Messed around last nite with best friend...now I'm confused

[spencer]

You only ageed to give me some help with the cash when I offered for us to mess around like the old days.

If this is true, then you need help too. You didn't mention in your post of what he said that this was false. If it is false, then it's time to move on. He crazy to think you would fall for that. He should have at least come up with something better. My guess, is when he's desperate for money again, here comes the apology.

I'd actually consider turning it around and leave a message back and say, well if you don't start putting out better, you get nothing. But in reality, it's time to date and date and date, till you find a man that treats you properly.

 

[HockeyGuy89]

This is your typical response from an addict. "its all your fault"
Stick to your gunz.
Let him go.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Now we know he is a manipulative creep. Stay far away from him. Never contact him again, ever. He will say anything to get money back from you now. What an ass to blame you for all this. It's his problem!

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

it is possible though that the guy felt guilty about begging for money but not guilty enough to earn it doing lot & lobby at Burger King or stocking at Wal-mart. So maybe he did exchange sex for cash?
Barter even if he wasn't so cool with it.
Only Fizzboy can tell if that was smooth or fumbling around not so cool with being sexual.
Anyway you look at it dysfunctional and cannot head in a good direction, nip it in the bud.

 

[Fizzboy7]

I have a new update for you guys...you're never gonna believe this.

I haven't said a word to him for the past 2 days. So today, after I got off from work I text him to let him know that I wanted to stop over to pick up my DVDs that I left at his place. He texts back, "k cool, u can come thru."

He comes to the door...says what's up. I walked inside. I could tell he was in the middle of cooking some food for dinner. He had a 50 dollar bill on the table. In my mind, my immediate thought was, "I wonder who has he already started using for money in the time frame of us not talking." He picks up the cash and passes it to me.

This is how our conversation went:

He says "Here you go...I owe you this...I just wanted to pay you back for helping me out last week." I was completely shocked and I ask "wtf? are you serious about this? how'd you get this money?"

He responds, "my mom sent some money today....and next week I'll pay you the other half. I know you sacrificed and helped me out...I just wanna make sure we're still cool. I already told my mom that you & me don't talk as much anymore. Man you know I love you, right?"

I tell him "Yeah I know, I love you too man but I gotta know that I can trust what you say to me. I don't only want you to give this money back to me because you just wanna be friends again. Would you still pay me back if we never had that argument about this the other day?"

He responds, "you gotta believe me when I say that if I have the money I'll pay you back. From now on I think that's how it should be. If you lend me something, I'm gonna do what I can to give it back. That's cool with you?"

I say "that's how I think it's gonna have to be for us from mow on. But how are you sure that you'll always be able to pay it back?" Then he says, "then maybe I won't ask for it." I laugh and respond, "ok, let's see if we can make this agreement work."

He walks into the kitchen and says, "I had some steaks marinating and was about to cook, did you eat anything yet? I responded "not yet, but I wasn't planning to be over here too long...I gotta go. Call me tomorrow." He says, "yeah...ok cool. I'll call you." Then I left his place.

Guys, it seems to me as if he is trying to make our friendship work, but I didn't want to let me see that I was overly happy that he paid back the money. Maybe I should have. And maybe I should have shown more appreciation for him offering me to join him for the dinner he prepared.

I have to be certain that I can trust him though. After reading the comments throughout this thread, I wanna make sure that I'm making the right decision.

I'm thinking about keeping some distance from him just to see what happens. But I know that he must have been kinda hurt, because he even told him mom that I wasn't talking to him as much.

 

[spencer]

My guess, is when he's desperate for money again, here comes the apology.

I really hope that what little money he gave you (why are you giving him large ass denominations like $50 to begin with, you couldn't give him $10?) isn't just to win back your graces for when his mom stops giving him money.

Can you help this guy find a job or something? Quick giving him fish and instead, teach him to fish.

It's good that you're proceeding with caution. He sounds like an ok guy, all things considered, but he really needs to get his act together, or at least try.

 

[Fizzboy7]

I really hope that what little money he gave you (why are you giving him large ass denominations like $50 to begin with, you couldn't give him $10?) isn't just to win back your graces for when his mom stops giving him money.

Can you help this guy find a job or something? Quick giving him fish and instead, teach him to fish.

It's good that you're proceeding with caution. He sounds like an ok guy, all things considered, but he really needs to get his act together, or at least try.

Yes, I have been helping him apply for jobs. He asks me almost everday to help him with this.

He's in the process of getting his life back together. Overall, he really is a good guy, and despite some of his issues, he's one of the coolest people to hang around when you get to know him. He just needs to get back on his feet. I know that he's not my responsibilty, but I feel that I'm in his life right now for a reason. I give him some positive guidance.

 

[StlKj]

Frank is a master. Good luck, Fizz. You are so in over your head here, my friend.

 

[Fizzboy7]

Frank is a master. Good luck, Fizz. You are so in over your head here, my friend.

I appreciate the comment Killjoke, but I really believe that he's being sincere this time. He really wants to just be friends.

 

[texpatriot]

I appreciate the comment Killjoke, but I really believe that he's being sincere this time. He really wants to just be friends.

Tell him that you might need some help making your car payment.



From what you've shared, and from what I've read, defining the parameters of what your friendship is and isn't has been the defining problem between you two.

If you want to be friends with this guy, I love and respect that, but that the two of you apparently need to define what those boundaries are.

 

[VenomGGXX]

I can see you're attached to this guy Fizz. I hope he does turn out to be a decent guy. My boyfriend acts like this, I havent ever met him, but he claims to love me and will spend time with me soon. It's emotionally draining, but i have no one else.
You should read this


2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

 

[CGHJ]

You know what Fizz, you're not going to be happy until you give him another chance, so just go ahead and do it. He probably does really care for you on some level, and he probably does realize what a good friend you are.

However, he is what he is, and you're going to go through the cycle again, and it's going to hurt worse next time because you knew better.

See the guy in my siggie, 2nd from the right? He's exactly the same as your buddy. I'm flat broke today because of that guy, who it took me a year to get rid of. My life sucks pretty hard right now because of him, but every day I silently think to myself, "At least he's not in my life anymore."

The videos he made for me were his way of paying me back, but the ratio of what he did for me compared to what I did for him was seriously way way way off. Sure he used to tell me all the time how much he owed me, how grateful he was, used to constantly say he'd be looking for a job and would pay me back as soon as he had one, wanted to make his own money and not rely on other people because he hated owing people etc etc. And in his mind he might have even meant it. I'm sure he really loved me. But he was who he was, and eventually I moved on. Wish I'd moved on sooner.

So your buddy is probably not intentionally evil, or intentionally conning you, but you deserve better and just because one person is nice to you you don't HAVE to be nice back. There's like 5 billion people on the planet, one of them is better suited for you than this guy, and you'll eventually figure that out. I have a feeling you're going to have to figure it out the hard way, but sometimes you have to actually touch the stove to figure out that it's hot.

You'll be back in the cycle again soon enough, I'd bet my balls on it. If you must go back to being this guys friend, for god's sake go out and make some other friends too. You can have more than one you know

In any case, good luck!

 

[KaraBulut]

He's in the process of getting his life back together. Overall, he really is a good guy, and despite some of his issues, he's one of the coolest people to hang around when you get to know him. He just needs to get back on his feet. I know that he's not my responsibilty, but I feel that I'm in his life right now for a reason. I give him some positive guidance.

The fact that you're always able to focus on the positive aspect of people's personality and situation is laudable.

But it is also going to be your undoing.

You're caught in a circle- you're lonely, so you take in these strays and try to help them, they take advantage of you, you end up lonely... and the cycle starts again.

Everyone needs a purpose in life. But your first obligation is always to your own happiness. And that is where this is all falling apart. You're putting your needs aside and focusing on other people. And until you break that cycle, you'll always end up at "lonely".

But that is your choice to make.

 

[cardshark]

Hey Fizz, I am encouraged by your last post and I think you should give this another chance.

Sometimes, we build up scenarios in our head, people taking advantage of us, using us, etc, when it is not reality. You really ought to give this relationship/friendship (I'm not sure where you guys are at) another shot. He has come up big time - offering a sincere apology, backed up by $ and not just words, and he sounds like he is into you. You really have nothing to lose and you'll regret it if you don't give it another go.

You should learn from this experience that communication is very important. But not just the act of talking, but how you talk is also important. Being accusatory puts people on the defense. You definitely came off as accusatory in your posts when you talked about you confronting him about the situation.

Best of luck with this guy! I hope it works out cause it sounds like you are in love with him. Keep us posted.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Fizz, seriously. Just STOP. Stop and listen.

IT IS YOUR LIFE. This guy is a parasite. A feeding, sucking, co-dependant entity. You deserve better than this, and you would not be on this forum if you did not have serious doubts as to the validity of what's going on.

It has all been spelled out to you, in bold, in primary colors. I don't think at this point anymore could really be said to you.

You've been given a host of excellent advice. People that have walked in your shoes and bled the pain and indecision that you have. There are also those that have watched people like you suffer through weeks and even years of this co-dependance.

It is all well and good to look at the other person. You know who he is. We've told you what he's about.

Now: Time to look at yourself.

Ultimately, this is where the true problem rests. You are a caring, giving person. Nothing wrong in that. However, you are letting in the sort that takes advantage of that. Is that what you want? I mean, really. You are being used. As a young, financially independant person with a world of opportunities, is this what you want your life to be like?

You really do need to look inward, to see why you allow this to happen to you.

Aren't you worth more?

 

[StlKj]

<<<<He responds, "you gotta believe me when I say that if I have the money I'll pay you back. From now on I think that's how it should be. If you lend me something, I'm gonna do what I can to give it back. That's cool with you?"

I say "that's how I think it's gonna have to be for us from mow on. But how are you sure that you'll always be able to pay it back?" Then he says, "then maybe I won't ask for it.">>>>



You know what a real friend would have said here?

"In the future, I'll never ask for money again. You're my friend, and I don't ever want money to be an issue between us again. I also don't want you to spend any on me."

 

[aijalon18]

I'm just gonna wish you luck.

You didnt come here for advice. You basically came to get people to encourage you to keep getting dealing with this boy and his mess. The only people you seem to agree with are people who encourage you to continue dealing with him.

Anytime someone offers advice about you leaving him alone you have all this nonsensical excuses for why you CAN'T leave him alone and how he NEEDS you. If your feeling so charitable why dont you go to a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter? i know you won't because you know he doesnt need you. You just are creating this fantasy to keep him in your life because you have feelings for him.\

I'm not trying to be awful to you but just dont want to listen.

 

[blahman16]

i found this thread to be very helpful to a similar situation i am in. i think i've been played

how can it go from being fine and dandy on one day, where he says he loves you, to a total blockage of ignoring my emails and calls? (he used to text everyday!)

 

[Just_Believe18]

This is the part where the abusive husband brings his battered wife flowers and tells her he loves her and will never hurt her again. She usually believes it.

 

[Fizzboy7]

Hey guys, I was reading some of the comments posted. Thanks for all the support. Here's the latest update.

Since I last spoke with him over at his place a couple of days ago, I haven't really had any conversation with him. Usually, he calls everyday when he knows that I'm done at work. He hadn't called or sent any texts after two full days, so last night, I figured that I would call just to see what he was up to.

When I tried to call, he didn't answer. I waited about 30 minutes and attempted to call again. Still there was so answer, so I sent him a text just to say ''what's up, I wanted to stop over and hang out.'' He texted me back, about 30 minutes later, ''wat up...I'm busy right now.'' I texted back, ''why r u so busy?'' He never answered. In my mind I was thinking that he didn't want me to stop over there, because he didn't need anything from me.

All of this just serves as confirmation that he only wants to chill with me when he needs something. When he gets money from his mom or from some other source, which could involve sex, he just spends it all on his weed habit, and hangs out all day smoking with another dude that lives in his building. This dude he hangs with in his building doesn't have a job either. He'll only call when he needs more money from me so he and that dude can smoke all day from the money I gave him.

I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling used and depressed, and I know I deserve better out of life. I'm not calling him ever again. This time I sticking to that.

Thanks agan guys for helping me through this. If it wasn't for this thread, I would probably have never been able to let him go.