My boyfriend is sleeping right now and I can't. I need to talk/vent so I thought I'd make a post here. This might end up being a little long but here goes:
My boyfriend and I first met over a year ago through a hook-up website. When we first met, we were just looking for sex... possibly something ongoing like a friends with benefits situation but that was it. At that time I had only been with one other guy and it was a two-time hook up. Up to the point when my boyfriend and I met, I had been struggling with my sexuality. I knew for a long time that I wasn't straight but I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself - but I've never been physically attracted to women and never dated.
When my boyfriend and I first started talking there seemed to be an instant connection. We talked online all the time and when we eventually met in person for the first time, it went really well. After about 10 months of hanging out/hooking up, I did what wasn't supposed to happen - my feelings for him grew and I fell for him. Then he told me he met a girl he was interested in. By the way - we're both not out. No one knows about us and we're both fine with that for now. I hoped eventually it might change but I'm in no hurry. Anyway, when he told me he met a girl I felt almost crushed. We eventually talked about it and we thought we had straightened things out. We were having some fun and were great friends and wanted the friendship to continue. Well, it ended up not working out with this girl and I had made a few online friends through gay.com and added them to facebook and myspace. When my boyfriend noticed it, he felt the same thing I felt about him when he met that girl. We again ended up talking and finally both admitted to each other we had feelings for each other and loved each other and wanted to try being in a relationship.
We were talking on AIM late one night about all this and when we were talking about the relationship, he said he had always wanted a wife and kids but was happy with me. He said he might still want a wife and kids one day but for now was happy with me. This threw up a flag and my gut told me I should have said something but I was so excited to be in a relationship with him that I let it go. Four months later (today)... Last night we went out with some friends and there was drinking. On the way back to the apt we were talking and somehow the subject of wife and kids came up and he said he still wanted that one day. I was crushed.
The past four months with him have been amazing. I've never felt the way I feel about him. I love him and he loves me. It just feels right. I couldn't sleep last night and almost left to go home. I wanted to talk but he passed out from drinking. After about three hours of not being able to sleep I thought it might be better if I go home. I woke him up to tell him I thought it would better if I went home and we ended up talking a little bit. I told him I didn't want to ask him to make a lifetime commitment to me - that was never my intention. But if he wants a wife and kids someday, what is the point of us continuing our relationship the way it is? He asked me if I wanted a wife and kids someday too and I said no. I like what I have. I'm thinking, if he wants a wife and kids, then why did we start dating in the first place? We decided to continue our talk in the morning.
He wanted me to stay and try and sleep so I got in bed and he held me, at which point I started to cry a little. He said he was sorry to make me sad and he really does love me.
I know that this morning when he wakes up and we talk, we both just need to lay it out on the line what we want in life. I knew that with us not being out it was going to be a long time before we were both comfortable with telling people but I was/am okay with that. I know it's my fault for assuming he might change his mind and be happy with me but I guess I just thought that for as well as things have been going, there was a real chance for us.
I'm glad this came up now because I am a teacher and he is in his last year of college. Both of us want to move away from this area and I've been wanting us to go to the same city. It might make it slightly more difficult to find a job but I was willing to make that sacrifice because I don't want to do a long distance relationship. It's important to me that we can be together when we want. But that's something else we'll need to talk about today.
I just wanted to get some of that off my chest because at this moment, I have no one to talk to. I know it all comes down to the fact that we need to talk and be 100% honest about what we want. I think we're both a little afraid to be honest about that and lose the other person because of our past and how unexpectedly strong this relationship is.
I'm just afraid that today could be the end and it rips my heart out. Thanks for listening.
My boyfriend and I first met over a year ago through a hook-up website. When we first met, we were just looking for sex... possibly something ongoing like a friends with benefits situation but that was it. At that time I had only been with one other guy and it was a two-time hook up. Up to the point when my boyfriend and I met, I had been struggling with my sexuality. I knew for a long time that I wasn't straight but I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself - but I've never been physically attracted to women and never dated.
When my boyfriend and I first started talking there seemed to be an instant connection. We talked online all the time and when we eventually met in person for the first time, it went really well. After about 10 months of hanging out/hooking up, I did what wasn't supposed to happen - my feelings for him grew and I fell for him. Then he told me he met a girl he was interested in. By the way - we're both not out. No one knows about us and we're both fine with that for now. I hoped eventually it might change but I'm in no hurry. Anyway, when he told me he met a girl I felt almost crushed. We eventually talked about it and we thought we had straightened things out. We were having some fun and were great friends and wanted the friendship to continue. Well, it ended up not working out with this girl and I had made a few online friends through gay.com and added them to facebook and myspace. When my boyfriend noticed it, he felt the same thing I felt about him when he met that girl. We again ended up talking and finally both admitted to each other we had feelings for each other and loved each other and wanted to try being in a relationship.
We were talking on AIM late one night about all this and when we were talking about the relationship, he said he had always wanted a wife and kids but was happy with me. He said he might still want a wife and kids one day but for now was happy with me. This threw up a flag and my gut told me I should have said something but I was so excited to be in a relationship with him that I let it go. Four months later (today)... Last night we went out with some friends and there was drinking. On the way back to the apt we were talking and somehow the subject of wife and kids came up and he said he still wanted that one day. I was crushed.
The past four months with him have been amazing. I've never felt the way I feel about him. I love him and he loves me. It just feels right. I couldn't sleep last night and almost left to go home. I wanted to talk but he passed out from drinking. After about three hours of not being able to sleep I thought it might be better if I go home. I woke him up to tell him I thought it would better if I went home and we ended up talking a little bit. I told him I didn't want to ask him to make a lifetime commitment to me - that was never my intention. But if he wants a wife and kids someday, what is the point of us continuing our relationship the way it is? He asked me if I wanted a wife and kids someday too and I said no. I like what I have. I'm thinking, if he wants a wife and kids, then why did we start dating in the first place? We decided to continue our talk in the morning.
He wanted me to stay and try and sleep so I got in bed and he held me, at which point I started to cry a little. He said he was sorry to make me sad and he really does love me.
I know that this morning when he wakes up and we talk, we both just need to lay it out on the line what we want in life. I knew that with us not being out it was going to be a long time before we were both comfortable with telling people but I was/am okay with that. I know it's my fault for assuming he might change his mind and be happy with me but I guess I just thought that for as well as things have been going, there was a real chance for us.
I'm glad this came up now because I am a teacher and he is in his last year of college. Both of us want to move away from this area and I've been wanting us to go to the same city. It might make it slightly more difficult to find a job but I was willing to make that sacrifice because I don't want to do a long distance relationship. It's important to me that we can be together when we want. But that's something else we'll need to talk about today.
I just wanted to get some of that off my chest because at this moment, I have no one to talk to. I know it all comes down to the fact that we need to talk and be 100% honest about what we want. I think we're both a little afraid to be honest about that and lose the other person because of our past and how unexpectedly strong this relationship is.
I'm just afraid that today could be the end and it rips my heart out. Thanks for listening.
