Missing my best friend

[Medicman1978]

Several months ago, my best friend of 25 yrs had to make a tough choice. His wife made him choose between his friendship with me or their marriage. Now of course he chose his marriage. He has kids with her and I wouldn't expect him to do that.
I hate the fact that she forced this decision on him, but I also hate the fact that he allowed this to get this far with her. She hates me. I know that, I accept that. I let my feelings of what I thought of her be known to her, because at the time she started dating my bf she put him into a crazy sitituation and me aswell. So I spoke up about it and let her know what I thought of her and what she was doing. So she has hated me ever since because I tried to stop their relationship. I know crazy thing for me to do. But she was a bad seed and he has had to go through some hell with her. But anyways. Even though he chose her, he and I still talk from time to time. We don't see each other, but we talk. It kills me sometimes because I miss my best friend. I miss the fun, the laughing. 25 yrs is a long time. I really can't talk to him about this because I don't want to put anymore pressure on him than he already has. So I feel stuck. I know its easy to say "move on" and I have but sometimes things just come crashing back and it stops me and I wonder how he is, and I pick up the phone. The sad thing is that I know he would like to see me and hang out. But he can't because of the choice he made. This is just crazy..... I know.

 

[Seasoned]

The big question here is whether or not you and your friend were sexual. As far as your friend's wife is concerned, she may very well be a bitch, but this issue is with your friend. He has allowed himself to be controlled. Sorry if this sounds cold but no one unless they are holding a weapon can control another unless the person in question allows it. The threat of divorce is as old as marriage. The sex must be terrific, otherwise you friend is just weak.

 

[Medicman1978]

The big question here is whether or not you and your friend were sexual. As far as your friend's wife is concerned, she may very well be a bitch, but this issue is with your friend. He has allowed himself to be controlled. Sorry if this sounds cold but no one unless they are holding a weapon can control another unless the person in question allows it. The threat of divorce is as old as marriage. The sex must be terrific, otherwise you friend is just weak.

It's not cold, and you are right. I have told him that he allows that control. He has said the sex between them is not great. And as far as being attracted to her, I never saw it because she is the total opposit of what he likes in women. I was shocked when i saw her, because based on girls he has dated, she was totally not his type. As for sexual between he and I, yes that was something that happened and I think that was part of the reason he ran and latched on to this girl like he did. But we got pass that.

 

[Seasoned]

Well, it seems like you'll have to learn how to have a more distant friendship if you can find a way that doesn't torture you. I'm guessing he told her that the two of you had sex or your jealousy towards her was obvious. Have you tried getting busy elsewhere to distract yourself? You owe yourself a complete life. Good luck.

 

[racer2438]

Aside from being apart,

does she know this?? that u guys messed around

does he still want to see you?

do you still want to mess around with him

She is a bitch in this, but he is not strong and is controled by her for some reason.

JUst let him know that your friendship is very valuable to you and that you will always remember the great times you both had. But you wish there could be more.


and then look for something to keep you busy to keep ur mind off him.

 

[Medicman1978]

Well, it seems like you'll have to learn how to have a more distant friendship if you can find a way that doesn't torture you. I'm guessing he told her that the two of you had sex or your jealousy towards her was obvious. Have you tried getting busy elsewhere to distract yourself? You owe yourself a complete life. Good luck.

I have learned that. I live in another city with in the same state. We don't see each other much if I come into his town or maybe he comes into mine. We have lunch or something. The jealousy and insecurity is clearly on her side. He has always had girlfriends and so have I. But she is extremely insecure and I am not the only one that she limits him from seeing. She has tried that with his family aswell. It is more like when something good happens in my life, and I want to tell someone or go on a trip someone where fun, I think of him because he was the friend that was always there to tell these things too.

Aside from being apart,

does she know this?? that u guys messed around

does he still want to see you?

do you still want to mess around with himB]

She is a bitch in this, but he is not strong and is controled by her for some reason.

JUst let him know that your friendship is very valuable to you and that you will always remember the great times you both had. But you wish there could be more.


and then look for something to keep you busy to keep ur mind off him.

She doesn't know, but once she told me that she didn't like he and I being together because she knew he loved me more than he loved her. I don't think about him in a sexual way, not gonna say that I haven't, because that memory is there, but that doesn't dominate my thoughts of him. He still wants to see me but our friendship has changed because of his choice, its more of a lunch and hi how are you. We have just started emailing each other because he has an account she doesn't know about. We have to be creative about communications because she checks up on him so much. I get frustrated because even if you are in relationship that is no way to live and I find it hard that he is trying to live this life where everything he does is questions. I keep my mouth shut about it now because it is his choice and I have to respect it. But it is difficult to see him live like he does and see the person he has become. He is not the same friend, the light behind his eyes has died out. That is hard for me to take, but what can you do.
You are right and I have told him that no matter what happens at the core of this he knows that I am still his best friend. He understands that.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just be the supportive friend. Listen. Don't judge or be negative toward the wife.

These things run their course. Eventually, he'll need a friend when he's had enough of her.

 

[Medicman1978]

Just be the supportive friend. Listen. Don't judge or be negative toward the wife.

These things run their course. Eventually, he'll need a friend when he's had enough of her.

You are right. I keep my mouth shut about his relationship with her. I listen let him vent, but don't offer any opinon. No matter what I say about how bad his relationship is. He will only see it when he is ready to see it. he will only get tired of it when he is ready to be. He told me today that things are good as long as he doesn't step outside the box she has put him in.