Meeting my parents - older/younger

[altlover85]

Ok, I'm going to try and be brief, but we'll see how that goes.

I'm 24 and my bf is 70. We've been going out for almost 3 years. He's been married and has two kids who are 40 and 43. His daughter is the oldest and is accepting. I've met her kids and her husband. It's always a bit awkward, but I don't feel unwelcome. I haven't met his son yet because the son hasn't accepted that his father is gay. My bf has been out for almost 20 years.

I met his daughter because I spend more time at his place than he does where I live because I live with my parents. I'm working on moving to Boston to be closer to him and because I enjoy Boston and cities more than I enjoy where I am currently. When he has Easter we spend time together and that sometimes entails going to his daughter's.

My family always goes to my step-dad's family and they are more conservative and are not really people that I have much in common with. I'm not out to them, but I am out to my immediate family.

Today I asked my mom if she would like to meet him and she said it was fine. When I mentioned it to him, he wasn't as excited. I wasn't either when I first went to meet his daughter, but I got more comfortable with them as time has gone on.

My question is, did I do the right thing by bring up meeting him to my mom even though there really isn't any "need" for it to happen. I feel like it's been 3 years and I've met his daughter so many times that I'd feel better if he met my parents finally. I also want to feel better about asking to be more included in his family and feel that I would be in a better position to do so if he had met my parents.

I'm also wanting to hear from others who have had their bf's or partners meet their family, especially people in older/younger relationships.

I appreciate your input.

 

[rareboy]

Only do what everyone feels comfortable with.

I think it is up to your bf whether he wants to meet your parents.

 

[altlover85]

Previous to this we had discussed him meeting my parents. It was around the time when I met his daughter, but because I hadn't broached the subject with my mom, I didn't pursue the idea any further at that time.

 

[racer2438]

I think you 2 should sit down a nd talk it out and see how comfortable the situation might be and decide if thats the way to go. Dont force him/you into things that one does not want, or not want yet.

Just say it is kinda important to you since you met his, and go from there. He may have felt blind sided by the fact that you talked about it w/mom b4 he and you raeally sat down and talked..

 

[altlover85]

I think a talk is in order. I would have talked to him about it more in depth before, but it all felt premature, since I wasn't sure if my mom was okay with meeting him. I don't really like to have drawn out conversations and then find out it was all for naught.

For example, I asked would you want to meet my mom and he seemed okay with it, but not thrilled. I didn't want to go into any more details because I didn't know the specifics of it to any real degree. I'm sure when I met his daughter I asked him who was going to be there and he told me, but I honestly don't remember if she invited us or if he asked if I could come to the event.

I guess maybe there's a flaw in my logic. I'm also feeling like because it's not essential that he meet my mom it wouldn't happen unless I brought it up. I just feel like if a couple has been together for three years and one side has met some relatives and the other hasn't, there's an imbalance in the relationship and it bothers me.

 

[Georgiadude]

I think it's a good idea to talk it over but I agree with you. You have been dating long enough. They should meet him. It may help get rid of this awkward feeling everyone seems to have about the age thing.

I wish my bf could meet my family. Due to distance (they live in North Dakota) it's impossible. He has spoken with my mom over the phone and they seemed to get along ok. She doesn't like the age difference but doesn't treat him any differently because of it. He's not out so the it's highly unlikely I will be meeting his family any time soon. Although Thursday we had a VERY close call. Yikes. Can laugh about it now but at the time is wasn't very funny.

Good luck with things. I really hope your able to work this out. I keep telling my family I want them to treat us like any other couple. Just because we are gay doesn't mean they need to treat us differently. Would they have met him long ago if you were a straight couple or if there weren't the age gap? If the answer is yes then you need to be treated like any other couple.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

I'm sure the answer is yes to both of those questions. I met my mom's husband way before the three year mark. If I hadn't met him by then, I would have been nervous.

I'm also open to the idea that I might be reading more into what he said than what he meant. He said that he wasn't excited about the idea and I guess I felt hurt by that, even though I said something similar to him when he broached the subject with me. I dislike that I get sensitive about stuff, but am not always as sensitive back to others. I have to work on that.

Thanks Steven for not making me feel crazy. Thanks to everyone else for bringing up valid points.

Of course, I'm still open to any more suggestions anyone has and would love to hear about others experiences.

 

[ArcherII]

I don't think I can help you but I can commiserate. I'm 54 and my bf is 19 so all I can say is if I were in the situation I would not be thrilled to meet your family but would do it for my boyfriend. Please keep us posted as to how it turns out.

I'm in the opposite situation - I knew his parents for years before I ever met him when he turned 18. Since I was unmarried he tested me the first day he met me - the little shit! And I failed the test (or maybe passed in his eyes), though I didn't find this out till months later. He's not out yet, and I've only ever been out to those on a need to know basis, so his parents don't "know" but we believe they suspect.

The reason for this is that when he was younger he would frequent the gay "looking for older" websites and forums and didn't know enough about covering his tracks. His mother confronted him on it but you know how good kids can be at denial when they got brothers to blame it on. So our situation now is that I'm welcome at his house and invited to broader family functions because they at least know we are very close. His mother has actually stated a few times to him "If you have anything to tell me you can because I will always love you..." He also spends so much time at my house that she actually once suggested he should consider moving in with me.

Anyway, that's just a little background on me, but I'm curious as to how any of these younger/older situations work out.

 

[Georgiadude]

I'm sure the answer is yes to both of those questions. I met my mom's husband way before the three year mark. If I hadn't met him by then, I would have been nervous.

I'm also open to the idea that I might be reading more into what he said than what he meant. He said that he wasn't excited about the idea and I guess I felt hurt by that, even though I said something similar to him when he broached the subject with me. I dislike that I get sensitive about stuff, but am not always as sensitive back to others. I have to work on that.

Thanks Steven for not making me feel crazy. Thanks to everyone else for bringing up valid points.

Of course, I'm still open to any more suggestions anyone has and would love to hear about others experiences.

Your welcome. I don't want to make you feel crazy. I am struggling with the entire being accepted issue. Not only relationship wise but being accepted by society for being gay and by the gay community for being older and in a younger relationship. I have a hard time with people/society not understanding and or accepting. Families say they accept and love you no matter what but then something like this comes up and those words tend to lose their meaning. My older brother and I are getting back to speaking again. Things were strained when I sent a pic of my bf and I at a concert. We were just standing beside each other. Nothing more. He had acted like me being gay was nothing but obviously it was.

I think your family needs to see that both of you are happy together and that it's working for you. They need to understand that it's your life and you are happy with the way things are. I'm hoping that seeing you together will help them realize that. Your bf. may be a little cool to the idea because of your reaction to meeting his family. I'm sure it's going to be a bit uncomfortable for him but once the conversation starts flowing and everyone realizes that it's a normal relationship with 2 people that care for each other things will all work out. Sometimes we build these things up in our mind and in reality everything is just fine.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

I had an ex who was 42 when I was 18 and before that I had been trying to meet older men and almost did meet one. I ended up having to lie to my mom about my ex and that tainted the whole relationship in her eyes. The fact that my ex and I were actually very different and not that compatible just made things worse. I don't think she would have ever warmed up to him.

Being with my ex, made everyone else seem better by comparison. Therefore when I told my mom how old my current bf was she wasn't thrilled, but she was much more okay with it than she would have been in the past.

She does ask about him and I try to mention him too. Things are a lot better between us and I think if and when they do meet, it might be awkward, but it will be better in the long term for integrating the relationship into my life more.

Steven, I didn't see your post when I originally posted, but my ex had similar issues with his family and told his family to either accept us or else. He was better at the whole family thing than I was, but there were so many other issues in the relationship that I'm glad it's over. We're still friends, but even that is awkward because we don't have all that much to say to one another and he feels uncomfortable calling me when I am at my bf's house.

I don't expect this meeting to happen that soon, but I'm hoping it happens sooner rather than later.

 

[Georgiadude]

well I think your smart for planning ahead and thinking about having them meet. I really wish we didn't have to sneak around and hide things. It makes it really hard. However he's the man I love and I understand why he feels he can't come out right now.

I'm sure it will be awkward in the beginning but she already knows his age and some things about the relationship. It's not like she will be totally blindsided by it. I still say that once the initial meeting takes place and everyone starts getting comfortable everything will be just fine. It's just getting past those initial butterflies that are hard.

I'm glad you and your ex get along. I'm sure it would be hard for him to call while you are at your bf's place. I don't think I would be able to do it either.


I really wish you the best in all of this. Please keep up updated.

Steven.

 

[Revan46]

I have to ask, does she know your bf is 70? You might want to let her know, because that probably is one of the biggest factors of her meeting him...

 

[altlover85]

She knows. I'm sure she's not thrilled, but she still is more open to meeting him than she was my ex who was quite a bit younger than my current bf.

 

[Revan46]

Okay. Well I wish you luck.

 

[DaniksBubu]

I don't know if I can help with situation but I can tell you that you are not alone. My story is very similar (you are actually a step or two ahead of me). My boyfriend is in his mid 40s and I have yet to reach 20.

When I finally come out to my family I will look forward to the day when they can meet him. Knowing my family, and knowing him, I can say that nothing horrible will happen and after a few days everything will be normal and the un-needed worrying will come to an end.

I actually expect to get a laugh or two out of it. There is no reason your meeting has to be awkward, dreaded, or stressed over by anyone. Just aproach it the right way and everything will be fine.