Me: HIV-, Him: HIV+

[GayJerseyGuy]

So I met this amazing guy and yesterday, he told me that he likes me -- he finds me attractive, and feels some chemistry between us. I couldn't agree more. He is adorable, funny, friendly, smart, and an all around great catch. I was over at his place watching a movie, after the flick ended, we had a nice make-out session, and then the bombshell. He told me that he is HIV+. I was a little surprised, and somewhat sad (for both him and myself). I never really considered dating someone who is positive, and I confused about how to proceed. I really enjoy this person, and could potentially see a future with him, but the whole HIV+ revelation puts a potential long term relationship in a different mind-set for me now.

I did some research online today about HIV, and antiviral drugs and subjects of that nature. It seems as if someone can live a pretty "normal" full healthy life now days. I just think that the fear of getting infected while fooling around is a huge turn off for me. I need some advice. Is anyone on this site in a similar predicament? How have you handled this type of situation. I have very mixed emotions and am not sure what to do or what to think.

Please help...

Thanks!

 

[scooter63]

First lets be thankful that he informed you, was honest and up front about it.

Secondly, I am interested in a person myself who is HIV + and I am negative. I am the one who is interested in pursuing a relationship and it is the person who is positive who is resisting. He tells me that he doesn't want to run the risk of infecting someone else. His viral loads are undetectable and he is otherwise healthy and no one would know that he is actually HIV positive.

I have told my person that there are lots of ways to express love and affection to one another that are safe, or shall we say relatively safe, or low risk, and that there are ways to practice safer sex if one wished to incorporate anal sex into the mix. I have told him that I would be willing to work through the intimacy issues if he was as well. We are still at that stage of thinking it through.

In my mind, just because someone is HIV + doesn't automatically mean that they are a bad person or are unworthy of love. I always say that "for there but for the grace of God go I" in these types of situations and how would I feel if I were the positive person and no one would want to be around or with me. They are human beings and they deserve love and respect like everyone else.

Maybe you aren't the right person for that type of situation. Maybe you will be a great friend to him and be there to support him and try and make his life happier. Maybe you will be the person who says lets try and work through this. Who knows. I think that a lot of stuff hit you all at once that you weren't anticipating and now your mind is in overdrive going backwards. Give it some time, give it some thought, and above all, TALK to the other person about your fears, your problems, and what is going on in your mind. Maybe he will help you, maybe he has the same fears and issues. Talk it out and see where things go. After all, you just met and just started down a road of friendship.

You always have the right to choose who you are with and in what capacity it is. You are not required to be with anyone who you choose not to be with. However, don't make a knew jerk reaction is all I guess I am trying to say. Give it some time, some thought, and some communication between both of you to see what is best for you.

 

[hotatlboi]

If the person's viral load is undetectable AND you use protection, then the risk is really not that significant.

Obviously, it's something to think about and consider carefully to make sure you are comfortable enough with it and that it does not become a barrier in the relationship, but I wouldn't necessarily rule someone out just for that reason.

Of course, if you want to be able to have sex without protection, then it is a bit of a different situation.

 

[glorff]

Having lived thru this for the last twenty years I will make a recommendation that may not be the popular one. I would not pursue the relationship. Be friends, but don't do it to yourself. The ups and downs are horrific. At some point the cocktail he is having so much luck with now will stop working. There will be surprise infections. He will probably make it thru them, but they take a heavy toll. He will age faster than you do. There will be guilt on both sides. I finally had to give up. I was strong, but wore down over time. It might be different for you with the time difference from inception, but someone needs to say this.

 

[gingentleman]

Please commend him for being honest with you before you do or say anything else. This was huge for him. As to whether or not you should become intimately involved, only you and he can say. Best of luck with whatever you decide. Be sure to discuss this with your physician and perhaps even seek counseling on the matter. Cheers!

 

[backpacker]

Your mixed emotions are understandable. It's a situation that I have never been faced with, therefore I can't offer meaningful insight. Only you can decide if it's a risk you are willing to take. If you decide to move forward, I suggest that you take things very slowly. Most of us have met guys that seemed great at first, but we realize aren't the best match once we get to know them. It sure would suck to get infected then find out he wasn't "the one" for you. One thing you do know for sure about him, he has character. You should definitely thank him for being upfront.

 

[denverbear42]

i find it sad that you are actually considering not persueing a relationship because he is hiv positive. i am hiv positive and how sad it would be for me if i thought i could never have a relationship. unfortunately people are misinformed, hiv positve status is the same as any other chronic illness. as long as you are on meds ypou can live a healthy long life. sure you have to be safe but hell thats not that hard to do to find a safe way to express your love and afection.

 

[techie70]

I have a friend that is HIV positive and his approach is this. After telling his new interest he sets up an appointment for both of them with his Doctor. Someone who can give both of them advice on what is relatively safe the risks etc. Then his new interest can make an informed decision. Or simply go to a Doctor knowledgeable on the subject by yourself. Not all doctors are equally versed. Not an easy decision to make.

 

[mbamike]

First, the HIV virus can not penetrate a latex condom. So, if you want to have sex with this guy, a condom and safer sex practices are required to keep you at low risk.

Second, read up on magnetic couples, one partner is HIV+ and the other partner is HIV-. The Body is a good place to start.

Just because he is HIV+ does not mean you can't have a long term, healthy relationship with him. You just need to know the facts and the precautions.

Good Luck.