Someone PM'ed me to ask that I put in my story here ( thanks mpdan). My story isn't all that different but if you want to read sit back and get comfy.
Everything started late for me except I noticed quite young that I was different. I liked some sports but not the mainstream ones, I could play kick ball but had no real interest in baseball. I liked to hang out with my guy playmates but could play house with the girls including taking care of the "babies".
From birth I had a good friend who was 11 months older than me. We were neighbors so it was natural that we became best friends.
We did all the things that youngin's do. Played with trucks in the sand box, went swimming at the lake, family outings with eachothers families.
When we hit our pre- adolecent years we did the usual "I'll show you mine if yu show me yours" thing. We had a private place to play this game in that his dad had built him big tree house. One day he showed me his "stiffy". I showed him mine. Next thing he showed me was when he could shoot his load. Being younger it took a little while for me to catch up. Some how we progressed to jerking eachother off. I don't remember who asked who first. It doesn't matter. I do remember that it was he who asked me for a blow job. He was best friend, so I said yes. Anyway this continued for years, even after we both started dating girls. If you want all the detail it's in my blog. He has his own chapter.
Our "get together's" didn't stop until he moved in with one of his girlfriends when he was about 19. I had lost my virginity to a girl he had dated before me. She was a great girl. One of the first girls I met with a take no shit from anybody attitude. We dated for a year until I found out she was sleeping with one of nieghbors. Life goes on.
I serial dated women for a while until I met this guy at work. He was tall, skinny but a blast to hang around with. He seduced me. We attempted to have a relationship. It was filled with drama. Not between us but those around us. Plus we were in two different places, he was out and I still was in denial.
Let me address the denial, because that's a little simplistic for all the emotions and turmoil and ignorance that was going on inside. I was brought up in an Irish Catholic family of parents who grew up in the Depression and WWII. Sex was never, ever talked about never mind homosexual sex. Being as I came of age in the late 70's there wasn't the on-line resources there are today. I didn't know there was such a thing as gay bars until my "buddy" from work took to my first one which was a disaster. Talk about fear! I didn't "belong" here. This wasn't "who" I was. I couldn't BE gay. I didn't know why I couldn't be but I couldn't.
It was after my relationship with my co-worker that I was introduced to another co-worker, this time a woman! The clouds opened, the angels sang, here was my redemption. I should also mention that before we met my to closest male friends had gotten married and was the best man for both. I was a whopping twenty when we met. We had a great time! Daytrips everywhere. The beach, the mountains, the city and long drives to no where. We liked the same everything, music, food, parties, hell we were the same Zodiac sign, could there be a better match!?
We met each other's families and her's made mine seem positively conservative, which I guess it was. We started talking about weddings abd at 21 and her being 20 we were wed. I loved her but it was also wht I was supposed to do. It was expected. It was who I really wanted to be.
So we entered into wedded bliss as only two young and in love folks can do. We had parties, went places, did things and had great sex. 5 months after we were wed we got the news we were going to be parents. This was cool!
We got a biggeer apartment and started setting up for the new arrival. 9 months is a short period of time!
We settled in to quiet nights at home reading, mostly magazines. One day I stopped at the local drug store on my way home to get us some reading material. I decided to get her something racy. I thought playgirl was a little too wimpy. I saw this magazine called Stud and thought , that's it. I came home with he mags and gave her her's. she said wow, thanks and after supper we sat down to read. After 5 minutes or so she threw the mag at me and said you bought me a GAY magazine! OOPS! It really was a mistake.
Something drew me to it though. omehow I managed to stash it away. My first opportunity I took it out and wow! I hadn't been that turned on in a long time. There were studs...and stories and stuff! I jerked and shot the biggest load I had in a long time. Of course with my wife being pregnant and sex being the last thing on her mind, I was pretty horny to start with.
It did bring those repressed feelings back to the surface though. To top it off though her best friend was a very cute gay guy. Temptation lives right next door. I was good though and occupied with a newborn.
My wife worked a first shift job and I had a second shift job so we didn't have to use child care. We also didn't see each other much. When we did I was exhausted. I was doing Mr. Mom duty. Most of the child care and house keeping as well as working at night. I loved my daughter and it was blast taking care of her so being tired was a small price to pay. Unfortunately my wife didn't see things that way. I'm not sure how she saw it was never articulated.
We had to move again and things were tight and emotions strained. The urges to be with a man were getting stronger. It didn't help that I had bought a few more gay mags to look at. I hid them in a broken tv in the basement.
My wife liked to tinker with things. Things electronic. She found my stash.
I got home from work and for the second time in my life I had gay porn thrown at me.
We fought. We name called. We parted. Three years of marriage down the tubes. She drove to my parents' home a week after their last child had moved out.
I know she was hurting. I know she had questions. How was she going to raise a child alone? How was she going support them? How could she have not seen her husband was gay?.
By the same token, I was hurting. Would I see my daughter again. What would happen to them? How could I do this to them? Then the Other questions. Was I really gay? If I was, what would happen to me? I couldn't be gay and stay with my parents. Would my soon to be former wife continue to allow me to see my child? What about work? What if it got out there? If I answered one there a dozen more that were begging for answers. Like I'm sure my wife did there were many nights crying myself to sleep.
My wife didn't take the split as stable as I did. She started drinking to ease her pain. I got a call from our day care provider informing me that my daughter had spent the night. She had tried calling my wife's apartment but got no answer.
I left work and piicked up my daughter. Swung by their apartment and she was not there. I grabbed some clothes for my daughter and headed for my parents house.
I hopped on the phone and started calling around and nobody had heard from her. I forget now who had called or how I found out but some how I got word that my wife was in a detox facility. It seems she went to a bar the previous evening and ended up passing out at the bar. A friend took her to the detox facility and had her checked in.
To her credit she did get sober. She also had motivation. I told her she had to meet criteria to get custody of our daughter back. She met them after two years.
During those two years my daughter lived with me and my parents. I was also working two jobs to make my ends meet. Once again I was exhausted but happy.
I suppose I should also say that during this time, the only sex I was having was with my right hand. I still hadn't come out and was too tired to go anywhere other than to visit friends briefly.
While all this was going on my dad was fighting a battle with throat cancer. He was amazing. While my mother accompanied him, he drove himself to and from out patient treatments. My mum was his nurse at home doing any at home treatments prescribed. Yup, they had their hands full.
After lving with me for two years or so, my daughter went back to live with her mom. It was good because my dad was going down hill. I was still working two jobs plus picking up the slack at home. It was still ok, at least I wasn't out on the street.
I still hadn't come out yet. I couldn't burden my parents with this. They were dealing with end of life issues. They didn't need to worry about something as trivial as their son's sexuality.
Dad's battle ended. Mom was devastated, as she should have been. She lost her life mate. The family was saddned as we should be. Mum and me were alone now. I had more on my plate as I became mum's helpmate. She couldn't drive, she never learned. I cut back from three jobs down to two and eventually down to one. I had my daughter every weekend. Life got back to normal... for a little while.
Mum's color had changed. she looked paler, grayer. She didn't have a lot of stamina to begin and now hse had even less. She had been having angina attacks for a while. We'd go to the hospital, they'd take a chest x-ray to rule out a heart attack and send us home. During one time they found a spot on a lung. This was to be the beginning of her end. She was diagnosed with cancer and passed two years after her beloved husband.
Now alone in the old famil homestead, I had a deep sense of loss. Luckily, I was still busy. I was working one full time job and going to nursing school full time nights and everyother weekend. One of my brothers was going to buy the family home off of the estate. The sale closed right after I graduated from nursing school. I was going home shopping!
I found a nice condo and moved in just before Christmas. I also discovered personal adds.
I found and dated a few guys but still hadn't come out yet. Now I was just unsure of what the gain would be.
I met this man. Divorced, father, a few years older. We clicked! We fell in love. Now i had a reason to come out. I was in love. I was moving in with this man. We'd be sharing a life. that was 11 years ago.
We do things when we're ready not when other's think we should. We do things for our reasons, not rationalizations. We each live our own life at our own pace not when a greater group says we should.
This is my life.
sorry not good with links yet 'Non Experimenting Curious Straight Guys in the Bisexual and Straight Guys'