Met a guy in class, but don't know how to move forward

[bigpayback]

I just started a computer class at the end of March and I met this guy. We were in a computer lab and I was on one side and he was on the other. We were facing each other, but had a table between us with the computers on top of the table. We would constantly glance at each other. He was making sounds with his voice and I smiled and commented on it, and the ice was broken at that moment. I added him online and would talked back and forth and after a few days, he knew I was gay and vice versa. Then we went out one night to the mall and then after in his car we made out and had sex about a week after we met. It might sound like we moved quickly, but it felt right.

But now I feel like he doesn't want a relationship and I feel like a fool. Mainly because he's out and loving it hanging out with his friends and family. We're the same age, but I'm pretty sure he's been out since high school. None of my family knows and I feel like maybe it's not fair to him. I feel like I have to make a move to come out soon, or else I will lose him. It depresses me sometimes. I actually cry sometimes and I feel like shit. I don't feel that way, no one should feel that way. I need to come out. I have visions of just telling my mom, "I'm gay, I just wanted to tell you that." I know, I wish it could be so simple. The crazy thing about it is that I don't go out with girls and I've seen musicals like "Chicago" and "Dreamgirls" with my mom because I look at musicals as just movies that interest me and not stereotypes. Plus, my mom is one of my best friends. Doesn't sound familiar. I also love sports, mainly tennis, so I have a variety of interests that don't define me as gay or straight, etc. But still, it's yet to be addressed and it NEEDS to be addressed. I'm not really asking for advice because it's pretty clear what I need to do, in terms of my mom, but this post is more for the purpose of venting then anything else. Thanks for listening, or rather reading.

 

[MrBoBo]

I just started a computer class at the end of March and I met this guy. We were in a computer lab and I was on one side and he was on the other. We were facing each other, but had a table between us with the computers on top of the table. We would constantly glance at each other. He was making sounds with his voice and I smiled and commented on it, and the ice was broken at that moment. I added him online and would talked back and forth and after a few days, he knew I was gay and vice versa. Then we went out one night to the mall and then after in his car we made out and had sex about a week after we met. It might sound like we moved quickly, but it felt right.

But now I feel like he doesn't want a relationship and I feel like a fool. Mainly because he's out and loving it hanging out with his friends and family. We're the same age, but I'm pretty sure he's been out since high school. None of my family knows and I feel like maybe it's not fair to him. I feel like I have to make a move to come out soon, or else I will lose him. It depresses me sometimes. I actually cry sometimes and I feel like shit. I don't feel that way, no one should feel that way. I need to come out. I have visions of just telling my mom, "I'm gay, I just wanted to tell you that." I know, I wish it could be so simple. The crazy thing about it is that I don't go out with girls and I've seen musicals like "Chicago" and "Dreamgirls" with my mom because I look at musicals as just movies that interest me and not stereotypes. Plus, my mom is one of my best friends. Doesn't sound familiar. I also love sports, mainly tennis, so I have a variety of interests that don't define me as gay or straight, etc. But still, it's yet to be addressed and it NEEDS to be addressed. I'm not really asking for advice because it's pretty clear what I need to do, in terms of my mom, but this post is more for the purpose of venting then anything else. Thanks for listening, or rather reading.

You said it best right there were I turned it RED, That is one of the first steps of many that you will encounter. Believe me it never gets easy but being true to oneself is the best feeling in the world. You say your mom is your best friend, I would suspect she already knows...have faith and follow your heart.

Remember we are here for you at JUB.

 

[trawler69]

Well vented! and your analysis it, of course, quite correct. The only person this is a big deal to is you, not your Mom or anybody else. If you don't do what you know is right for you the only person to lose will be you. Have a read of some of the reactions people on here have had when they come out and you will see the truth in these words.

Good luck and good thinking

 

[RicanDAB]

Sounds to me like this was your first real close encounter with another guy where you let your guard down and wanted to get into a relationship and he did not ... it happens. But in terms of your mom, I sense she already knows and will embrace you more if you tell her. She perhaps is giving you the opportunity to do it in your own time.

 

[bigpayback]

Sounds to me like this was your first real close encounter with another guy where you let your guard down and wanted to get into a relationship and he did not ... it happens. But in terms of your mom, I sense she already knows and will embrace you more if you tell her. She perhaps is giving you the opportunity to do it in your own time.

You're right, this was my first time that I felt romantic feelings for. He may still want to be in a relationship, but I'm getting vibes that he doesn't want to deal with the baggage of me dealing with "coming out." He's even asked me if my mother knew and I said no. He kind of nodded his head and didn't say anymore about it. I feel like this is a do or die decision; I'm at a roadblock. It's not fair to anyone and I know that, but it's really hard as you guys know. And maybe my mom does already know, but I'm not sure.

 

[KennyD]

It depends on how much this guy means to you ... are you willing to risk losing him because you don't want to tell your mother 'n then be sad and upset all the time ? OR would you rather tell your mom , have this guy , and ... BE HAPPY and FULFILED ? What a hard decesion ...

 

[fiorio]

you shouldn't took off your pants so fast if you want a relationship.

 

[orem244]

While I do think that it's a good idea for you to come out to your Mom, do it because you want to, not because you think that some guy will dump you unless you choose to be completely open about your sexuality. To be honest, it just sounds like this guy isn't very interested in pursuing a relationship with you. And although the fact that you're "not out" might be a factor in his reluctance to get involved with you, no guy that you are just starting to date is worth making such a life-changing decision for.

So yeah... I definitely think that you should come out to your mom... but only because it will make you feel better, not because it would please a guy you are interested in.

 

[bigpayback]

It depends on how much this guy means to you ... are you willing to risk losing him because you don't want to tell your mother 'n then be sad and upset all the time ? OR would you rather tell your mom , have this guy , and ... BE HAPPY and FULFILED ? What a hard decesion ...

haha You make it sound so incredibly simple, but like I said, something has got to give. So you're right.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

While I do think that it's a good idea for you to come out to your Mom, do it because you want to, not because you think that some guy will dump you unless you choose to be completely open about your sexuality. To be honest, it just sounds like this guy isn't very interested in pursuing a relationship with you. And although the fact that you're "not out" might be a factor in his reluctance to get involved with you, no guy that you are just starting to date is worth making such a life-changing decision for. So yeah... I definitely think that you should come out to your mom... but only because it will make you feel better, not because it would please a guy you are interested in.

Orem said it for me, too.

Do not confuse the two things:

#1
Being OUT

#2
Being loved by someone to the point that he wants to enter an LTR with you.

...
As you see, those are two very different issues. IMHO, even if you came out to all the world today, your friend would probably not respond by starting a comitted, LTR with. He seems to have other priorities and other plans...sadly, you might not be topping his list.

Take your time and move on. There are plenty of other, highly qualified guys out there...

SC

 

[bigpayback]

Orem said it for me, too.

Do not confuse the two things:

#1
Being OUT

#2
Being loved by someone to the point that he wants to enter an LTR with you.

...
As you see, those are two very different issues. IMHO, even if you came out to all the world today, your friend would probably not respond by starting a comitted, LTR with. He seems to have other priorities and other plans...sadly, you might not be topping his list.

Take your time and move on. There are plenty of other, highly qualified guys out there...

SC

I'm hoping it's all just a misunderstanding. I definitely want to come out for myself and no one else. However, I really like this guy and maybe he wasn't just horny one night and wanted sex. It looks even worse since he was a top. I send him a message about if that night was just "having fun" and I haven't gotten a response back. It's been only a day's time, but I'll see him again in person, so. As of now, I'm still confused, and I don't want to be a fool. Sometimes, I feel like a jealous maniac, but the fact that he never addresses how he feels, it just leads to assumptions, and as we all know, that's never good.

 

[timnmostud]

It looks like you are getting some good advice from most of the guys on here. As far as coming out, you do have to do that for yourself at the right time for you and no one else. I agree that your mom is waiting for you to do that. But, the timing still needs to be yours. As for your feelings for this guy; I remember those kinds of feelings all too well. It is REALLY pretty common to have very intense feelings for someone that you had sex with when it is all still so new to you. It is easy to say all of that and harder when you are the one going through it. Time is on your side. Give it a few days and try to relax. Who knows? He may be more interested than you think. Then again, maye not. Either way, concentrate on you and NOT everyone around you. Good luck. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[bigpayback]

It looks like you are getting some good advice from most of the guys on here. As far as coming out, you do have to do that for yourself at the right time for you and no one else. I agree that your mom is waiting for you to do that. But, the timing still needs to be yours. As for your feelings for this guy; I remember those kinds of feelings all too well. It is REALLY pretty common to have very intense feelings for someone that you had sex with when it is all still so new to you. It is easy to say all of that and harder when you are the one going through it. Time is on your side. Give it a few days and try to relax. Who knows? He may be more interested than you think. Then again, maye not. Either way, concentrate on you and NOT everyone around you. Good luck. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Thanks for actually reading and being understanding. What's really crazy is that I've sat right across from this guy in class four times since we had sex. We've even talked about things, because obviously we're not going to discuss our sex life in class. And when I sent him a text saying how great the sex was, he said "aww." I felt split between offended and cute. I guess that's a sign right there. He should have said it was great back, unless he didn't think it was. Oh no, here I go. Maybe I'm answering my own question.

 

[rareboy]

Sorry bud, I don't think that he's looking for a long term tie-up with you or even necessarily anyone else. You coming out isn't going to change this one way or another so if you do tell your mom/girlfriend that you're gay, do it for the right reasons.

 

[slobone]

Yeah, you're just going to have to accept that he's not interested in a repeat performance. If he were, he would have been a lot more responsive to your approaches. Do yourself a favor and move on before your feelings get hurt any more.

As for coming out to your mom, do it if you think it will improve your relationship and allow you to be more of yourself when you're with her. Don't do it if it will cause a major family crisis or throw her into a panic. You know her better than we do, so think about which is the best way to go.

 

[mnaoitb]

i hope you come out, i hope i come out too haha, i am out to my sister but it is only a matter of time before i come out to my mom, my freinds in uni know, but only a couple of my highschool freinds know, i am torn aswell, but i am with you on your emotions, come out to someone close to you like a freind and then some of the pent up emotions will leave with the experience. Sometimes i wonder what parents want from their kids, for them to have sex with the opposite sex, i doubt that they think about that so i dont know what the big deal is, damn human civization!!!!Just kidding...

 

[cellular]

I also love musicals! chicago and moulin rouge are my favorites, other than that, i love movies that make me think. Like basic instinct 1, da vinci code, etc

 

[eyeboy]

Hey bigpayback I know how you're feeling cause I'm in the same boat as you regarding coming out to your parents. But how does your mum feel about homosexuality? Is she open minded enough to accept that or is she more of the traditional sort?

If your mum can't accept homosexuality, then it's best not to come out to her. But if she is, then go for it..

 

[Elwood]

Well vented! and your analysis it, of course, quite correct. The only person this is a big deal to is you, not your Mom or anybody else. If you don't do what you know is right for you the only person to lose will be you. Have a read of some of the reactions people on here have had when they come out and you will see the truth in these words.

Good luck and good thinking

I totally have to agree here we tend to predict these dire consequences of our own coming out. Most of the time it is no real biggie, at least in my case thats what happened. I had added shock value as well, as I was married with kids and came out at 38. I feared the worst and never planned on coming out, but 3 years later I am out to almost everyone and there was absolutely no drama even with my ex-wife.

Bigpayback I wish you all the luck with your coming out process, it sounds like your mother would be cool with the idea you are gay, just remember it gets easier with every person you tell and it is an amazing feeling once you are out.

 

[StudboySeth]

you shouldn't took off your pants so fast if you want a relationship.

Over a week is a long time, right??

Hey bigpayback I know how you're feeling cause I'm in the same boat as you regarding coming out to your parents. But how does your mum feel about homosexuality? Is she open minded enough to accept that or is she more of the traditional sort?

If your mum can't accept homosexuality, then it's best not to come out to her. But if she is, then go for it..

Um, my parents are both big Baptists, and always said they hate gays, but when they found out that I'm gay they've been nothing but supportive. I think I took it way worse than them...I felt like I've been hiding this all my life for nothing, and now it seems that since they actually know a gay guy very well (I mean they raised me) they don't hate gays...it was more just ignorance. I was talking to my mom a few days ago and she asked me why I've been so depressed and reclusive recently, and I owned up to everything--that I broke up with a guy and he's since become a prostitute, and that raped a year ago and the anniversary is coming up and I've been thinking about it a lot and having dreams about it, etc. She was mad at me for not coming out to her sooner so that she could have helped me deal with these things.

When they found out I'm gay (through myspace--not that I said I was gay on there until they found out through a friend's comment) they felt awful that my life had been hell because of them up to that point. I'd suggest telling her, it's either let her know so she can either reject you or support you, or you live in misery for not letting her and the world and yourself know who you really are.