Maybe it's not meant to be...

[hotb0d]

I usually don't ask for advices or rant but I guess everyone is allowed a moment to themselves on here. A little background: I am 22 and my boyfriend is 40. We met last year and became a couple just about 2 months ago. Everything was great and dandy until 2 days ago. I know that there are few kinks to our relationship but I figured that as the relationship deepen, we will work those kinks out.


here's the story...

We were in my boyfriend's car on Friday night. He told me that he has a present for me. Silly little me thought, "oh my god. Is it what I think it is. He's going to give me a key to his apartment. hell ya!" But it didn't turn out the way I anticipated. Instead he said, "I think you should date other people." I titled my head and went: HUH?

After a long explanation of how he's going through a spiritual journey in his life (all started when he turned 40 last December, it's the mid life crisis crap...I meant mid life crisis dilemma), being celibate (It was not my best moment when he told me that but I respected and supported his decision, I swallowed my 22 year old horniness and continue to pursue a relationship with him), and how I just recently came out of the closet so he thinks I should experiment more. He doesn't want to break up but he thinks it's best if I go experiment but I don't want to God damn experiment. Why the hell do you think we are in a relationship? I chose him! I want to experiment with him. Grr.

Some people might be thrill at the fact that their boyfriend is allowing them to date other people (and my boyfriend assured me that he will continue to be celibate)...so it's a one sided open relationship? I'm so confused with that. Whatever the case, I am not thrill. Yes I am 22 and he is 40, I worked myself out of the whole age difference thing. I don't feel funny when I hold his hands in public anymore. Why can't I have a normal 40 year old boyfriend whom adore his 22 year old boyfriend and won't let him out of his sight?

I think I am just annoyed because I feel like accomplished many things in order for this relationship to work but all is gone with this little "present" of his.

At this moment. He quit his job because he doesn't like it anymore (it's draining the life out of him he said and I agree), he wants to go on a raw vegetable diet (which in my opinion drove me up the wall. I LOVE to eat. When he told me we won't be having sex for a while because he needs to be celibate and find himself spiritually. Having dinner together with him was one of the many ways for me to share an intimate connection with him. And now that is gone too with his new diet plan), and he's on a 2 weeks road trip right now to be alone. I even voiced my opinion about the whole raw vegetable diet but he is set in his ways and I couldn't convince him otherwise.

So my problem is I don't know how to process and proceed from here. I feel like he just broke up with him or at least put our relationship on a back burner which is rather ridiculous because we've only been together for almost 2 months. We should be like lube and condom right now...inseparable! Should I let him be for a bit more, wait out his whole mid life crisis? (I mentioned to him that I think he's on a mid life crisis but he snapped that down too).

should I just take up on his "present" and vent out my sexual frustration? I love the guy but he's setting me up for a VIP trip to slut-ville right now. And I must be honest, with all the frustration with the relationship...it's a really tempting.

Or should I just talk to him once he's back from his trip? What should I say? I don't want to come off as selfish. Should I continue to change to accommodate his spiritual journey or set up a boundary and tell him to meet me there, otherwise our relationship is as good as done?

Rant is done. Any advices are appreciative. Thank you

 

[altlover85]

set up a boundary and tell him to meet me there, otherwise our relationship is as good as done?

This.

He can have his mid-life crisis and spiritual journey, but all these changes are not what you signed up for and he didn't even consult you on any of these decisions. I don't think he is viewing the relationship as a priority or taking it very seriously.

I would have a talk about what you want out of the relationship and see if he can meet your needs. If not, I would move on.

Good luck!

 

[hotb0d]

This.

He can have his mid-life crisis and spiritual journey, but all these changes are not what you signed up for and he didn't even consult you on any of these decisions. I don't think he is viewing the relationship as a priority or taking it very seriously.

I would have a talk about what you want out of the relationship and see if he can meet your needs. If not, I would move on.

Good luck!

Thank you. I should have done it a while back, instead of trying to accommodate so much. I hope we'll figure something out, I don't want to end the relationship just yet.

 

[altlover85]

You're welcome.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about not having the conversation about your needs. It can be hard to talk to our boyfriends about things because we want the relationship to be a source of harmony and not stress.

I think you could keep the relationship going, but you want to make sure that you are getting something out of it. Currently it sounds one-sided. I apologize for any redundancy.

 

[KaraBulut]

It does sound like your boyfriend is going through a depression or he's just gone mental.

These things happen.

Underneath all this is the message of, "My personal crisis over turning 40 is more important than my relationship with you". That's a tough one to swallow.

The question is, "What do you want from the relationship?".

If you think you can be happy in an open relationship where you have sex with everyone except your mentally unstable partner, then go that route.

If you want a more stable relationship where there's a healthy sexual component, then it's time to move on and leave him to discover his life-path or spiritual journey or whatever self-indulgent nonsense he needs to do.

 

[hotb0d]

Today I woke up with some clarity. I will talk to him once he gets back from his road trip. Since pharmacy school is starting for me at the end of September and I'll be moving 100 miles away, it's probably good if I take a break from the relationship. I'll tell him to figure himself out and we'll see if we can continue our relationship when I come back for Christmas break.

I actually woke up today feeling single lol :/

 

[rareboy]

Christ on a cracker.

Run and don't look back.

Let him find himself.

You need to find someone who puts the importance of others before themselves all the time.

He sounds like a flake.

I'll bet he's actually trying to dump you but is too much of a pussy to do it outright.

Do the work for him.

Delete his number from your cel.

 

[Johnny2U]

22 to 40. You've worked it out but the odds were still stacked against the relationship but some have done and/or still do maintain relationships with huge age differences successfully but it is very rare. Personally, I am of the opinion that there is a bigger issue here but I'm not going to speculate with such limited information.

A phrase that might come in handy about now is "Advice is something we seek because we already know the answer but just don't like what the answer is"

 

[Nomenclature]

This is why a relationship with a 20+ age difference usually doesn't work; you're in completely different places in your lives.


A fling? Sure. A committed, long-term relationship? Nah.

 

[bankside]

I think it is crude to just say "I think you should date other people." I believe it is possible for some people to have open relationships that work and that are fulfilling for all involved. But anyone who has that kind of relationship knows how incredibly rare it is, and how it is mostly an experimental kind of relationship. It isn't something you toss out there flippantly. A gift? Yeah, I just bought you a pair of shoes. Hope they fit. And, fuck other people! Hope that fits too!

There is more to this story than he is telling you. Perhaps more than he even knows. I am almost his age and this is very bizarre behaviour for a 40 year old, or anyone of any age.

I can speculate as to what is going through his mind. He may think you are not compatible but he is afraid to dump you. He may want to see other people himself. He may have low self esteem and not think he is worthy of you. Or he may have a sexually transmitted disease he is afraid to tell you about and being "celibate and finding his spiritual side" is just a chickenshit way of protecting you without telling you.

I can guess. You can guess. But only he knows, and the bottom line is from the way he is acting, it looks like he doesn't want you to know. At which point I would say "Thanks. It's been nice knowing you. I don't want an open relationship with you. I don't want any relationship with you. Have a good life. Good bye."

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, take it from someone who’s got some experience with open relationships, if you aren’t totally committed and if you don’t trust each other, and you aren’t mature enough, it won’t work.

Open relationships aren’t just like monogamous ones with sanctioned cheating. There are a lot of issues that you can’t anticipate if you’ve never don’t this before that spring up. First is that it’s one thing to think it, but the reality is something else altogether different.

I’m continually amazed when people in shaky relationships think that opening it up is some kind of answer, it isn’t, and this will make your problems worse not better. It’s a supplement, not a fix.

Think about it.

If he wants an open relationship, and you don’t, don’t do it.


I'm not sure what to make of that whole celibate thing, but if it was me, I would leave if my guy refused to have sex with me.

 

[hotb0d]

well I am officially single.

what is this bittersweet feeling.

 

[altlover85]

I think it's the whole "yay, I'm single" and can move on with my life coupled with the memory of the good times you had and the sadness of ending things with someone you care about.

I'm sorry you are single, but hopefully some good comes out of it and you can someday find a new man who you will be with for the rest of your life.

 

[hotb0d]

Thank you Alt.

I think that is what I'm feeling right now. I did learn something about myself, I'm too accommodating. Next relationship, I'll be a bit more selfish.

 

[altlover85]

Thank you Alt.

I think that is what I'm feeling right now. I did learn something about myself, I'm too accommodating. Next relationship, I'll be a bit more selfish.

You're welcome hot! If you learned something from your relationship, that's great. I think that's what relationships (especially those that don't work out) are for.

 

[fbhwes]

That whole mid-life crisis thing is something i never did understand . I always felt it was an attempt to hold on to your youth ! I'm 44 and yes i have my issues but if youthful validation is what your looking for then what better way then holding hands with a 22 year old. I'm not saying that's what he was doing, i've always been of the belief that age is just a number (of course that may be because i'm on the other end of the spectrum.)

 

[KaraBulut]

Thank you Alt.

I think that is what I'm feeling right now. I did learn something about myself, I'm too accommodating. Next relationship, I'll be a bit more selfish.

Well, just know what you want, be assertive and don't settle for less.

 

[hotb0d]

he still wants to be friends. I don't even know what to say to that...

I can be rude and just say: no thanks, you wasted enough of my time.

On the other hand, I still like the guy.

 

[bankside]

sorry to hear it hotb0d...
the guy just doesn't get it at all, does he?
You want to be his boyfriend, he wants you to sleep with someone other than him. You always knew what you wanted, and he wants to "be friends" but that was never what you wanted anyway.

He needs to be your ex, and he needs to stay that way. There is no need for you to keep this baffling, hurtful person in your life. (intentionally hurtful or not).

You don't have to be rude when you tell him, but you can be definite. "Friendship? No, I don't think that's a good idea. It's not what I was looking for. Good luck, I wish you well. Goodbye."

Your future lies with someone else. Let yourself get ready for the day you meet that guy.

For now, just benefit from a bit of solitude to reflect and to put this behind you.

 

[altlover85]

he still wants to be friends. I don't even know what to say to that...

I can be rude and just say: no thanks, you wasted enough of my time.

On the other hand, I still like the guy.

You may like him, but what would you get out of a friendship with him?

I would think about the positives and negatives, as well as what you need right now in order to recover from this break up. Once you've thought about these things, then you can make up your mind. Maybe spend the evening thinking about it and then make up your mind tomorrow or in a few days. I wouldn't dwell on it for longer than a few days.