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Meeting people without necessarily coming out?

Suteki

Suteki

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Hi, guys. I'm 21, and I've never dated anyone, mostly because I'm only out to 2 people, and they're not exactly cute guys (family). I don't really think I'd like to come out, at least for now, but that's quite a problem when you are actually interested in meeting someone.

I go out with my friends, but I'm not into clubs/bars, and I've been searching for people online for ages, and it just doesn't work - I always end up being attracted to people who don't live near me, it's almost like there's no one for me around here. People around here are only looking for sex, or are definitely not my type. Maybe I'll find someone when a) I move from here >_< b) I come out.

Both options will have to wait, so, is it really that hard to find someone if you want to keep a private part of your life to yourself? It looks like that's how it is, but, is there something I can do alternatively? I live in Toluca, Mexico, near Mexico City. People here are cold and close-minded, Mexico City is much different, but I don't live there anymore...

Any thoughts, suggestions, whatever? Thanks in advance.
 
>>>is it really that hard to find someone if you want to keep a private part of your life to yourself?

Yes.

Consider it for a minute. In essence, you're saying "I want to have sex with another guy, but I don't want anybody to KNOW I want to have sex with another guy." Well, how are people going to know you're interested? It's a bit like saying "I'm hungry, but I don't want anybody to know I'm hungry. So I won't go to any restaurants (or people will know I'm hungry). And I won't tell anybody I'm hungry. I'll just look online and hope to meet someone who will offer to bring me food."

I can understand your position, but yeah - coming out exponentially increases your odds.

Lex
 
True, funny and cruel at the same time ^^ Still, being out wouldn't change the fact that I'm not into clubs and bars, and that's where gay people usually hang out... right?
 
Again, can't speak for your area of the world. But here in the States, there are "gay sections" of cities. Yeah, there's bars and clubs, but there's also coffee shops, art galleries, restaurants, boutiques...along with all the standard things like grocery stores that just happen to be in gay-heavy areas. Roughly half the patrons at the grocery store down the street are gay. In addition, we have gay "groups" here in the city - gay bowling leagues, gay cycling clubs, gay volunteer groups, what have you.

Lex
 
In order to have your omelet you have to break an egg. Get over it.
 
As the resident not out frequenter yes it's harder but not impossible. If you can come out it will probably be easier for you, if not you just have to keep on trying.

I've been on quite a few dates despite not being out, it can be harder but there are still people out there.
 
I'll be 21 later this summer and i've never dated anyone either. I really can't offer any advice...just tell you that you're not alone.

Good luck! :)
 
@Lex:

I've been looking for places like those you mentioned, and they are non-existent around here. As I mentioned earlier, Mexico City is a different story. This place looks really gay-unfriendly. I found a website with lots of public "bathrooms" where gay people can, well, have sex. It looks like all you can hope for is having casual sex with some random guy. NOT interested >_<

@saymyname:

100% agree, but right now I feel like keeping my eggs -_- Really, it'd just not be a good idea to come out right now.

@spencer:

Nice to know it is actually possible. I understand it's absurdly more difficult, but I have met really interesting people online - sadly, living really far from here.

@Tizinsane:

Good luck too! ^^
 
Not sure about you financial position, but what about a holiday to a gay friendly area?
 
In that case, you might have to look into moving. Sucks, but there it is. It doesn't have to be Mexico City - there probably are other places in Mexico with something like a gay culture.

Lex
 
So what exactly are you saying? It's a question you have to do a cost benefit analysis. You have the sex and you have plesure and it feels great. The downsides could be that people don't accept you. Why would you care though if they don't accept you for who you are?
 
@Smitho:
I'd guess that'd be better than nothing, but I'm more interested in meeting someone around here.

@Lex:
That's one of my best options, but it won't happen for a while.

@rwalker:
It's not that much about people accepting me, I just think it'd be a really tedious process. It was difficult enough with my family, it won't be any easier with the rest of the people I know. Maybe when I finish college.

You guys definitely know better, but I still think it's possible to live without telling everyone you like guys >_< Maybe being out is way easier where you live, here it's not.
 
>>>That's one of my best options, but it won't happen for a while.

Then, as my dad likes to say, "Suck it up, kid." :) I finally got a job opening I had been looking for, but it was in the middle of nowhere. Next biggest town was three hours away, and even THAT wasn't that big. And this is JUST after I came out. So I suddenly was sort of stuck as well.

What'd I do? Let the sex life ossify while I worked on other things. Got great at my job so I could get a job elsewhere. Read a lot of books. Made some friends. And jerked off a hell of a lot. :)

Lex
 
Suteki said:
@Smitho:
I'd guess that'd be better than nothing, but I'm more interested in meeting someone around here.

@Lex:
That's one of my best options, but it won't happen for a while.

@rwalker:
It's not that much about people accepting me, I just think it'd be a really tedious process. It was difficult enough with my family, it won't be any easier with the rest of the people I know. Maybe when I finish college.

You guys definitely know better, but I still think it's possible to live without telling everyone you like guys >_< Maybe being out is way easier where you live, here it's not.
Click to expand...

Maybe I missed it, but where is here? Anyway, unless you live in a place where homosexuality is illegal, it's going to be pretty much the same anywhere you're located. You do not have to tell everyone that you're into guys, especially within a specific frame of time.

However, you can tell specific people as it becomes relevent. I think the problem is that you're looking at this as a process, which is not necessary and it possibly oversimplifies the idea. In other words, if there's a guy you like, tell him. How else will he ever know? I mean, if you're trying to meet a potential boyfriend, there's really no other way.
 
I live in Toluca, near Mexico City. I get your point, but don't you think telling a guy you like you like him is kind of risky? I mean, statistically, he'll most likely not be gay, and that'd be disastrous >_< I understand there's no other way, but... sheesh, that doesn't make it any less frightening.

To be honest, I'm warming up to the idea of gradually coming out - I guess only to people who ask, but the fact is, I've only been asked once, like 3 years ago, and I obviously said no. I love being who I am, but seriously, being gay turns your life into really hard mode, while everyone else is playing on easy settings.
 
Telling a guy you "like him" is ALWAYS risky.

But it is the only way to know if he "likes you."

There you have it.
 
Suteki said:
I get your point, but don't you think telling a guy you like you like him is kind of risky? I mean, statistically, he'll most likely not be gay, and that'd be disastrous >_<
Click to expand...

An F5 Tornado is disastrous. A guy's not being gay is merely a disappointment you created for yourself by having an expectation. Taking risks is a part of life, one way or another.
 
Epic Fail said:
im in your situation kinda..

21.. not out..

wanna meet people...

dont wanna come out yet.. lol

shitty stuff, but eventually it'll be good, i guess.
For as long as you wanna keep being miserable, keep it up, when your ready then go for it lol, im still trying to figure out what new type of crowd to hang out, i wanna try to find people who might not gun me down when or if i come out, lol
Click to expand...

When you do come out, guys will be all over you. You're fucking hot! *|*
 
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