Married Men- Excuses, Excuses. The Poor Wife

[Caramelslice]

I came across this thread due to my own problems. I have been reading through and I have noted 2 things:

1st- a few of the guys on here seem to hate women at least the comments come across that way: i.e) I saw a hot guy with his GF and he was looking at me, I bet he was thinking that he could drop that bitch and be with me.

GROW UP- not every man is gay/bi or wants to have M2M sex.

2nd) So many married men on here trying to justify their individual situations. There is no justification to lying to your so called "SPOUSE". The problem isn't your sexuality, be gay and be happy but don't drag an unsuspecting person into your issues. Furthermore you then want to also keep a LTR with a man with no consideration for his feelings. then again if the bloke knows you are married and wants to go there with you then its all on his head. The wife is the 1 who does not deserve the deceit. They give you your children that you love, 9 months carrying, and they nurture and love them, keep your house and they try and love you the best they can. Your sexuality is not a massive issue- its the LIES/DOUBLE LIFE and for you not to trust in your wife to tell her not only makes you a coward but you are ROBBING her of potentially finding a man who can love her in all the WAYS that a heterosexual man should.

Yes, life is hard but in order to start living it 1 should be honest. You'll be surprised at the amount of people who will love you the SAME. All the angst you carry is within your head.

Its so sad when I see how blase many are.

 

[Elwood]

First of all I do not know which thread you are referring to. I can only hope that you are referring to guys who sneak around on their wives. There are quite a few guys here (like myself), who have accepted there sexuality later in life after being married and having kids. Most of us never cheated on our wives and have been loving parents, and have done the right thing. I divorced and came out of the closet at 38 I am a much happier person for doing so.

 

[Caramelslice]

Elwood respect to you. At least you had the decency to do the right thing. So many men are sneaking around and are coming up with all types of excuses to justify the lies upon lies. When the truth is they want it all. The heterosexual lifestyle, the bi/gay extra's - when the truth is the marriage is based on a lie. They need a smokescreen to hide who they really are. Its down right disrespectful to their wives and children.

If a man was married cheating and straight I would say the same thing but a man being gay, having a preference for men (and acting on it- public toilets/parks/via internet hook ups/ business trips) is a DISGRACE.

How would they feel if a bloke did that to their little girl. Would they pat him on the back and say, I understand mate you are confused so waste 15 years of my daughter's life.

For all the guys who did the right thing- good on you. Not only are you allowing yourself to be free but you are giving your wife to be free too.

As for the gay men sleeping with these married men- you are being used too. Often these men say its just sex, basically a hole or a mouth. I'm not even interested in his name. Is that right? Think about how far the gay movement have come, the majority of advocates are women, every woman wants a gay BF so why stab them in the back by allowing these so called straight men or what ever label they want to use to use you for a 15-20 minute fumble.

 

[ejbonk]

I know your not talking about me. My wife knew I was BI when we started dating. She is very open minded and accepting of who I'am.
She has been very accepting of my BF's and my relationships with them.
It's now just a matter of finding the right male partner to join us on a LTR basis.

I find the OP to be Generalizing and Stereotyping all Married Men in this thread.

 

[Lalada]

It's a pity, and a vortex of hurt to all involved when that turns to be the case.

People like Larry Craig and Mark Foley and Ted Haggard show it can be really anybody, and that the hypocrisy is seriously damaging to all involved.

 

[BiBlackMan]

It's too bad that the perspective and comments of Caramelslice are so sweeping and universal. Every man, married or not, gay or bi, has a unique situation to deal with - because every man is an individual! I just recently came out as bi to my therapist and working on related issues of depression and anxiety. Yes, I'm married and trying my best to do right by myself and my wife. I didn't marry thinking I was bi or gay. I married because I was in love with her. Making these kind of life changes, particularly at my age (46) and years of marriage (21), are the most difficult issues I've ever faced in my lifetime.

Such a sweeping, generic condemnation is both unfair and ignorant of what other individuals have gone through, or are going through now.

 

[alley]

This is thread that Carmel slice is refering to ----from her post in it she obviously did not bother to read most of it.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183544

 

[Eagle653]

Carmelslice, in all due respects, my patience is running thin with you and your myopic posts.

If you think, for one minute, that men whom you describe are not confused and guilt-ridden already for some of the choices they've made, then you're blind to them and to human nature.

It would be great if some men's lives were all neat and tidy and everyone had their feelings figured out at puberty; it would be great if society were accepting of gay people and allowed them to pursue their desires and instincts without pressure otherwise, or being made to feel sick and deprived; it would be great if men who were attracted to men all had the strength to rebel against society and tell everyone to fuck off at puberty. But, none of these things are true. Instead, these men do the best they can, and make decisions which they feel are right at the time, and try to keep everyone happy.

Life isn't that easy and uncomplicated. You have come in here and flamed gay married men--and in a No Flame Zone. You have spewed your venom in several threads now. We get it--you're unhappy. Your life isn't perfect either. Work on correcting your own life and learn to move on and be happy.

Good luck to you.

 

[Caramelslice]

It suits you to say that maybe you are the type of guy who is making those very same excuses so that you can continue your life on the DL. I also made it clear that the same applies to straight cheating men. I made it very clear about the type of men I am talking about. Life is hard enough without your so called other half living a "SECRET"life...

There are victims to this secret life- what about them? Or your wives JUST don't matter? As I said what if it was your daughter.

Yes I suspected that my partner may be gay/bi but he finally told me that he has a drinking problem and has agreed to go to rehab.

I guess you just want a forum where you can only focus on you and not what you are doing to your wives and gay lovers. The selfishness is amazing. Grow up, get a spine and sort yourself out.

I wasn't talking about a particular thread or a particular person. I am talking about the group of men who actively lead a secret life whilst MARRIED to a woman..

 

[youngnihilist]

^Yeah you do have a good point as a woman who's actually dated men who are lying and cheating. They are torn and damaged but that doesn't excuse their irresponsible behavior.

 

[her-g-hubby]

My two cents, well guys I am married to a woman but I am 100% gay, I don't hate women at all, my wife is very supportive of me being gay, she says it like having a live in gf, she has a wonderful bf he knows I am gay also, she and I had along talk one night and she helped me figure it out, but I think the spouse needs to know it isn't fair to her.

 

[Caramelslice]

Marley Is A Legend- So Well Put. I Agree With Everything You Have Said. Last Year I Had A Very Good Gay Friend Who Loves To Sleep With "straight" Men, In Fact He Very Rarely Sleeps With Gay Men. Anyway 1 Day He Meets This Guy That I Happen To Know, He Is Quite Prominent On The Music Scene Here In The Uk, Very Alpha , Straight, 1 Would Never Suspect That He Is On The Dl Big Time. This Very Same Guy Dates A Girl That I Know Who Was Also Pregnant With His Baby. I Begged My X Gay Friend To Finish His Fling With This Guy Even Though I Am Not Close To The Lady In Question I Felt So Bad For Her. When She Gave Birth The Little Boy Was Ill. After Tests Were Run They Found Out That She Was Hiv +. I Had To Tell My Gay Friend To Get Tested But To This Day As Far As I Know He Hasn't As He Says He Is Too Scared. Instead He Is Still Running Up And Down Oxford Street Picking Up Any Man That Will Have Him. I Had To End Our Friendship As I Got So Sick And Tired Of Hearing-

' This Guy Came Round And While We Were At It His Wife Called', I Just Don't Find This Amusing.

Of Course Respect To All Those Men Who Are Honest With Their Wives And Gf's. Its So Important. To Be Hurt Like That , To Have To Pick Yourself Up From Hearing That The 1 Person You Are Supposed To Trust In This World Is Getting Off On Cock. Not Only Do You Have To Deal With The Fact That He Has Cheated But This Whole Other Aspect Of Him That You Had No Idea About Let Alone Can't Do Anything About. Also Within A Marriage Working So Hard To Make It Work And Constantly Having To Ask Him What's Wrong And He Responds By Saying Nothing Time And Time Again But Sensing That There Is Something Wrong. Thats A Serious Head Fuck.

I'M SORRY I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR THESE TYPES OF MEN. IF I AM SUPPOSED TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AND UNDERSTAND BECAUSE HE IS STRUGGLING PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS HIS PAIN COMPARED TO THE LIED TO, DECEIVED WIFE.

By The Way Sorry About The Caps I Am Not Shouting.

 

[Caramelslice]

Hey Marley,

How is your day going?

The scary thing is that so many men are at it and it is so hard to clock the signs.

I have so much more respect for the gay men who are out and living a healthy lifestyle. They are not only paving the way so that others can feel safe coming out but are also setting a good example so that people in general can stop associating the gay lifestyle with everything that is negative.

Sometimes I think that these guys just want it all. Its the same with straight married men who want it all.

Marley, if you don't mind me asking how was it for you when you came out? How old were you? How did your family react? Do people still discriminate? From what I can see EVERY girl wants a gay best friend. Are straight men more accepting because some of these guys allow them to indulge in sexual activity when and if they want to without compromising their own sexuality?

Why is it ok for girls to have girl on girl action and not be labelled but its different for men? When I was younger I was a BAD girl. I was SINGLE, however I could have pretty anyone I wanted man or women. With women I knew that it was just a bit of fun and I had no interest in forging a relationship other than friendship. Long term its not an issue. I don't even classify myself as being bi.

 

[ejbonk]

^^^^^^^^

Bisexual is an Identity.
There are out Bisexuals.
Everyone has a different Definition of Being Out.
Some do not tell certain Family Members,Assoc.,Co-Workers,and/or Clients.
For reason all their own.
Others feel "If,I not F@#King you,It's none of your business,and is a Non-Issue."

I find you to be very judgemental,and If you are searching for Perfection.
Sorry,Honey Your Not Going To Find It In This Life.
Maybe In The Next,But Not Here On Planet Earth.

 

[Caramelslice]

Yes I am being judgemental. I am standing up for the women in the dark!! Some one has to as the unfaithful gay/bi in the closet husband isn't!!!

If you are hiding this from your wife your response does not surprise me. Perfection has nothing to do with it. My husband has gained a bit of weight over the years but I still love him. That's accepting that no one is perfect. Not the man who is sleeping with other men on the sly behind his wife's back. There is no excuse other than his own selfishness and the bull that I have to satisfy this urge in me in order to be a good husband, blah blah blah.

Being gay/bi is NOT the problem. being deceitful is!!!!

 

[Lube]

All the guilt and confusion in the world don't amount to a hill of beans when an unsuspecting wife gets the shock of her live when her doctor tells her she's got the three sisters. Now she has to worry about health problems, unaffordable medication, deal with a crushing heartbreak, and figure out how to balance all this with raising a few kids.

Guilt? I can relate to. Confusion? Sure. Since when does that excuse manipulating and lying to someone and putting their life in danger? NOTHING excuses starting a family that you aren't prepared to raise.

"Feeling bad about it" doesn't justify this behavior. If so, why not let off murderers who come from the ghetto because "They didn't have it easy, society is hard on them, they feel bad about it."

If you're married and your wife knows you get down on the side, fair is fair. If you go out of your way to create a phony life with her, it's not easily solved with an apology and guilt. You made a contract, you took vows, you weren't forced at gunpoint into the marriage. My feelings like this were solidified when I watched a special on women with HIV living in shelters because someone married them, gave them a disease and 4 kids, cleaned out the bank account, then just up and left to NY to cruise the park.

I haven't checked Caramel's other posts and what you say about her may be true. If you're suffering coming to terms with your sexuality, my heart goes out to you, but why pull somebody else down with you? ESPECIALLY when kids become involved. I don't think the world can afford to start excusing this or any behavior with "what about the perpetrator? They feel really bad about it."

Is society unwelcoming towards homosexuality? So much so that the very topic deserves it's own thread. BUT....if we start excusing this, what other dangerous behaviors can we justify with "atleast he feels guilty about it. It's not easy being him."?

I think you're spot-on, Marley.

If you're gay, fine. If you're gay and you discover/admit this only after you get married, get a divorce. If you get married when you know you're gay--well, as long as you keep your dick in your pants, that's fine.

But don't fuck around with guys when you're married or engaged and the wife/fiance doesn't know. That's unconscionable.

A guy like that once propositioned me on a gay chat site. He wanted "discrete" fun. I said I'm all for "discrete" if it means you don't want to make enough noise for the neighbors to hear. I'm not for "discrete" if it means the wife can't find out.

I never heard back from the loser.

 

[alley]

Yes I am being judgemental. I am standing up for the women in the dark!! Some one has to as the unfaithful gay/bi in the closet husband isn't!!!

If you are hiding this from your wife your response does not surprise me. Perfection has nothing to do with it. My husband has gained a bit of weight over the years but I still love him. That's accepting that no one is perfect. Not the man who is sleeping with other men on the sly behind his wife's back. There is no excuse other than his own selfishness and the bull that I have to satisfy this urge in me in order to be a good husband, blah blah blah.

Being gay/bi is NOT the problem. being deceitful is!!!!

This being the internet and all---if I believe you are who you say you are then I urge YOU to go get some counseling to work through your anger issues Carmelslice---I have been in a relationship and been lied to as well and It does take a while to get over it---but coming to a gay website and to lash out at men who's stories you don't know is not helping you at all---yes, lying and cheating in any relationship is a bad thing. But it happens in straight, gay, and bi relationships----Take care of yourself---get some help.

 

[Elwood]

I am not making excuse's and I do not agree with guys who stay on the DL. It took a lot for me to come out at 38 but I did it. However you younger guys have to remember that us older guys did not have the internet when we were younger, and in my case I did not know any gay people when I was in my teen's so there was basically no where for me to turn to, and talk about my feelings. Also there is a huge difference in the acceptance of homosexuality now then there was in the 80's.

I think most men who are on the DL are older guys, just something to ponder.

 

[Lube]

I'm not sure how much I agree with that because I think the older generations of gay men are largely responsible for today's increased acceptance of homosexuality.

That would be true if you said, "the older generations of out gay men are largely responsible for today's increased acceptance of homosexuality." The closeted guys haven't helped anyone.

 

[Elwood]

I'm not sure how much I agree with that because I think the older generations of gay men are largely responsible for today's increased acceptance of homosexuality.

Well speaking on my behalf , I am pretty certain that if the internet would have been around when I was in my teens ( Like it is today) I would never had moved in with my ex and I would not have the two beautiful children I have today. The only good thing to come out of my 10 year relationship with my ex. I can tell you with out a doubt that the internet had a huge part with my coming out. Also I have spoken to several guys my age in my situation (coming out later in life after being married and having kids) and most of them have all said the same thing.

Do not get me wrong yes the were guys my age who came out back in the 80's without the internet. However, I think there would have been tons more like myself who would have come out and not gone the route that a lot of us did . Again I am not making excuse's I have accepted my life and I did things to change it, which is something that I am very proud of.