Hey guys, sorry you had to wait so long! I hope the update is worth it
Looking forward to hear what you think, so leave a comment!
Xoxo,
Fame
Chapter Nineteen: The Hollywood Sign
I still had tears in my eyes when I parked my car at the parking lot close to Dylans office when my phone rang. I flipped it open, it was the newest BoyBlogger update.
Looks like America's newest sweetheart is feeling a little lonely.
Too bad your boyfriend isn't there to comfort you Z. But remember,
it's an open heart that is vunerable to the deepest wounds.
Talk to you later,
BoyBlogger.
Under that was the picture of me from like ten minutes ago, crying in my car. Seeing the picture made me even more miserable then I already was. I threw my phone in the back seat and went up to see Dylan.
The building was bright and modern. If I wasn't so mad right now, I'd be thrilled to be here. I never actually saw Dylans workplace before.
His office was at the twelfth floor. When the elevator opened I saw a huge hallway, the floors were marble and the walls were a creamy white. At the end of the hallway I saw a desk and I hoped Miranda was there. Dylan better be here as well, or he'd experience what it was like when his leading man quit his series.
It was Miranda's desk, luckily. She seemed kinda worried.
"Hey Zac, you're here! Dylan called off a very important meeting tonight to see you, what's going on?"
"Hey, where is Dylans office?" I said, ignoring her question. Miranda was sweet but I didn't need her in any of this.
"Uuuhm, first to your left, and at the end of the hall through the big wooden doors. But why? Zac what's wrong?"
"Great thanks." I already started walking again before she even finished talking.
Without knocking I walked into Dylans office. Even though I was angry, I was blown away with how pretty his office was. The walls were dark with nice, colourful paintings on the walls and he had a desk of glass. But that wasn't what had blown me away. The entire wall behind Dylan, the wall I was looking at, was made of glass, now it was dark you saw a bird's eye view of Hollywood, with far away the Hollywood sign. It was better then any picture any photographer could ever make.
"Zac" Dylan said a litte moody. "It'll better be good, I've cancelled my meeting for you."
"Why did you do it?" I asked angry. "How could you do this to me Dylan?" My hands were shaking with anger, I balled them into fists. "That's really low."
He seemed confused, "What are you talking about? What happened?"
"The fucking BoyBlogger rumour Dylan! How the hell could you seriously even consider airing it?" All emotions, frustration, and anger only increased with every word I said. "I know it may seem like one big joke to you, but this is MY LIFE you are talking about! Yeah it probably gets more viewers but Jared and I are on really thin ice right now and this rumour messed up so much already!"
Dylan opened his mouth to say something but I didn't want to hear it. "Do you know what I've been through? I got ambushed by paparazzi, this whole BoyBlogger figure made me his new subject, I have to figure out where to sleep because obviously I can't go back to my apartment since Jared and I had a fight, AND RIGHT NOW YOU ARE MAKING THINGS WORSE BY GETTING EVERYTHING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!"
My sight got blurry but I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. What was wrong with me? I barely cried, like ever. And this few days I felt more like a sprinkler installation.
Miranda walked in. "Is everything okay? Zac, I heard you screaming from my desk. What is going on in here? Why are you so mad?"
I clenshed my teeth together, I wasn't gonna say anything. Let Dylan explain to his assistent I was mad at him because he was about to ruin my life.
"Not now Miranda. You can go home, I'll see you tomorrow."
"But, no." She really was confused. If I wasn't so angry I might have even felt sorry for her for being left out. "What if..."
"That will be all." Dylan interrupted.
She nodded and silently left the office.
"Zac" he said and sighed. "I get that you are mad, I really do. But this is amazing footage we need to use. Without this we only have enough for like half an episode, but if we use footage from the rumours, ya know. You and Jared fighting, Devon telling Mike, you and Devon, we have enough for at least two episodes right now. We can't not use it. This is very important for the continuation of Men Candy."
I took in a few deep breaths and closed my eyes so I could try and calm myself down but it didn't work at all. Very important for Men Candy? Yeah great! And how about my personal life?
I remembered what Dylan said almost two months ago at Bella, before any of this mess started. 'Of course we leave you alone for your personal space, but the camera's will be there a lot.' were his exact words. But only now I started to realize how little personal space we got. For a moment I fiercly wanted to go back to that moment and just refuse. I felt like I was trapped in Dylans cat and mouse game.
I opened my eyes, fine if anger didn't work I could always try on his emotions.
"Dylan" I looked him right in the eye. "Please don't do this." My voice almost broke.
"Please, don't let this rumour ruin Jared and me. You don't know how close to breaking up we already are, if you continue this, it will be the straw that breaks the camel's back." My heart almost broke when I realized that it was true. If this rumour was going on national television, I didn't know how Jared and I could get through this.
A tear ran down my face.
"Zac" Dylan was struggling to find the right words. "I'm... I, I don't know what to say."
"Please say you cancel this Dylan! Please, I'm begging you!" My sight got blurry from the tears again.
"I'm sincerely sorry but I can't! The footage is being edited as we speak and we really need the footage. I'm sorry but the episode is airing. And you need to read the lines I emailed you."
"Are you sure you want to play this game?" I asked him sarcastic. "And what if I refuse?"
Dylans gaze turned cold. "Then I have to remind you that you've signed a contract. So you don't have any choice."
I got mad again. "What the hell!" I shouted. "This is such bullshit!! I..."
"You know," Dylan said, pissed off now. "What part of reality show don't you get? You signed for this! You wanted this! What do you expect me to do, huh?"
He brushed his hair out of his face. "You only want to be on camera when everything is okay! Guess what, it's not working like that! That's the downside of being famous, everyone wants to know everything about you! You don't have a personal life anymore, and believe me this is just a preview of how bad it's gonna be!"
Dylan stood up from his desk and walked to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. Softer, nicer, he said "I know this sucks for you but we have to air it. And I promise you I'm trying my hardest to find out BoyBlogger is and make him stop! But untill then there isn't anything we can do but to film and air it."
I glared at him, hoping my pure hatred would crush him right then and there and without saying anything else I walked away and slammed his door shut.
I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to go home but I didn't want to bother Devon again either. So I just drove around town until I knew what to do. The clock in my car told me that it was half past ten by now. In less then an hour Jared would be asleep, at least that is what I hoped.
I saw something from the corner of my eye. It was the Hollywood Sign, I didn't know it was lighted at night. I didn't know where I was, I didn't recognize this part of Hollywood. A streetsign said Tahoe.
Tahoe was firmiliar for me. Before we came to LA, Jared and I made a list of everything we wanted to see, the Hollywood Sign on top. In the few last days we spent back home, Jer and I already figured out the directions to most of the places. If I went right by Canyon Lake and up the hill, I would be very close to the sign.
It was warm when I shut the door of my car and walked for a bit. I didn't realize before but it was a perfect summer night. The heat of the day was almost gone and now the temperature was nice. And there was the sign, closer to me then ever.
HOLLYWOOD. I analyzed every letter, size, texture, place.
I know I probably am some foolish, naive kid but the Hollywood Sign meant so much to me. It was a shining beacon of hope for all the glitter, glamour and stardom Hollywood could offer. The size zero girls with platinum blonde hair, dying to be an actress or model. The L.A. boys, confident and muscular, also trying to be models, actors or writers.
This Sign was so important for so many people, it was a symbol for their hopes, their dreams. And what where my dreams? Stardom? Fame? Jared?
Although I loved Hollywood, the weather, the people, the lifestyle, everything. I loved how you could just run into celebrities you never dreamed of actually meeting while grocery shopping or something.
But I would give everything up without thinking twice about it, if Jared and I could just wake up and be the way we were before all this.
I sighed and my mind wandered away. Thinking about Jared again and how we got so messed up.
It was almost 1 a.m. when I finally decided I was going home. I had nothing to say to Jer so I wouldn't, and I could always sleep on the loveseat, although that wasn't so comfortable.
When I came home, Jared was asleep. Without blankets I tried to get some sleep. I was tired from all the emotional and physical stress from this long day but I couldn't sleep and eventually I started crying again. I cried because the boy I loved so much and would do anything for was sleeping in the other room and I couldn't be with him. My face was wet when I finally closed my eyes and drifted away.
When I woke up I lay much more comfortable then I remembered when falling asleep. And I had blankets and pillows. I opened my eyes and I was in my bed, our bed, but Jared was nowhere to be found. That made me kinda happy, now I didn't have to face him, but sad as well. It obviously didn't mean anything for him that I was back and in a way I hoped it would.
Jer was in the kitchen, making pancakes for him and me when I walked in. This little, sweet thing he did made me furious. If he thought that everything was back to the way it used to be, he was dead wrong! He chose not to believe me, this was his fault, not mine.
"Good morning" he said and looked at me. When I looked at him I felt sad again. He was a hot mess. As pale as the last time I'd seen him and the purple circles under his eyes seemed to get even bigger. Poor thing probably felt as bad as I did. But I didn't care. It wasn't my fault he believed a stupid rumour.
I didn't say anthing, I just glared at him and grabbed a bowl for my cereal.
"No don't." Jared said when I poured the milk into the bowl, "I made pancakes for both of us."
While looking at him I poured the cereal in the bowl and took a bite. "No thanks, cereal is fine."
"But, come on, babe I already told you I'm s.." he started.
"Yeah I really don't have anything to say to you." I interrupted him. "So if you could shut the fuck up that would be great!" I smiled, I knew this kinda behaviour would piss him off.
"Zac, please just..." he tried again.
"I have nothing to say to you!" I said annoyed and started to eat my breakfast.
The next few weeks in the apartment were pure torture! I had the feeling I was walking on egg shells. Always being careful to avoid Jared as much as possible and making catty remarks when he was around. I tried my best to convince him that I was so mad at him I couldn't care less about him. Just so he didn't know how freaking much I missed him and how hurt I felt for what he did.
The first few days I really was mad at him, but as time passed I didn't know what my feelings towards him really were. I just knew that every passing day I got more and more tired, tired of fighting, tired of drama, tired of everything. I barely slept at night, I couldn't eat, everything I used to love seemed to become less and less important to me. Getting PinkBerry's with Mike and just sit on the boulevard wachting people. I could do it all day, every day. But now, I couldn't care less, clothes and my appearance mattered to me once, but now I paid no attention to what I was wearing at all. As long as I wore clothes, it didn't matter. The brand or colours or design, it all seemed so unimportant. And of course, the camera's were around to tape it all. I ignored every text Lisa sent, about being happier or more energetic or asking someone about his or her day. None of it mattered. I felt like a zombie, life passing by while I just stood there watching from the sideline.
When I woke up on a Tuesday I found a note on the refrigerator Lisa wanted to film in the apartment again, like she wanted the last couple of days. Something about capturing the tension between Jer and me or something like that, whatever. So the camera's were there too.
I read his note on the loveseat. Jer wrote down that he went to the gym, and with those few, simple words I felt more ache and sorrow then I felt in those few weeks of being numb. I only realized now Jared never stopped trying to fix us. Jared had hope for us and tried what he could to show me that he did care and that he was sorry.
He made dinner for two every night. And every night I declined, making a remark that I wanted to eat something nice for a change or something like that before I ran off again. No matter what Jared did, I shut him down and hurted him as much as possible. Nevertheless he didn't stop trying to make it right.
I started crying.
Jared tried to talk to me, every opportunity he had, trying to explain how bad he felt. And I just told him to shut the fuck up every time. I didn't even gave him a chance to explain. He probably felt as bad as I did, or worse.
I knew he was in the apartment, every time I was away. But he didn't know where I was when I stayed away for the whole night again. And I never even bothered to answer his phonecalls or texts.
My sight got blurry again thanks to amount of tears running down my face. I saw a cameraman looking at me, concerned obviously. But he couldn't do anything. The crew wasn't aloud to interfere with us when the camera was rolling. Usually they never even said anything. They were just doing their jobs.
I didn't cry now because I hated Jared, or what he had done. But I was crying for Jared, and because I hated the person I had become. How much I had hurt Jared when all I could think of was my selffish pain.
I cried, and when Jared came home I cried even harder. He rushed to me like the amazing, sweet guy he is and asked me several times what was wrong. He was really worried. And after he tried to calm me down for like ten minutes, I finally was able to say a few words in between sobbing.
"I... I... I'm so sorry!!"
At first Jared looked at me with disbelief and awe, but then he smiled widely. He opened his arms for me and pressed me against his chest.
Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.
But in Hollywood, we all know love is pain when it goes wrong. As for Z and J,
they've experienced enough pain for now. And when words get in the way, there's
only one thing left to do. Grab each other and hold on for dear life.
Xoxo,
BoyBlogger
To be continued...
