Met an awesome guy, but the sex is not that great

[NewStart]

So, here's my dilemma. After a couple of long distance relationships that inevitably didn't work out, I've actually met a really nice guy where I live. I'm attracted to him physically and mentally, which for me is quite rare. We have similar interests, and yet are different in ways that makes discovering each other a lot of fun. But here's the catch: sex with him has been quite unsatisfying.

We waited for a couple of dates until we had sex. When we did have sex, making out and the oral sex was really good (i blew him). But here's the problem: I'm a bottom and like guys to play with my ass - squeeze it, finger it, spank it, but he seems entirely uninterested in my ass.

Now, we haven't had the top/bottom conversation. I was thinking that given our mutual attraction, it would be superficial to let a relationship go just because of the top/bottom thing. Especially, since I can't really have full on anal sex anymore (developed fissures and haemorrhoid a few years back that refuse to heal). But despite all the rational considerations, I do feel like there's a gap.

What should I do?

 

[Seasoned]

Have the conversation. Be blunt and tell him what you’ve told us. We all need to get away from the notion that relationships “just happen.”

If he is inclined to also bottom it may be a huge relief that you’re looking for ass play rather than full on fucking.

Sounds like there’s great potential here. I hope it works out.

 

[NewStart]

Hi Seasoned, thanks for your reply.

I wasn't quite so blunt but I did speak with him. After fooling around a bit yesterday, I asked him what he was into - the whole, top, bottom, versatile thing. He told me that he has only ever bottomed in the past, but certainly wants to explore topping. He asked me - and I told him that its kind of same for me, but I have topped on a few occasions. We laughed that I was therefore more experienced than him.

We kind of left it there. I think this relationship will need work to make it sexually satisfying, but I think that since both of us are being flexible probably is a good sign and gives us something to work with. Any thoughts from JUBers?

 

[Cormac135]

A double-headed Dildo would come in handy.

Alternatively just mix it up with who gets fucked and is fucking, just enjoy it.

 

[sixthson]

Some people seem to be natural born lovers. The rest have to be taught.

 

[KaraBulut]

... But here's the problem: I'm a bottom and like guys to play with my ass - squeeze it, finger it, spank it, but he seems entirely uninterested in my ass....

What should I do?

Echoing the advise that you've been given thus far:

Speak up. He's unlikely to be a mind-reader. If you want something in bed, ask for it.

Some people seem to be natural born lovers. The rest have to be taught.

^QFT

We get so caught up in the whole top-bottom paradigm that we miss something more important: there are givers in bed and there are takers in bed. The givers are more inclined to pay attention and they get pleasure from getting their partner off. The takers tend to focus on getting what they want and sometimes forget that their partner wants to get off, too.

If you want to be a good lover, you learn to be "giver-taker versatile". You aren't afraid to ask for what you want and you aren't afraid to ask your partner what they want.

 

[hylas]

I think sexual incompatibility is a really good reason to not take things further, and shouldn't be underestimated. But it also sounds like you could explore a little more with this guy. Good luck!

 

[cocksucker4use]

OK, in 7 years you will probably be "brothers" anyway, so why throw away a good man just because he's a useless fuck? It's a cost/benefit thing. If he is really into you, as much as you are him, then having the "buttsex talk" should be a useful exercise. Eat me, finger me, sodomize me!!! My ass is yours for the taking! Don't have the talk in bed, and spring it on him. It may not go well. Do it in a neutral place and hopefully both share your thoughts and feelings around sex in general. Tell him you really like him, and wonder what you can do to make sex great for him, kink or whatever YOU are open to the possibilities, and then....In any event see if you can start out slow. Have you rimmed him? As someone mentioned, the double Dildo thing ain't bad...and switching is really an advantage.

 

[mcbrion]

Some people seem to be natural born lovers. The rest have to be taught.

And these days, MAN, is that ever true.