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Meeting gay guys in a smaller city

H

halubtsi

Optimist Eternal
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Okay, I've asked for advice before, but never on meeting gay guys.

Here's some background...I came out in November 2005 while living in rural New Brunswick. Heck of a place to come out, but whatever. I knew that I was only going to live there for a year and that I'd return to Ottawa.

While in St-Francois, NB, I basically looked into starting my new life in Ottawa. I found a gay volleyball team, swim team, skiing group, not to mention a smattering of non-gay team activities that I was also going to join. So, my life for Sept. 2006 was pretty well set. But you know what they say about best laid plans.

I ended up getting a job in my hometown of Windsor, Ontario and now I'm going to be here indefinitely. So, now I'm at a loss. The only types of organizations that exist in Windsor for gays are support groups. I joined some listservs, but so far the only activities for gays are running and rollerblading. And though I'm up for that, it'll just be with one other guy. (Out of 120 members, there are only 2 guys that run and rollerblade? give me a break.) There is no gay village to speak of, though there is 1 gay bar and 1 gay club in the city.

So, any suggestions? Short of moving away, what are my options? How/where do you meet gay guys in a city that is effectively closeted?
 
One thing's for sure -- if there's only 1 gay bar and 1 gay club in your town, that's where everybody's going to be on a Saturday night! So try that -- you'll meet somebody, at least.

If you're not a bar kind of person, there's a lot of ways to meet guys online, specific to your town. A lot of people in JUB don't approve of meeting people that way, but I really don't see why it's any worse than any other way. It's just as easy to meet a sleazeball at a bar as on the Internet, right? And you can take the time to get to know them before you meet in person. You can't do that at a bar.

Also, you can get the word of mouth out. As you make more friends at work and elsewhere, just casually drop the G bomb into the conversation. Next thing you know they'll be setting you up with friends or friends of friends... or coming out themselves!

How far is Windsor from Toronto?
 
http://www.gaywindsor.com/

Is there a queer youth group in your city? Perhaps you can post something on a bulletin board there saying you would like to meet other like minded youth at a coffee house on a Saturday evening. If enough of you show up, you can always start making plans from there.
 
slobone, that's true, a lot of gays will be there on Saturday nights. lol. But I just don't like going to clubs alone. And I'm not against meeting guys for friendship online. I mean, I've met a bunch of Jubbers already. It's just that there doesn't seem to be a strong JUB presence from Windsor. And the only other sites I know of are dating sites. I'm looking to make gay friends, not so much find a boyfriend. (That's a long term goal). And I will eventually tell my co-workers, but there are only 4 of them. As for Toronto, it's 4 hours away.

austexfeet, thanks for the link. That's actually the site that I consulted to find out about the listservs. There's no queer youth group that I know of, though once the university semester starts up, I'm going to make a point of heading to out-on-campus activities/meetings.

It's just unfortunate that I have to join a gay "club" as opposed to a group activity that consists of gay guys.
 
Oh you want friends. Well, that's a lot harder than finding people for sex. :lol2:

Fraid I can't help you there. I've never had very many gay friends, except people I had sex with first who became friends later.
 
If it's any comfort to you, even finding an opposite-sex partner is hard in a small town (though not AS hard)--at least in North America--especially if you're a guy. Most of the young, eligible women in smaller, rural towns have fled for the cities, leaving behind a huge gender imbalance. If most of the guys left behind were gay or bi-, that would be ideal, but unfortunately, it's not the case.

From my understanding, Windsor isn't THAT small, so maybe we're talking about totally different things here.
 
Go to the support group meetings. I'm willing to bet that you'll find some like minded people there.
 
lol, slobone, yeah I'm looking more for friends than hook-ups. It'd be nice to have a group of friends with whom I could go to the g-bar or g-club.

puka-pride, buddy, you're in the GTA...there's no such thing as a small city there. ;) But that's a good idea about starting my own group activity. But if there were only 2 guys willing to rollerblade or run on the listserv, chances of finding v-ball, b-ball etc. players is grim at best. But, I suppose it doesn't hurt to try.

NongreasySweatproof, lol, no, Windsor isn't that small. The GWA has 300K. St-Francois, NB was small (500 people)...The "greater St-Francois area" had 1000. Again though, I'm not specifically seeking a boyfriend. Just some gay friends to hang out with.

justjoshoh, you think so? I've never been to any kind of support group, so I really don't know what to expect. I'm just thinking that I'd feel out of place, since I'm not actually seeking support, you know?

Simon123, I'm actually not too sure about groups in Detroit. Although I'd go over to Fort Kent, ME almost every other day when I lived in NB, crossing over was free. In Windsor, I'd have to pay $4 to enter the US, and then 4$ to come back to Canada. The line-ups to go back and forth are just ridiculously long, too. But, I suppose that's an option I can look into.

Thanks for all of your advice so far guys. I really appreciate it. lol, I think I should have clarified what I meant about meeting gay guys, though. I'm tyring to find ways to meet gay guys to hang out with. Just a way to make some new local friends with common interests, who just also happen to be gay.
 
Sorry I can't offer any advice Halubtsi but I can tell you I'm also looking for gay buddies - not to replace by 100% str8 friends - but in addition - LOL. The only ones I have are thru JUB - none local. I think it would be great to have a buddy who's has walked in my shoes so to speak. Wouldn't mind a BF and some hookups either but I digress.

Sounds like you are the proverbial "fish out of water" so I think your "Optimist Eternal" description is a good one. Sounds like you really are proactive and looking for positive change. Detroit seems like a play - big city - gotta be more open right?. I have good friends in Grosse Pointe which is just outside Detroit proper. They love it there and although it is more middle America than NYC (where I live), I have to be believe there is more or a gay population.

Not sure I've helped but I was taken by your situation and also by your positive outlook. Best of luck
 
Hi, What about trying the bar at off peak times, I understand going in alone on a sat night, when everyone is already in groups may be intimidating, but what about going in at lunch time (if they serve food) for a drink and lunch, take a newspaper or book and get to know the staff and the lay out and feel more comfortable in the place, or try going in again off peak after work, say, 5pm, when its not to busy and noisey and you can have a drink and again take a paper, so you have a distraction if its to quiet, but if there are other customers, and you like the look of them, you can talk and become friends. I find quiet bars, at that sort of time much nicer when I am alone and as they are normally quieter, it is easier to get talking to other people. Good Luck.
 
You think it's tough meeting gay guys in a small city......try a small town. A small rural town where cows outnumber the ppl! :)

I have to agree with Chance1. I too would like to meet some gay friends, cause all I have are a few Straight friends and they don't know what it is like to walk in my shoes. Though they do try to help! ;)
 
halubtsi

Come back to Ottawa!! lol ;)

The thing is, from what I know about you, you are all over the place. I dont exactly know why but maybe you are just one of those people that gets bored of things quickly.

I'll tell you a story. This guy (who goes to Uni in Guelph) came to Ottawa for the summer and ended up working where I work. I got to know him, I thought he was really cool ( I kind of had a thing for him) but the fact that he was talking about all these different places..that in 6 months he was going to a certain place, and then after that he was going somewhere else, really turned me off. Not just for a relationship thing but also a friendship thing.

I dont know about anybody else but the time I spend with my friends and the people I am around mean something to me. And if I know that someone wont be there down the line for sure, its harder to open up, and its harder to want to get that close to them (since you know they might not stick around) I love travelling but you need a home base.

So I dont know if that is your problem? I mean if you are all over the place all the time, is that surprising?
 
chance1, thanks for the encouragement. I'm usually quite optimistic, but recent events have shaken that confidence. I'm still optimistic, but my once unshakable faith in things working out is being dragged through the mud, so to speak. But again, thanks. Halubtsi needs some encouragement these days. lol.

Smitho, going to the bar at an off-peak time is a pretty good idea. I've done that once in Ottawa, but that was because I was meeting someone there. Everyone seemed to have been in little groups even at 6pm. I suppose I could just sit at the bar and chat with the bartender, or waste time singing on the karaoke machine. Definitely a possibility.

screwnutty, I totally understand where you're coming from. Last year, I lived in a village of 500 people. Luckily, I knew of gay people in the village and in the town, one of whom was my boss. But I never told him about myself, considering it would have been highly unprofessional for me to hang out with him. But I'm sure he knew...it's not like I kept it a secret from the other staff. And I think there was a gay bar in the nearby town of Edmundston. But I wasn't entirely certain. The door had a big pink triangle, and the name was "s-en-ciel." In French, "arc-en-ciel" means rainbow. But me being so dense didn't realize it, and it closed down 2 months after I first saw it. Seriously though, who would've expected a gay bar in a town of 25 000 people?
 
Bayern, thanks. lol, I would love to come back to Ottawa, but things didn't go as planned. I do travel around a lot and I am trying to stick to one place. But Windsor and Ottawa have been my "home bases" and where my greatest concentration of friends are found. Unfortunately, my life, as it stands, isn't conducive to being stationary. So, it appears that I'm going to be nomadic for at least the next couple of months. I don't really get bored easily, though my moving around may make it appear that that's the case. Making friends isn't really a problem for me. I've got lots of str8 ones, but I'm having difficulty finding gay guys in Windsor. And I do cherish the time I spend with my friends, but we're actually all nomadic. My 4 closest friends move around just as much (if not more) than I do. And though I miss them, we remain close because we know we're there for each other no matter where in the world we happen to be. I nickname them my pillars, because I feel their support even when they're thousands of kilometres away from me.
 
halubtsi said:
justjoshoh, you think so? I've never been to any kind of support group, so I really don't know what to expect. I'm just thinking that I'd feel out of place, since I'm not actually seeking support, you know?
Click to expand...

I think that there are more broad ideas of support really, than just support for a particular issue (e.g. coming out). There is also an opportunity for you to help provide support, if that is something you would be willing to do.

Anyway, take this group for instance. At a glance, it would appear to be a support group. It is far more than a support group though. I have been a member for over a year, and though there are "support" issues addressed (STI awareness, etc.) the group is not only there to provide support, it provides a chance to meet like-minded people in the community.
 
The easiest solution is to check out any sports groups in Detroit. There appears to be tennis and there may be more. I will bet that there are other guys from Windsor playing there.

Some clubs, skiing and hiking are two examples, have to travel to get to their terrain, so it's not always necessary to be in the same city as the club, if you can easily meet up with them at the destination.

The better solution is to do what puka-pride suggested, and put in some effort to start a group yourself. The size of Windsor suggests that there should be a lot of guys hoping for someone else to do it.

You might try with a questionnaire directed at the various gay support groups to sound out which activities are interesting to the guys or enlist the support of rollerblade guy and go to the bar with a clipboard and your smiles and even if you don't get anything going you'll end up meeting guys.
 
Yeah, I'd vote for Detroit as an option. Stereotypically not the gayest of US cities but just statistically speaking there has to be somewhat of a gay scene there. And $8? That's nothing. I fight LA traffic to go out and it costs me $30 in gas round trip. I think it's worth it though.

And off peak at a bar is great. Just chat it up with the bartender and somebody will join in at some point. Chad and I did that my last night out and had a blast. Just had some good random conversations about everything. Hell, I forgot I was at a gay bar until the bar tender gave me a hug at the end.

Other than that, I don't know.
 
I was just talking to a guy the other day who claimed that Detroit has the highest per capita number of gay bars in the US. Something about how cheap rent means it's easy for even unpopular bars to stay in business.
 
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