to figure that out.

I recently dug out some old photos (when I was in my twenties and single) to show my family. In one, I’m participating in a tea ceremony with a geisha. In another, I’m at a Buddhist monastery just across the border from China. In a third, I’m with my best friend in front of the Dome of the Rock. We’re leaning on each other. My family sees the adventure. I see the raging torture going on inside my head.

I knew I was attracted to men, but I wouldn’t dare admit it. Psychology and religion said it was an immoral choice. I believed that, and so I believed that I was habitually making evil choices every time my brain thought: that guy is HOT! I countered the evil choices with “right” choices. I dated straight, talked straight, gestured straight, had sex straight. I believed I was successfully fighting this “disease.” It was considered a disease. The American Psychiatric Association didn’t remove homosexuality from its list of mental disorders until December 1973. It took the American Psychological Association another twenty years - July 1994 - to state that “homosexuality is neither mental illness nor moral depravity.” I didn’t become aware of either of these events until 2005.

About a year ago I stumbled across JUB, and eventually this forum, and for the first time I realized that I was not alone. That prompted me to re-educate myself.

In June 2005 I came out to myself; the following September I came out to my wife. Of course, one of her immediate concerns was: what was I going to do with this realization. Good question.

My career involved lots of travel around the globe; I had plenty of opportunity to act as though I was single, but I chose to remain faithful to her. My coming out has not changed that. I’m still the same person I’ve been throughout our thirty years together: the same husband, the same lover, the same dad. We both pride ourselves in continuing to grow and learn. We share a profound friendship and deep emotional attraction. We both are deeply religious (although we both are disgusted by most clerics). Our bonds have helped both of us to adjust. My coming out has added a new dimension to our relationship; we continue to have lots and lots of conversations about this side of me. My wife keeps assuring me that her love for me has not changed (except to grow deeper) and I keep assuring her that my love for her has not changed (except to grow deeper). She has assured me that she does not feel that she is married to a freak. I shared with her the posts here that labeled me pervert and liar; she vigorously disagrees with those posts. We do disagree on one thing. She considers me a 0.5 on Kinsey’s scale; I consider myself a 5.5.

I don’t know what the future holds. If this thread is still around in two years, it’ll be interesting to come back and update it.

 

[Elwood]

Big time kudos to you for remaing faithful to your wife and kudos to her for being so understanding!! I do not no why anyone would label you a pervert you seem to be exactly the opposite.

 

[mpdan]

I just stumbled across this tread, and thought I’d give it a: bump:

Tonight is the eve of my last night of being homeless. Not homeless as in Oliver Twist (“please Sir: more soup”) but homeless as in I have changed my address so many times in the last six months that the post office loses a majority of my mail. Homeless in order to ensure that there was enough money to keep the kids in the house they grew up in; and the least amount of impact on their young lives. Homeless in that I spend no more than three consecutive nights in other peoples guest bedrooms. Rooms with pink walls and expensive prints, with hand embroidered eyelet shams and dust ruffles; but I’m homeless all the same. After the divorce four years ago I bartered with a wealthy lesbian couple who lived in my kids’ school district for a free room in exchange for general handyman duties. When that gig ended last February I downsized what few possessions I had left, and used my van as a storage shed on wheels. I sponged off relatives, spent the summer living in a pop-up camper, and then met a great guy who asked me to move in with him. But work kept dragging me 2 hours away; so I would stay on mom’s couch; or an employer’s spare room, with weekends spent at that great guys place.

Tomorrow I start a job that comp’s me an apartment. And CadillacJoe (that great guy) will come up next weekend and help me pick out the colors to paint it, so we can make it our own, if a long distance relationship has to be. I picked a couch, some tables and an upholstered chair out of the trash; the ex is giving me some cast off bedroom furniture, and the previous tenant has left a nice dining table.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on how far I have come, and how far I have yet to go. The cruelest thing I could do to CadillacJoe is to deny his existence to my family any longer –so we are working closely with a counselor and I will come out to my children and family shortly after the holidays. As a closeted, formally married man I feel the distain from both sides of the fence: To some of the straight world I committed the ultimate breech, abandoning a family to fulfill a perversion. And to some members of the gay world I am a liar, who failed to buck carefully laid mores of social and religious expectations and become true to myself. I should have “grown a set” years before I walked down that aisle…..

The support I find is within the confines of a select sect of men – those who have walked the same path I have. On the subject of viewing my glass as half full or half empty there are two distinct ways I can look at my life:

I have met a significant other who makes me so incredibly happy I sometimes cry. We are forming a family unit that works for all three members. My children are extremely well adjusted teenagers who may or may not be totally aware of their Dad’s private life but are nevertheless aware that love and respect comes in all shapes and forms. They are healthy, with plenty of food on the table and total support from both their parents. Their parents don’t fight, at least not in front of them. I sleep well at night, I no longer have nightmares, no longer live in a cloud of despair, nor do I hate myself like I once did for robbing my children of perfect hetero family life they richly deserved. I have accepted my lot in life and can move on from here; focused and sure of myself.
-OR-

I have selfishly destroyed more than one family. Contributions to the 529 education funds were abandoned on the day of the divorce, along with any deposits to either of our 401K retirement funds. My carefully laid plans of paying down the mortgage were futile, for it was the lawyers who benefited financially from our pain. The children’s education will now rely on whatever equity is gained from the sale of the house, not exactly a carefully planned procedure. I am now a member of a minority living in a bigoted country, and when I make my announcement my children will instantly be the offspring of a gay man; and some classmates can be downright cruel. My announcement may cause innumerable tears; real estate and inheritance that would benefit my children may very well be yanked away. I have chosen to enter into a gay relationship with three members as the nucleus within my new family. Try explaining that to the straight world. “CadillacJoe can have his cake and eat it too” is what we hear from some callous members of our gay community, and I’m the newcomer; the veritable “other woman”.

But forge on I will, and tomorrow will bring a new day.

 

[justsimon]

Thank you all for your stories. They're very inspiring.

 

[Lube]

Awesome thread. I see so much of myself in these men: the early denial, marriage in late 20's, conservative family, acknowledging my gayness only after realizing the marriage was dead for other reasons. Although I wanted kids, luckily my ex-wife didn't so there were no kids to complicate our divorce.

I, too, had never met a gay man that I thought I could love. I never felt part of the gay community because I was relatively straight-laced and monogamous. Only after deciding I wanted a divorce did I chance upon a photo (on the Internet, but not a porn site; it was just a photo on a regular web page) of a guy that brought wave upon wave of emotion to me. I was very confused. I didn't even remember who he was or where I met him, but he looked familiar and I just had very strong feelings about him. Again, couldn't remember why.

To make a long story short, I finally admitted to myself that I could actually relate to this guy and trust him enough to have sex with him (after finally remembering who he was and where I met him). It ended up not working out (he wasn't interested), but I had basically forced myself to come to the conclusion that I was, indeed, gay. Wow, what a month that was!

It's good to hear of guys in similar situations.

 

[CoolBlue71]

I'm sure there are as many different stories to tell in this arena as there are colors that can be mixed on the palette. Some of the stories are success stories, and I can only be happy for those involved. Elwood, I'm so glad that your x-wife was understanding, and you felt you could tell her. With that behind you, you can move on, and your sons can be told when you feel they are old enough to handle it and understand it.

Then there are others that find coming out can "destroy" relationships beyond repair. It has been said that friends that don't understand nor want to support you are not worth the friendship, and I agree with that. You find out who your "real" friends are. However, family is another subject. You know what they say, you can't pick your family. With that in mind, is coming out worth destroying that relationship, and putting the family through the embarssment in a very conservative community? Then there is your "own" children (if you have any), is the public humiliation that will be put on them worth it? Will it become a family thorn that they will have to live down for years to come. I'm not so sure I can find any benefit, at least not in the near future, of exposing my personal life. I know there are others on this board that would not agree with me, and I respect their viewpoint. However, I made some choices in life (many of which I wish I could make over) and I feel that I have to protect the ones I love from undue hate and misunderstanding. Had I early on decided that I was going to live the life a gay man, I would have moved to another location, long away from my home town to spare my family of any repercussions of my decision. However, when I was young, I wanted a "normal" life, and really thought if I met the right women, it would make me happy, and I would love raising our children (well, the last part is still true). And part of me still feels that had I met the "right" women, I would still be happy, but who knows?

Anyway, there is a lot to be learned and gained from others experience, so I'm really happy to read the posts of success stories, and have compassion for those that don't turn out so positive.

Great questions and points.

Number-one is coming out to thyself. Everyone else thereafter may be considered -- their reactions, feelings, dealings.

 

[CagedBird]

Averageguy: a beacon of light on my adventure into discovering myself as a gay man.

" .... I then realized how depressed I had become over the years. Life had new meaning again. Finally, my heart, head, and genitals were in alignment with one person. I'd never had that before and it felt so good."


You contribution is reference material & stuff of hope!

Caged

 

[luminum]

Megustamyn, this was an excellent idea for a thread. It really has been inspiring and emotional to read these experiences from you all.

Average, I certainly didn't know this about you. I'm happy and moved to learn about it, though.

I guess this has taught me more about a group of men in the LGBT community I didn't know much about. Keep telling us the progression of your stories, please!

 

[mpdan]

I guess this has taught me more about a group of men in the LGBT community I didn't know much about. Keep telling us the progression of your stories, please!

Thanks for the request for an update luminum, I had forgotten about this thread, and my post last November. At 20, you show profound interest in the lives of your older brethren – which is unusual, and shows a maturity on your part. I did eventually come out to my family, and documented it here :
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=135094&highlight=chapter+4

As part of my coming out process, I took a summer job working at a gay campground – I saw it all (didn’t participate in it all) yet had the opportunity to live and work with men from all walks of gay life. I found that the generation before me had it so much worse; their coming out stories were full of heartache – lost jobs, their private lives written up in local newspapers, abandonment by children, loss of love and money. Yet they came out of the closet anyway, freed themselves, and within all the horrible stories I heard never once did I speak with formally married man who wished he could crawl back into the closet.

As for me I’ve progressed quite nicely – CadillacJoe and I have fixed up the apartment (located just outside of New York City) and just yesterday we hosted my family for our first housewarming party. Only one of my siblings has rejected my lifestyle; which was expected. Yet I’m surprised and happy to find that my other siblings, mom and even my ex-wife refuse to allow her to spill her venom – and cut short her tirades by demanding the subject be changed. CadillacJoe continues to work and live in Philadelphia, where he shares a home with Richard, his former lover. I visit on alternating weekends. It’s extremely difficult to even try to explain our three member relationship to our straight friends, but I now fully understand that the gay lifestyle is built on breaking all stereotypes and pushing the envelope….and my new life sure is interesting!

 

[Elwood]

Man this is a great thread!! A little update on me. I am out to almost everybody all my good friends know and my siblings now know. I have yet to tell my kids or my parents. I am very concerned about coming out to my kids, I have twin 10 year old boys. I have been trying to find some research on the subject. Surprisingly there is not a lot out there. I have spoken to their pediatricien about it and she said she could see what she could find. I have also been in contact with PFLAG and am waiting on a response.
As far as my parents go, I figure until I find a serious boyfriend there is no real need to tell them. I would only tell them when I get a boyfriend because I do not feel it would be fair to him to hide who he is.

I have been truly lucky as far as my coming out is concerned I have not had 1 negative reaction and everyone has accepted it.

One thing that has surprised me since my coming out is, how many of us are in the same boat. Until I started poking around on the internet I really thought I was a rarety, a very strange beast. But alas I am not, there are a lot of us. An interesting note, we are all around the same age, I can't help but wonder if the internet was around for us would our lives have turned out different?

On coming out, yes there will always be people to judge us and our decisions, but who cares? In the end we have been true to ourselves and we have changed our lives for the better. Yes we maybe have ruffled a few feathers along the way. But I don't think any of us have purposely or intentionally went into a hetero relationship to hurt some one else. I am not sure if that makes sense but hopefully you understand what I mean. Also on coming out I am not a firm believer that it is for everyone and everyone should do it! It is a personal choice, and something that should be well thought out.

 

[roundpegina]

I am married and although I have not come out I see a lot of myself in these posts. Like other posts (better worded then I can do) I did not realize or accept my gay tendencies. I never had sex with a man (I did buy gay magazines); however I could also enjoy girl magazines and could have sex with women. I knew about the Kinsey report that said that most people have some gay tendencies and most people are not 100% straight or 100% gay; I figured it was just a phase and I would get over it.
The fantasies subsided for several years but never completely went away. I just told myself it was fantasy that exited me and the actual act itself would be a letdown. I was married and did not want to cheat and never tried to find anyone that was gay or acted like I might be bisexual or gay. With the advent of the internet and a few clicks I can find gay sites, it’s getting hard to ignore.
At this point I am still not sure of myself. While several have had good experience it can also be a disaster to come out. Being in a rural conservative area the repercussions to family and friends could also be great.
This post does give me some perspective and something to think about.

 

[BiMike]

One thing that has surprised me since my coming out is, how many of us are in the same boat. Until I started poking around on the internet I really thought I was a rarety, a very strange beast. But alas I am not, there are a lot of us. An interesting note, we are all around the same age, I can't help but wonder if the internet was around for us would our lives have turned out different?

Just seen this Thread, missed it first time round. I can relate to quite a few guys experience having been interested in boys early on then following the gang finding a girl, getting married and having two great kids. However the desire for guys still remains! Now I am single again I still have problems in facing the reality of coming out !
As Elwood said if the Internet had been around when I was 14 and I knew then what I know now things could have been different. However of course a lot of things have changed since I was 14 in the acceptance of a gay life!
Thanks guys for your contributions a very interesting read.

 

[smaq44]

Hi roundpegina,

If I understand your screen name, I’ve felt the same way.

It was June 2005. In those days, this forum was just about coming out; relationship issues were in different forum. I was reading the heroic and heart-rending coming out stories posted here when I finally allowed my brain to think the words: “I am gay.” It took me over forty years to face it.

I was scared as hell when I logged my first post here. Some guys were very supportive in their responses, but one guy called me a liar and a pervert because I identify as gay and am married to a woman and I don’t mess around on the side. After reading his posts for awhile (he currently has over 14,000 of them), I discovered that guy was a bully and a bigot, not too different from the hetero bullies and bigots I’ve known all my life. I tried to ignore the negative guy and listen to the supportive guys.

A couple months after I came out to myself, I came out to my wife. In hindsight, I had no business doing that. I didn’t know any gay guys. I’d only read one book, surreptitiously at the library: Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers by Michelangelo Signorile. As it turned out, that book was an excellent choice, but coming out is a process and I was a baby trying to take giant steps. I got lucky. My wife, although shocked (she still insists she didn’t have a clue) joined me in this journey as a supportive partner (just like we’ve always done throughout our 33 year relationship).

Almost two years later, we’re still working our way through this journey, but we’re closer and happier than ever.

I wish I had come out by the time I turned 21 years old. My wife knows that, if I could, I’d turn back the clock. She knows that if I had come out forty years ago, we would probably have never met, and we definitely would never have married, and there would be three fewer children in the world. Since I regret allowing myself to deny this part of me, she asked: do I also regret being married to her?

My wife and I have always been focused on building and developing our relationship first. From the very beginning, we made a conscious decision that our children and our family would be an expression of who we were to each other. We’ve had our share of challenges over the past thirty odd years, and we’ve worked through them as a couple. Do I regret being married? The answer is an unqualified no. In fact, my coming out has deepened our commitment to each other, because now there is no longer a part of me that I am hiding.

As Don Clark put it in Loving Someone Gay: “The gay person may be more attracted to persons of the same gender in general, but a particular relationship is based on individual attraction, not general attraction.” Or, as one lesbian put it in the documentary One Nation Under God, “Sexuality is not about being gay or straight. It’s about loving someone and taking care of them and feeling a connection with that person.”

Gay affirmative books that helped me and my wife.

Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark, Uncharted Lives: Understanding the Life Passages of Gay Men by Stanley Siegel & Ed Lowe, Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance by Richard Isay, On Being Gay: Thoughts on Family, Faith, and Love and Now That I'm Out What Do I Do? by Brian McNaught, as well as 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives and 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort.

To learn about others who have traveled this road, we read: Out of the Past: Gay and Lesbian History from 1869 to the Present by Neil Miller, The Men with the Pink Triangle: The True Life and Death Story of Homosexuals in the Nazi Death Camps by Heinz Heger, and Mama’s Boy, Preacher’s Son (the autobiography of Kevin Jennings, founder of GLSEN).

To understand the fallacy and damage of so-called reparative therapy, we viewed the documentaries One Nation Under God and Fish Can’t Fly.

I went to the local gay community center (Stonewall Columbus in Columbus Ohio) and found an openly gay therapist. This is my first experience with a psychologist. He’s awesome.

My wife and I joined our local PFLAG. We go to Pride Days.

My wife and I are recovering Catholics. We’re both deeply spiritual people, but recognize (now) that you can’t reduce spirituality to dogma; dogmas are just power plays. We’re haven’t found the right niche yet; we’re looking at the MCC.

You and I are close in age and in circumstances. If you have any thoughts you’d like to discuss, I’d be happy to address them here in this forum or via PM, your choice. (I don’t come here too often anymore because my wife and I have pretty much moved on, but I’ll try to check back).

Best wishes,
Mac

 

[shawmut101]

I'm in the same boat. I think I'm finally out to myself, my wife suspects, but no one else is in the loop right now. I really feel that coming totally out will hurt my kids (bigots in the town I live in), and my co-workers really don't need to know who I am attracted to. I need friends, but have to weigh the consequences on those around me. Even though I'm currently separated, I have kids living with me.

 

[RicanDAB]

Not married here, although I was engaged to a girl for about 12 months over 10 years ago and essentially dodged the bullet and spared misery for my finacee and myself. Being honest was the key.

However, I admire all of your courage - this is a great thread to read.

 

[Runewell]

Same here, excellent thread, guys! I'm glad that you all are sharing your stories. As it's been said before, it takes an enormous amount of courage to even come out to yourself first, and I'm seeing so much of that here. It's really encouraging and I hope this thread continues to grow!

 

[dodo2761]

I was late starting sexually and never really thought of myself as str8 or gay- never reallthought alot about sex actually as a teenager- sounds odd but true- when sex things did start heppening I went mainly with girls but one or two guys came on to me and i didnt think much of it and then one night one got into bed with me and things happened. it didnt make me upset or anything and i enjoyed it- i was about 20- i was very sexually naive and didnt really it any big deal- i got turned on just as much with women as i did with men. i remained very inexperienced- then i met my wife and fell in love- i put the past behind. i passed off the sex with one or two men as part of experimenting and growing up.
as time went on i became a dad and our marriage continued.

after about 15yrs of marriage i began to realise that things were not right in my marriage and in my life- i wasnt happy- i supose i had become disenchanted with my wife and i think she had with me- the marriage was stale- i tried to gee it up but it wasnt happening- there was only one of us trying- i thin by this time i had started thinking about getting out.
I cannot really say what made me think about a gay life again but had started talking to a gay guy on the net who offered support and i began to realise i wanted to see him and we met and became friends tho nothing else happened. i realised tho i wanted to.
i went to see a councellor after getting some advice from someone who i confided in.
I was actually quite a good husband and father- I was never unfaithful to my wife- who when I told her that I had decided that I was gay- she wanted me to stay and make a go of things anyway.
She at this time was ok with me 'experimenting' to see if it was the way i wanted to go.
I saw a couple of guys and met someon who i fell i n love with and who wanted me to leave my wife.
I always said to her that if i thought she was to get hurt by what i did then i would have to leave.
I felt that was totally unfair on her and after discussing it we decided to have a try at living together and actually stayed together for about a year.
I felt she deserved a man who could be a proper husband to her and she is young enough to find someone else.
what i did was very selfish but i had been so unhappy.
Again after discussion we decided I should move out.
She didnt want me to but it was for the best. I have continued to support her financially and we remain on good terms.
My kids still love me and are happy that I am happy.
I feel like a complete bastard to my wife and admit that I was at fault- I did not get married 'knowing' I was gay and I loved her with all my heart for most of my marriage.
We had other problems within the marriage which meant it might end any way.
As for hiding in the closet.
For somoen who was married for 18yrs the hiding bit was actually about 6months of that time- from the moment of my decision to the time I told her.
So to answer your question.
I cried and cried and beat myself up about what I mgiht if I was brave enough do.
since leaving i have stopped crying- i am happy and have been very lucky- i have some good friends and try to support other people in similar situations and even do presentations at work to support anyone else who might have similar situations.
I am a police officer and am well aware that homophobia is rife within the str8 male population.
At least i am now trying to help.