Meeting somebody.

[Rhys10]

Hi there, I’ve really just been in the shadows of this place for a few months but I could do with some insight so I’ve registered, and well here it is.

I’m 19 years old (20 in a few months), never had a relationship, have some body/self-image issues...(but who doesn’t, more on that soon) and recently joined an online dating site.

For years I was in a denial about being gay, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense, unfortunately though I’ve never had the courage to walk up to somebody out of fear of what may or may not happen. I’d like this year to go much better in that regard, I’m still not completely sure on how best to go about that, just taking it one step at a time I guess.

Last week, I was on a dating site and I ended up talking to a guy, and I’ve now talked to him a few times over the last couple of days. He “appears” to be an interesting guy, similar interests, funny and (after exchanging some photos) is really good looking and yesterday asked me out to a local coffee shop, which I said yes to. I’ve never actually thought anything could come from online dating sites, but as I didn’t have anything to lose, I decided to at least give it a try, and now I’m going to see this guy next week and just have some thoughts I’d like to see some opinions on.

We’ve established that we aren’t looking for a hook up and that I’m new to this whole thing, which he doesn’t seem to mind. I can’t help though thinking of two “issues” about this. The first is that I don’t think I’m very attractive, “technically” I’m not overweight, but I’m also not the fittest guy out there (I have started to work on that though, very slowly seeing an improvement, but will probably take a while). I think it’s the typical “There’s no way this guy will find me attractive” scenario, but given my complete lack experience in this area, I can’t help but wonder. What is the likelihood that somebody could look past physical imperfections and just like somebody for who they are? I am a nice person, I just have this habit of putting myself down because of how I look and as a result, don’t think anybody could possibly be interested in me.

The other is the whole “meeting somebody from the internet” thing. Assuming he doesn’t turn around and start running away as soon as he sees me, is it really just as simple as sitting down, talking about random things for a while before deciding it’s time to go and whether or not you “felt” a “connection”? What should be talked about if you’ve already covered the basics? (A discussion on for example, the weather wouldn’t last very long, and I’m not sure what is and isn’t appropriate to ask and talk about) Finally, has anybody actually had any success when it comes to this online business? At the moment I don’t think anything could progress further, and I seriously doubt my first try would be successful, which of course is making me wonder if there’s really much point in doing it.

As you can see, I’m very skeptical about this. I probably shouldn’t be so but I have nothing to by and would really appreciate any feedback on this.

 

[dangermouse]

Hi Rhys, glad my first post on the site can be a response

The fact that he's the one that asked YOU out (even if it was only for coffee) shows that he's able to get past looks and want to interact with you on a personal level, ive known gay men who won't even be friends with 'ugly' people. It's true that we tend to be our own worst critics, so chances are you're probably twice as hot as you think you are. Regardless of this, even if you dont end up having a physical thing with this guy, it looks like you've made a friend, which is fantastic.

Now your second issue, about meeting somebody from the internet. Me and my partner have been together for almost 4 years, and we met on gaydar. Similar to you, we met for coffee and talking first, which developed into a relationship later. It can be hard at first to talk to what is essentially a complete stranger, but it would be just as hard even if you met him in a club, doing sport etc etc. You obviously know a bit about him since you say you have similar interests, so just talk about those. Then there's your family, your studies/work, the latest movie, how hot X celebrity is ... You can even talk about how weird it is meeting people through the internet, and 10 years ago it would have been really taboo for some people.

So just go and enjoy yourself, expect to be a little uncomfortable at first, but hopefully by your 2nd skinny decaf latte you'll be chatting away like old mates.

 

[Audio Tech]

Can't help you on the dating, but I DO know that we always see ourselves very different from how others see us.

I used to feel the same way when I was young. Now when I see pictures of myself, I think "What the hell was I THINKING? I was damn cute!" Slim, but not toned, long hair, etc. I thought I was inadequate and ugly. Boy was I wrong!

Even now, I see myself different as others do. But I realize this and got over it.

So try to put that aside completely and just go have a good time. Smile!

 

[ariesstar89]

Before I can begin, let me first welcome you to JUB. Hope that you have found, and continue to find, as much from this site as I have. Now...

Your story, in all of God's honesty, takes me back a little over a year ago when I went on my first date with a guy. I was in denial of my sexuality all through high school, and my Freshmen year of college. When I turned 19 and was a sophmore, I finally realized that I couldn't have this question continue to plague me... I had to be able to understand who I was. Like you, I wasn't the type of guy to go up to a guy I thought was cute and know he was gay to ask him out. I mean, what if he wasn't? So I turned to the internet for help. I began emailing this guy that lived bout an hour away from me and all the conversations we had were great and stimulating. However, my inner demons of self-image and consciousness began to plague me, and it took me awhile before I agreed to go out with him. We decided to grab some food and we made plans shortly after. When we met I walked up to him and shook his hand and we sat down to eat dinner. My nerves were going crazy, I tried to be myself...and you know what happen? After the first 10 minutes, my nerves disappeared, because I realized that he liked me for me, and I realized that this was who I'm meant to be. We ended up dating for about 5 months.

Now that you have some insight as to where I bring my advice from, let me know try to give you some. As far as the self-doubts about your body, please please please do not worry about them. As the few above me has said, everyone is their toughest critique..I'm sure your as cute as your personality seems to be showing through here. You've already traded pictures with him, so you know he knows what you look like, and he's still wanting to meet with you and get to know you. It is sad that some guys will automatically throw any contact with a person out the door simply because of how they look, but the fact that he wants to meet with you shows how good of character he is, in that respect.

As far as how to act during the date, I can only give what I know best. Just be yourself. When you talk to him on the computer, are you putting on this fake persona or trying to be somebody else? I'm sure you're not, so why act that way when the two of y'all meet? As far as what to talk about, again..you kind of have to go with what your mind lingers to, but some things to go on would be schooling/jobs, telling stories about yourself/gettin to know some of his, gossiping about some people around you (which I've always found to be pretty fun, and can show some insight about the his humor), or even talking about how awesome such and such's latest hit is...the list can go on and on. But as I've said, just go with the situation brings you. If all else fails, get him to talk about himself. (I almost hate saying that, but you asked.)

Finally, no matter what, I think you should meet with this guy. He seems pretty down-to-earth from what you've told us, and at the very least, you just made yourself a friend that you can talk to about some things you may not be comfortable talking about with others. Just have fun with it, and don't forget to smile

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

He seems like a nice guy, go for it. Just remember, this is the first time you date someone, so don't be discouraged if you don't end up "clicking". Sometimes people you meet online are quite different in person, that even applies to you.

 

[Rhys10]

Hi everyone,

Thank you everybody who replied . I’d probably end up writing another long post if I responded to each individually, so I’ll instead summarize.

It’s good to see that the general consensus is that this meet up may not be waste of time. I have been surprisingly upfront and honest with him, I suppose the internet can take some of those insecurities away when you’re starting to get to know someone and when I see him in person I may end up being completely (or at least fairly) comfortable with him. Of course it may not end up going anywhere but at least there is potential for friendship and I certainly wouldn’t turn my back on that opportunity.

Still not psyched about not worrying about how I look, but I can’t know how that goes until I’m there so I’ll just have to take mine and everyone else’s advice and suck it up. Not being out at the moment makes it a bit hard to talk about these sorts of things, and you can only get so far thinking about it. I’m happy I was able to do it here and get some positive feedback, certainly has been a bit of a confidence boost. Just need to wait it out until next week and hope for the best .

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

I had my first date with a guy a couple of months ago. I ended up not being nervous at all! just be yourself and have fun. And tell us how it went.

 

[ariesstar89]

The thing with talking with someone over the internet is that the anonymity factor is present, just as it is here on JUB, that can make a person, you and me alike, be more open about themselves, and can truly show a person for who they are...

Let us know how it goes, we're all rooting for ya bud!

 

[youngnihilist]

You're probably hotter than you think. Remember that attraction isn't just based on societal standards, there's a lot of hidden things, and everyone has a different view. I used to be a more minor version of you, never thought I was ugly, but didn't think much. Then I found I could attract a large number of hot guys. You don't need a perfect body or model face to get that!

 

[KaraBulut]

If you reread through your post, you will see that there's a lot of "unselling" going on- that is, you're making a lot of statements about your short-comings and why this guy wouldn't like you.

It's coffee. You're not going to pick out china patterns for your wedding.

Here's the deal- when you meet people, it's more about "hitting if off"- that is, whether the person makes you feel good about yourself, whether the conversation comes easily and whether you have things in common.

People seldom walk away from these meetings saying, "He's fuckin' ugly and I never want to see him again". They're more likely to say, "We just didn't have anything in common" or "I like him a lot and I enjoyed talking with him".

So, set aside your worries about how you look and instead give some thought to what he's interested in, what he would enjoy talking about and ways to make him feel at ease. And go in with the expectation that this is just another step in a friendship... if it becomes more than a friendship, well... that's an added bonus.

 

[rareboy]

^ Kara said it perfectly.

BTW. Never go out picking china patterns on a first date.

 

[TX-Beau]

Don't belabor the date issue. Don't drop the weight of all your expectations onto a date. Just go, have a good time, and see what happens. Most of your dates aren't going to become relationships, but you can turn them into friendships if you just take the guys as they are, and don't try to project your wishes and hopes onto them.

Sooner or later, unless you hide, you'll find a guy who's interested, then you can build a relationship. There's nothing wrong with having a good time until then.

Second, if you go into a dating situation dragging along with you a bunch of self-deprecating comments and anxieties you're gonna take yourself out of the running. No matter how hard you have to try, don't start running yourself down, and making excuses why this is over before it even starts. Positive attitude, you never know until you try. There's no telling what this guy likes, and while it may seem that all gay men like hard-bodied gym bunnies exclusively, that's not really the case.

Who you want to fuck, and who you want to fuck and date, aren't generally the same guys.

 

[Rhys10]

Hey everyone, just a small update. He called be about an hour to go, and asked if it could be moved forward to tomorrow morning. I guess its better to get this over and done with so I can stop thinking about it .

Once again, thank you for all your kind words and advice, they've been really helpful

 

[ariesstar89]

Let us know how it went!