Mild frustration.

[xXblatinoXx]

Hey guys, just writing to release some frustrations I've been having for the past week.

On Christmas Eve I accompanied my boyfriend to a huge Holiday gathering that his family put together. I've never met this side of his family (his father's side) so he thought it would be a great idea for me to meet and get to know them ...

When we arrived, I noticed that I was the only swatch of brown skin besides the damn dog ... and all the awkward glances in my direction weren't comforting either. Anyway, I smile through the discomfort and introduce myself. THEN my boyfriend drops the bomb -- he announces that I'm his boyfriend -- I wanted to drop dead.

(FYI, I'm the first male AND non-white person that he's been in a serious relationship with)

Dead silence for at least 30 seconds, my stomach turned over too many time for me to count. The younger relatives didn't seem to mind as much, but the older ones instantly formed huddles, shot sideways glances, and even pulled him aside to chastise him. Many of his family members were honestly quite nice; they made plenty of conversation BUT the others continued to make me feel like the black sheep. *no pun intended* Some of his relatives were complete assholes and made their disapproval known. (both my gender & ethnicity) After it was over I said my goodbyes and practically ran out the door to the car. My boyfriend and his parents (whom I love dearly) came outside and apologized for the situation, and we talked about it on the way home.

On Christmas Day, we went to my family's Holiday gathering and it was the complete opposite. My family has just about every ethnicity under the sun, and I have so many gay, lesbian, bisexual relatives its not even funny. They welcomed my boyfriend with open arms ... no sideways glances, no huddles, no whispers.

All week we've been discussing the issue and he claims that his family will "love me once they get familiar with me." According to him his family doesn't have much diversity so it'll take them longer to adjust to our relationship. I understand that his family isn't accustomed to diversity, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna just forget about it and accept it. Then he goes on to say, "but babe, how do you think I felt? you should have heard all the shit I was getting all night." I know it must have been some pretty harsh stuff, but that's his family ... that's not gonna change -- I'm nothing to these people, they don't have to like me if they don't want to.

And now he's upset that I won't give them a second chance and attend their New Year's Eve festivities ... highly doubt they're gonna change in a week. I just don't wanna bring the New Year in on a sour note, I'm gonna do it with my family and friends ... people who love me, and don't make me feel unwanted.

*SIGH* It felt good to get that out.

 

[Muscles4daze]

I don't blame, you I would not want to put myself through that again either, and your right a week won't make that much of a difference. Due to the fact that this is his family, he's gonna have a hard time understanding where you are coming from. My Ex's little sister was a straight bitch, but he could not fathom why I didn't' want anything to do with this evil woman.

 

[rareboy]

Oh c'mon.

Stop being a wuss.

The only way that you're going to get to know them and they get to know you is by spending time together.

Are you sure it was as uncomfortable as you say? Or are you transferring some of your angst onto them?

Go.

Be nice.

Talk to everyone.

And then, if it is really horrible, you are entitled to politely decline the next event. Unless it is a funeral or a wedding.

And then you have to go.

 

[G-Lexington]

The problem wasn't necessarily the family so much as him. I think he's got a point that they will warm up to you once they get to know you. But he shouldn't have used the get-together to be his "coming out" party. Or at least, he should've given you some warning that he wanted it to be so. By doing so, he was confronting them, and while perhaps they needed confronting, he shouldn't have pulled you in as a helper without your prior knowledge. He should've said something along the lines of "I'm planning on coming out to them at this gathering, and you might get some looks or comments, but I'd really like you to be beside me during this." Instead, it became a "deal with it" sort of situation. No such problem with your side of the family - not because they're better people necessarily, but because it wasn't a coming-out party. It was just a family get-together. He might say "How do you think I felt?" but the right answer is "You at least knew what you were in for."

What's done is done, of course. And I'd say the worst is presumably past. It's no longer going to be a shock to anybody, and especially if you're dealing with them in smaller groups - having dinner with one couple, say - things will probably be more relaxed. But I'd say you do need to talk to him about springing his little surprise on you.

Lex

 

[trikky]

I agree with Lex, your BF was the problem really. He had no right to spring his come out on everybody like that without your knowledge beforehand. The talking in huddles and everything was probably less about you and more about the fact that he was gay and the overall situation, and the way he came out. They were probably in shock at the way he broke the news. Now if he had already come out before this party, I'm sure you would have had a different time there. If you feel better not going there just now then don't but the worst is over and another meeting with them will be less stressful. Also try and gravitate towards the younger generation who had no problem with you and build your bridges there. Also make sure you let your BF know in no uncertain terms that his actions put you in a very awkward situation.

 

[jaysizzles]

The large group was probably not the best way to meet the family....make the big announcement/drop the bomb....especially if many of them didn't even know he was gay since you said you are the first male he's been in a relationship with.

It is frustrating that there are still so many ignorant people out there that take issue with race and sexual orientation. For many of the them, I think, it's because they have not had exposure to people different from themselves...and they fear what they don't know. Best thing that we can do is live good honest lives and be fine examples of our people...be friendly, respectful, courteous and caring...let them get to know us and realize we are not the devil and destruction of all that is decent.

Also...since it's important to your bf that you try...then suck it up...put on your best game face and do it for him. Make every attempt to get to know a few of them now on more of an individual and personal level...they'll see in you what your bf sees and eventually grow to be more accepting. The ones that don't...ignore 'em...their loss.

Don't forget to smile and have fun!

 

[Lube]

I'm gonna agree with rareboy and jaysizzles.

I mean, sure, your bf should've warned you beforehand. But I think it's obvious you would've declined--and that would've gotten both of you nowhere.

I think he understands his family (and people in general) very well: You can't run and hide from confrontation. (Believe me, I tried).

Instead you need to confront people. Nicely, but firmly.

You see, if he told his family when you weren't there, they'd have plenty of opportunity to make up horrible stories about what their expectations of what you would be like.

But they couldn't do that here, because you were standing in the room.

And it sounds like you were polite and gentlemanly.

What your bf did is exactly what you need to do to ignorant people to get them to see what being gay really means: We're the same people we were before. If they liked him before they knew he was gay, they'll probably still like him afterwards (give them some time). (And if they disliked him, they'll still dislike him, but it doesn't sound like that.)

No, not all his relatives will change and welcome you with open arms. Or, they might publicly, but privately still say things. There's nothing you can do about that. Well, there is one thing:

By going to the New Year's Eve party, you show that you are not afraid of being gay and out, you are not ashamed of being gay and out, and you are not afraid of his relatives.

Please, don't run away and hide. It takes balls to see them again, but I think that will impress them alot.

 

[TX-Beau]

Coming from a family that's as lilly white and conservative as you can get, I understand completely the situation you found yourself in.

Every time I bring a guy home he gets that kind of treatment from some, and though I've never brought a black guy home, I can see how much more uncomfortable that would make things for the petty little minded haters of the world.

My solution, I prep my date, then make a point of going around to everyone I know is gonna have an issue, and with a big smile, and a lot of smarm, I say:

"Aunt Irene, this is my Gay Lover -----"

Every one, personally. Then amuse myself with their sputtering reactions. Which I must say are surprisingly consistent, no matter how many times I've done this. A couple of them these days will see me coming an run for it. If someone must be uncomfortable, as god is my witness it's not gonna be me or mine. They don't get to ruin my Christmas, but I can certainly toss a grinch in theirs.

I confess I have been known to gay it up just for the shock factor, and frankly, if you've got the balls to brazen it out like this you'll be completely rewarded, not to mention amused at how small and petty the haters make themselves.

 

[TX-Beau]

Remember, the issue is always and only as big as you make it. Small minded petty people are like vultures, if you present them the opportunity to get to you, they'll pounce. But if all their whispering and disapproval fall right off you, there's really not much they can do, short of making themselves look like complete bigots and idiots.

But if these people are anything like my family, they'll be just as much afraid of making a scene that puts them in the wrong, as they are disapproving of you. It's always interesting to see which wins.

 

[xXblatinoXx]

Thanks for all the responses guys. I don't plan on avoiding his family, and I'm certainly not afraid of the confrontation. I just wasn't comfortable with my boyfriend's announcement to the WHOLE family all at once. I would definitely like to connect with his family members in smaller groups and more intimate settings. Gotta win 'em over little by little right?

I'm going to extend my kindness to all, those who are willing to accept will be the ones that I get to know better. The ones who don't ... they'll be just fine.

 

[Shattereddreams]

I dont think you can blame the family though, which you didnt but its just these things take time. My uncle married a total stranger and the whole family felt weird about it for a long time. Time heals everything

 

[jaysizzles]

Thanks for all the responses guys. I don't plan on avoiding his family, and I'm certainly not afraid of the confrontation. I just wasn't comfortable with my boyfriend's announcement to the WHOLE family all at once. I would definitely like to connect with his family members in smaller groups and more intimate settings. Gotta win 'em over little by little right?

I'm going to extend my kindness to all, those who are willing to accept will be the ones that I get to know better. The ones who don't ... they'll be just fine.

btw...amazing abs! Yours?

 

[KaraBulut]

If you were a straight couple, the usual thing to do is to take you around to each of the family members and introduce you, "This is my Aunt Sue", "Sue, this is my girlfriend, Janet". And usually, you try to setup a conversation like, "Sue is very active in the Humane Society- Janet raises labradors".

It should be the same process for a gay couple.

But what is done, is done. The next time the two of you go to a similar event, then talk beforehand about who is going to be there and how you want to be introduced.

I'm going to extend my kindness to all, those who are willing to accept will be the ones that I get to know better. The ones who don't ... they'll be just fine.

That's the right attitude.

Quentin Crisp used to make a distinction between etiquette and manners. His premise was that etiquette is a bunch of complicated nonsense rules that make you feel inadequate if you don't know them. On the other hand, manners are just common sense ways to make people feel welcome and to make everyone feel at ease.

If you treat people with kindness and good manners in social situations, then you have done everything you can to be welcomed and to make others feel welcome.

 

[Lube]

The onus should not be on him to deal with this guy's family. He should have dealt with this beforehand ENTIRELY, including telling his family about his bf, rather than just bringing him along and dropping a bomb like that.

I can't believe anyone would think otherwise.

Sometimes you just need to stand up to life.

 

[tommyj]

I think they will come around once they get to know you - you seem a most likeable gentleman!

 

[hotb0d]

maybe you should them your abs. BAM! I bet they will all fall in love and drool over you haha.

I also think that your boyfriend should have said something to his relatives. You can let it go the first time but if it's going to be like that for every family gathering...maybe you should put in a few comments with your boyfriend (I don't want to be too harsh and say to confront your boyfriend).

 

[Menagerie]

He should not have sprung that on you like that.