Maybe, it's okay to hate...

[peeonme]

At 68 and surveying the land that I came from I recently asked myself why I had wasted so many years trying to love or at least like people that were self centered abusive shit heads. It became all to clear to me that I was never loved by my family after the death of my dad. He didn't show me any affection until he was about 2 days from dying. He wasn't mean, just stern.
I became the family scapegoat, every thing was always my fault. I was supposed to be the dummy of the family. They didn't blink when the juvenile officer took me away to a boys reform school for a year and a half. I got one visit in that time. When I came home the place stunk, it hadn't been cleaned since I left, bills were not paid and dear old mom was all to quick to act like she owned my ass. My older brother tried his abuse again but discovered to his chagrin that his little brother was stronger and meaner than he was. I had a half uncle that robbed us blind as well.

Mind you, I am not seeking any sympathy. However I have burned up years trying to fix assholes and idiots, to make it worse, I felt an obligation to love them, to help them. Hell, I became my mothers guardian.

I have tried to operate by means of objectivism. A thing is what it is. It defies logic to not call selfish assholes just what they are. his doesn't afford me the right to sit around bitter and mad at the world, it does give me the liberty to quit trying to reconcile myself to people that didn't deserve to have ever known me.

Okay, rant over. But let me ask, have any of you ever had to deal with trying to love assholes? (not in a sexual way)

 

[LeicsDom]

I learned a long time ago that I should be self centred and only look out for myself
My relationship with my family, especially my parents, was one-sided so I bailed on them when I was 32
The lack of stress from that area is blissful

 

[Rickrock]

Sorry to hear of your lives. I was lucky in my family.

 

[ShadowCat]

Currently I am hating on my dad He fucked over my mom and I royally Shook everything up AND NOT FOR THE BETTER! Just know it was COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE! Everytime I see him everytime he opens his goddamned mouth part of me wants to reach out and slap the ever living fuck out of him! I honestly feel our relationship might never recover from his actions! We hadn't had the best relationship as it was, but the shit I am thinking about that he did to us has me pissed off on the daily! Lets say he shit where he ate and leave it at that!

 

[Maklaar13]

I can relate to all of your stories and situations. My family was toxic. I was abused by my brother and a couple of my sisters. I grew up in a house full of lies and abuse, psychological torture too and physical beatings. The only thing I looked forward to was going to school because then I did not have to be home. After school, we were not allowed to do anything or go anywhere, we could not have anyone come over to play either. The last day of school before summer break I would cry my eyes out because it was the beginning of a prison term for the whole summer. After growing older and going to university, I eventually gained my freedom. I started pulling away from my family and made a life for myself. However, I kept going back, always trying to help anyway I could. It did not work. Now I understand that you cannot help people that do not want to change. I read books and went to therapy and it help me realized that while we cannot change the past, we can sure learn to leave it behind and take care of ourselves.

I divorced my family! Cut all ties with them, it took a while but I made it happen. I kept in touch with one of my sisters, until I realized that she had sexually abused me as a child and the only reason she wanted a relationship with me was so she could continue taking advantage of me and kept me in her life because I was providing her with things she could not get otherwise. I closed that book a few years back, no drama. I just told her not to contact me again and that I was no longer interested in anything that she had to say.

I feel so fantastic these days. I am happy and have made a great life for myself by cutting the toxicity out of my world. Hope this helps others. Be strong, be well and take care of yourself.

 

[rareboy]

I have no problem hating destructive people who make life a misery.

And no problem wishing them dead.

It doesn't change anything but neither does 'forgiveness'.

 

[unloadonme]

My family must be saints given some of the posts above. That said, and other than my mum who's lovely, I rarely see or bother to keep in touch with any of them. Apart from some DNA, we have little in common.

 

[rareboy]

Our whole family is wonderful. I feel so sorry for everyone who has experienced hostility or estrangement.

 

[peeonme]

I once hear or read a sermon entitled "we all live in a two story house". Few families are truly the same as the image that they would project to those on the outside. I think that there is "normal" dysfunction, such things as sibling rivalry or mom and dad going thru a rough patch after all we are all human. But then there is that group that epitomizes dysfunction.
When we deal with others we have no idea about their journey in life.

 

[ShadowCat]

I have more too, I think I'm finally understanding why I can be such a bitch sometimes!

 

[ChristianGianni]

I'm so sorry to read that some of you have had such bad times with your parents and siblings, that is just so wrong on any level. I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings, we never had much (money wise) growing up but we always got by and looked out for on another. I truly hope you are all much happier now.

 

[PrinceCory]

Okay, rant over. But let me ask, have any of you ever had to deal with trying to love assholes? (not in a sexual way)

Sorry to hear of your lives. I was lucky in my family.

I'm so sorry to read that some of you have had such bad times with your parents and siblings, that is just so wrong on any level. I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings, we never had much (money wise) growing up but we always got by and looked out for on another. I truly hope you are all much happier now.

I too apparently was lucky to have a close relationship to my parents and 4 siblings. I'm retired now so that give you an idea the age range of my siblings. My parents never divorced. We can all get together for a weekend and get along. All of us live within 5 hours or less of each other. None of us have had a high paying profession.

 

[Alistair]

Don’t let the past ruin your future.

Move on. Don’t Dwell. You can’t change what happened in the past but you can change what will happen in the future.

 

[ClubLevelVegan]

Okay, rant over. But let me ask, have any of you ever had to deal with trying to love assholes? (not in a sexual way)

Yes, my own immediate Family. Haven't talked to them in years at this point since they decided to cut all contact from me.

 

[peeonme]

Don’t let the past ruin your future.

Move on. Don’t Dwell. You can’t change what happened in the past but you can change what will happen in the future.

That is good advise. I tried that along with therapy for years. The problem that I had and was unaware of was that I had been making excuses for the abusers unwittingly for years. "Poor mom, she had a bad childhood". "well, my brother was encouraged by mom, so he couldn't help it". When I found closure was when in my mind I held them responsible for their abusive actions. At that point the cloud of guilt that had stalked me for not loving my family vanished. I had been asking myself why they acted as they did, the answer was right in front of me... they were wretched people.

It was only at that point that I could move on. Now when they "pop up" in my mind I can readily call it like it is or was and not dwell on it. The key is in being truthful about what happened. An added benefit was that I suddenly didn't find myself to be so much of a "people pleaser". There is a ton of freedom in not giving a damn about what others think about you.

I do want to thank all of you who took part in this thread.