Me and my Husband are in a sexual rut and I feel un-attracted. What to do?

[jackmiller2266]

Me (23 M) and my husband (24 M) have been together for almost 7 years, married for a little over 1 year. We started seeing a decline in our sex life about 2-3 years into our relationship and we have struggled with that. We have had some very serious arguments over the year, so much so that it has driven me to be, in a large part, un-attracted. Me (23 M) and my husband (24 M) have been together for almost 7 years, married for a little over 1 year.

We started seeing a decline in our sex life about 2-3 years into our relationship and we have struggled with that. We have had some very serious arguments over the year, so much so that it has driven me to be, in a large part, un-attracted. That combined with his lack of care for his weight and physical appearance have not been a good combo. I would love to be more adventurous in the bedroom, maybe explore threeways, toys, sexy clothes etc. but any time I bring it up he will insist that I am just wanting to be a whore among other insulting statements.

I have thought about leaving him, but when I think about my long term future I want to be married to him still and raise children, it's so hard for me to see it with anybody else. I love his entire family, leaving him almost seems impossible. I'm afraid that if I do then I will regret it a lot.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do in my situation? I feel completely lost.

 

[cabinfever]

Ideally conversation would be the key and developing the skills for clear and productive conversation never really ends.

If you can't have these conversations with your husband you might want to have them with yourself so you can better understand what you desire or need or where it is you want to go with this. A therapist can also be helpful whether it is one on one or for both of you.

 

[MusicMan321]

It sounds like you two are a great couple you just gotta work things out together or see a counselor. Hope everything turns out ok for you both

 

[SeaCore]

It's not uncommon for people to experience a decline in their sex life when they've been in a relationship for a while. That's something I don't have experience with because I entered the dating scene late, but you could probably search online for more general advice so you can more readily get some answers to that problem.

There does seem to be a problem with communication and resolving disagreements. Can you get a little more specific about some of those serious arguments? Not just what they were about, though that's important too, but also how they were said. Did they start of with an accusation, "You do/did this!"? Were there any digs at one another from either of you? What did y'all do after the argument had time to cool down?

I also want to directly address two specific things you mentioned.

I would love to be more adventurous in the bedroom, maybe explore threeways, toys, sexy clothes etc. but any time I bring it up he will insist that I am just wanting to be a whore among other insulting statements.

This is not okay. It is not okay for your spouse to shame and insult you for expressing your earnest desires. They're making a hostile environment for you to advocate for your wants and needs and behavior like that will hurt your relationship down the line—it already has.
Your spouse can be not into it. That's fine. They can have concerns, insecurities, and objections but they need to own that it is their problems and share what those problems are rather than deflecting and making it seem like you're the problem. You're not.

That combined with his lack of care for his weight and physical appearance have not been a good combo.

First, I want to say that I'm glad you're being honest with yourself about how you're having problems with these things.

But I also think there's some stuff here you probably need to work through too. Weight is something that is really difficult to control and very personal, I think people forget that a lot. I don't think it's a reasonable expectation that people control and change their bodily appearance for their partner's sake. It's fine to express that you like something and might would appreciate if your partner did some stuff to play that up for you. But it is ultimately their body and their choice, if they even have the ability to do something about it.

I suspect that this would be less of a problem if your emotional needs were being met better. I think this type of problem does relate to building up an image of how a relationship is 'supposed to look' that isn't sustainable. And one of the reasons you should want to unpack this issue of appearances is because it could creep up and hurt you later in life if you find yourself in a place where you can't maintain the look that you want and start seeing yourself as a failure when you're not. And the earlier you can unpack that the less you'll have those toxic thoughts popping back up.

It's also worth throwing out there that your spouse's change in appearance could be a side-effect of emotions that they're struggling with too. Your partner could be dealing with a bit of depression and isn't coping well with it; leading to a downward spiral of negative emotions that causes the more toxic snapbacks. Now even if that's the case, it's an explanation but it's not an excuse. It doesn't make what they're doing okay, but it could mean that the first step to resolving it is getting some help and possibly getting on some medications.

 

[jackmiller2266]

It's not uncommon for people to experience a decline in their sex life when they've been in a relationship for a while. That's something I don't have experience with because I entered the dating scene late, but you could probably search online for more general advice so you can more readily get some answers to that problem.

There does seem to be a problem with communication and resolving disagreements. Can you get a little more specific about some of those serious arguments? Not just what they were about, though that's important too, but also how they were said. Did they start of with an accusation, "You do/did this!"? Were there any digs at one another from either of you? What did y'all do after the argument had time to cool down?

First of all, thank you so much for the thorough and thoughtful response. Some of the arguments include infidelity. He had cheated on me, and I had sent pictures of myself to someone. Other times have been much more... insane? I guess? I was jacking off one morning before work and I had on these sexy underwear while doing so because I personally find them really hot. I left it out and he found it, flipped on me, called me all sorts of names. We didn't talk for almost a week. I try to be as understanding as I can, phrasing with "I feel" and "I think" etc., but he tends to take digs like if he leaves I won't find someone, etc.

First, I want to say that I'm glad you're being honest with yourself about how you're having problems with these things.

But I also think there's some stuff here you probably need to work through too. Weight is something that is really difficult to control and very personal, I think people forget that a lot. I don't think it's a reasonable expectation that people control and change their bodily appearance for their partner's sake. It's fine to express that you like something and might would appreciate if your partner did some stuff to play that up for you. But it is ultimately their body and their choice, if they even have the ability to do something about it.

I suspect that this would be less of a problem if your emotional needs were being met better. I think this type of problem does relate to building up an image of how a relationship is 'supposed to look' that isn't sustainable. And one of the reasons you should want to unpack this issue of appearances is because it could creep up and hurt you later in life if you find yourself in a place where you can't maintain the look that you want and start seeing yourself as a failure when you're not. And the earlier you can unpack that the less you'll have those toxic thoughts popping back up.

The way that was typed came off harsher than I wanted it to, my apologies. It is not even necessarily the weight. Bigger guys can be a turn on for me, it's more so that he just does not care. He is just becoming increasingly lazy and dirty.

As I said initially when I see myself down the line? I definitely want to be with him. But right now I find it hard to be free and find myself, explore sexually, etc. It's very hard. If I let him go now I don't think I could ever get him back.

 

[SeaCore]

First of all, thank you so much for the thorough and thoughtful response. Some of the arguments include infidelity. He had cheated on me, and I had sent pictures of myself to someone. Other times have been much more... insane? I guess? I was jacking off one morning before work and I had on these sexy underwear while doing so because I personally find them really hot. I left it out and he found it, flipped on me, called me all sorts of names. We didn't talk for almost a week. I try to be as understanding as I can, phrasing with "I feel" and "I think" etc., but he tends to take digs like if he leaves I won't find someone, etc.

You're welcome, I hope it's helpful in some way.

Okay, so there's some trust issues here; for good reason. Trust and communication are the pillars of a good relationship because it means you're secure in your relationship and can understand and explore what's going on when something goes wrong; and when something goes right too.
You by-and-large seem to be doing good on the communication front but your spouse demonstrably is not. The digs are either a way to deflect from actually talking, maybe to 'win' an argument, or are genuinely what your spouse thinks; or both. In any case, it's not good. I understand that you imagine a life with this person but does that image in your mind include the bad the parts or is it conveniently leaving those things out?

How did these arguments resolve? Did your spouse talk about why they cheated? What did the apology look like, for both what your husband did and you sending the pictures? Did your husband apologize for blowing up at you over the underwear?

I think this does need to be stated directly, your spouse is abusing you. I'm not saying they're holistically bad. But telling you that you'll never find someone else is abusive; it's gaslighting. I wouldn't be surprised at all if this were projection, that your spouse doesn't think anyone else would want to be with them if you left. But I don't know, it just seems like a weird thing to insert into an argument or even think about. Why would that thought even cross your mind? It's not normal to casually think 'Hey would my partner ever be able to find someone else? Nah'. But thinking 'Am I good enough for my partner or anyone else?' is a pretty normally insecurity.

I admittedly would like you to set and boundary and not let your partner get away with saying that to you. But I don't know how your partner would react and I doubt it would be good. But you do deserve better than that and your partner should know that it's unacceptable.

The way that was typed came off harsher than I wanted it to, my apologies. It is not even necessarily the weight. Bigger guys can be a turn on for me, it's more so that he just does not care. He is just becoming increasingly lazy and dirty.

As I said initially when I see myself down the line? I definitely want to be with him. But right now I find it hard to be free and find myself, explore sexually, etc. It's very hard. If I let him go now I don't think I could ever get him back.

It's okay, even if that had been what you meant it's no big deal. I just wanted to cover the bases in case it was or if someone else reading the thread related to that type of thinking.

What you're saying does point more towards what I suggested; that your partner may be suffering some mental health issues; particularly along the lines of self-loathing or depression. Is there a history of clinical depression or other mental health issues in your relationship? Would going to therapy be an option? If you're both currently enrolled in college, most colleges offer free counseling; though I think it's generally one-on-one not couples counseling.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I want to be married to him still and raise children, it's so hard for me to see it with anybody else. I love his entire family, leaving him almost seems impossible. I'm afraid that if I do then I will regret it a lot...

Think for a moment... do you want to be married to him? Or do you want to be married to someone who treats you well and would be a good father to your children?

If he's not a good husband, he's not going to be a good father.

...A therapist can also be helpful whether it is one on one or for both of you.

^This.

Since you are married now, you might want to consider marriage counseling. If he's not willing to work on your relationship and work on himself, then there's really not much future to all of this.

 

[mcbrion]

3-4 years is very often when you "see" the other person for whom he/she truly is. "The bloom is off the rose," so to speak, and one realizes "this is who he/she really is." Relationships frequently break up at this point because the basis for the original relationship may not have been based on character/virtue, (as Aristotle spoke about as the reason for having a relationship) but on desire, which is not uncommon, particularly when one is young and the hormones rage.
Now you're at the point where it's make-or-break time. If you don't admire/respect your partner, and that's not why you got together in the first place, this is when you find you've got a problem. As Kara posited, a therapist might be helpful to you to see each other with new eyes - if that is possible. If not, then you have some hard decisions to make.

 

[TX-Beau]

Shaming you for wanting sex is a manipulation tactic to get you to shut up about it. Letting himself go could also be about wanting to avoid the subject.

Kara is spot on. When you're young it's easy to confuse the desire FOR a relationship with wanting the actual guy. There is a narrative in your head, what is that actually about?

Take inventory of what you want in a relationship, then apply it to what you have. I'm pretty much certain that being slut shamed isn't on it. Also if he cheated on you, and he's treating sending a pic as the same magnitude of issue - that's also manipulation. They aren't the same thing, that is excusing himself. Look at how he behaves, and ask yourself if you want him treating your kids that way. Don't ever let anyone tell you that and let it pass. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting what you want.

I know you think that you're not a kid anymore, and you're not, but you're still really young and have plenty of time if you need to leave. 90% of the drama in my life evaporated when I started seeing the guy in front of me, and not the guy in my head.

You may care about him, his family, hell, you may even love him, but that isn't enough. You also have to have consideration, respect, and equal commitment. The reason I'm saying what I am is that you've thrown up some fairly serious red flags. There are commitment and trust issues. Cheating men who belittle their partners are usually one of two things, trying to get out by making the other person be the bad guy, or abusers breaking down your self respect.

 

[jackmiller2266]

Is there a way to have this thread deleted. Thank you.