Mixed feelings.

[Bi-Si66uk]

46 y/o married 15 and been with wife for 25 years.
Love her, enjoy sex with her and get horny as hell.

Found out at about 12y/o that I enjoyed sticking things up my arse. Not often but usually while masturbating. Was in a shop at about 15 y/o and a guy whispers in my ear "would I like a big dick between my legs?" I was shocked and said nothing. I don't see myself as looking gay(whatever that is) but other things like my dad years ago discussing how he was hit on while in the army but did nothing. Also a mate mentioned about someone thinking he was gay but he wasn't but it was ok(mid 20s). So I think I may give off vibes even though I considered myself straight. I also in a really drunken state offered to suck my mate's dick. He politely declined and we never spoke of it again. It wasn't that I fancied him it's because I saw him as a safe dick to experiment on. Watched lots of porn and really enjoyed watching gay porn on net. Mid 30s I signed on gaydar and lurked, too scared to do anything until one day I was super horny and got chatting to this guy and I ended up round at his. Bit of foreplay and he fucked me, hurt a bit but didn't last long enough to make my mind up on anal. Quite enjoyed sucking his dick.
Backed off from that with guilt and mixed feelings. About two years later I did the same again and hooked up with a 60year old guy in great shape with a nice dick. I sucked him off for a bit and then lay on my back and he lubed me up with a few fingers, put a rubber on and went straight in. Very painful and took a few minutes to ease off then I got into it a bit but he came. Then finished me off.
More feelings of guilt and backed off for a year. Since then I hooked up with this guy 4 times for cock play and bjs and feel less weird but still guilty.

The thing is I feel I need to be fucked long and hard and sort of submit to my feelings to see what I really like, also to fuck a guy. This scares the shit out of me and now I'm in limbo again with all the guilt.
Still jerk off to gay porn and my past experiences turn me on while I jerk off.

Never wrote it all down like this before and it looks different. I love my wife but could also see myself being emotionally involved with the right guy. With the odd few people thinking I was gay I just don't know and maybe that's why I experimented. I know I like sex with women and men but am I kidding myself and I'm really gay or am I bi?
Head in bits but not stressed about it really.

 

[Bi-Si66uk]

When I say I'm not stressed about it I mean I sort of put it on the back burner to emotionally visit it once in a while.
I'm an intelligent person and probably over analyse everything but it's getting to the point where it could change my life permanently and I don't want to make a mistake.

 

[Raistanelf]

Hi !

Take a deep breath and don't freak out ! Just cos you're in a hetero relationship, does not mean you're not able to do other stuff - have you ever heard of 'pegging' ? Perhaps your spouse wouldn't be into it, but perhaps they might.

In terms of your encounters with men, don't berate yourself about them. Relationships and desires are not cut and dry, and conventions are nothing more than suggestions on how to live your life - like you said, you're an intelligent person, and if you've made it in a long lasting marriage, you've probably made choices and decisions for that, that might be unconventional to people on the outside looking in .

What am I trying to say ? Experimentation + kink are normal, and if you've been predominantly hetero-minded for a major part of your life, you've probably never been able to explore/discuss/experiment as freely as you would have liked to. Just because you enjoy guy on guy sex does not mean that you need to throw in the towel on your marriage and go 'gay' . That's a very restrictive view of the world. Clearly being unfaithful to your wife makes you uncomfortable, but you do enjoy anal play - why not invest in some sex toys ~ maybe find a straight-curious buddy that'd be willing to respect your privacy and explore things with you .

The world is three-dimensional, so , don't think that there's only one option for you. PM me if you want to talk/rant/if I need to clarify something I've said.

 

[Bi-Si66uk]

Thanks for the reply.

TBH my hands were shaking a bit typing my original post as it was quite difficult to put it in writing.
Yes it's essentially cheating on my wife which I don't like myself for. Saying that, I don't feel it would be right at the present time to admit my liasons with men. It would bring things to a head and I don't want that.
Basically I'm exploring my cravings in secret to see if I want to or need to go a lot further. Ie investing emotionally with a man.
Whether it's weird or not I view sex with either male or female as pretty much the same thing.
The main difference is the guilt. I have never cheated on my wife with another woman and have had opportunities but declined.
The bi side of me has always been there but not really acted upon but I go through phases of craving the physical pleasures with another man. I'm still pretty inexperienced but all the stuff going round in my head has me unsure of myself.
I'm not sure but I think maybe I restrict myself because it might unlock something that can not be undone which would change my life forever. Whether that ends up being a positive or a negative no one can predict.
The older I get the harder it is to suppress my desires.

 

[winterkill]

There is a forum called 'Bisexual' whose members are often married and who enjoy a pinch of homosexuality. Not more. It seems that these practitioners of homosexuality are afraid of it and take refuge in the masculinity of their heterosexual identity. That reminds me of Tim Edwards 'Cultures of Masculinity': “The end of the homosexual, then, does not necessarily entail the end of the heterosexual and the project remains, perhaps ironically, to remove heterosexuality from the sanctity of its discursive closet.”

People without sexual blinkers have the bad luck of living in a time where the straight- and the gay identified camps have agreed on a truce, and both gladly confirm that they have nothing in common. No straight-identified mother asks her adolescent son to give homosexuality a chance.

As an intelligent person you will read a single book about animal homosexuality (Bruce Bagemihl: Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity) and then stop meditating about a fitting sexual identity – the other mammals don't need it either.

If you are so happy with your wife and if your wife doesn't enjoy sexual experimentation you shouldn't risk your marriage. Of course men are thrilling – but they are not like women. There are other thrilling women as well but you keep your hands off because your wife is a bit old-fashioned and believes in monogamy.

The older I get the harder it is to suppress my desires.

But if you are so happy with your wife how can it be that you miss something important?

So you are happy with what you have and would like something in addition to that? Though you know that your wife would not agree to your extracurricular activities? If you are so happy with your wife you should talk about your sexual cravings with her in the first place.

 

[jaysizzles]

I agree that at this time you should not say anything to your wife about your cheating on her in the past with other men. No good will come from that. I do think that much, if not all, of the guilt you are feeling is because of her, the lies, since you are open minded when it comes to gay sex...so it's not a sexual identity crisis you're going through. It seems pretty obvious to me that you are bisexual. I guess now you need to decide what is more important to you...the life you've built with your wife and the future, or the brief sexual encounters that come along with risks, not to mention the guilt. It's not easy, as you know, living a secret life...you are bound to slip up somehow/sometime if you continue the cheating.

I'm not an advocate for infidelity. I do think there are some things in life that are worth the sacrifice of other things. If you think that the desire to be with a man, and desire to explore that side of your sexual orientation, is too great that you cannot resist it, then it's time to separate from your wife. It's not fair to her, to you, or the guy that you are potentially going to meet. You'd likely not be attracting the right type of guy if you remain with your wife. Most guys that are looking for a relationship, do not want the baggage that comes along with a married man and cheater.

The only thing that I may suggest is that if you think you want to stay in your marriage, that you start to spice up your sex life, gradually introduce some anal play into your sex life, watch bi sex porn with your wife, etc. You may eventually even be able to admit to her that you have a bisexual side and would like her to use the Dildo on you...

 

[Seasoned]

I think it's best to sort out your needs and wants. I was 31 before I had sex with a man. I was married with 2 kids. I had suppressed my homosexuality. I wasn't ever bi even though I loved my wife and wanted to stay married. I cheated for 5 years and it took a toll on me and everyone around me. I coped by thinking of myself as having two separate "sides." It was not a healthy way to live. Guys were falling in love with me and my wife and I were only close when I was in between boyfriends. I wouldn't recommend anyone follow that path.

 

[Bi-Si66uk]

Thanks for the replies.
This is the crux of my dilemma. Have I suppressed my true feelings all these years and actually be more gay than bi or do I just get urges that for the sake of my marriage I shouldn't act on.
I realise I can't have it all but ultimately I want to choose the right way.
Looking back on my first post it seemed to emphasise the physical rather than the emotional. I'm not sure what I can take from that.
This is the first kind of discussion on this that I've ever had and I'm grateful for the advice and insight.
I get to this type of crossroad periodically and always push it away until it crops up again.
I just want to do the right thing and whatever that is will not be easy.
Sie

 

[Bi-Si66uk]

Well I've done a lot of thinking the last few days and decided to explore the horizons with my wife.
We've come too far for me to bail too easily even though I have these thoughts.
The mention of pegging and the like has got me thinking in a different way.
I seemed to emphasise the physical in my postings which I'd not examined previously as I've never written it down.
Being torn and in a place with no one to talk to got me going on tangents.
I seem to be thinking clearer and want to pursue things with my wife.
Maybe I'm a bloke who has sees my anus as an erogenous zone to be enjoyed with my wife.
I need to give my relationship every opportunity to be what I always thought is was going to be but with added trimmings.
I'd like to thank those who replied, it really helped as I'd never put it in black and white and read my words.
It was like taking a step back from myself to look at a slightly bigger picture.
Who knows what the future holds but whatever happens I will have a clear-ish conscience.
I'll bob in from time to time if that's alright and will post any changes for those who may be interested.
Thanks. Simon.