Married to a woman but into guys more

[tnerbdivad]

Is anyone else like me? I have been married for 7 years, and I am very much in love with my wife and we have kids together. I have always been attracted to men, but I have never done anything physical with a man. I told my wife when we were dating that I was attracted to men, but I didn't really let on how much. As the years have gone on my attractions to men have only increased and my attraction to my wife has somewhat decreased. I surf gay porn online whenever I can, and I have an incredible yearning to actually do stuff with another guy -- jack off, suck, fuck, everything. Still, I feel strongly about being faithful to my wife. I feel somewhat guilty surfing porn. I used to have cyber sex in gay chat rooms but stopped out of feelings of guilt.

I was just wondering if there are others like me and how you deal with it.

 

[red1979]

Question for you: Is the guilt because you are finding sexual gratification outside of your marriage or because it's with men or both?

That being said, relationships depend upon trust and honesty. Whatever direction you want to go with this I think you should include your wife in the process.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

That being said, relationships depend upon trust and honesty. Whatever direction you want to go with this I think you should include your wife in the process.

Agreed. She deserves to know this much more than complete strangers on the internet. It's better to tell her sooner rather than later or not at all. She may even be understanding about it, but letting her find out after years of deception isn't a great option.

 

[Reprobate]

I have been in your situation, I recently (last few months) started having sex with men. I came out to my wife three years ago and when I started having sex with a guy I know I told her.

It is a very difficult situation, she doesn't want to let go, we have kids and we are trying to work something out but I am not very optimistic on that happening.

If you have sex outside the marriage it is going to cause both of you a ton of grief not to mention the feelings of the other man. Hooking up with random guys puts yours and more importantly your wife's health at risk so think long and hard about what you are going to do.

I am not saying that you shouldn't pursue this, just that if you do it is going to drastically change your life and your family.

For myself I am happy that I did this, I know who I am and what I need to have a chance at being happy but I hate the impact this has on my family, the only reason we haven't separated is the kids and her health problems.

You should read this website, it seems to be geared more towards the spouses of gay/bisexual married men and some of the information is questionable but if you use your judgment you should be able to come away with some good information.

http://www.marriedgay.org/

 

[z4wf11]

Is anyone else like me? I have been married for 7 years, and I am very much in love with my wife and we have kids together. I have always been attracted to men, but I have never done anything physical with a man. I told my wife when we were dating that I was attracted to men, but I didn't really let on how much. As the years have gone on my attractions to men have only increased and my attraction to my wife has somewhat decreased. I surf gay porn online whenever I can, and I have an incredible yearning to actually do stuff with another guy -- jack off, suck, fuck, everything. Still, I feel strongly about being faithful to my wife. I feel somewhat guilty surfing porn. I used to have cyber sex in gay chat rooms but stopped out of feelings of guilt.

I was just wondering if there are others like me and how you deal with it.

I can identify with this on some points. Some differences: My wife and I don't have kids, and never will as far as I can tell. We've been married about 5 years longer than you. I fooled around with guys starting in high school before getting married. I surf gay porn, but don't feel guilty about it. Last couple of years I've cybered with guys, but don't feel guilty about that either.

Never cheated on my wife until about a few months ago, when I hooked up with a guy I met on a forum. It wasn't sexy, wasn't what I want, and after I did it (mutual bj and hj) I realized that when I was single I was a lot more careful about safe sex than I had been with him. I felt rotten about taking such a risk with my wife's health. I had myself tested, and thankfully came up neg.

I cherish the bond that my wife and I have, but sexually, I am more attracted to guys. Also, she is menopausal and not interested in sex any more. I don't think this will lead to a separation, at least I hope not. The bond between us, the many years of memories, can never be replaced. Personally, I wonder whether I'm any different than many guys who, over the years, have little sex with their wives. I've even talked to middle aged gay men who have the same experience of declining sexual activity at home. Some end up with lovers on the side, some remain faithful but without much sexual activity, I suppose.

As you can see, I'm still thinking this through too. I have never come out to my wife, and unless I decide to break my vows and look for a new lover, I don't know that there's any value in telling her. For now, this is my issue, not hers. But each of us has to make our own way in life, figuring out what is best for ourselves.

 

[SwitchHit50]

Got a chance to hook up with a guy from squirt. we met at a bar. clean older fella and all he wanted to do was blow me, okay.
This is my first time with a guy in quite a while. I could host so he came over and we both got bareassed and he started,
He got me hard in seconds and I tossed spunk under four minutes.
Later in the week, a female(date) di the same and got just as hard, took a few minutes more to cum, but the orgasm was just as strong.

My point? I am bisexual, and I have to live and /enjoy both.

 

[star-warrior]

Straight & Bi Dudes tends to concentrate mostly on porn stars rather than relationships.

I'm moving this thread over to the non-flame zone : Coming Out, Relationships & Bisex Talk. Hope you'll continue the discussion here

 

[DonQuixote]

Yes. I'm coming up on 53, been married for 31 years.
Aside from pubescent exploration and 1 other night of almost,
I've never been with a man.

I've never cheated on my wife. I tend to read the stories here - most are about relationships with sex as a side benefit,which suits me fine. I've expanded into other threads, a lot that have nothing to do with sex - food, computers, and just about everything else under the sun.

I read and IM here sitting next to my wife on the couch. No, she's not thrilled. I've tried to explain that it's not all about sex, it's about relationships and shooting the shit with friends, but she's not convinced. Stories aren't really much racier than The Nora Roberts, JD Robb, and other authors we both share - one even started to explore lesbian relationships fairly intimately in a mainstream published book.

It is what it is. I am Curious, but faithful at the same time, so I will have to satisfy myself with the friendships and the stories and occasional previews of the porn -- yeah, once in awhile I want to see the hot sex, and gay/bi/hetero all appeal to me, but mostly it's the stories and friendships.

 

[Fishstix]

Don't be selfish and do what's best for your wife and kids. If you love your wife, stick with her. It's not worth ruining their lives just so you can get some sexual relief. You married her and had all these kids so you need to take responsibility for your actions. If you want, tell your wife your frustrations and bring up the idea of having a 3some with a guy or ask if she'll let you try it just once. If not, ask her if she has any ideas on what to do. If that doesn't work, stick with the masturbation.

Many straight men have urges to do other girls other than their wives and the ones who go with them, ruin their marriages. It's pretty much the same thing except for your situation it's a guy. The ones who don't, keep their marriage and family happy but sacrifice their urge. It's a choice of being selfish or not and I don't think it's worth it.

 

[saymyname]

Can really see the huge generation gap in this thread. If you always felt attracted to men, then why did you get MARRIED TO A WOMAN!?

 

[bankside]

Don't be selfish and do what's best for your wife and kids.

I agree with this. The question is how do you know what is best?

Is anyone else like me? I have been married for 7 years, and I am very much in love with my wife and we have kids together. I have always been attracted to men, but I have never done anything physical with a man. I told my wife when we were dating that I was attracted to men, but I didn't really let on how much. As the years have gone on my attractions to men have only increased and my attraction to my wife has somewhat decreased. I surf gay porn online whenever I can, and I have an incredible yearning to actually do stuff with another guy -- jack off, suck, fuck, everything. Still, I feel strongly about being faithful to my wife. I feel somewhat guilty surfing porn. I used to have cyber sex in gay chat rooms but stopped out of feelings of guilt.

I was just wondering if there are others like me and how you deal with it.

Can you imagine how your wife would feel with a man who thought women were as hot as you think other men are? Would your wife enjoy being married to a straight guy so she can be with someone who is exactly where he wants to be every night?

If so, you might want to step aside so she can be free to find him. You'd be free to find your guy as well.

 

[z4wf11]

....Many straight men have urges to do other girls other than their wives and the ones who go with them, ruin their marriages. It's pretty much the same thing except for your situation it's a guy. The ones who don't, keep their marriage and family happy but sacrifice their urge. It's a choice of being selfish or not and I don't think it's worth it.

Completely agree with this.

 

[tnerbdivad]

Question for you: Is the guilt because you are finding sexual gratification outside of your marriage or because it's with men or both?

That being said, relationships depend upon trust and honesty. Whatever direction you want to go with this I think you should include your wife in the process.

I think my guilt is about finding sexual gratification outside my marriage and because I am in effect taking time away from my family to get the gratification from the online porn. I don't think I feel guilty that I am attracted to men. I am who I am, and I can't change that.

Don't be selfish and do what's best for your wife and kids. If you love your wife, stick with her. It's not worth ruining their lives just so you can get some sexual relief. You married her and had all these kids so you need to take responsibility for your actions. If you want, tell your wife your frustrations and bring up the idea of having a 3some with a guy or ask if she'll let you try it just once. If not, ask her if she has any ideas on what to do. If that doesn't work, stick with the masturbation.

I definitely do not intend to cheat on my wife and do something physically with a guy. I think about it a lot, but I don't think I would ever act on it. But the desire is still there, and I thought it would be helpful to me to hear about how other guys handle this conflict within themselves. I think that reading these posts helps -- especially some of the stories below of married guys who have tried it and regretted it.

I have some intense horny moments where I fantasize and scheme about ways that I could get together with a guy. But then after I relieve the pressure by jacking off, I realize that I would never do that.

 

[tnerbdivad]

Can really see the huge generation gap in this thread. If you always felt attracted to men, then why did you get MARRIED TO A WOMAN!?

Maybe it is generational. Though I have always been attracted to men, I have also been attracted to women. Given the choice, a life with a woman is/seems easier than a life with a man. I definitely knew that I wanted a family, and I got what I wanted. Also, I'm sure that I deluded myself a bit into thinking that I was equally attracted to both. It turns out that I am not.

If my original post made it sound like I am dissatisfied with my life or marriage, then it was not accurate. I have a GREAT life. I love my wife and family, and I am truly grateful for them every day. But there is this thing that nags at me, and I try my best to deal with it in the best way possible for everyone involved. It is not ideal, but then life never is. But I will continue to try to make it as ideal as I can, and hopefully some responses in this thread will help me a bit.

 

[saymyname]

Given the choice, a life with a woman is/seems easier than a life with a man.

Yeah, and the easy route is always the best option, clearly. Adversity is definitely not something to, you know, struggle against, resist, and rise above...

 

[rareboy]

I think my guilt is about finding sexual gratification outside my marriage and because I am in effect taking time away from my family to get the gratification from the online porn.

You and about 50 million other guys.

Since you told your wife you were attracted to guys, you get a pass in life's course on honesty and decency right off the bat.

Since you have no plans to have a physical relationship with a guy without your wife's knowledge, even better.

Every time I read about this kind of dilemma, I'm so glad I'm a bona fide homo.

At the end of the day, you either have to tell your wife that you love her and your family but struggle with physical desire for other guys and hope she understands or you just have to quietly live out your life turning to gay porn and your imagination to fill this gap for you.

 

[spencer]

hopefully education will prevent this generation from ignoring their gay feelings over trying to fit the family mold.

I do not see your urges to be with men every diminishing. Hopefully fantasizing will be enough to do it for you for the rest of your life. Otherwise you got some life altering decisions to make.

 

[Jersey Domino]

Yeah, and the easy route is always the best option, clearly. Adversity is definitely not something to, you know, struggle against, resist, and rise above...

Exactly.

And I don't think that this guy should try to repress his urges I say go for it. But it will change your life.

 

[DonQuixote]

Sarcasm can be a powerful tool. If the parties all recognize the point.

But maybe that is the point, throw it in, mix it up, make people stop and get refocused.

This makes me stop and wish that places like Camp Clover for Boys really did exist, and parents were open enough to send their kids there, for the whole Summer.

Imagine a camp geared toward sex education like you've never seen it. guy on guy to learn what pleases and how to please, followed by guy on girl for the full rounded, open, cum splattering experience.

We are a way to hung up people when it comes to being able to talk about and enjoy sexual experiences.

But, at the end of the day, we're also a monogamous society, which makes bi-relationships even trickier to gain approval on than gay marriage.

I know, this doesn't offer any advice, just waxes philosophic but, there you are.

 

[Elwood]

As long as it stays at looking at porn on the internet and not starting to see men on the sly, I do not see a problem with your situation if you truly are happy. I was married to a women and had kids but I got divorced and came out of the closet. It actually went quite well and I am much happier now. I was not happy in my relationship though.