me, my man and us

[hotintown]

New to this forum. And wanted 2 ask y'all for some advice.

Been with my partner for 4 years and up until thanksgiving all was well - faithful, in love, good sex, in love.

We then started talking about seeing other guys, and thats what we have started to do - we have some rules - we play together when possible, if its apart we dont go out lookin 4 it it's just when it happens.

But u know guys I feel bad inside - yeah sometimes i have met great guys for sex, but I am eaten up inside with jealousy. Is it a gay thing? Is it a human thing?

Does it get easier with time?

 

[KaraBulut]

Two issues, really- open relationships and post-orgasmic remorse.

After 4 years of a happy closed relationship, why the sudden change to an open relationship?

And if you don't feel good about doing it, then why are you doing it?

 

[hotintown]

basically because the desire to have sex with other guys has hit home to both of us.

Risk? yes

But surely better to accept hpnestl;y what we feel rather than keep it inside and let it fester away until we resent each other

so do we go for open or 3somes? hard to know

 

[rareboy]

The problem is that you will now drift apart from one another emotionally and physically.

It doesn't mean you won't still love one another or even that you won't be able to live with one another.

The danger is that one of you will fall in love with one of your tricks and thereby betray the other.

But it is a risk you both have agreed to take on.

Obviously the threesome thing may work out better, but it too is fraught with emotional risk and betrayal of trust.

Good luck.

 

[Seasoned]

This is something you have to answer for yourself. What's right for someone else may not be right for you. Like anything else there are trade offs. It seems to me that whatever the two of you decide you need to be communicating thoughts and feelings with each other on a regular basis. My partner and I decided a long time ago that an open relationship wouldn't work for us. We are both too intense to pull it off. We'd end up with multiple relationships. We have used fantasy, role play, pornography and sometimes phone sex to add variety.

 

[KaraBulut]

This is one of the more controversial topics in gay relationships.

There are some who feel that cheating is going to happen and that it's better to be honest about it and try to create a different set of "rules" so that it isn't "cheating".

There are others who feel that open relationships are just an admission that a relationship has failed- basically a way to have your cake and eat it too.

You've had a previously healthy closed relationship. You've gone down this path to an open relationship- only to find it less than satisfactory. If ever there were an indication that you're on the wrong path, it would be this.

 

[Shawn1]

I believe this is a difficult question for all love relationships, not just homo (or hetero) ones. My suggestion would be to communicate as much as you are comfortable with with your partner, as to me if there is no communication, there is, in the end, nothing.

Also, I'd suggest going with you gut, at least initially. If it feels icky, it is. You might want to examine why it feels icky, but that in my experience takes time and communication, both with your partner and perhaps more importantly, yourself.

Good luck

 

[Richardodessa]

As I've said before, and it's only my opinion, opening up a relationship from a previously monogamous one, is a fabulous way to say goodbye.

 

[argomac]

I can sympathise, really. My husband and I went through the same thing.
For us, it stemmed from an understanding. You can't switch off the fact that you are and probably always will be attracted to others. What you can control is how you act upon it. When first we talked about it, it was more a relief 1) that we were both feeling the same way and 2) we were desperate not to hurt the other's feelings - and this was before anything had ever happened. Can you imagine how nuts we would have driven ourselves by not saying anything?

Now - we have had a few threeways (with varying degrees of success based on the other guy), neither of us are ugly, we are both hung, our sex life with just the two of us is great. We have given each other the freedom to have sex with others, so long as we are not foresaking the other for it. So far, the freedom itself has been more liberating than actually doing anything. That and the fact that he *really* gets off on the idea or sight of me with someone else makes for, more than anything, a greater understanding of each other.
Recently on holiday together we were out in a club and another guy caught my fella's eye. Soon enough we were discussing whether or not he was hot, and eventually I was asked "would you be ok if I kissed him?". If I had said no, he wouldn't have. But there was no deception, no mistrust, there was honesty and it was, frankly, hot.

You love this guy, of course you do. I'd say the idea of being with someone else is probably hotter than actually doing it, and you'd probably find this.
More than anything else, be open and honest and don't keep secrets from him. Lying or hiding things - that's the way to end a relationship. If there's no honesty then there's no trust.

Each to their own. Some folk will disagree with me I'm sure, but in the case of our relationship, it made things better, and I'm wearing the wedding ring that proves it.

Good luck!

 

[Lube]

Many interesting viewpoints here. I'm most intrigued by argomac's comments. Open relationships--like monogamous ones--are all different.

Do what works for you.

 

[ericwhitney]

great to bring it up here, but don't forget to bring it up with your partner. maybe he's enjoying the experiment as much as you...

'eaten up with jealousy' - is this a situation where you want to sleep around but don't want him to? plenty of people have that feeling, but probably another thing to work on together.