Messed in the head

[Kulindahr]

I had my first date the other night. I didn't even think of it as a date till the dude said yeah, let's get together again; I asked, jokingly, "Was this our first date?" and he's, "Yep." So we agreed to get together again; in fact I was gonna crash with him tonight.

I texted him a while ago to check on things... and now he's going with a chick!

My head is messed up. That was the first date of my life, and looking forward to another one was ... crap, there aren't words! "Wonderful" seems cheap... so, well...

He wants to be friends, and so do I, but

But I guess I just don't understand. We just exchanged two dozen text messages, and shared a lot of stuff, but it's words, and it isn't my brain that needs the help so much. I guess "understand" isn't the right word, then, huh? Maybe "grasp" -- 'cause it's my heart that's confused more than anything. I've had so little luck getting any friends in my life since I came out, and had armored my heart against believing anyone would care about me, and then he melted mine by telling me I'd stolen his, and there went the armor, and...
and tears on the keyboard don't get through to the screen, but they're there. One moment tears are streaming down my face, the next his words seem reasonable and I feel fine, the next I just feel hollow just like back when I came out and suddenly the people I knew acted like I don't even exist.

Anyway, my heart is all over the place, my head is just kinda unplugged maybe, and I've probably dropped a liter of tears so far.

Like the robot in the movie said, "Input! Need input!"

 

[luminum]

I'm sorry, Kul.

He's a jerk. Don't worry. If anything, this should show you that it's not impossible. He isn't the only person who will beinterested in you, and I don't think at all that the other guys out there will be so stupid to let someone like you go.

::hug::

 

[JakeLucas]

Hey Kul

I'm sorry to hear about this, buddy. I know you were looking forward to seeing this guy again. From what you said, you were pretty excited about a second date with him.

But isn't this the guy who couldn't quite work out a time and place to get together with you? Isn't he the one who couldn't get away from his roommate... and then his roommate was following him around and wouldn't leave him alone? And his friends locked him in the bathroom?

If it's the same guy, I think you are probably better off ... with someone else. It sounds like he's not very stable.

And maybe it's better that this happened now, instead of, say, a month from now, after you'd become involved with him.

You let your guard down... your "armor"... and you got hurt. Yeah, unfortunately that happens sometimes... to all of us. I know how you're feeling. I've been there. I know that doesn't make the pain go away... it doesn't even dull it. But you have my sympathy.. and lots of it.

I wish there was some way I could jump through the screen and give you a big old bear-hug and tell you everything is gonna be ok. You'll have more dates. You'll make more friends. It will happen eventually. And in the meantime you have us... your JUB friends... for support.

Here's the biggest hug I could find on short notice...

Hope you're feeling better, buddy.

 

[Kulindahr]

All his friends at the bar said he's just so sweet, and that's the way it seemed to me too. I guess he's been torn for a while between this gal and guys, and his friends thought he'd never go with a gal... but I didn't know any of this, except that he's sweet.
I wish he'd at least gone through with tonight. Or maybe that would have made it worse? No, I don't think so.
But what do I know? One date in my life... and with my record, it'll be 16 months before a second one.

 

[colemanshs]

I'm sorry dude. I hope things start to pick up for you. You'll find someone soon!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Kul,

Mate I feel for you...my heart actually aches for you... and its not because of this guy so much...its because of what he represented. You lifting off, getting wings, and realizing that the past was the past and that your life is full of hope and happiness. Now to hear you say you feel hollow again...

Kul... it happened. You found someone. You found some one you connected with, someone that you enjoyed being around and someone you wanted to spend time with. It was someone who made you feel real and whole again.

Its matters not one bit that it was one date and a few texts. It matters not that this guy has his own issues nor does it matter that he treated you badly.

Whats important here is that you felt alive. You felt hope and you felt relief. You taking it so hard is a beautiful thing...it shows you love you care...and yes you hurt. But thats who you are...and who you can and always will be. A trusting beautiful honest guy.

Please take heart from this. Its so hard right now I know. I see your tears in my keyboard and I can feel your heart ache...because I've been there too. But thats why it gives me hope. Its proof that with risk comes reward. And while it hurts now its that little bit of hope that makes it worth the struggle.

And it is Kul. Its ok to feel the pain. Its ok to hurt. And its ok to question why. Just remember those first few moments and that joy. Cling to it and carry it with you. Let it fuel you and inspire you. You deserve nothing more.

 

[looseliam]

I assume this is the same person you discuss in your blog.

What I don't really understand is what is meant by "going with a chick."

Has he told you he's decided to date this girl. Or has he simply said "Sorry, tonight I'm going to hang with this chick."

 

[Kulindahr]

Yeah, this is the guy in my blog. I can't even remember now how amazing it felt on and after the date... I won't be able to write the rest of that storty. But now... He decided to date a chick. She doesn't want him to spend time with anyone else.

It took a year and a half, all the time since coming out, to make this connection. I've heard a guy will easily go through a half dozen bfs before finding a long-term one, and a dozen dates to find a bf. At this rate, I'll find someone who really matches me in about 108 years.

 

[Kulindahr]

Robert, the only dream I've had since a little over a year ago when seeing EMBERS on the side of a building turned me from ending it all has been just a few buddies I can snuggle with, "buddies with benefits" even. This went beyond my hopes, and then....

I feel like someone dropped a 180-lb anvil into my chest, point first.

 

[chatolandia]

I'm speechless.

My heart goes out to you

 

[billybob109]

That movie is short circuit. Movies rocks!

 

[Kulindahr]

I feel like going to a bar and getting majorly buzzed, then to a bath house to see what can happen to me.

 

[looseliam]

I second the going out. Although I'd get hammered, not buzzed. But to each his own.

Yeh this sucks right now. But you also don't know what is happening on his end and you never know what can happen.

 

[Eagle653]

Man, I'm sorry to hear this. Don't lose faith--there's someone out there. Hopefully, the next one will like guys and 1) know it and 2) not change his mind!

 

[Kulindahr]

a year and a half since I came out till I got a date. how many dates till I actually find a bf? will I be on Social Security by then? will I be able to dance with him?

 

[rareboy]

I would suggest less text messaging and blogging and on-line hook-ups and more time out in the world making contact with more people. I increasingly see more instances of people actually creating distance between them and other people by technology...to the point where everyone is starting to think that it is even okay to text 'dumping'.

Join some organizations; a gym.... or volunteer for something and I'll bet you wouldn't have to wait a year and a half for a date again.

As for this guy, don't see him again. He sounds like poison.

 

[Roland00]

Well if you ever need a "massage" look me up for a free one

 

[Kulindahr]

The nearest gym to where I live is an eighty-minute drive.
The nearest gay bar is 105 minutes.
The only volunteer work where I live is either the project I go going, and do 90% of, or people over 65.
If I tried to find a date with a guy where I live, odds are I'd end up with either a $20,000 hospital bill or an equally expensive funeral.

My guess is he's really struggling with something, through something, but that doesn't help me any; it hurts just as much.


To get out to the place I met him, and meet others, I have to scrimp and save and line up out-of-town work, and beg a place to stay, usually where I'm working -- on a couch, a floor, but sometimes in my truck.

Technology is the only thing I have to keep in touch with the few people I have who do care about me. My best buddy is 6 hours away by plane, not counting travel to and from airports. My second closest friend is two hours away, living with his parents due to a mix of disabilities. Third is 100 minutes away. With gas prices here, it costs me about twenty bucks to go see either of them. And with the sucky phone service where I live, text is more dependable.

It's either technology or nothing... or be homeless in the city to be near any possibility of meeting people who won't think a knife would look good in my ribs, or my legs look good after a bulldozer ran over them. I tried that one for a while; it's okay when temperatures are above 50 F, but otherwise it's a good way to get sick and in the hospital.

 

[Kulindahr]

BTW -- I couldn't pull together enough energy to drive an hour to the bar... no way was I going to the one near where I am; I'm not ready to run into him in public. So I'm here feeling like someone ran electricity through me and the numbness won't go away.

I want to see him -- to hit him, or hug him, I don't know. But for me this can't be ended till I can actually talk with him.

 

[Sausy]

Sorry to hear about this,Kul.Wish I had great words of wisdom to help ease the pain,confusion and disappointment,but not exactly doing so hot in the potential relationships department myself...just a great big because you deserve better!