Missing it - - - again

[Kulindahr]

I just discovered via text message that a dude I really like being with would have been my bf if I'd asked him. Now I'm depressed -- I found this out in the course of him saying he's found a guy he really likes.

All my life I've been unable to tell if someone likes me. On top of that, I'm still new enough in my sexual identity that the thought of having a bf is scary!


So... now what?

 

[evil_danger]

Im sorry, I understand hes a guy you like, but he sounds like a bastard, what? he couldn’t tell you he liked you when it mattered, but he could tell you when he met someone else leaving you unable to do anything about it.

Mind games the lot of it. When its someone you really really like its hard to see that they can be messing you around, just let him carry on.

 

[G-Lexington]

If you like a gay guy enough, and he seems to like you back, press the case a bit harder. Go out for drinks. Bring the topic around to what you like in guys, and what you'd like in a boyfriend. Bring up your insecurities of being "fresh out" and inexperienced. And see if his answers jibe with yours.

Lex

 

[Kulindahr]

Im sorry, I understand hes a guy you like, but he sounds like a bastard, what? he couldn’t tell you he liked you when it mattered, but he could tell you when he met someone else leaving you unable to do anything about it.

Mind games the lot of it. When its someone you really really like its hard to see that they can be messing you around, just let him carry on.

I went to sleep (finally) last night telling myself all the things about him I found annoying. Before that I'm not sure I would have been open to thinking he was messing me around... so maybe what I did was a good thing?

 

[Kulindahr]

If you like a gay guy enough, and he seems to like you back, press the case a bit harder. Go out for drinks. Bring the topic around to what you like in guys, and what you'd like in a boyfriend. Bring up your insecurities of being "fresh out" and inexperienced. And see if his answers jibe with yours.

Lex

Well, with him kinda going with another dude, I dunno if he'd even do drinks at this point. And our residences being two hours apart doesn't help -- with the money it takes just to get there, I could have taken him out for steak dinners, a movie, and then drinks!
If I'd had a clue he liked me back, I might have made that effort, though -- but I've never been able to tell. Frak, dude -- I have trouble telling when someone dislikes me!

 

[luminum]

Take it as a lesson that when you meet a nice guy, it's better to ask him out on a date then not.

 

[thewiz]

I've learned to be bold is sometimes better than being disappointed....

 

[Kulindahr]

Take it as a lesson that when you meet a nice guy, it's better to ask him out on a date then not.

I assume you mean a nice guy I know is gay?

 

[Kulindahr]

I've learned to be bold is sometimes better than being disappointed....

I was thinking about something like that yesterday: I met this really sweet guy with beautiful eyes out on back roads one day, and can't get him out of my head. I know he hunts, picks mushrooms, and goes four-wheeling. And I got to thinking... given the part of the state this is, there's a chance I could end up in the emergency room or worse from telling such a guy I think he's awesome -- but might that risk be worth it?

 

[luminum]

I assume you mean a nice guy I know is gay?

Er...sure...let's go with that.

I kid. Yes, of course.

 

[M4P]

Hey Kul

Nice to see you posting

First off, I'd take it as a compliment and reassurance that there are guys out there who are attracted to you and would like to be with you

The lesson learned here is that sometimes you just have to go beyond your comfort zone once in awhile and take that risk. If there is someone out there that you are attracted to - take a chance and ask him out. Or, make yourself available to be asked. You'll never know

Here's first hand experience. My guy, who I've been with for 10.5 years liked me years before we got together. I never would have imagined someone like him would have interest in someone like me until I made a move on him after several drinks New Years Eve 1996 and he responded. After a few dates he admitted being attracted to me the first time we met three years earlier

A good man (just like you) is out there looking for you

 

[Kulindahr]

No way Kulindahr.

You're on a kind of rebound right now (and a bit panicked that you might never find the right person) so take care of yourself because you're liable to make a mistake when you're like that. Perspective my friend - it's all about perspective. Wait a few days at least and clear your head - get some perspective.

If you want to follow it up with that hunting guy then 'accidentally' bump into him and put out feelers - if you get the right signals then "be bold" like thewiz says and ask him as luminum says.

I am sorry to hear about your missed opportunity but as evil_danger pointed out - what kind of guy would do something like that? eh? You haven't really missed anything IMO - in fact I think you've been spared.

Bumping into that hunting guy is the only way I know to find him again. Even if I assume he lives within the sort of driving distance from where we encountered each other that people who enjoy being out in those hills would go, I'm looking at an area with a half million people. So since the PDX Pink Pistols has an upcoming shoot out there for people who signed up at Pride, I'm thinking of going a couple days early, camping there, burning a lot of .22 rounds (I had a manic-compulsive phase once and accumulated over 5,000 rounds!), and keeping my fingers crossed.
Though like I said, I've never been able to tell a social signal to save my life. That's one reason I've decided that my decision at Pride to be a little bolder (see my blog) was good -- if I can't tell when someone is interested, "flaunting" my identity some ought to simplify the process (so far it's gotten an approving comment, some surprise and then acceptance from a guy I knew already, a loud verbal assault, a number of disgusted looks, and several muttered "Faggot!" comments). If he sees my rainbow choker, and my Pink Pistols button, and doesn't flinch, that's a signal I can read -- and assume I won't get shot if I tell him his eyes are killer.

"Wait a few days" -- I generally have to wait a few weeks, lately, between trips anywhere that I might meet someone I'd be interested in! If I could get on top of things for a week or two, I might be able to do something about that, but for now... <sigh>.

 

[Kulindahr]

Hey Kul

Nice to see you posting

First off, I'd take it as a compliment and reassurance that there are guys out there who are attracted to you and would like to be with you

The lesson learned here is that sometimes you just have to go beyond your comfort zone once in awhile and take that risk. If there is someone out there that you are attracted to - take a chance and ask him out. Or, make yourself available to be asked. You'll never know

Here's first hand experience. My guy, who I've been with for 10.5 years liked me years before we got together. I never would have imagined someone like him would have interest in someone like me until I made a move on him after several drinks New Years Eve 1996 and he responded. After a few dates he admitted being attracted to me the first time we met three years earlier

A good man (just like you) is out there looking for you

I'd prolly be more comfortable with the risk thing if I weren't fairly certain that most every guy I've been attracted to is making three to five times what I am... at half my age. The few dates I've had, I've had to plan what ordinary expenses I'll skip, just to be able to do a date. I afford camping by eating on $5 a day or less; if I was traveling as far as I have to in order to date someone I'd have to reduce that to $2 a day thanks to gas costs. I dated this guy once, including dinner and dancing and drinks, and just getting there and back cost twice what the social part did.

I can't comprehend someone being attracted to me for "years", when I haven 't been out even to myself for years, or even admitted I was a sexual being for years... or when I'm still trying to figure out how to be social, learning things everyone else did back around age 14.

That strikes toward my worst feeling right now -- being lost. It's the thing I've read about in novels, a guy trying to figure out where he fits in, how to know if someone likes him, how to act either way. This has just reminded me that I have no bearings in the social sea; I not only don't know where to go from here, I don't know how I got here, or where I even am.

 

[spreadeagle]

'Now what' is that you need to address your fear of rejection. One way to do this is to buy a dozen ball-point pens and stand on a street corner selling them to people for more than you paid for them, In this way you become familiar with rejection and begin to realise that it makes absolutely no difference to who you are as a person,whether a person accepts you or rejects you.

 

[Kulindahr]

I'd have to get a business license to sell pens like that.
But it's a good thought.

 

[Kulindahr]

That's not exactly constructive behavior--it doesn't sound particularly honest either. I think you'd be better off chalking it up to a missed opportunity and learning from the experience.

Well, it did help me get to sleep....

And in the trauma of the moment, I was exalting him to be this perfect guy; remembering his faults let me put it in perspective... though it also led me to once again doubt this "right one" notion that's so popular.

 

[Soilwork]

All my life I've been unable to tell if someone likes me. On top of that, I'm still new enough in my sexual identity that the thought of having a bf is scary!
(

Nothing worth having isn't scary, honestly.

You've learned a pretty valuable lesson.. nobody in this world is going to jsut give you what you want. You've gotta go out and get it. Next time there's a guy you like.. no guts no glory. Just ask him out.

 

[Kulindahr]

Nothing worth having isn't scary, honestly.

There's my profound thought for the day. That may be the most weighty thing said in this thread.
Thanks!

 

[confusedboy23]

Im sorry, I understand hes a guy you like, but he sounds like a bastard, what? he couldn’t tell you he liked you when it mattered, but he could tell you when he met someone else leaving you unable to do anything about it.

Let me echo that!

You could have more, granted. But he's no angel neither in this case.

Courage is important my friend. Most times when you overcome the fear inside of you, you will realize how beautiful it is to not have fear overcome you! Good luck in the future.